missing you

I missed therapy today, so I have all this crap bottled up that I was going to spill today but didn't. 
Have you ever missed someone so bad that you just can't function normal? This isn't part of my depression, this is a totally different feeling that I think is coming out more now that I am getting better control on the depression. Along with the fact that I am accepting my true feelings about what happened and words left unsaid.
2 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer. She was a fighter! she made it thru breast cancer... but it came back as bone cancer. Between the cancer and the treatment, she had multiple surgeries. She was hospitalized a number of times, each time seemed to be longer than the previous. I should have gone to see her more, I should have spent more time with her... but I didn't. Why? Because I was scared. I didn't want to see her like that, I didn't want to acknowledge what could be the ultimate outcome, I was scared that if I walked out of the hospital, I'd never see her again... so if I never enter the hospital to see her, then she has to go home! It didn't work that way.
I got a call one day that she had been taken to the hospital with pneumonia  and they would keep me updated, but please no visitors for now. I knew it was worse than what I was told. why no visitors? I was scared. I waited, I worried, I checked in... no real updates for a while... but she wasn't even calling or texting! Then I was told she was on life support! wait what? she went from having pneumonia to being on life support in like 2 weeks? I was so scared! why was this happening? It wasn't fair! Her daughter just told her she's going to be a grandma! There are people who love you and need you!
Then one night I was meeting with some friends who work with PTSD suicide research, and I got a text...
We as a family have made the decision to remove the life support. We will update you. Thanx for the love and support.
I ran outside screaming and crying, collapsed to the ground. I was lost.
A couple friends walked up from the parking lot and sat with me until I could speak, they helped me up and inside and bought me a shot... we drank a shot to Chelle.
I was a zombie for days. I truly had no idea how her daughter was dealing with any of this. A much stronger young lady than me!
I was a wreck at the funeral, and after I did my best to shove it all to the back of my mind so I could go on. I buried my feelings, hid my tears, denied my loss. What had I lost? two teens lost their mom, a man lost his wife, a woman lost her sister and another her own daughter! really, what did I lose compared to that?...
The truth is I lost the love of my life, my soulmate. Chelle was more than my best friend. We had a bond like no other. Yes, we were both married and loved our husbands. but we also loved each other. She meant as much to me as she did anyone else! But I felt I had to hide that! I couldn't express that love and loss like her family did. I miss her every single day, I cry so often, i have regrets- I should have been there, I should have said and done a lot more than I did. But for the most part we kept our feelings secret from the world- even from each other a lot of the time! I didn't tell her enough what she meant to me... she knew, right? No... never allow yourself to have a missed opportunity to let someone know what they mean to you, how much you love them.
I believe my michelle comes to visit me as a spirit, her sassy attitude and energy are often in my home. I smile and then I cry. I just want to hear your voice, I just want to hold you one more time. I just want you to know how much I love you.

Day 4

Wow! I made a decision in December that I was going to make 2018 a year for me, to focus on myself- my relationships- my health... taking care of me. And I am feeling amazing about it all so far!
Yeah yeah, it's only 4 days into the year... but I have started back to therapy and have an appointment set up that I have been putting off for close to a year! I'm thinking positive thoughts, ignoring negativity and things out of my control... I am BEING happy! I am allowing the little things to go and just enjoying me.
When I say focus on myself that doesn't mean shut everyone out- I just need to take care of myself.
When I say relationships it doesn't just mean with my husband... all of my relationships! Yes, my marriage needs some attention and I am dedicated to doing what it takes to make this marriage the best ever. But also my relationship with my parents, and my daughter, and hopefully my other daughter. My friends who I have become distanced from, and my family in my home.
My mental health as well as my physical health have suffered drastically this past year. And I WILL change that. I am the only person who controls that. Seeing doctors and staying on top of the issues, be honest with not only the doctors- but my family as well. Doing what i need to do to bring back my happy, will help get my mental health under control, which will bring back the rest of my happy.
So far each day I have focused on doing something- anything, that is a step toward these goals. And each day I have gone to bed with a good feeling in my heart and mind!
so here's to 2018, here's to 361 more fabulous days!

