A week ago I was on the verge of suicide. I was truly at the end of my rope and at a loss for what to do or how to go on. I hid from reality, I cried my way thru the next three days- just praying I could make it to my vacation. I knew that once I got away, had some time to myself- that I'd find a way to start felling a little better. Friday immediately after work, I had my husband bring me to my 'home away from home' vacation, and drop me off.
I haven't been bothered with work stress, I am not having relationship issues shoved in my face, I am not stressing about financial things, I'm trying to not to think about any of the things that have been beating me down... and its helping! Sadly I can't put aside the health issues that have me stressed and depressed, but I'm relaxed and getting a few things sorted thru my head. Coming up with ideas and plans, realizing I can't fix some things and need to just let them play out on their own, and the things I can change- I know I have the strength and ability to change... some things will just take time. I don't have much patience, something I struggle with... when I want something changed- I want it now. But I know that isn't going to happen.
I have relationships that are breaking apart, and this is one of the hardest things for me to accept. Seeing those I love change and become more distant is a crushing blow to my heart. seeing those I love not do the things that are best for them, or that damage our relationship more... very painful. I don't like losing people... especially when they can't see what is happening.
This time away I have been able to find the positive in my life, focus on those who are there for me and the things that make me smile, the things I do control in my life, and the positive changes I can make... in my own life.
I am one who worries more about everyone else and their feelings and well being before taking care of me or worrying about how I really feel. That's what a mom and wife does, right? Set our own needs aside to care for everyone else. But I go beyond that. I keep my feelings buried so I don't hurt anyones feelings, I do things for others before thinking how it will effect me- physically or emotionally.
I know this week away with time to think isn't going to magically turn everything around, I know I have a lot of work and a lot of focusing to do to keep myself on the right path, to get me back to being the person that I always wear the mask of.
These getaways are always a fabulous time for me to get my mind in order, to just forget and refresh. And return home with a new attitude.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, this has been the worst my depression has been in a number of years, maybe the worst ever. I can't say that everything is going to be fabulous when I go home, but I'm definitely on the right track.
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