Last night I went to bed feeling a bit off. I woke about an hour later having a bit of a panic attack... seizure coming? I swiped my magnet and laid my head back down... it didn't help. The panic got worse and I felt the oncoming seizure. I shot out of bed, grabbed my phone and magnet and ran upstairs. Just as I got to the top of the stairs the seizure was starting. I swiped my magnet again and fumbled for a light switch... I am house sitting, I am not in my own home this week, so light switches and things are not just where I know them to be. The basement is a terrifying place for me to have a seizure- any basement... What if I got hurt? no one would find me if they came to the house, the basement is dark- even during the day.
I got to the center of the living room- safe place- big open area, I think I swiped my magnet three times- I went to the floor but the seizure did stop. I sat on the floor and caught my breath and allowed my muscles to regain some strength- hard to walk when your legs are jello! I went to the kitchen and had a huge glass of water.
When I went back downstairs to return to bed, I couldn't do it. I rarely have multiple seizures in one night- but what if? I put on my sweats, got my pillow, turned of the tv, and went upstairs! I felt much more comfortable in the reclining sectional in the living room!
Anxiety left, my body and my mind were truly ready to sleep!
This is my life with epilepsy these days. It's hard when Im alone,but then again sometimes when I do have someone there- I wish I was alone! No one can take away the anxiety, or the seizure, no one can stop the things that go thru my head during these events.
I always say I have no fear, that I have faced and overcome my fears... but I actually do have one fear. I am scared to grow old alone, to have these health issues that I know as I get older- leave me risking injury and not being able to get help. I've heard stories of people breaking a hip from a seizure related fall, what if I hit my head bad? I know- all 'what ifs' but I still think about them.
I've had 2 mini strokes, both tied to seizures. What if I have a major stroke? And no one is around to see that something is wrong... Then again no one noticed after the second stroke even in a house full of people. I still have signs of the last stroke, its part of what is causing my depression- Im so frustrated with the changes and my inability to do things the way I should.
I woke up this morning a bit achy and still very tired, but I get up. Staying in bed might be an option while I'm away from home, but not in my regular life. I have a job, I have a home and husband to take care of... I have responsibilities that I can't just ignore because I don't feel good. So I get up, I do what I have to do.
I continue to pray for a cure, or that one day I will just stop having these seizures. But until that actually happens...
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