Have you ever missed someone so bad that you just can't function normal? This isn't part of my depression, this is a totally different feeling that I think is coming out more now that I am getting better control on the depression. Along with the fact that I am accepting my true feelings about what happened and words left unsaid.
2 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer. She was a fighter! she made it thru breast cancer... but it came back as bone cancer. Between the cancer and the treatment, she had multiple surgeries. She was hospitalized a number of times, each time seemed to be longer than the previous. I should have gone to see her more, I should have spent more time with her... but I didn't. Why? Because I was scared. I didn't want to see her like that, I didn't want to acknowledge what could be the ultimate outcome, I was scared that if I walked out of the hospital, I'd never see her again... so if I never enter the hospital to see her, then she has to go home! It didn't work that way.
I got a call one day that she had been taken to the hospital with pneumonia and they would keep me updated, but please no visitors for now. I knew it was worse than what I was told. why no visitors? I was scared. I waited, I worried, I checked in... no real updates for a while... but she wasn't even calling or texting! Then I was told she was on life support! wait what? she went from having pneumonia to being on life support in like 2 weeks? I was so scared! why was this happening? It wasn't fair! Her daughter just told her she's going to be a grandma! There are people who love you and need you!
Then one night I was meeting with some friends who work with PTSD suicide research, and I got a text...
We as a family have made the decision to remove the life support. We will update you. Thanx for the love and support.
I ran outside screaming and crying, collapsed to the ground. I was lost.
A couple friends walked up from the parking lot and sat with me until I could speak, they helped me up and inside and bought me a shot... we drank a shot to Chelle.
I was a zombie for days. I truly had no idea how her daughter was dealing with any of this. A much stronger young lady than me!
I was a wreck at the funeral, and after I did my best to shove it all to the back of my mind so I could go on. I buried my feelings, hid my tears, denied my loss. What had I lost? two teens lost their mom, a man lost his wife, a woman lost her sister and another her own daughter! really, what did I lose compared to that?...
The truth is I lost the love of my life, my soulmate. Chelle was more than my best friend. We had a bond like no other. Yes, we were both married and loved our husbands. but we also loved each other. She meant as much to me as she did anyone else! But I felt I had to hide that! I couldn't express that love and loss like her family did. I miss her every single day, I cry so often, i have regrets- I should have been there, I should have said and done a lot more than I did. But for the most part we kept our feelings secret from the world- even from each other a lot of the time! I didn't tell her enough what she meant to me... she knew, right? No... never allow yourself to have a missed opportunity to let someone know what they mean to you, how much you love them.
I believe my michelle comes to visit me as a spirit, her sassy attitude and energy are often in my home. I smile and then I cry. I just want to hear your voice, I just want to hold you one more time. I just want you to know how much I love you.
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