...?...

I am not suicidal... but I don't want to be alive. I guess that means maybe I am? I don't know. I don't want to hurt those who love me by taking my own life, but...
I know I have a lot to live for, there are a lot of things in my life that bring me happiness. But the one thing that matters most is gone, and I feel that purpose would be better if wasn't around at all.
I have a shattered heart, I feel my soul is charred and frozen, I have no will to go on at this point. I have always been a strong woman, I have be thru so much pain and heart ache in my life, and survived it and come out stronger and smarter... but not this time. I have never felt so helpless and weak and defeated in all my life. Even in the worst of my past situations- I always had hope- I don't have that now, I can't find hope in current situations.
I just don't want to be alive anymore. I can't take this pain.
If my life ends, I hope the people who have caused this pain understand that all I ever did was try to love them and help them.

I believe I need help, because ultimately I know death is not the answer. It would just cause more pain to others who don't deserve that. I'm lost in my own prison.