17 days. We have dreaded this for the last ten years, and hoped it wouldn't come for another ten years... but the horrific day is approaching. 17 days from now, Tuesday April 14 the man whom we sent to prison will walk out of that prison. We all have a lot of emotions about this, but the closer it gets, the more those emotions are surfacing... not the common sense emotions, but the confused ones. I have so much anger not only toward this man, but toward the system for allowing him to be freed already! Frustration over not having my own personal closure on the part of this situation that I need to deal with. 99.9% of this is about my daughter, both of them really. But there is that tiny part that is about me. The marriage, the lies, the path that my life was forced down due to him, the mental and emotional trauma he caused me, as well as everything he did to my girls.
17 days until I will be tempted to face him, to hurt him! 17 days until my daughter will be looking over her shoulder, and wondering if she will see him at the mall or at the store or McDonald's! 17 days until the people who adopted my baby will live in fear. 17 days... my husband will be experiencing stress and anxiety and tension and emotions in this house, that he won't understand or be able to help with.
I can't change what is happening, I can't stop it. All I can do is support my daughter, and focus on maintaining a stable mindset thru this next chapter. I know in my heart that everything is going to be ok, of course we will her thru this! My daughter and I are strong women, we have been thru hell together and we will make it thru this!
My Love
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Which path do I take now?
So much has changed in the past month! I am now trying to figure out where I am meant to go with everything. It's only been a month, do I wait it out a bit longer and see how things play out? Maybe things will fall into place and decide for me what I should do. I am thinking I want to go back to work, part time maybe? Do I want to jump in to being a Thrive promoter full time? Should I keep things as they are? I have so much energy and so much of myself to give, I don't like tea of just staying home continuing as I have been. I was put in this position because my health prevented me from following any other road... but now I feel I have options, a choice. I am beyond excited to see what the future holds for me now. The thought of getting a part time job thrills me! I really want to shoot for that this year, I think. Of course my family is my priority, and always will be, but working a few hours a week would help my mental and emotional state, as well as bring a little more income into the home. I am blessed to have the family I do, so very supportive of whatever choices I make.
Maybe I will wait until summer gets closer, at least until May- after Brandon's Ride and all the craziness that is going along with that. That gives me a few weeks to at least get more stable with my health and wellness. I need to be sure this is going to last! I believe it will, but I guess a part of me is still a skeptic, especially with all the let down I have experienced over the years... nothing ever goes as we think it should or as we want.
I've also been evaluating friendships. Who is important to me and my life? I have enough people in my life that I think I should be a bit choosier and pay attention to those who are acting like such good friends, but are really back stabbers, the ones who swear they hate drama- but start rumors about themselves, the ones who really don't care about anyone but themselves. I have some amazing happy people in my life, people who no matter what, are always there, people I can have fun with and tell my secrets to, people who call me up just to say hey- lets go ride! Just to share the day, not to tell me about someone elses life and how they are judging it! Yeah, this has been sitting in my head for a few weeks, bubbling up a little more each day. And after such a wonderful weekend, I realize that is what I want my life to be!
happy and healthy, friends, that is what life is about! I am grateful for the friends who have brought so much into my life, and I am also grateful for the friends who have shown me what I really don't want in my life. I hope you can figure out which one you are. Most of you fit into the wonderful friend category... but a few of you- suck the life out of others!
So what path am I taking? The positive one!
Maybe I will wait until summer gets closer, at least until May- after Brandon's Ride and all the craziness that is going along with that. That gives me a few weeks to at least get more stable with my health and wellness. I need to be sure this is going to last! I believe it will, but I guess a part of me is still a skeptic, especially with all the let down I have experienced over the years... nothing ever goes as we think it should or as we want.
