Been quite a while since I even tried to tackle this blog! So lets catch up... 2020 was an insane rollercoaster of a year! The pandemic- both positive and negative came of it... part one of it! People said 2021 will be better... pandemics don't just vanish over night!

The election- wow... I won't say much on that other than I saw the true colors of a lot of people, I saw the hate and division in this country, and it sickens me!

We are now in February... 2021. My parents have been vaccinated, some friends have been as well because they are health care workers and teachers. I feel like parts of my world have crumbled around me- crumbles into such tiny pieces that they cannot be put back together. Other things are going so well- even a sledge hammer couldn't break me. 

It is so hard to look at some people and ever think I will see them the same as I did a year ago. But I know people make choices, people change... I am one of them. I stopped putting up with the bullshit. I stopped accepting apologies that didn't mean a thing. I stopped making excuses for other people.

I dove into my business- I am making it! I am focused, and I love what I am doing! I don't need those fake people in my life who do things that hurt... I DO have real friends, and I have the people who matter.

A year ago I was in the hospital having major tests done to see if I was eligible for brain surgery... What a stupid idea! voluntary brain surgery at my age? So this year I am facing some new medical things... first- a brand new specialist for my epilepsy. Scary and exciting at the same time, I meet her tomorrow. Yes, her. The 40 years I have had epilepsy, I have had 3 doctors. The first I hated and he didn't even last thru high school. The next 2 doctors- old, male, and not born in this country- leaving them a bit difficult to communicate with... their accents were strong. Amazing doctors, tho- both of them. So now? Female, young, and American. No, I am not racist, I just a new and fresh look at my situation, from someone who I can have a conversation with and not leave wondering what the doctor had just said to me. And I want this to be the last doctor I need for this.

A bunch of tests have come back telling me I am not as healthy in some areas as I thought I was, a couple things that a bit concerning but that I can fix by altering my lifestyle and eating habits. I am lucky to get that chance. And I will make it happen. I refuse to allow my health to stop me from living my best life... especially if I can do something about it.

A dear friend passed away in July. Someone I looked up to as a friend and a dad. It was heartbreaking, but I was given the most amazing blessing of sound when he passed. His wife gifted me his hearing aides. I keep thinking I am going to hear his voice... haha

Yes, it's true, I am mostly deaf without them now. I didn't even realize it until I could hear!

I will end this for now, I actually have a topic I want to get deeper into but in a post of it's own.

2020- A Year Like No Other!

We are entering June- not halfway thru the year yet but it seems to have lasted 3 years! 
January~ We listed out home and started making plans to return to the city.
February~ I went in the hospital for extensive testing to determine surgical options to treat my epilepsy... After 5 days of a planned ten, I walked out of the hospital, I was done. Zero results from any testing to that point, I was miserable- and honestly, at my age brain surgery is not what I really want!
Late February~ Troy left, returned to the city to begin work.
March~ I packed, cried, was lonely. The term Corona Virus came to be used everywhere. Cities started telling people to stay home, businesses started making it possible for workers to work from home.
A major earthquake hit Salt Lake! Stay inside to avoid the virus- get out of your house to avoid injury... what the hell is going on in our world?
Last week of March is when people really started getting put on stay home orders and cities were closing down- empty streets, dark businesses, Even the strip in Las Vegas was closed! Every casino dark. What alternate reality are we living in? And we cannot forget the great toilet paper shortage of 2020!
This was the weekend we packed up our home and said goodbye to our home, my dream come true, that fantastic little community that will always hold a place in my heart! It was hard to get help moving when we are told to not be around other people! But we have some pretty amazing friends!
April~ Aftershocks, coronavirus- aka covid19 is all that dominates the news... by this point all events- pro sports, concerts, anything that would have a crowd- has been cancelled. Children have been stuck at home being taught by video chat with teachers. People fighting over going out in public or having family get togethers. Wear a mask, stay home, don't touch your face, stay 6 feet from everyone! constant media coverage- daily updates of the number of cases and deaths, coverage of how people are getting thru it and what some people are doing to help others, businesses that are open for limited business... I JUST WANT TO SCREAM! If this is the new normal- move on, stop the constant coverage! People are losing jobs, unemployment rates are at an all time high. People like waitresses and bar tenders cannot survive without working! My daughter has been furloughed- she thankfully will have a job to return to. But many small businesses don't have the means to reopen their doors.
May~ More of the same with the virus, more people angry over the restrictions. Announcements of graduations not taking place- sad for those seniors who worked so hard, but eventually every school found a way to honor those kids!
Murder wasps! Yes, that is what May brought- the fear of murder wasps.
A bad cop killed a black man, 3 other bad cops stood by and did nothing... the nationwide outrage has absolutely been devastating and heart breaking to watch. Our entire country is having riots- even here in Utah! Never thought I'd see the day! As of yesterday every big city nationwide is under curfew for the next week! This is absolutely mind blowing to me! "Justice for George"... the four officers have been fired, the one is in custody on murder charges... the other officers are being investigated. Is this not justice for this man? These events always bring everyone out to protest the injustice of minorities- I get that. Black lives matter- I totally see them wanting to have their voices heard!
When a city is burning- that is not protesting. When tire irons are thrown at police- that is not protesting. Defacing a capital building or library- not that either! I am ashamed of our society! We are not a civilized people! Sadly half the people who turned the protests into violent criminal events- have no idea what the cause is even about! Talk about white privilege! That is a big deal phrase right now... but most of the people I have seen causing trouble at these protests are white and under 30. Rumors of people being murdered if they disagree with the cause... MY ADULT CHILD SHOULD NOT BE LIVING IN FEAR!
I am truly fed up! Sure I grew up in a life of privilege, never even really knowing minorities- but do I treat them different? No. We are all humans, not whites, blacks, hispanics, muslims, mormons, gays, whatever... we are human! And I love everyone the same!
A police officer was killed in Ogden last week... it is always hard when that happens. This time is different than usual. There cannot be a public service due to the virus. They aren't announcing details of the service due to the protests... The family and friends of this officer should not have to be in fear of things like this! They have a right to a peaceful mourning time. My bike group was specifically created for this reason- to protect funeral services from protesters... yet we have been ordered to stand down on this one? Part of me says screw that! But that tiny little logical voice in my head says I cannot defend myself if trouble starts. I am not the 20 year old who used to fight, I am a disabled 50 year old!

