Fear

Many years ago I became friends with a wonderful woman. She was the mother of a guy I too shy to date. We became very close, I would visit her quite often, for a number of years. I met her when I was 15... she was still a part of my life when my oldest was in elementary school 15 years later. This woman had some health trouble, diabetes, legally blind, and I don't recall what else was going on- but there was more. We faded apart as life got in the way. A couple year ago, thanx to social media, she contacted me. her life has changed so much, it hurts to see. Granted she is obviously not a young woman anymore, but she has been thru breast cancer and lost both breasts- but is a survivor! She has lost both legs- I assume due to issues related to the diabetes but I haven't dared ask. She has asked a number of times for me to call and come visit... she doesn't live very far from me, I should! I just learned last week that her partner- her wife of almost 50 years, has been placed on hospice care. My heart breaks for her. I want to call and talk, I need to go see her! The first thing that went thru my head when I learned about her partner was "who is taking care of Bon?" I had no idea Bev was not in good condition! how does Bon do anything without that help? She can't walk, she can't see!
So I sit here convincing myself I have to go visit them. But I'm scared, that's what is stopping me. I don't want to see either of them like that, I don't want to remember either of them like this. I don't want to see the possible conditions she is living in, or the condition of her physically. It really does scare me. But I am forcing myself to face it. Face my fears- that's what I do, right? It might take a couple more days, but I will do this. I love that woman, she was a huge support and a great friend for a long time in my life. I owe it to her, and to myself. I had a talk with my bestie about it, and she agrees it is fear, of the reality I may come face to face with. And I need to just be strong and overcome that... for Bon.
I pulled away from the best friend I ever had because I was afraid of the reality of her leaving me when she had cancer. I didn't want to see her in that condition... and look what happened- every day I have regrets that I wasn't there more toward the end.