I've also been evaluating friendships. Who is important to me and my life? I have enough people in my life that I think I should be a bit choosier and pay attention to those who are acting like such good friends, but are really back stabbers, the ones who swear they hate drama- but start rumors about themselves, the ones who really don't care about anyone but themselves. I have some amazing happy people in my life, people who no matter what, are always there, people I can have fun with and tell my secrets to, people who call me up just to say hey- lets go ride! Just to share the day, not to tell me about someone elses life and how they are judging it! Yeah, this has been sitting in my head for a few weeks, bubbling up a little more each day. And after such a wonderful weekend, I realize that is what I want my life to be!
happy and healthy, friends, that is what life is about! I am grateful for the friends who have brought so much into my life, and I am also grateful for the friends who have shown me what I really don't want in my life. I hope you can figure out which one you are. Most of you fit into the wonderful friend category... but a few of you- suck the life out of others!
So what path am I taking? The positive one!
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Mind on Overdrive!
So much on my mind this weekend! We went on a wonderful ride to Evanston that was exactly the therapy I needed! I was perfect weather and perfect company. My sis and her husband, a couple friends from the club they ride with, and a friend from high school Troy and I haven't seen in over 25 years! We rode up, bought lottery tix and had lunch. perfect day! Perfect to blast my music and clear my head.
23 days and 12 hours, that... pedophile, will walk out of the prison. The closer it gets, the more my mind gets going. I have a lot of emotions and opinions and really just need to get some closure. I know my daughter, both of them, will be ok, and I know I will be ok. Just so much I feel he needs to answer for- to me, not a court.
So I have been on Thrive for a month, and feel fabulous! or, as I've been saying, THRIVEtastic! Month one was truly about my overall health. I needed to focus on my depression and anxiety. I needed to focus on my pain and my insomnia. Those are the things that were killing me. Now that I have those things pretty much under control or on the right path to being under control, I can focus on my weight. Month two will be all about my weight loss and getting a bit in shape. I got this, it's all about how I feel and how motivated I am. Thrive has made me feel amazing and has given me the motivation to do something, to change my life. It has given me the energy to be able to do this. So, do I set an actual goal for the month? or just see how it goes? I know what my final goal is, and I know that setting deadlines is totally unrealistic and setting yourself up for failure. I think I'll just push for the best I can!
We are setting up a nursery downstairs. This part of our lives is a bit... not even sure what it is! I am thrilled to be a 'soon to be, part time step grandmother'... or whatever I will be! I know the child wont be here much, especially the first few months, but I am beyond excited to have a baby around once in a while. The situation is hard, but I think my family is strong and we will have no trouble with it!
As always, life is crazy and I am in love with my life! I was handed 5000 fliers today for the ride, I am thrilled and honored to be heading this up!
Spring is here, not much different than our winter was, but it does mean I can start thinking about my garden and barbeques and summer!
Love and light to all!
Thrive on!
23 days and 12 hours, that... pedophile, will walk out of the prison. The closer it gets, the more my mind gets going. I have a lot of emotions and opinions and really just need to get some closure. I know my daughter, both of them, will be ok, and I know I will be ok. Just so much I feel he needs to answer for- to me, not a court.
So I have been on Thrive for a month, and feel fabulous! or, as I've been saying, THRIVEtastic! Month one was truly about my overall health. I needed to focus on my depression and anxiety. I needed to focus on my pain and my insomnia. Those are the things that were killing me. Now that I have those things pretty much under control or on the right path to being under control, I can focus on my weight. Month two will be all about my weight loss and getting a bit in shape. I got this, it's all about how I feel and how motivated I am. Thrive has made me feel amazing and has given me the motivation to do something, to change my life. It has given me the energy to be able to do this. So, do I set an actual goal for the month? or just see how it goes? I know what my final goal is, and I know that setting deadlines is totally unrealistic and setting yourself up for failure. I think I'll just push for the best I can!
We are setting up a nursery downstairs. This part of our lives is a bit... not even sure what it is! I am thrilled to be a 'soon to be, part time step grandmother'... or whatever I will be! I know the child wont be here much, especially the first few months, but I am beyond excited to have a baby around once in a while. The situation is hard, but I think my family is strong and we will have no trouble with it!
As always, life is crazy and I am in love with my life! I was handed 5000 fliers today for the ride, I am thrilled and honored to be heading this up!
Spring is here, not much different than our winter was, but it does mean I can start thinking about my garden and barbeques and summer!