2018- new year new me

have you ever had an awakening? a moment in time where you suddenly just change your entire attitude and view of things?

Needless to say I have had one hell of a crappy year! I had given up on so many things- including my own existence. I prayed for death. Nothing mattered to me anymore and I struggled to find anything to be happy or positive about.

But something happened. I cant' even explain it! I was at a place that I didn't want to do Christmas, I wanted to just somehow get past it. Even the day before- I just was in a dark sad place. I left for work on Christmas morning and knew I had to be in the spirit a bit for work- and I did a pretty good job!  I danced and sang to christmas music, wished everyone a merry christmas... and by the time I got home I was in a little better place, but still just wanted it done. But as the day went on, and Christmas happened in our home- something happened to me. A weight was lifted, a light started burning and a darkness began to see sunrise. I found by the end of the day a new desire to BE happy, to enjoy life and the people around me.

So as I enter into 2018, the whole 'new year new me" thing will actually apply to me. I am all about positive energy, happiness, being true to myself and those who share my desire for avoid the negative, those who bring me happiness.

I know that my struggles with depression are far from over, but I will learn to deal with it in a better way. I will vocalize my concerns and things that bother me rather than bottling them up. I will make an effort to express my feelings better, to not stress over things out of my control, and remove negativity!

My health- physical and mental, suffered severely this year... it is time to step back and focus on taking care of myself. I will always help others, but stressing over other lives and trying to help in ways that I am really incapable of doing- has to stop. I want to be healthy and be able to do the things I enjoy in life... my family- all of them, my pets, riding, working, being outside, going on adventures.

Blessings to all for a fabulous 2018! I wish you all good health, family, love, and the things that truly matter!

New Year- New Beginnings

I am not one for new year resolutions or stuff like that. But this year a lot will be changing in my life- maybe not so much resolutions, just change.
This year I made the step toward having my parents back in my life, and that has gone well. I am hopeful it will continue to progress so I can feel we are a family again.
my relationship with my daughter has been very strained this past year, for a couple reasons. But the main reason I believe, is because of the problems between her husband and I. I am going to work toward fixing that. The past cannot be forgotten, but we can learn and move forward. I want to mend fences with my daughter and have that closeness back, as well as have her husband be a part of the family.
I have made a commitment to myself that I am going to work on my marriage, bring the fun and love back and create the friendship that we sort of skipped over in the beginning. I want my life with my husband to be the best possible and I am willing and dedicated to do what it takes to see that happen, this year is the time for that to come together.
Also, it's time for me to put me first. No, I am not being selfish- I have given and given, putting my own well being on the back burner for so long. My marriage, my health, my mental health, my finances, and so many other things have been jeopardized in my desire to help everyone else. It is time to put my foot down and start saying no. Changes need to take place in my life, and they will. I will no longer go along with things just because I don't want to upset someone, or feel bad for them. Many things in my life are coming together so well and running smoothly, I can't put those things at risk for other lesser things that stress me out or upset others in my life.
I am truly looking forward to the future now. I feel really positive that a huge weight has been lifted, and another will be lifted in the next few days... I can be free of the negativity and move forward! 

just todays thoughts

I went back to work today, it's been 5 weeks since I worked! I need a reset button in my head- kinda forgot a few things. Feels good to be back at it tho! Can't wait to be back to 100% and able to work more hours. I'm hopeful to soon return to over 25 hours a week- which I haven't done since June.

I am not  yet fully recovered from surgery, so annoying! I m feeling better but there is still stuff I can't do, pain with some movements, bleeding STILL! I just want to back to normal! I am not a patient person!

It finally snowed today! And still is! not much on the ground, but it's a start! I want a white Christmas. And at least the air is cleaner to breathe now.

I'm fighting to keep somewhat of a holiday spirit this year. It's hard, but I need to. Looking at our tree with all the decorations the kids hung- puts a smile on my face, but also a tear in my heart. Not quite sure how to do this year... but I will.

