understanding depression

People who have never truly lived with depression, really don't understand what goes thru my head most of the time. It isn't as simple as 'just breathe' or 'smile, you'll feel better.' I get told to just BE positive... really? My mind doesn't work the same way as other people.
People see me as feeling sorry for myself... no, far from it! I am blaming myself for everything that is wrong in the world. Seeking attention? no, the tears I hide are much more than what anyone ever sees, the thoughts I have- most never leave my own head. Tell me I am being dramatic- all I am doing is reaching out for help, trying to release some of the pain in my own head. But most people don't see any of that...
I cry and scream behind closed doors. I question my purpose, my journey, even my existence. But most people don't see that side- they see the mask I put on when I leave my house, the smile that comes thru on the occasions that I am actually enjoying life. But that is not the norm- and no one gets that.
When I try to close off and focus on me, trying to figure things out in my life and get back on a level ground for a while- I get attacked for shutting people out, not doing what I am 'expected' to do. Why do people expect anything of me? Because I have pretended for so long to be ok?
Depression SUCKS! And what makes it worse is when you feel attacked by those around you who claim they care, but they don't understand.
I read a really good article last night called "Invisible 280."  For every person who loses their life to suicide- there are 280 people who survive- whether it be surviving that attempt, or stopping just before that moment. I am one of them. The suicidal thoughts, and attempts- ran rampant in my head for a long time- daily. I started to get better, I thought I past all that. Moving to a small town and completely changing every aspect of my life has been much harder on me than I anticipated. The depression has come flooding back, thoughts of taking my own life- yes, thoughts of acting on it- not at this point. But right now I don't even have anyone to talk me down from there if I did get there.
Fake friends, judgmental friends, people telling me I'm making bad choices and doing the wrong things with my life... isn't this MY life? So many people have left me, walked away from supporting me and my choices in the past couple months. That doesn't help my depression. I mean, I always feel alone- no matter who is or isn't there to support me- the feeling of having an empty lonely life is a constant.
If I could take away this disease, I would in a heartbeat! People think I use depression to get the attention and as an excuse for various things... no, I hate it! I can't live the life I want to be living, I have lost important people in my life.
This truly is a daily battle. And whether I have people to support me or not, I will do my best to push thru each day... as I always have.
Go ahead and say what you will, talk about me behind my back, attack me to my face... but until you truly understand what goes on in my head- or anyone who suffers depression- you have no right to judge me.
My hope... for those who don't have a mental illness to try to learn more. My hope- if this disease ever does take my life- that those of you who have been one of those people mentioned above, will learn to understand how you can help someone else in the future rather than causing more damage.
My hope... that some day there will be a real treatment for this nightmare, and people won't have to live like this.

Lost

I've been a little lost lately, trying to find my purpose and what I should be doing. I am not saying I am not happy, I am just in a major transition... and finding it hard to get thru.
I left the city. I left with hopes and dreams of a better life and a better quality of life. I left behind a big part of who I have been for a long time. So now I have to create a new life, a new me. I need to find what it is that I really want in this next chapter. I want peace, I know this. I want my marriage to thrive- we have struggled from the beginning for a number of reasons, and this is our chance to refresh what we had, to get to know each other again. No distractions like we had in the city.
I walked away from the charity, and all the charitable things I did to help others- I really believe that weighed on me physically and emotionally, and I feel my time for those things has passed... and I am ok with that. I walked away from so many friends- not just leaving the city, but removing them from  my social media. A few of whom have come back into my life- who truly are meant to be here. I walked away from negativity... but have I come to a different kind of negativity?
I have found a place that I feel happy and content and where I can see my future- my permanent future. A place where my husband and I can grow old together.
Things never go a perfectly as planned, and we are experiencing that with the purchase of our home getting pushed back, and my husbands job having some minor issues. But I am hanging on, and doing what I need to do to make everything fall into place.
The idea of leaving the company I have represented for almost 4 years really threw me for a loop yesterday. But I cannot allow myself to believe that defined me. Yes, I am a Thriver, no, that is not all I am. But it still leaves a hole in who I was.
Maybe once we sign on this home, I will start to feel like I belong and fit in, and will find my niche in this community or at least in who I am.
I'm finding it hard to not have my daughter around, to not have her a major part of my life. But that was a choice I had to make.
I know in time I will find my way... but for now I feel lost.