Love and light to all!
Thrive on!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
My Thrive Experience
So I have rewritten this a half dozen times now... I realized I don't need all the little things! So here it is one more time.
So over the past 5 years my health, my mental and emotional state, my marriage even... has all been declining.Recent months tho... unbearable is truly the only word that can describe it. Chronic pain from fibromyalgia and arthritis, chronic fatigue, insomnia. Memory problems, weight gain, severe depression, and anxiety to a point I never thought could exist in me.All of this was wearing thin on my marriage, on my family, causing even more depression. I wasn't living, I was existing. I put on a smile so no one knew how bad it really was. I had days I didn't get out of bed~ sometimes because of the pain, sometimes because of the depression. I lost my desire to live, I had lost my purpose. I was surviving on coffee and mountain dew, and sweets. Nothing mattered anymore... I was in a very dark place, I was even allowing thoughts of drugs into my head, drugs I swore I'd never touch again years ago. I needed help.
They say everything happens for a reason, and I am a true believer of that, always have been. Not sure exactly why yet, but I know I was meant to get to this extreme low place... maybe so I could finally realize that I needed help.
And there it was, the help I had been praying for. A sweet gal I know was putting all this positive stuff on FB about how fabulous she felt... so after a lot of hesitation I finally reached out and asked. I honestly have never heard anyone so passionate about any product. I'm a big believer that you need to try something to be able to really understand it enough to recommend others try it, and wow, she didn't even need to try to sell it, I was sold just from hearing her passion and her story about how her life had changed.
Next day, I woke up, took 2 capsules, made my coffee, drank a shake and put a patch on... and proceeded with my day. Hours into this experience I was already feeling a difference in myself! I was doing things! I was motivated! By the end of three days~ I was off my cane and my chronic pain was all but gone. I wasn't napping in the day. And I could feel that smile inside me starting to peak thru that dark curtain.
Today has been 4 weeks. I still have some trouble falling asleep at night, but once I do, I sleep! I don't nap anymore, I have energy to do things, and I'm motivated to do those things! I drink soda maybe 2 or three times a week. I am pretty much out of pain. I even stopped taking my anxiety meds almost 2 weeks ago! AND have even left the house alone, gone for a couple walks by myself. Something I haven't done in over 5 years.
My husband and my daughter are noticing a huge difference in me, even my brother asked what is this product that gave me back my sister that I remember from so many years ago?
My life is no longer pain and darkness, it is bright sunshine and exercise! I have even lost a couple pounds! which I am hoping to work on this next month now that I have all this other stuff under control.
Thrive literally saved my life. I don't even have words to describe how thankful I am for Denise and Dexter and this product.
So over the past 5 years my health, my mental and emotional state, my marriage even... has all been declining.Recent months tho... unbearable is truly the only word that can describe it. Chronic pain from fibromyalgia and arthritis, chronic fatigue, insomnia. Memory problems, weight gain, severe depression, and anxiety to a point I never thought could exist in me.All of this was wearing thin on my marriage, on my family, causing even more depression. I wasn't living, I was existing. I put on a smile so no one knew how bad it really was. I had days I didn't get out of bed~ sometimes because of the pain, sometimes because of the depression. I lost my desire to live, I had lost my purpose. I was surviving on coffee and mountain dew, and sweets. Nothing mattered anymore... I was in a very dark place, I was even allowing thoughts of drugs into my head, drugs I swore I'd never touch again years ago. I needed help.
They say everything happens for a reason, and I am a true believer of that, always have been. Not sure exactly why yet, but I know I was meant to get to this extreme low place... maybe so I could finally realize that I needed help.
And there it was, the help I had been praying for. A sweet gal I know was putting all this positive stuff on FB about how fabulous she felt... so after a lot of hesitation I finally reached out and asked. I honestly have never heard anyone so passionate about any product. I'm a big believer that you need to try something to be able to really understand it enough to recommend others try it, and wow, she didn't even need to try to sell it, I was sold just from hearing her passion and her story about how her life had changed.