So how about some positivity... We stumbled across the ideal place to live! It was totally by chance we are in the place, and I am super grateful for the location, the arrangement, and our landlord!
We got an offer on our house and are currently under contract!
We got a new(er) bike- safer for me, mor comfortable for us both, it has all the features we have talked about wanting if we ever got a new bike.
And now my biggest news...
For the past almost 2 years I have been a consultant with Pampered Chef, The more I experience the company and the products- I become more passionate about them! I could never sell products I didn't truly stand behind... that being said- I have decided to make this a full time career! Due to my health it is not possible for me to work outside the home, and I have a need to help support my family! So Here I am, learning more and more every day about my business and offering everyone some incredible produts, and ways to get those products free and discounted... without having to join my team- or the amazing benefits of becoming part of the Pampered Chef family!
Anyone interested can reach out to me on Facebook- Red McCann
... Find my FB business page- In The Kitchen With Red
... Email me, or text if you have my personal info
... Check my website- https://www.pamperedchef.com/pws/amccann
I have huge goals and am super excited about my business. And am looking forward to my future for the first time in a very long time!
My husband and I have been addressing some relationship issues as well as some medical issues in our efforts to live the happily ever after we promised each other. No marriage is perfect- they take work. The biggest mistake you can make- is to ignore the problems and hope they go away or convince yourself you can live with it! Address it! Communicate, talk about the things that are bothering you, about the things you need and want from your partner!
So yeah- it has been one HELL of a year so far! Lets see what June has to offer?
If you are reading this- please just pray for those who don't get it! Show kindness everywhere! Smile at a stranger, buy someones coffee, give a waitress a big tip... they are trying to recover from not working for 2 months!
I love you all and I appreciate those who take time to read what I have to say... this really is just my place to vent, to record things for future reference.

Leaving Heaven- no regrets

No regrets? No- I don't have any!
Almost 2 years ago we made a life altering decision... and now we have come to the realization that it was not the best decision for us. But I don't regret it! I have enjoyed living in a small town, and will always wish we could have stayed. But truth is, we didn't think it out enough- we didn't plan properly or think of the possible things that could become a negative in living here. And maybe some day we will even be able to return.
But for now the decision has been made to leave this little piece of heaven to return to the big city. We sadly leave behind the home we thought would be our forever home, the dream come true or finally being homeowners- is lost for now. We will return to renting until we can get on top of things again. But what we gain by giving this up, can't be replaced by material things.
Medical professionals, family, friends, mental health, job stability and benefits... all things we must have to be happy and healthy.
We are not returning to the city with an attitude of defeat or with our heads hung... we took the chance on a different life, we went with the adventure! And loved it! We had great experiences, met amazing people, made fantastic memories that will always be cherished. Lessons learned.
So 2020 is a huge year for us! Selling our home, going back to the hustle and bustle of city life- the traffic, the crowds, the nasty air. Being close again to family and friends and those who support us in hard times. Troy returning to a job he loved, where he truly was appreciated and missed. Being back to our ride community and participating in those events that were such a huge part of our lives. And for me? Brain surgery! The doctors believe they can cut open my head, remove a part of my brain, and stop my seizures! WOW! This is a life altering possibility for me. So a lot is just up in the air about the remaining part of the year after surgery as far as recovery and change. It could potentially effect every aspect of my life. Hopefully the year will also bring new employment for me, and maybe even getting my drivers license back. We will be getting a new roommate and I am real excited about that.
So here's to the next chapter! A new year and a renewed future outlook for my family!

Four Corners Get Away

Troy and I have never taken an actual road trip on the bike, and I decided it's about time! The past year since we moved has been so hectic and stressful and penny pinching... I just felt like we deserve it! Then I got thinking- wouldn't it be fun to take my daughter? Family time, let her see some things she hasn't seen... then I thought- that might be boring for her, really, and her sister in law loves to ride! They are best friends, both would love the chance to see some sights and ride!
So we recruited a couple friends so our girls would have back seats- people we trust, people we enjoy spending time with. I planned out a 5 day- 4 night trip, and a week ago the six of us headed off!

Day one was spend riding thru southern Utah and into southern Colorado. Stops about every hour to stretch, rehydrate and sun screen up! We got to our hotel in Cortez, spent some time at the pool, and crashed!
Day 2 we set out for Mesa Verde, that didn't go as planned but we did go to the museum and visitor center (I had no idea it was something I needed to plan an entire day and a big chunk of change for!)

We continued on to Four Corners. Not at all what I was expecting, but very cool. There were probably about 50 vendors- all Navajo people trying to survive selling their talents... and wow are they a bunch of talented people! In the center of this vendor square was the monument, with a 40 minute line of people waiting to get photos! Crazy! But this was my whole purpose of the trip!

Then we headed off to Farmington NM from there. I was really in awe with the people and the things I saw in this entire area. Our first stop, and really only planned stop,  in Farmington was the Harley shop... We had to get gifts and needed to get something checked on the bike to make sure it was still holding... needless to say- it was not holding.

We made an outof our control situation into probably the best night of our trip! Spent the night there, and the amazing folks at Four Corners Harley had us back on the road before noon the next day! Side note- never ever reserve a hotel room thru Expedia, Wyndham, or Day Inn! Best Western all the way!

Due to the change in where we stayed on the second night, we had to make up some time and distance so we cut about 2/3 of our route 66 off the trip- but we still rode it! And of course we stopped at one of the highlights of route 66 and did all the touristy stuff...

From there it was a quick ride to Flagstaff... What a beautiful place! It has been since my childhood and I had fprgptten how pretty Flagstaff is!

