suicide

The past 2 nights I have spent talking to 2 different very unhappy friends who are ready to end their lives. I did my best to talk them out of it... and honestly have no idea where either of them are at right now- neither have responded to any calls or messages, neither have been on social media. I am scared. They reached out to me, well, one did, the other I reached out to help. But I tried to help!
In my very messed up emotional state currently, and my own thoughts of death, I still want to help others. And it has helped me a little to realize that my own thoughts are foolish, selfish, and just wrong!
I hate depression, I hate addiction- which is a huge contributor to depression and suicidal thoughts (no, I do not suffer any addictions). I wish everyone was strong, and I wish I was as strong as I appear to others. I want everyone to find the joy in the little things and overcome the big things. But I can't expect others to just put it past them when I can't even do that.
I am praying that my 2 friends are alive and doing better today. I already feel guilty that I couldn't do more. And the idea that I might be the last person they spoke to tears me up.

Happy and safe holiday wishes to all.

New month- new me... maybe

It's July already! This year is flying by- this summer is flying by.
The past week has been hell, actually the entire year has been emotionally rough, but it all exploded this past week. And not only that, but the people who have helped hold me together this year are out of town and I've had no one to really turn to. They will be home in a matter of hours! They are my family, the people I love and who love me, the people who support me and don't judge me, and see me for what I am- not for what they want to see in me.
My depression has been terrible, as I said in my last posting- Im not suicidal, I just don't want to live... well, I feel a little better now, altho I am still struggling with the events of the past week and how to cope. I am finding ways...
I started reading, my craft books. Spells, potions, my beliefs. The more I read, the more I started feeling my passion re-emerging. Today I went to Crone's Hollow- my 'supply' store. I had a very nice talk with Katheryn and realized I still have so much to learn and relearn! I'm pretty sure if I had followed thru with what I wanted to do without talking to her- I might have destroyed a city. But I am going to get back to my craft, I will start doing spells and ritual, meditation... I need the Goddess in my life for peace and serenity. There has been much anger- which I haven't experienced in a very long time. I need to clear my mind and body of these negative emotions and energy.
I am beginning a new job this month, super excited for that. The past month has been rough not having an income, but I know it is worth it. I love working, and this company is a great company to work with- employee discounts and other benefits!
Thrive's new weight management product comes out for good this month- this week! I am so very excited to start that and get back to a weight that I am ok with! I love what my Thrive products have done for me, altho I'm struggling to pay for it every month right now- especially the Plus line products that I really like. But I know with this new product, I will have more customers jumping on board. I also plan to really get more active with promoting and selling this amazing product! It has been so life changing for me, and I want others to experience those benefits as well!
I am doing my best to shut off a lot of emotions and feelings, I cannot allow myself to be hurt any further. But it is so very hard when I have to shut off the only purpose I have had for so long. I feel I need to protect myself from the only thing that has brought joy to my life. Crazy!
I've made the decision to seek help for the depression. This is a very hard thing to admit. I don't like admitting to myself or especially to others that I have a problem, but I do, and I need to fix it before it totally consumes and destroys me.
So second half of the year- positive thoughts and positive actions! 

...?...

I am not suicidal... but I don't want to be alive. I guess that means maybe I am? I don't know. I don't want to hurt those who love me by taking my own life, but...
I know I have a lot to live for, there are a lot of things in my life that bring me happiness. But the one thing that matters most is gone, and I feel that purpose would be better if wasn't around at all.
I have a shattered heart, I feel my soul is charred and frozen, I have no will to go on at this point. I have always been a strong woman, I have be thru so much pain and heart ache in my life, and survived it and come out stronger and smarter... but not this time. I have never felt so helpless and weak and defeated in all my life. Even in the worst of my past situations- I always had hope- I don't have that now, I can't find hope in current situations.
I just don't want to be alive anymore. I can't take this pain.
If my life ends, I hope the people who have caused this pain understand that all I ever did was try to love them and help them.

I believe I need help, because ultimately I know death is not the answer. It would just cause more pain to others who don't deserve that. I'm lost in my own prison.

A new chapter begins

A few years ago my health failed me, I was forced to stop working- I was devastated! I hated that I was not out being part of the work force, bringing home money to help support my family, I felt worthless. A couple years ago I started to get better, by Christmas of 2015 I decided I was going to find a job and try  it out. 2 months later I got a part time job at 7-11, I was working less than 20 hours a week, low stress, just being out of the house and making a little money was incredible for me!
After a year I was made a supervisor, I had a ton of stress, was working well over the amount of hours my health was willing to take. I was underpaid and not appreciated... It was time to move on. I loved that job! The customers, the constant on the go, thats what I enjoy. But as time continued I realized there were things I really wasn't happy about and they wouldn't ever change. I started looking for a different job. I had one company in mind that I really wanted to work for- so I signed up on their employment page and got weekly emails about what locations were hiring for what positions. Finally something I could do and wanted to do came up! I immediately responded. I had a phone interview, followed by an in person interview the next day- and was hired on the spot!
Three days of going in to take care of paperwork and stuff and can today say I am officially employed with Smith's! I am so excited to be starting a new job and a new chapter of my employment book. I will be a part time cashier for an amazing company.
I left the job 7-11 with mixed emotions. I really did love that job, but at the same time I hated it. But it is now behind me. It helped me get back into work mode, it helped me regain my confidence and prove to myself that I could do anything I set out to do.
I start my training with Smith's tomorrow and am very excited about this opportunity to hopefully advance my needs- mentally and emotionally, even more. The past 8 years have been quite a roller coaster with employment and health, but I feel I am on the right track to a better me.
To everyone who supported me thru the rough times, supporting my choice to leave the last job and seek out something new, helping me thru the days I wanted to walk off the job when it got that bad... thank you.
Here's to the future!