Mixed Emotions

Today was filled with super excitement and happiness, followed by huge sadness and tears. I'm not even sure how I feel right now, other than this- I have again failed... I failed my husband and I failed my team.

This morning I got everything run thru and approved and set up to start as a consultant for Pampered Chef. I love their products, I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity with joining the company- and I jumped on it! I know I can do well with this business, not only make money but fill my own kitchen with the products I love at a super discounted price! Yay me! 
Then my husband came home from work early... sad, upset, lost. I started questioning our choice to move here. He left everything for me, he came here because it was what was best for me. And now he isn't happy. Yeah, guilt set in- I failed him.
Just when I am trying to bring myself out of that hole- a phone call... what the hell have I done? Apparently by becoming a consultant for this company, I am in violation of the rules of promoting for the company I've been with for over 3 years. I can't do both. I have to make a choice? I am risking losing even my right to buy the products that I love and have completely changed my life! How do I make a choice like that? I made a financial investment in this new company, and I feel strongly that the financial rewards will be better than what I have done with LeVel. I am a Thriver for life and I will always support the company and recommend the products- no matter what! But I am being forced to make a choice between the two, and I hate that. Had I understood that in the beginning- things would be very different today. I feel I have let a bunch of people down... unintentionally.
Yeah, I'm kind of a mess today. But I won't give up and I won't go back. I will move forward searching for the good, finding the best in this life for my husband and I. He is still promoting Thrive, and I will back him and help him find customers as much as I can!
For now, I believe I will be voluntarily stepping down from LeVel before they remove me. Hopefully I can find a way to maintain my customer status at least. I am sorry- to my upline, to the people who believed in me and supported me, to my team- even tho we had shrunk to a very small team, they were still my team.

Failure

Failure... this defines how I have been feeling the past week. My logical brain knows I am not a failure, but the rest of me just sees all the things I did wrong.
~ As a daughter... my parents raised me well, and what did I do in return? I treated them like crap! I have been nothing but a disappointment to them. I didn't turn out how they wanted- or expected. I shut them out of my life for a number of years- the reason doesn't matter, it was wrong.
~As an adopted daughter... mom passed away, I never said good-bye. I never went to see her before I moved away from the city... I rarely went to visit her at all. It was hard to see her in the shape she was in, it hurt my heart. So out of selfishness I stayed away. In reality it probably hurt her a lot more by me not visiting than it would have hurt me to see her once in a while.
~As a dog mom... a couple weeks ago I took in Bella. I believed we had the room in our home and heart for a third dog. What I didn't realize was the impact it would have on my other 2 dogs. At first I thought they would all adjust and get along after a few days, but it got worse- not better. I traumatized my girls, they were so sad- and I'm sure blamed me. I took a pup from a home she knew, brought her her and gave her love and a home... then sent her away again, to an unknown. I can't even imagine how she feeling right now.
~As a mom... I failed twice here, and it's probably the most important part of life to not fail. I'll start with child #2- I was put in a situation where I had to give her up. I haven't raised her, I am not her mom. If I could turn back time- I would have fought to keep her, but that's another story. child #1- raising her was a struggle, my own life was a mess and I wanted the best for her. I had her grandmother helping me raise her- honestly, she was with my daughter more than I was because I was always working or at school- but she doesn't remember those things, she remembers grandma being there, not mom. Then I married someone who hurt her- yeah big fail there!  And to top it off, I didn't want to believe it! And now, as an adult, she is not the child I raised. She has become someone I don't recognize, someone whose life is headed in a direction I did everything I could to make sure it wouldn't. I love my daughter more than life, but I failed her, I didn't give her whatever it was she needed to see her self worth, to be independent, and to build her future.
~I also, at times, feel as if I have failed as a wife... When we married almost 11 years ago I had a full time job and was moving up in my company. I was a contributing part of our household income. I was outgoing, always doing things. Then my health failed me and I lost my job- honestly the best job I had ever had. I tried to work, but my health got in the way. Then the medical issues took a toll every aspect of my life. I rarely went out, I didn't do things with my husband and our friends, I never left the house alone! I became somewhat of a burden- always needing to be taken to the doctor or even shopping, I was a financial burden because I lost my income and my husband had to pay for everything... including my medical expenses. There have been more days that I was unable to cook or clean, than there have been good days. It has been really hard to remember every day that I am still a good wife, and no matter what he will stand by me and support me in every way possible.
~As a friend... I used to be that friend who was always there, no matter what was going on in my own life- I would put that aside for everyone else. I finally hit a point in my life that I was self destructing by being that friend. I got walked on, taken advantage of, and neglected the most important thing- me. Then after a while I got to where I decided to just distance myself and remove myself from their lives. I was always there for them- but no one was ever there for me- so why was I considering them friends?
Needless to say it has been a very difficult couple months. I made some major changes to my life when we moved, complete transition. It has been a difficult but incredible transition. I am learning a lot about me and about what I do need to focus on in my life. This journey, this transition, isn't complete, it will takes months for me to truly accept and complete the changes that I need to be entirely happy and at peace with myself. But that- myself- is all that matters, and that is a huge step forward.
I often feel down on myself, feel as tho I am a failure. But as I said at the beginning- my logical brain knows I am not a failure.