Untitled...

I have seriously slacked on my writing and sharing! My vacation is only half typed up and saved- that was in June! Life gets in the way, and I have had so many challenges and trials that I need to remember I can express here- but instead I bury them and find unhealthy outlets.
I am again, in a dark place in my life... I have so much positive in my life and so much motivation to be going forward with a lot of things... but the depression cannot be avoided, and when one thing comes to light that can change my entire perspective of things- I crash. I am not the strong person most people see, I have a really good mask to hide most of it- my priority is always being strong for others and not letting my pain show. No matter the situation. Just my personality. Meanwhile I sit at home hurting, crying, heartbroken- out of sight, and not telling anyone.
Last week, for example, my daughters grandfather passed away. Truth? It about killed me, I am hurting! I haven't been a part of that family in over 25 years, so why would I have any emotions over it? Right? No, he was a dad, treated me as family all these years. Just an example.
My depression is worse than even my husband realizes. And I don't know how to fix it, I don't have any support from anyone when it comes to my depression... maybe I do, I just haven't put it out there and asked for help. But the people I would want support from- push me away. The people I love most, don't get it or don't want to deal with it, some don't even realize how much they matter to me.
My oldest dog- Roxy, had surgery last week, tough on me- she is my life. She is doing really well tho.
We got a puppy... Zoee, she will be a small dog forever. I think part of the reason I wanted another dog was to give me another reason to live. Really, my dogs give me a reason to hold on. I know, you are thinking I am an idiot because my husband and my daughter should be my reasons... not really. Yes, I love them, but they would be ok without me, they would understand where I went... my dogs can't understand if I just disappear one day, they can't take care of themselves, either.
I am fighting again with my daughter, it seems to be a regular thing. She is just as stubborn as I was when I was young. I am terrified I am going to lose her for good, that might be what pushes me over the edge- who knows. I do know that I hate her life choices- yes, I said I hate... she is smarter than this, and deserves better.
My best friend is moving here in a couple weeks- I hope it helps me. He is one person I can open up to a little about stuff. Not that he will have a bunch of spare time for me once he is here, but an occasional meetup for coffee, bbq with he and his wife, stuff like that... and just knowing he is closer if I really need him. He really does know me better than my husband does... how pathetic is that? I really need to do something about that, too... truth- I hate how my marriage is! I love my husband so much but we really have a crappy relationship.
anyway- that's where I am today- suicidal thoughts are often there, but I don't think I would ever follow thru, at least not now. I cry- daily, and when things are bad with my daughter the tears just go non stop. 

Memories

A lot of memories have come up today, much of my past. In conversations with my best friend about some things- other things popped into my head... things I don't like to remember, things I had forgotten, things that made me smile and things that made me wonder what if.
As I have always said- I have no regrets, every choice i ever made in life brought me to where I am today and where I am meant to be. People always talk about their past and say 'that was so stupid of me,' or 'I wish I had done different.'  No! All those what ifs... mean nothing. If I had not married my abusive husband- I never would have divorced him... which is what led me to some of the people who have become long time friends. If I hadn't accepted that one job that everyone told me not to take- I never would have met my daughters father- and she wouldn't exist! So how can a person say it was stupid or you should have lived differently? I quit college- who knows where I would be if I had continued! Probably financially better off, but stuck living in the city with some boring husband and a 'typical' life. That is so not me!
I have had so many experiences in my life it really is hard to remember everything. Drug use and alcohol abuse during depression probably had a huge effect on why I struggle to remember a lot! But even that- it's part of who I am today.
People always tell me they don't me, they won't judge my past... I still hesitate. I see those same people putting others down for a lifestyle or a choice that I once had... would they still not judge me if they know? My life and my story are an open book to anyone who asks, I have very few I trust to truly open up to, people who have proven they won't just who I was, what I've done, and really don't care why.
I've done a lot of things that most wouldn't understand- not only my why, but even what! All I can say is I lived! I am not sitting here asking myself 'I wonder what that would be like?' Because every time I have asked that- I do it!
I do, however, tend to overthink things, and think about those things from the past... not ask what if or say I shouldn't have... but I analyze myself and ask WHY. Does it even matter at this point? Not really. Something for me to work on.
I really don't know where I am going with this, but I do have one bit of advice to anyone reading... NEVER pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you feel. You could miss your happily ever after. Communication is not only key to a successful marriage or working relationship- it is key to a positive, successful life!

1/4 down... 3 to go

Not gonna lie, this year so far has been rough! Financially not so bad- financial planning- yeah. But I'm talking about my health, my physical well being, as well as my mental and emotional health. I have had more days than I want to admit that I have not wanted to get out of bed! But I do! Every single day- no matter how intense the pain, or how debilitating the depression, I get out of bed every day. Some days it has taken my cane and the walls to help me get around, some days it takes me an hour to get to an upright position- but I do it! I cannot and will not allow my body or my mind to defeat me, or define me.
I have fought a few struggles, but I know that if I believe in myself and in my dreams, that everything will be ok in the long run. Nobody said life was easy, nobody said the things we have done this past year would be a walk in the park. We have to take chances and step out of our comfort zone if we want to get anywhere in life, if we want to see our dreams happen. And if that means eating ramen a few times, and fighting with your spouse more than normal, crying yourself to sleep a few more times because you feel worthless. If it means pushing thru the physical pain because you know it comes and goes in waves, and taking that pain pill once in a while that you hate to take- just to get a good nights sleep... we have to sacrifice to get what we want.
We closed on our home this first part of the year! We never thought we could become home owners. We are taking a trip this summer! Something we just have not had the means to do for years. Little things are happening for me that are reminding me of why we moved. I have faith that when the warmer weather gets here- much of my physical pain will decrease.
The rest of this year will be positive, as much as I can make it! Yes, I suffer depression- so much worse than I let anyone, even my husband, know. I hide in my house, away from people, away from where I can be seen or heard, I cry when I'm alone and do my best to put on a happy face when I have to. Luckily this isn't ongoing- it comes and goes. My depression scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go to a doctor and ask for meds- I don't want doctors to think I want some happy pills! And, I just hate meds in general. I don't want my husband to get tired of my problems and leave me. I have had suicidal thoughts- too often... that is terrifying as well- I don't want to die!
Anyway... one day at a time, one month at a time... one fourth of this year is gone!