I'm not big on new years resolutions and a new year new me thing- I figure if I want change and a different life just make it happen- NOW! why wait til next year? well, this year I'm doing it. It is time for change in my life, I will be a different person, I will be in charge of my own happiness and my surroundings. If I don't like something- I will either change it or remove it from my life. the past few months i have allowed too many outside influences effect me and my happiness and attitude, and it has done some serious damage. But also has been very eye opening. My life is a learning experience- and I have learned much this year.

I feel like it seems everything I say about the past year is focused on changes that took place in my home... not true. 15 months ago I moved some amazing people into my home and that did change my life. We have had many ups and downs- mostly ups! But my life has been affected by many other things, other things are what cause my depression, not them. Other things are what have brought me to become cold- not them. Most has been the past 9 or 10 months. Both positive and negative have happened, both have been eye opening.

I am hopeful for my future. A lot of disagreement and I am sure opposition to what I want for my future- but we will see.

600

In just a few hours I will turn 600 months old! Do you know what that is? that's a half century! Holy crap I'm officially OLD. 5 decades, 50 freaking years.
During that time, I have lived and learned! I have cried and laughed, lived in Europe and lived behind bars. I've practiced christianity as well as wicca, I have had a drinking problem, done drugs, and made bad choices. I became a mom, I married and divorced. I shot guns and have been shot at. I made porn, I owned my own business. I went to college after dropping out of high school. I have faced severe health issues including mental health. I have contemplated homicide as well as suicide. I had relationships with women as well as men. I have traveled, I have felt trapped, I have had more jobs than I can remember. I've been loved and hated, I took risks and didn't care what people thought of me- I have been me! I was told a thousand times I was a failure, my life would never be acceptable... I don't care if it is acceptable!
Who has to accept it? It's my life! No one should be judging my life and my choices. I am half century old now! and still feel I am being judged. Ya know... screw those people! I don't believe I will live another 600 months, but if I do- I plan to live it the same as the first- just as I please! Doing what I want to do, what makes me happy.
Happy 600 to me... 

And The Search Resumes... Again

For years I have wanted to leave this city. I have had a couple opportunities but never acted on them for various reasons. Every 8 or 10 months I get on that kick again about getting out of here. My dream would be to live in a town or less than 1000 people and no snow... that is the ideal life. Reality is, less than 10k people, and maybe no snow.
The more time goes by, the less I feel I have holding me in this place, and giving me more motivation to get out! Truly at this point all that is keeping us here is my husbands job. So my quest is to find him work that offers a comparable income.
My health can't take the city anymore, my physical health and my mental health! My COPD has gotten worse and will continue to as long as I live in this terrible air quality, winter brings out the worst in my joints. My depression has gotten so much worse this year and much of that could be improved by living in a place that makes me happy, and a place that doesn't get cold... winter is bad for everyone's depression! 
I guess I have always made excuses about leaving. I didn't want to take my daughter far from her dad and her grandma, I had a career, I didn't want to take my daughter out of school before she graduated with her friends, we can't leave my mother in law here without someone to care for her and check on her... and of course, my husbands job. All excuses.
My daughter is grown and on her own, and honestly- we have become a bit distanced (maybe moving away would help me deal with that distance because it would be physical not just emotional), I don't have a career- I'm disabled! My mother in law has amazing friends and relatives who are always near, and if we move we would always be within a day drive! And we believe she will eventually be moving as well. The idea of walking away from a 12 year job is a bit scary. He has great pay, incredible benefits and is treated really well. To give that up for the unknown is of course intimidating, but chances have to be taken.
I am at a breaking point. I truly feel my life depends on me getting out of this city. Sad but true. I hate to force something like this on Troy, I do feel like I am forcing the issue. But what do I do? Stay miserable and continue to decline with my health? I have tried so hard to be happy and stay positive and support him, but I am running out of energy and umph.
I have checked into a couple trucking companies in an area that isn't ideal, but it works! only a couple hours from here, small, not warmer, but no smog! And even a couple houses for rent for way cheaper than what we pay here!
It's still a dream at this point, but I am hoping and praying it becomes reality!