Depression

I have so many different things going on in my head and in my heart right now, so many topics I could focus on to write... all I know right now is that I need to write!
I've been dealing with a number of health related issues in recent months, this, in more ways that one, has contributed to my depression that is at an all time level right now. I haven't talked to anyone about the health concerns- nothing can be done and I am one of those who hates the sympathy thing! I try to hide it best I can- I take naps, I cringe in pain when no one can see, hide in the back room at work when I can't handle it... I hold the breakdowns for when I'm alone. My health isn't the only thing contributing to the depression, obviously, I have a lot going on in my life that has me stressed and down. I don't take meds for depression anymore, maybe I should! But at this point I truly don't think it would help... I need to solve the problems, I need to fix what's broken in order for me to not be broken. Pills can't do that.
I won't go into detail about the things causing my stress and depression, other than I am overworked, I have some relationship issues with a couple people and recently lost the one person who I never thought would walk out of my life- over something as stupid as politics... That has affected me more than I ever expected it could, she meant the world to me. I feel very much alone in everything I do, everything I am going thru, I feel alone in my life.
I have 2 amazing friends- unexpected best friends, who hold me together. I dont' think they realize they do, they don't really understand what is wrong with me and probably feel sometimes they are the problem... maybe a little of my stress comes from them, but nothing I can't work thru! They have been my saviors, my reason to keep pushing...
This week I stopped pushing. I finally broke, stopped caring- about anything or anyone... including myself. I've been scared of myself, and I have valid reason to feel that way. All week I have just been barely dragging thru, trying with all I had left to just get to this weekend. Vacation started- me time- an entire week away from home and away from work by myself. Time to escape the things that weigh so heavy on my mind. Of course those things still exist and will be there when I return... but for now I don't them staring me in the face. I can get a bit of peace, some time to clear my head and relax and try to remember why I do what I do and just maybe break some of this down and see if I can focus on each part of what has me so broken rather than all of it.
I'd like to say I am strong and I will get thru this just like all the other hard times I've had... but I honestly can't say that at this point. I do not remember a time that my depression was ever as bad as it is right now, and yes, I am scared. I have asked myself a dozen times this week  what do I have to even live for anymore? All the things I used to come up with... aren't there now.