The American Dream

February 5th, 2019... We officially became home owners!
Growing up you think you have your entire life planned out... college, marriage, start a career and family, and buy a home in your mid to late 20s. And, if the career works out the way you want- you will be in that same home, your kids will attend the same schools and have the same friends thru their entire youth. You will pay off that home well before retirement... and live happily ever after.
WOW! Wouldn't it be amazing if life was really like that? Surprise- it isn't!
Troy and I both grew up in this type of life. Our parents had it all figured out. And we are grateful for that! But us- not so much.
I can't speak for Troy, but he was single, didn't go to college, worked and paid rent for years. As for me- I made some crazy choices, tried college- but that wasn't for me. Even tried the family thing, but apparently that wasn't for me either. Then as a single mom I figured I would never own a home unless some zillionaire fell in love with a messed up single mom! My last husband and I were actually in the process of buying when my world crumbled with that one and tore my family apart. So again- never thought I'd own a home.
Then Troy and I came together. After about a year I was at the top of my world financially, we were doing really well and started thinking maybe after a couple years of cleaning up our credit we could do it... then the loss of job, health issues, trying to help other people... it all takes a toll on your finances, your motivation, your credit. But in my mind I still had the determination to one day be making house payments rather than paying rent! We got into a rent to own type deal that fell thru after 3 years, that was a bummer but actually a blessing. I did love that house... but I hated the city.
When we came here to visit and saw how inexpensive homes were- I knew we could do it!
It wasn't as easy as hoped- we are first time home buyers and had no clue what we were doing! Thank goodness for the amazing seller, she was incredible in helping us thru every step of this emotional rollercoaster! We moved into this house early June 2018- our original goal for closing was Troys 50th birthday (in October), then our anniversary (just before Christmas), then by the end of 2018... road block after road block, I was ready to give up so many times! But we are finally here- we have achieved the american dream! 
Welcome to the McCann Mansion in Spring Glen, UT! Our door is always open to visitors! This is our home!

My Birthday Weekend- Fun, fabulous... fear

This entire year has been so full of change- I truly did go on a soul searching mission, I needed to re-find myself, my passions, figure out what truly is important to me. When we moved in June, I walked away from a lot of people who I honestly felt just weren't that important anymore. I have eliminated so much negative from my life, and welcomed so much peace, I have built relationships that feel good to me, and am still working on rebuilding relationships that I have realized are important.
We had a number of things to take care of in the city and had put them off- knowing we would end up going to the city during the holidays whether we wanted to or not. So we made a list of what had to be done and who we truly wanted to see, and Friday we headed up.
Priorities were deal with first thing- business. Then off to visit a few people.
I can truly say our visit with my parents, altho short, was the best time I have had with them in I don't even know how long. We talked, we laughed, it was like everything is finally normal with us... after all the hurt and the anger, the years of no contact... I feel like I have my mom and dad again- and it is the best feeling ever!
We stayed the night with my mother-in-law and had a nice visit with her as well. She is truly the sweetest, kindest woman I have ever had in my life. We went to dinner with her and just spent some time visiting. She is often alone, both of her kids live a couple hours away. But she is a very kind and loving woman.
Saturday started with a phone call from my daughter- as my birthday always does, It sucks that I can't see her more, but that is part of having our kids grow up. Then some friends met us for breakfast, it was great to just relax and laugh with a bunch of our friends who really didn't even know each other! People I missed more than I realized- people who I care about a lot. There were people who couldn't be there that do mean the world to me, but it felt good that these few took the time to come see us.
We made one last stop half way home to see a dear friend who I realized I haven't seen in almost 3 years- but the friendship remains, she makes me laugh like no other.
We came home and spent a quiet evening at home with our fur babies who missed us terribly! Birthdays aren't what they used to be- I didn't care that I wasn't out drinking and dancing, I just wanted to be home.
Then Sunday came... catching up on chores and such, and watching football. Then a call from my daughter again... reality. Fear hit hard, shock, panic really. Her dad, my ex husband, had a heart attack. He turned 50 the day before and has always been one of the healthiest people I know. How does that even happen? I was overwhelmed with sudden thoughts of how do I help my daughter thru this- how would I help my daughter thru this if it had been a more serious heart attack? The thought of losing him has never entered my mind. My heart hurt, for her, for his mom who has been my best friend and my rock for almost 30 years, for my good friend who just became his wife a couple months ago... and for myself. I thank the gods he is going to be ok! He was taken by helicopter to the U of U, and if all goes well he could be home tomorrow. So much goes thru your head when something like this happens. I worry about my daughter, she knows her grand parents aren't well- but to have this now, to have the concern over her dad, too, just makes me sad. She has dealt with my health issues for as long as she can remember- but they have never been life threatening.
I think it is time for all of us to reevaluate our lifestyle choices and make some changes and do what it takes to improve our health and live longer so we can be here for her for as long as possible.

Family Time

My daughter and I have always been so very close... until she got married. Our relationship became strained, we didn't spend time together- we hardly even talked much. She moved away, then I moved further away the other direction.
Things are getting back to normal with us- talking more, laughing more... and she came to spend this past weekend with us.

Nothing compares to time spent with the one person who is truly your everything. We had an amazing time just being together, the three of us. We spent some time with friends, we went sight seeing, and just hung out at the house together.

I wish she lived closer, I wish we could see each other more, I wish a lot of things for her. But she is living the best life she can and I am so proud of her and the life she is making for herself. 