Next day, I woke up, took 2 capsules, made my coffee, drank a shake and put a patch on... and proceeded with my day. Hours into this experience I was already feeling a difference in myself! I was doing things! I was motivated! By the end of three days~ I was off my cane and my chronic pain was all but gone. I wasn't napping in the day. And I could feel that smile inside me starting to peak thru that dark curtain.
Today has been 4 weeks. I still have some trouble falling asleep at night, but once I do, I sleep! I don't nap anymore, I have energy to do things, and I'm motivated to do those things! I drink soda maybe 2 or three times a week. I am pretty much out of pain. I even stopped taking my anxiety meds almost 2 weeks ago! AND have even left the house alone, gone for a couple walks by myself. Something I haven't done in over 5 years.
My husband and my daughter are noticing a huge difference in me, even my brother asked what is this product that gave me back my sister that I remember from so many years ago?
My life is no longer pain and darkness, it is bright sunshine and exercise! I have even lost a couple pounds! which I am hoping to work on this next month now that I have all this other stuff under control.
Thrive literally saved my life. I don't even have words to describe how thankful I am for Denise and Dexter and this product.
If you are interested in changing your life, give it a try! go to
redmccann.le-vel.com
for all the information!
Monday, March 16, 2015
Big Things
Big things are happening! Friday we, ok, my husband really, paid off the bike! That is such an amazing feeling! no vehicle payments for awhile! The Harley is finally all his!
This beauty is finally his! This has been his dream for over 30 years! I think I was more excited than he was to get that last payment made. Most expensive purchase he (or I) have ever made. So to celebrate we went to dinner on the bike. Perfect weather for it, until the sun went down... a bit cool coming home, and yes, I got sick.
But I'm getting over it a lot faster than I usually do! Thrive? Probably has something to do with it!
The next big thing... a crib! Yes, we bought a crib and have the start of a nursery downstairs! I don't like to admit it, but I am beyond excited to play gramma! No, my daughter is not having a baby~ and no! Either am I! But current relationships and situations will bring a baby into the house on a regular basis soon! I can't say much, out of respect for the people involved. But I am thrilled and truly hope it all works out the way everyone wants it to!
And course, my big thing~ Thrive! I cannot explain how incredible it is to have people call me and say what in the world has happened to bring back the Red I remember from years ago? It is like a rebirth! I fresh start on my life. I plan to be doing my "Thrive Experience" story as a post here either later tonight or tomorrow. All I can say is this has been the best investment I have ever made. I hate spending money, especially on myself, but this was truly a smart choice for me.
But I'm getting over it a lot faster than I usually do! Thrive? Probably has something to do with it!
The next big thing... a crib! Yes, we bought a crib and have the start of a nursery downstairs! I don't like to admit it, but I am beyond excited to play gramma! No, my daughter is not having a baby~ and no! Either am I! But current relationships and situations will bring a baby into the house on a regular basis soon! I can't say much, out of respect for the people involved. But I am thrilled and truly hope it all works out the way everyone wants it to!
And course, my big thing~ Thrive! I cannot explain how incredible it is to have people call me and say what in the world has happened to bring back the Red I remember from years ago? It is like a rebirth! I fresh start on my life. I plan to be doing my "Thrive Experience" story as a post here either later tonight or tomorrow. All I can say is this has been the best investment I have ever made. I hate spending money, especially on myself, but this was truly a smart choice for me.
I have everything rolling for Brandon's Ride, with much help from Steve! So much more to do than I ever realized, but I am doing the best I can and things are coming along great! I am so excited for it to all come together and to see what I actually have accomplished!
So life is good, life is amazing. live life to its fullest, you have no idea what you are capable of until you try!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
What am I
Someone asked me today what it is that i did for a living before becoming disabled. And my answer always comes out as my lat job- a store director with a major convenience store. But that answer made no sense in the conversion we were having! I guess i should tell people I was an accountant. My degree is in accounting and business, my longest job was as a tax accountant.