Alone

Do you ever feel alone? Like really alone?
I am struggling emotionally right now, and all I want is someone to talk to, someone who knows me and understands me... and cares.
Everyone who ever fit those things has either removed themselves from my life or I have removed them. Toxic relationships are never good, they need to be cut. Those people can't help you. And those who act like they care when it's convenient for them, but otherwise have cut you out of their life- what kind of friend is that? Do they care? Most likely no. I don't want to talk to people who are fake, I don't want people around who pretend to care... I want those real friends.
Do I have people like that in my life? Of course I do! But that list is getting shorter every day. But we are all battling our own demons, trying to get thru this life. We don't always have the time for each other that we wish we had.
I struggle with this every single time I get a little down, when my depression starts to kick in. There was a time in my life when i had any number of friends to reach out to. And today I have very few.
This really isn't a bad thing, altho it seems like it- like I said- I feel alone. But looking at it differently, it really is a positive. Toxic, negative people have been eliminated from my circle. I have no room for liars, back-stabbers, angry and hateful people, self-centered, self destructive people or people who are out to destroy you, those who blame everyone else but never own their challenges... these are the type of people we all need to eliminate! For our own mental and emotional health.
It hurts. To not have those people to reach out to, to see people you truly care about turn their backs on you... or having to stand your ground and keep your back turned to them.
I hurt, my depression was fighting to come back and then mom passed away... I need someone who knows. But those people don't exist in my life anymore.
And I am ok with that.

Bella

Last week we decided we were ready to bring another fur baby into our life. Not just any dog, we wanted a rescue- to help a dog that isn't a puppy. As i looked over the classified I found the one.

This is Bella. She is 8 months old, a cattle dog mix- I'm thinking with lab. When we got her, we were told she was healthy and happy, mostly trained, a good dog. Sadly we were misinformed, but we are happy to say she is in a better home where she will be cared for properly.

Bella is thin, too thin. When we feed her, she acts as if she hasn't eaten in days- she just can't get enough. We feed her more than a dog her size would normally eat at this point, hopefully she will get to a healthy weight in no time. She was starved for attention, and still is. We are working on limitations while giving her all the love she needs. Our other 2 get a bit jealous when Bella gets a lot of attention, especially when they see she isn't being good. They know the rules, they know they have to be good. She is starting to follow their lead a bit, key words that they understand- she is beginning to recognize. My other 2 dogs are not as playful nor do they have the energy of the pup! And she wants to play with them, almost constantly... Sadie is more into playing, but Roxy pretty much wants nothing to do with Bella right now. A lot of getting used to each other will be taking place the next couple weeks! A lot of training going on!

We love her, and are happy to have her in our family. We are happy to have her away from the family who didn't want the responsibility.