Sadly our visit barely lasted 48 hours... but every minute was cherished. We took the time, with the help of a dear friend, to get photos and memories of this weekend. We haven't had real photos done for so many years- it is nice to have something updated, as well as memories of our time together.

This is us, this is out life, this is my world...

I was so truly happy this weekend, nothing mattered other than the moment. I love my life and I am so blessed to have this husband and this daughter.

Something About a Small Town

A year ago if someone had said "hey, let's go out tonight," I would have given them a list of reasons not to go... Friday night traffic, crowds, drunk drivers, the list goes on. That was life in the city, we stayed in most weekends because we just didn't feel safe going out, or have any desire to deal with crowds of any kind.
Tonight Troy came home from work and I said lets go! We drove into town and parked behind the diner. The place was packed, I think we got the last table other than the 8-top. We had a nice dinner, I chatted with the lady raffling a quilt for a fund raiser, we saw people coming and going with faces painted for Day of the Dead... and the entire staff had their faces and hair done, as well. 
After dinner we walked Main Street. It was a beautiful night- the weather was just right, not too cold. Families and people walking their dogs, the tamale lady we can always count on to be there, there was a booth doing flu shots, the galleries and shops were all open. We went to the new Harley museum... when we came out I could hear the kids across at the park laughing and playing. THIS is why I wanted to live in a small town. Kids can play after sunset and not be afraid of being snatched away, people can wander in the street and not fear being hit by a car. People come out on Friday nights- not to cause trouble, but to have fun!
We talked to strangers, we enjoyed being outside. To date I have heard one siren since we moved here, I've seen no car accidents. I don't hear traffic other than an occasional loud train.
I stepped outside before bed last night leaving my porch light off- I saw so many stars! There is almost no light pollution here to keep me from seeing them.
This move has had its ups and downs, and sometimes I have to remind myself why we made this decision... last night was one of those reminders that my small town gave me without me having to tell myself.
It was a perfect evening in this new chapter of our life.

4 letters...

Dear Young Teen Girl~ So many people will ask why you didn't speak out sooner, why you let it continue. You will be told what you 'should have' done... you can't change the past. I bet I know why you never spoke up- you were scared, manipulated, confused. Don't let any of this make you feel inferior, don't allow this experience to define you, and don't you ever let anyone tell you that it was your fault- even what is to come- it is not your fault! You have a long road of healing and court and rebuilding your own life and your relationships with your family. You won't be ok tomorrow, you may not be ok next year... but you will be ok. He hurt you, he violated your trust and your privacy and so many other aspects of you. He lied and probably made you lie, and he will be in a place far from where he can ever hurt you or anyone in your family ever again. Don't let this weigh you down, rise up and grow from this experience, be strong and move forward with your life, help others to be strong- teach them that what happened to you is not ok and they need to use their voice. Strengthen your bond with your sister, and your mother. Your mother feels she failed you, feels like the worst mother ever... she didn't do this, she would have done something if she had known. She loves you more than life!
Dear Mother of Teen Girl~ You did not fail! You are not responsible. I know what people are saying to you- I also know what your response is. 'How could you not know?' People like him are good at what they do, hiding it, manipulating the child. And you had your dream! You had the man of your dreams and your family and he took such good care of you all... you were blinded by that to anything going on that might take that away. He made sure you were happy, so you wouldn't question anything he did. He had your trust, what would make you doubt him? You did not fail your daughter, it hurts! It is not just an emotional pain- it is a physical pain that won't go away any time soon... but it will go away. And you will heal and your daughter will heal. More than ever you and your family need to bond and be stronger than ever together, support her, believe her! Hear her. You need time to heal, she needs time to heal. Be that mom that your daughter needs, show her what a strong and amazing young lady you are creating in her. Therapy- family therapy, healing process and putting it behind you. But don't hide behind the walls of your home. Have a voice, don't let this experience fade into the shadows- make it known what he has done to your daughter, to your family. Make it known that this is not acceptable for any step parent or parent. Make it known that your family is stronger than he is. Believe in your daughter, believe in yourself... and believe that people believe you. Don't allow anyone to blame you.
Dear Step Father- How dare you! You married a woman you supposedly loved, you took on her children and created a family. You had them all trusting you and loving you. And then you manipulate everything and destroy every aspect of that picture perfect family. You lied to them all, you kept secrets and made them keep secrets from each other! You scared an innocent girl into doing what you wanted. And in a matter of hours 4 innocent lives crumbled because of your sick, selfish, disgusting existence! Your wife has had the man who she trusted and loved exposed as a monster, she has had her children ripped from her home, and she has been attacked by outsiders for not protecting her children from you. Two girls have been forever traumatized by you, they can- and will heal emotionally, but the physical scars and the nightmares... no, they will live with that. And a young man who is far away in the military unable to rush to his sisters' side or his mothers to comfort any of them right now. You are the definition of evil.
Dear Former Friend~ I am completely mind blown by what I have heard and read over the past 48 hours. You? No, that isn't you... yeah, it is. But you love your family... UGH! Why didn't I see this? I've been there- and you know that! I opened up to you about the hell we went thru, the nightmare my daughter lived. What I as a mom went thru and as the wife of that monster. And you acted like you fucking cared! I hate you! I have literally been sick to my stomach thinking about this. Why? No, I know why... because I have been there! You just sicken me. I am still just at a loss for words at this point- you were my friend! Like a little brother! How did I not see this in you? Maybe because you live so far away and we were never around each other, I don't know. But I guess it just goes to show- you never truly know a person.