Lagoon Day

I have not been to Lagoon since about 1994. And honestly had no plans to go any time in the near future. But thanx to a wonderful man giving a wonderful gift- we were able to have a family Lagoon day with TC and Katina and the kids. Other family was invited, but only a cousin and her daughter came. Sadly it is so expensive no one was really able to join us. But we still had an incredible time with the 9 of us who went! I am soo glad I decided to do this! Troy took the day off work, too. 
We got there before the gates opened, probably in the first 50 people in the park last Wednesday morning. Altho I don't go on the rides, I still had so much fun watching the kids and my husband have fun. I did go on one ride- Rattlesnake Rapids, that was fun. We had lunch, we went to Lagoon A Beach and rented tubes to float around for a while. We went to Pioneer Village and had the old west photos done... the entire day was incredible! So many laughs and smiles and memories. I was so happy that I was physically able to spend 10 hours on my feet and in the heat! And Katina, too! I got her on Thrive a couple weeks ago and Lagoon never would have been an option for her if she hadn't had such an amazing experience with Thrive! She and I left at 8:30, the guys and the kids stayed until the park closed.
This family, TC, Katina, Ambri, Alexander and Devin- have truly become family to Troy and I. I am so grateful and blessed to have them in my life to create memories with and have good times with. Sadly the two people who brought us together weren't able to join us- my daughter and TC's son who married last summer unknowingly created the best family ever! I wish we could have had them with us that day.

This was a day that will not be forgotten. Thank you to all who were involved in making this possible for us all. We are truly grateful for your love and support. Since bringing this family into my family 8 months ago, we have had our share of struggles, and never thought something like this would be possible. But one thing I have learned in these 8 months is that no matter what is in the bank or what is in the cupboards- love wins! Love, family, and staying strong is all that matters to be happy.

I love you all!

What it takes

As I admitted in an earlier post this week, I was suicidal ten days ago, nonstop crying, wondering if I could get thru everything that was weighing on me... I kept telling myself "just a couple more days." Well, I made it those couple days and got to where I felt safe and where I could relax and de-stress.
Tomorrow I go home. The past 7 days was just what was needed! No work or calls from work. None of the stresses of my marriage or my finances, I was able to put aside the things that have been killing my mind and my heart and just ... do nothing! I watched tv, I walked, I went to lunch with an old friend, I ate, I slept, I bathed in a jetted tub... I just relaxed. I reset. My only responsibilities were to take care of the dog and bring in the mail. Plenty of time for just me! No phone calls, only a couple text messages, I really did just shut myself out. I had time to think and plan, understand a couple things and accept some things.
I did realize something this week... don't ever allow yourself to get to that point. Reach out to someone- anyone! The day you fear yourself and what you could do to yourself, is the day to pick up the phone and call someone, tell someone what you are going thru, let it out... let someone in.
Tomorrow I will go home. I will be returning to some of the things that bring me down, but I will also be returning to things that lift me up. I will focus on the positive, I will look to the future and not dwell on the present. I will take things one day at a time and leave the past behind me.
We all need to run away once in a while. I am thankful for this family for trusting me and opening their home to me. I truly believe I would not be here to be writing this if I had not gotten away from my reality when I did.

More about this depression

A week ago I was on the verge of suicide. I was truly at the end of my rope and at a loss for what to do or how to go on. I hid from reality, I cried my way thru the next three days- just praying I could make it to my vacation. I knew that once I got away, had some time to myself- that I'd find a way to start felling a little better. Friday immediately after work, I had my husband bring me to my 'home away from home' vacation, and drop me off.
I haven't been bothered with work stress, I am not having relationship issues shoved in my face, I am not stressing about financial things, I'm trying to not to think about any of the things that have been beating me down... and its helping! Sadly I can't put aside the health issues that have me stressed and depressed, but I'm relaxed and getting a few things sorted thru my head. Coming up with ideas and plans, realizing I can't fix some things and need to just let them play out on their own, and the things I can change- I know I have the strength and ability to change... some things will just take time. I don't have much patience, something I struggle with... when I want something changed- I want it now. But I know that isn't going to happen.
I have relationships that are breaking apart, and this is one of the hardest things for me to accept. Seeing those I love change and become more distant is a crushing blow to my heart. seeing those I love not do the things that are best for them, or that damage our relationship more... very painful. I don't like losing people... especially when they can't see what is happening.
This time away I have been able to find the positive in my life, focus on those who are there for me and the things that make me smile, the things I do control in my life, and the positive changes I can make... in my own life.
I am one who worries more about everyone else and their feelings and well being before taking care of me or worrying about how I really feel. That's what a mom and wife does, right? Set our own needs aside to care for everyone else. But I go beyond that. I keep my feelings buried so I don't hurt anyones feelings, I do things for others before thinking how it will effect me- physically or emotionally.
I know this week away with time to think isn't going to magically turn everything around, I know I have a lot of work and a lot of focusing to do to keep myself on the right path, to get me back to being the person that I always wear the mask of.
These getaways are always a fabulous time for me to get my mind in order, to just forget and refresh. And return home with a new attitude.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, this has been the worst my depression has been in a number of years, maybe the worst ever. I can't say that everything is going to be fabulous when I go home, but I'm definitely on the right track.