But it got me thinking. If I had to list every field I have worked in, I'd have a pretty crazy looking resume! Fast food, retail, construction and maintenance, house keeping to escorting. Online sales, management, business owner, nurses assistant and teacher, landscaper, bar tender and nanny. Even the things I'm not proud to say I've done- drug dealer and drug runner, porn producer. Wow! I can seriously say I've done a little of everything! I've done so much more than even i could list. And of course if I were to include life experiences in to my ball of knowledge. .. I could probably have a book for a resume!
It bothers me that people see me as a home maker and assume that's what my life has been. I graduated college with a 3.9 and I was tutoring high school seniors in math when i was in 8 th grade. I study and research because i love to learn new things. I get that from my dad... He has like 6 degrees just because he loves to expand his knowledge. People argue with me thinking I'm uneducated white trash. I won't argue unless i have facts to back me up. I don't like being treated as if I'm dumb, because I'm not. I don't like being treated like I wouldn't understand- because chances are I do!
I've been abused, I've been in prison. I've been shot at and kidnapped. I've been divorced, I'm a mother. I've had to give a child up for adoption and i had to have an abortion. I have a chronic illness and a biological family that is so beyond messed up. I've had my issues with drugs, and bad relationships. I've lived on the streets and I've owned my own home.
I really am just like you, different experiences but still like you all the same. Our lives have had ups and downs, we do what we think is best. We've all had more than one job, one relationship. What makes you better than me? Nothing! But I'd it makes you feel better to believe you are- then so be it, i feel sorry for people line that. I don't need to be better than anyone to be happy, i create my happiness. Seeing those i care about being happy and healthy is what makes me feel good.
Line the blog title says- no regrets! I have lived this life and had these experiences for a reason!
Love and light to you all!
Monday, March 9, 2015
Animals
There are also 2 mini schnauzers that I care for quite often. They know when I walk in the door, they will be spoiled for the next few days!
I should turn this into a business! I enjoy my time away from home just spent relaxing with other dogs, but I sure get to a point of missing my own pets. And my family! I would love to one day have a big enough piece of property to let friends drop their pets off at my place when they need them watched. I'd have it sectioned off so the hyper dogs don't freak out the little dogs. My husband would go insane, I'm sure!
This has been a wonderful few days and I am really looking forward to the next time! I know there are more travel plans in the future, I hope they call on me again!
I have had birds, snakes, lizards, dogs and cats, fish... really any animal is welcome in my home!
My life is so complete, so wonderful right now. I am on such a high and feeling like nothing can bring me down. So excuse the random posts and ramblings.
Life is too short not to live and enjoy! Believe in happiness, and you will have it!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
I Believe in...
Is it fate? Is it destiny? Or is it just what was meant to be all along? Whatever it is, I believe it happened this way for a reason!
Lets go back a few years... I met a family who had just that week lost their son and brother to the war, he was KIA. I had not yet heard of PGR, I had never met any other families, aside from Mom and Steve, who had experienced this tragedy. It hit me hard, I could not imagine the pain they were feeling, but I felt some of that pain when I hugged them, looked in the eyes of this girl who has just lost her brother. Right then something told me that would not be my last dealing with this girl.
After joining PGR, I got to know the parents quite well, such an amazing family, so positive and full of light, but I could see the struggle they live with. Their daughter was occasionally around, but not as much as I would have hoped, I really felt something was telling me to connect with her.
The following summer is when I decided to get my Brandon tattoo. The two words that meant the most to me, that had gotten me thru the most difficult times of my life, BELIEVE and FREEDOM. Believe IN freedom. This is my life motto.
So fast forward to about a year ago. This girl had grown to be a beautiful and happy young lady, madly in love with her husband... and was now battling something even bigger than what she had already been thru. Her husband had a rare cancer, and they honestly didn't know one day to the next how things would turn out. I so wanted to reach out to her, but family and close friends is what she needed. I prayed for them, I lit candles for him all the time, and I followed their story online. and thru even the worst of days, she had a light in her soul, a positive attitude, at least on the outside. I couldn't understand how she was able to hold together, but I was envious!
Within a couple weeks of her sweet husband passing away, she started sharing photos of herself with a patch on her arm, talking about how amazing she felt. I was so happy for her, and curious! I made some comments, but never really followed up with her. She had found a product that has helped her in so many ways! So after a month of hesitation I finally picked up the phone.