Just in time

When we were first talking about leaving the city we had a lot of reasons- traffic, noise, accidents... the basic stuff that pushes peoples buttons. Shortly before we left, we witnessed a sheet being pulled over a biker- that had followed numerous motorcycle accidents already this year. I feared getting on the bike anymore.
After we left the city it seemed every week there were multiple motorcycle accidents- and more than half were fatal.
In the past month or so- there have been more bike accidents, a large number of fatal car accidents, and shootings! Violence seems to be on the rampage up there lately! My last place of employment has been robbed twice! The last time, the clerk was stabbed! All of this terrifies me!
We truly did leave just in time. Are we free of all that here? Of course not- I know that. But I think we are a lot less likely to be caught in the middle of a shooting or get stabbed when we go for a snack, or even be victim of a drunk driver.
My daughter is learning to drive, scares the hell out of me! she will be driving and moving back to the city. I know- she's an adult, she needs to face the things we all do. But those mom thoughts will always be in my head- why can't I just protect her forever? Then soon her sister will be driving too? I haven't raised my other daughter, but she is still in my head every single day. Her dad is amazing, so is her mom, I know they are teaching her well, but the things happening in the city- most of the time can't be avoided! You can't forsee a drunk driver coming at you, you can't know that your work is going to be held up- or that an ex will lose his mind and come hunt you down with a gun.
I see these things on the news and just breathe a sigh of relief that I am not in the middle of that anymore. I will worry every day for the rest of forever about my girls and others I care about... But as I keep reminding myself, I have chosen to live for me, we moved to save ourselves.
So now what do I worry about here? I worry about the first deer that comes into the yard and what my dog will do! I worry about my husbands work truck having problems in the winter... yes, small town life is stressful! lol

Random thoughts

Been thinking a lot about things that have or haven't happened over the years, opportunities I had, choices I made... where I would be today had I made different choices.
The first big one- what if I had admitted to myself and to others that I preferred women over men way back when...? Everything would be different, that's for sure! I wouldn't have 2 amazing daughters, and that is probably the biggest difference.But it would have completely changed the path of my life- jobs, education, even where I lived. Where would I be today?
Second- much further down the road. What if I had taken that job, that one job that would have given me a career, a future, benefits including retirement... as a single mom- that was a dream come true- that I turned down.
What if I had pulled the trigger that night? would I be locked up for murder for the rest of my life? before I had kids. Or would they have seen it as I did- or as I chose to- defending my own life, protecting me.
All the choices to this point were made because I needed something different than what was in front of me. Some logical choices, some emotional choices- either way, they were what I felt was best in the long term.
Moving on to other 'what-ifs'...
I made a choice to start doing pornography. There were, at the time, a number of positives to this! But what if I hadn't? What if I had stepped back and chosen to not take that path? That really is a big question mark in my mind. I still have no regrets from that part of my life, I have no regrets about anything. It was an interesting experience, fun, educational, very profitable...
Which brings me to my next 'what if'...
Where would I be today if I had gone back into that line of work after prison? Would I be married? Would I be rich? Would I even be successful with it at this age?
My point that has been eating at me is this... no matter what choices I made, they were what I needed at the time to bring me to where I am today. Today I am happy. I may not have as much money as I would like, I may not have the retirement savings to keep my mind at ease. I may still have nightmares about that night with the gun. But I am happy. I have everything I need and want- a wonderful husband, who never would have come into my life if any of those choices had been different, a beautiful daughter, who may not even exist if some of those choices had been different.
Life gives us choices every single day. We can take option A or option B- one will take us down a completely different path than the other. But as I have learned, you can't allow yourself to over think these options. Do what feels right! Don't look at them both and ask where will this take me 10 years from now- because I can tell you from experience, a choice you make today may be offset by one you make tomorrow, or next month.
Live for now, live for happiness. And for goodness sake don't dwell on the past and those what ifs!  

The story of Troy

This amazing guy- my husband... turned 50 this past week. Life I'm sure has not turned out the way he expected, our marriage- I know is not what he expected.

I met Troy in 1984 in high school. We had a ton of mutual friends and he was the quieter one of the group... always there, but never got into trouble, never was the center of attention. He was nice with the bad boy look. I was a year older, and pretty much had my life planned out- engaged already.
We remained friends thru my dark marriage and rebellious divorce period... even went out once... until I drifted away to live my life day by day, taking things as they came. 
Fast forward to when I became a mom. I was separated from my husband and working nights at Village Inn- back when they were a 24 hour place. Troy would come in, sometimes alone sometimes with friends- sit for hours drinking coffee. He rode his motorcycle year round, we would make sure he had plenty of hot coffee! He came in almost every night and would help care for my daughter. There were many nights I had no choice but to take her to work with me, and she was so happy with him.
Again life got in the way and we lost track of each other. I married a third time (to another friend of Troys), left the state for a while. Then was in a long term relationship that ended weeks before I was to marry again. Then met someone I thought would be my last. Turns out he and Troy knew each other, I saw Troy off and on at the coffee shop during that time.
That marriage turned my entire life up-side-down, I thought I would never see anyone I knew again- ever.
Fast forward 2007... I was working at a gas station and guess who walked thru the door! I threw my arms around him like he was my long lost brother! I had been thru some shit and every familiar face at that point was a blessing!  He told me to go outside with him, he needed to show me something... so I did. He finally, after so many years, got himself a brand new Harley. He was so excited to show it to me, so proud of that bike! We talked for a few minutes until I had to get back to work. We made plans to go for a ride.
We have been together ever since.
Troy had a good job driving truck locally, I quickly moved up from a cashier to assistant manager, to getting my own store. He helped me get places- I was truly just starting my life over, with nothing. He helped my self esteem, he helped me believe in myself so I could climb to where I got. He stood by me when a lot of people wouldn't. He didn't care what others thought or said. Troy loved me for me... and still does.
Troy has been there for me thru things I never would have expected in my life, he has supported me emotionally and financially. He has sat at my bedside thru major illnesses and surgeries, and sat at my side when we celebrated my high points as well. He has put up with who I am and things I do... face it- I am not the quiet reserved type! He never said a word when I chose to help this friend or that family when they were in need of a roof over their head- he helped me.
When depression set in he just wanted me to be better, he was willing to do anything to make sure I was ok...
Which led us to where we are today. I needed out of the city, I couldn't take it anymore. He went along with what I wanted, he left an amazing job- giving up all the benefits, he left everything he has ever known... to move to small town life- for me.
It has not been an easy adjustment for him, for either of us. But he is making the best of it until we get our life where we want it to be... because he knows this is what is saving my life.
We have had our share of ups and downs, separations, talk of divorce, all couples go thru hard times. We aren't a typical couple, behind closed doors we are much different than what our friends see... or are we? I am more in love with this man than I was the day I married him. There were times I questioned my love for him- but every day that passes, every challenge we face together, I fall more in love with the man he is and the husband he is.
I was so lucky to find him when I did. He truly is my happily ever after... no matter what we face. It will be together.