Motorcycles

I have a bit of a rant today. Almost daily we hear about motorcycles going down, people being killed on bikes- or injured permanently. It breaks my heart, really! We love riding! It has been a huge part of our life together, and knowing that our lives are more at risk on the bike than in a car- is scary.
I have lost count of the deaths this year involving motorcycles, but in the past three days- 2 of our friends have been hospitalized and are in critical condition due to their passion for bikes. But completely different circumstances put them there.
What upsets me? More of the accidents this year, the fatalities this year- have been due to 'rider error', the nice way of saying they were being stupid. And that gives the rest of us a really bad reputation!
Watch out for motorcycles! Yeah, that's what we shove in everyone's face constantly during riding season... But if a motorcycle rider is not obeying the laws and is being wreckless- how can we fault a car or truck for being in an accident with them?
Friend #1- hit by a pick-up truck that didn't see him. No, he wasn't hidden- the driver just wasn't paying close enough attention or watching for bikes. He was life-flighted, has multiple broken bones and bleeding on the brain. I was told this morning that he is now awake... positive step in such a tragedy! But a long road to recovery.
Friend #2- this is going to upset some people. Riding down a canyon highway in busy traffic, pulling a small trailer. Decided he wanted to get home faster than the friends he was with and pulled out ahead. It is estimated that he was going about 100mph, witnesses say he was weaving in and out of traffic. He lost control and went down. He is lucky no other vehicles were involved- he could have been hit or run over by any number of vehicles, including a semi that he came close to sliding under. He has not been awake since they found him, multiple fractures, bleeding and swelling of the brain, oxygen tube- and heavily sedated (which I assume means medically induced coma).
I feel for each of these men, they are friends, we have ridden with both of them. Friend #1 is what most of us expect to hear when someone is in an accident on their bike. Friend #2... was just being an idiot. Sorry, but he was. Go ahead and be suicidal on your bike if that is what you want, but don't put others at risk, do that crap when you are out on the open road with no traffic.
Last week a couple died on their bike- going to fast for the turn they were making... they left behind 4 children.
Earlier this year I drove past an accident, all I saw was a mangled bike and a sheet over what was obviously a body. Later on the news it was said this young man was speeding and missed the turn.
These are the stories I keep hearing. It hurts to hear about dead bikers, but it hurts more to hear that it was their own fault.
I am not the safest passenger out there, I don't wear leathers, I almost never wear a helmet. I have friends who make these kind of choices as well. But most of these passenger friends trust their spouse with their life, the majority of my friends who ride obey the laws, ride smart and safe, and always think about the 'what if' at the next intersection.
Stop being stupid! Stop being an asshole on your bike! You have a family, you have friends, anyone who sees you go down has to live with that vision. Go ahead and make yourself a victim of yourself- but dont make others victim of your stupidity!
I trust very few people to ride with or allow any of my girls to ride with... and this is why!
Pretty soon people will start seeing motorcycles and riders as the casue of accidents, as a danger to the roads.... we have battled that stigma for a long time and finally got to a place where others respect us and watch for us... don't ruin that for those of us who respect the road and respect our bike.
Meanwhile I will keep both these friends in my thoughts- no one ever deserves this kind of thing to happen to them... no matter how stupid they act.