Defeated But Not

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and sometimes it gives us an entire shut out. But somehow we always find a way to hit that ball out of the park, right?
This week has been full of curve balls! I have felt so completely defeated. But it isn't because of anything I did wrong- I have to remember this! I have done everything right, everything I could to the best of my ability to make things fall into place as they should... but those curve balls come out of random places that I have no control over.
We hit a detour with the house- not a road block! We had expected to close this week, but something that we knew was going to hold us back, but had gotten swept under the rug by the mortgage lady- came back to bite us... we have to wait until December. My dream of being home owners before my husband turns 50 went out the window this week, but we will be home owners before 2018 is over. I am forced to find the positive in all of it, and really- there are positives in waiting!
This entire parenting thing SUCKS! In my childs eyes I am sure I am the worst mother ever, and at this point I just don't care anymore. I have done everything I can, destroyed my own emotional and mental health trying to be the mom she wants me to be... but I honestly don't think she even knows what she wants from me. She wants support- I support her- I get attacked for treating her like a child. I can't win... I'm just done playing. The last 2 years have completely killed my heart and soul, I have nothing left to give her. She isn't a person I recognize, she isn't a person who cares about anything or anyone that matters. I lost her to a darkness that I won't- can't- allow myself to be involved with any longer. All I can do is hope and wait... for the day her wakes up from the nightmare we see.
A lot of changes in my life in recent months, a lot more to come- I'm sure. I've started with a second direct sales company, I am looking to get a part time job. My husband is still adjusting to small town life and we are both searching for that place to fit in here. It doesn't happen over night- but I know in a couple years everything will be so perfect for us here! Right now it's rough, depression in us both- but we are supporting each other and lifting each other up... getting thru it together.
Tears have been flowing off and on all week, but I am getting thru it all. One day I can say the stress was worth it when we sign for this home. One day my daughter will love me again and just maybe see that her happiness is all that has mattered to me- ever.

Was t Worth It

Three and a half years- you were out of prison and out of trouble for three and a half years. You had finally left my head- the fears and anxiety of bumping into you- didn't even enter my head anymore, the stress of my daughter seeing you at the mall- always there to some degree- but very much faded. You, your face, your existence- barely a thought. My daughter- forever traumatized by you- no longer living in the county you are in, me- moving hours away, and the child we had together- wouldn't know you if she were standing next to you... peace of mind was finally found, your existence almost forgotten.
Then out of the blue... a phone call... "you are receiving this call because you are registered with VINE to receive notifications of any status change in an offender named...."
The next 24 hours was filled with stress. Did he hurt someone else? Did he run? Is he going back to prison? Off parole?
Within hours I was able to find that a warrant had been issued- not by the city or county, by the Board of Pardons. Parole violation. OMG, he did it to someone else, is what went thru my head. My heart hurt as I laid in bed sleepless that night. First thing yesterday morning I was able to get more information- I spoke to the board, I spoke to his parole officer... no, no one else has been hurt. You violated your parole by committing a totally different crime. What were you thinking? A crime that will get you sent to another state to stand trial and serve time- as much time as you served here your first time around. I shouldn't care, and really- I don't! But I cannot wrap my head around the thought process. I hear of people all the time re-offending shortly after release because they have become institutionalized and cannot live without that structure... but you had over three years of staying out of trouble!
24 hours after that phone call, I got confirmation that you were in custody and behind the gates of the Utah State Prison again. Your family- clueless, your victims- elated... and breathing a sigh of relief. Relief because we no longer have to worry about bumping into you at the mall or standing next to you at a bus stop, relief that my youngest child can go to school with her parents not fearing an abduction or any kind of contact.
As I laid my head down on my feather pillow, stretched my legs in my queen sized bed, felt the a/c blowing over me... I did think about you- I thought about that flat pillow that has been slept on by dozens of others, that 3 inch thick mat that is barely as tall as you are, in an 8x8ft cinder block room. Was it worth it? When I stepped outside at 1am for some fresh air and to see the stars- I thought about you... locked in that cinder block room 23 hours a day. Was it worth it? When I woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee and stepped outside for a cigarette- I thought about you being given food with no choice of what you eat or drink. Was it worth it? As I drove to the post office this morning- I thought about you... you can write a letter- but to who? You can make a phone call- when they tell you you are allowed... and if anyone will accept charges for it. Was it worth it? I'm sitting here on my computer- able to search any website, email anyone, with my phone at my side able to call anyone anytime... thinking of you... no internet, no computer- just paper and pencil. Was it worth it?
You went to prison for 9 years because you "thought you could get away with it." Yes, that statement is burned into my head forever. Was that worth it? Your family, your friends, your reputation, your life- forever changed. Was that worth it? It must have been, because I cannot comprehend how you would do something to put you back in that same position.
I was so close to making arrangements to come face to face with you, to confront my demons of that chapter of my life... to look you in the eye and say the things I need to say to you, ask the things I need to ask. That option is gone... out the window the minute you were taken into custody. I cannot visit you in prison, the protective order won't allow that. So I will again stare you down will flames in my eyes as you enter the room for your hearing- as I have each time. And after that, I will close the door on that chapter again, hopefully for good this time.
Remember the card reader? Remember what she said? This would be your only chance... she was right... and look at what you did to that chance, look at what you did to destroy what you created... look at where you are now...
Was It Worth It?

understanding depression

People who have never truly lived with depression, really don't understand what goes thru my head most of the time. It isn't as simple as 'just breathe' or 'smile, you'll feel better.' I get told to just BE positive... really? My mind doesn't work the same way as other people.
People see me as feeling sorry for myself... no, far from it! I am blaming myself for everything that is wrong in the world. Seeking attention? no, the tears I hide are much more than what anyone ever sees, the thoughts I have- most never leave my own head. Tell me I am being dramatic- all I am doing is reaching out for help, trying to release some of the pain in my own head. But most people don't see any of that...
I cry and scream behind closed doors. I question my purpose, my journey, even my existence. But most people don't see that side- they see the mask I put on when I leave my house, the smile that comes thru on the occasions that I am actually enjoying life. But that is not the norm- and no one gets that.
When I try to close off and focus on me, trying to figure things out in my life and get back on a level ground for a while- I get attacked for shutting people out, not doing what I am 'expected' to do. Why do people expect anything of me? Because I have pretended for so long to be ok?
Depression SUCKS! And what makes it worse is when you feel attacked by those around you who claim they care, but they don't understand.
I read a really good article last night called "Invisible 280."  For every person who loses their life to suicide- there are 280 people who survive- whether it be surviving that attempt, or stopping just before that moment. I am one of them. The suicidal thoughts, and attempts- ran rampant in my head for a long time- daily. I started to get better, I thought I past all that. Moving to a small town and completely changing every aspect of my life has been much harder on me than I anticipated. The depression has come flooding back, thoughts of taking my own life- yes, thoughts of acting on it- not at this point. But right now I don't even have anyone to talk me down from there if I did get there.
Fake friends, judgmental friends, people telling me I'm making bad choices and doing the wrong things with my life... isn't this MY life? So many people have left me, walked away from supporting me and my choices in the past couple months. That doesn't help my depression. I mean, I always feel alone- no matter who is or isn't there to support me- the feeling of having an empty lonely life is a constant.
If I could take away this disease, I would in a heartbeat! People think I use depression to get the attention and as an excuse for various things... no, I hate it! I can't live the life I want to be living, I have lost important people in my life.
This truly is a daily battle. And whether I have people to support me or not, I will do my best to push thru each day... as I always have.
Go ahead and say what you will, talk about me behind my back, attack me to my face... but until you truly understand what goes on in my head- or anyone who suffers depression- you have no right to judge me.
My hope... for those who don't have a mental illness to try to learn more. My hope- if this disease ever does take my life- that those of you who have been one of those people mentioned above, will learn to understand how you can help someone else in the future rather than causing more damage.
My hope... that some day there will be a real treatment for this nightmare, and people won't have to live like this.

Lost

I've been a little lost lately, trying to find my purpose and what I should be doing. I am not saying I am not happy, I am just in a major transition... and finding it hard to get thru.
I left the city. I left with hopes and dreams of a better life and a better quality of life. I left behind a big part of who I have been for a long time. So now I have to create a new life, a new me. I need to find what it is that I really want in this next chapter. I want peace, I know this. I want my marriage to thrive- we have struggled from the beginning for a number of reasons, and this is our chance to refresh what we had, to get to know each other again. No distractions like we had in the city.
I walked away from the charity, and all the charitable things I did to help others- I really believe that weighed on me physically and emotionally, and I feel my time for those things has passed... and I am ok with that. I walked away from so many friends- not just leaving the city, but removing them from  my social media. A few of whom have come back into my life- who truly are meant to be here. I walked away from negativity... but have I come to a different kind of negativity?
I have found a place that I feel happy and content and where I can see my future- my permanent future. A place where my husband and I can grow old together.
Things never go a perfectly as planned, and we are experiencing that with the purchase of our home getting pushed back, and my husbands job having some minor issues. But I am hanging on, and doing what I need to do to make everything fall into place.
The idea of leaving the company I have represented for almost 4 years really threw me for a loop yesterday. But I cannot allow myself to believe that defined me. Yes, I am a Thriver, no, that is not all I am. But it still leaves a hole in who I was.
Maybe once we sign on this home, I will start to feel like I belong and fit in, and will find my niche in this community or at least in who I am.
I'm finding it hard to not have my daughter around, to not have her a major part of my life. But that was a choice I had to make.
I know in time I will find my way... but for now I feel lost.

Mixed Emotions

Today was filled with super excitement and happiness, followed by huge sadness and tears. I'm not even sure how I feel right now, other than this- I have again failed... I failed my husband and I failed my team.

This morning I got everything run thru and approved and set up to start as a consultant for Pampered Chef. I love their products, I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity with joining the company- and I jumped on it! I know I can do well with this business, not only make money but fill my own kitchen with the products I love at a super discounted price! Yay me! 
Then my husband came home from work early... sad, upset, lost. I started questioning our choice to move here. He left everything for me, he came here because it was what was best for me. And now he isn't happy. Yeah, guilt set in- I failed him.
Just when I am trying to bring myself out of that hole- a phone call... what the hell have I done? Apparently by becoming a consultant for this company, I am in violation of the rules of promoting for the company I've been with for over 3 years. I can't do both. I have to make a choice? I am risking losing even my right to buy the products that I love and have completely changed my life! How do I make a choice like that? I made a financial investment in this new company, and I feel strongly that the financial rewards will be better than what I have done with LeVel. I am a Thriver for life and I will always support the company and recommend the products- no matter what! But I am being forced to make a choice between the two, and I hate that. Had I understood that in the beginning- things would be very different today. I feel I have let a bunch of people down... unintentionally.
Yeah, I'm kind of a mess today. But I won't give up and I won't go back. I will move forward searching for the good, finding the best in this life for my husband and I. He is still promoting Thrive, and I will back him and help him find customers as much as I can!
For now, I believe I will be voluntarily stepping down from LeVel before they remove me. Hopefully I can find a way to maintain my customer status at least. I am sorry- to my upline, to the people who believed in me and supported me, to my team- even tho we had shrunk to a very small team, they were still my team.