Thursday Thoughts

I am pretty much fed up with people right now. I don't need your judgement or your opinions, I don't need the disrespect or lies, I don't need you approval for anything.
I have lived one hell of a life, and I have worked hard to get where I am today. Where is that? I am confident, I am proud, I am living my life for me and my husband. I have a beautiful home in a place where I have longed to be. I have earned every bit of what I have- including my right to speak my mind and shut out people who bring negative energy into my world.
Why am I buying a home? Because I can! Why did I get a third dog? Because my heart and my home have the room for an animal that was not wanted. Why do I care about a menial amount of money you owe me? Because it is a responsibility. Why do I not work? What do I do with my money? None of these things are any of your concern! Really! Worry about yourselves!
Today I have just had enough of being attacked and lied to and ignored and treated like shit!
I had an amazing short conversation with a very special woman today, she reminded me that my past has made me an incredibly strong person. My story has helped people. Why should I feel intimidated or allow anyone to put me down for being me? I have survived domestic violence, I survived being a single mother, I have gotten thru losing some of my closest loved ones, I survived prison- for hell sake! All with a disability that I fight every day of my life.
No one truly knows my entire story, no one knows what goes on in my head. No one understands the mental and emotional battle I fight every single day. Yes, I occasionally say things I shouldn't, I do really well at biting my tongue most of the time- but once in a while I slip and say what is really on my mind. Do I regret it? Hell no! I am not here to impress anyone, I am not pretending to be someone I am not. I am me- and proud of it.
Go ahead and hate me, talk about me, think what you want. But look at yourself and ask if you are so perfect to be judging me and my life. All I want is peace, I love more than I should- it causes me more pain than I can deal with at times. I care about almost everyone's well being- which has gotten me in trouble more often than I like to admit! People take advantage of good hearted people like me, it has happened over and over and over... maybe somewhere in my head this was one of my reasons for escaping the city... go to where no one can use me.
I am not an idiot, i can see thru the lies and the hidden agendas, I can feel your emotions, I can see your soul. I have overcome a lot in this life, I have experienced more than most- more than I like to admit. 
If you want positive in your life- be positive, if you want positive from me- don't attack me, try understanding me. If you want respect- give respect, earn respect. If you want love, give love- openly, freely, honestly.
I believe it is tie for me to log off the social media world for a bit, and maybe even shut off my phone. I need to regroup, I need to meditate and get some grounding. Too much negativity and hurt lately, that needs to be cleared and forgiven... yes forgiven. That doesn't mean if you hurt me or fucked me over that it will be forgotten and put in the past, it means I will forgive you for what you do not understand, I will forgive your actions that caused me harm. It does not mean we are best friends again, it means I am clearing my soul and my mind of the harm you caused- you still have to live with what you choose to do to others.

Update on my world

Almost a month since I have had time to write, life has been extremely busy since we moved! We are only steps away from owning this home and I couldn't be more excited! Things are falling into place here, Troys job is going well, I've gotten a daily routine with the house and yard, we have definitely found our happy place.
We adopted a rescue dog yesterday, bringing our fur baby count to 3. She is a 7 month old cattle dog mix and we are thrilled to have her!
Last week I made a heartbreaking decision to cut ties with my daughter. She is my world, my entire life, but there comes a time when a parent has to step back and realize when they are not wanted. When an adult child lies and keeps secrets, it is time to walk away. I tried for a long time to stand by and bite my tongue as I watched the choices she makes slowly destroy her life, tried to give advice and help her to see where those choices were leading. But she is stubborn like me, she didn't want my advice or opinions, she is determined to prove the world wrong. And as she does that I see where she will end up, my life has been there. It breaks my heart to see how much she has changed, she has become a person no one recognizes anymore. She doesn't see the big picture- only her immediate desires. We all miss her so much, we only want to see her happy and taking care of herself- but all we see is false happiness, fighting for something that will never be... while the rest of her life crumbles around her without her even noticing. My heart and soul are in darkness over this all, and to avoid my own self destruction- I had to remove myself... until she can see what is happening to her, until she can stop lying to me, to her family, to herself. Until she truly wants me to be a part of her life. Last year I had 2 suicide attempts and constant thoughts of ending my own life... I felt as if I had failed as a mother, I felt that my daughter hated me and everyone else who truly cared for her, I was able to find a little bit of hope a few months ago and lifted up out of that darkness. But it was temporary. She is back to the the same actions and behaviors, but worse. My heart cannot take it, I refuse to allow her choices and her attitude to destroy me again. I need to be well, I need to have my positive light- and sadly that isn't possible with the person she currently is. I hate that I have to do this- she is my entire world, my reason for being! But she has broken me, broken my spirit, crushed my heart, and darkened my soul. I can only pray for her- to learn and understand... and move forward with my own life. I will always be here for her to return when she is ready to be honest with herself and with me. So much damage has been done, I have no idea how it can be fixed- and it may never be. but hopefully someday we can move forward from all this. I love her with everything that I am.
My husband and I are living the best life we can, a life we have worked hard for and deserve! No one is going to dull that for us! We found our happy place, we found our peace- in a small town, away from the big city life and stress. I am healthy here, doing my best to be emotionally and mentally healthy.
We have some incredible friends here, who have lifted us up! Very positive energy from them always, help when we need it, and just real people- can't ask for more than that!