She introduced me to Thrive, and to her brother in law, who introduced this amazing product to her. Team Believe is what he calls himself, his group, us!
Believe in a better life, in a healthier life, believe in happiness and freedom... freedom to be who and what you want with no restrictions due to health concerns. If you don't believe, nothing will ever happen for you!
I believe that I was brought into this young ladys life for a reason! And I am so blessed to be here!
Lets go back a few years... I met a family who had just that week lost their son and brother to the war, he was KIA. I had not yet heard of PGR, I had never met any other families, aside from Mom and Steve, who had experienced this tragedy. It hit me hard, I could not imagine the pain they were feeling, but I felt some of that pain when I hugged them, looked in the eyes of this girl who has just lost her brother. Right then something told me that would not be my last dealing with this girl.
After joining PGR, I got to know the parents quite well, such an amazing family, so positive and full of light, but I could see the struggle they live with. Their daughter was occasionally around, but not as much as I would have hoped, I really felt something was telling me to connect with her.
The following summer is when I decided to get my Brandon tattoo. The two words that meant the most to me, that had gotten me thru the most difficult times of my life, BELIEVE and FREEDOM. Believe IN freedom. This is my life motto.
So fast forward to about a year ago. This girl had grown to be a beautiful and happy young lady, madly in love with her husband... and was now battling something even bigger than what she had already been thru. Her husband had a rare cancer, and they honestly didn't know one day to the next how things would turn out. I so wanted to reach out to her, but family and close friends is what she needed. I prayed for them, I lit candles for him all the time, and I followed their story online. and thru even the worst of days, she had a light in her soul, a positive attitude, at least on the outside. I couldn't understand how she was able to hold together, but I was envious!
Within a couple weeks of her sweet husband passing away, she started sharing photos of herself with a patch on her arm, talking about how amazing she felt. I was so happy for her, and curious! I made some comments, but never really followed up with her. She had found a product that has helped her in so many ways! So after a month of hesitation I finally picked up the phone.
She introduced me to Thrive, and to her brother in law, who introduced this amazing product to her. Team Believe is what he calls himself, his group, us!
Believe in a better life, in a healthier life, believe in happiness and freedom... freedom to be who and what you want with no restrictions due to health concerns. If you don't believe, nothing will ever happen for you!
I believe that I was brought into this young ladys life for a reason! And I am so blessed to be here!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Emotions
I am emotionally overwhelmed right now! But dealing quite well, really!
Today is my youngest daughters 11th birthday. I gave her up to be adopted just before she turned 2, and I haven't seen her, other than in photos, since. This is always an emotional day for me! I love that little girl, and I know she is in an amazing family and surrounded by so much love. I just want to be able to see her soon.
My huge emotional factor right now, is my first husband. For years he has been the one big trigger of my anxiety, the one thing I have feared facing. A few months ago I decided I needed to find him, and talk to him. I need to face this fear and get past it. I didn't expect that to happen at the grocery store! I saw him, it didn't click at first... then I heard his voice. OMG! What do I do? My heart was racing, I was going into panic mode. Why? This is what I have wanted! I took a couple deep breaths, walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder... Troy wasn't too far away, in case I needed his support. The man I was madly in love with for all my teen years, the man who took my virginity and married me... did not recognize me! What? Yeah, I had to remind him- your first wife? We actually had a nice little chat, he seemed a bit blown away to see me married to Troy- they were friends back in the day. We talked like old friends, nothing that I needed closure on was brought up. I met his wife, his youngest child, we had just a nice talk. Once we walked away I fell apart! OMG, I just talked to and hugged the man who has caused the most pain in my life for so very long! And I am ok! Then it started processing in my head. He is not the man he dreamed of being, he isn't even the man I expected him to be at this point. Now, 2 days later, even more is processing. The math, the reaction to things I said, things he said! He cheated on his current wife with me! How dare he! And his reaction to my past in porn? Who the hell is he to judge me for that? Does he think he had nothing to do with that? Would I have taken that path at all if not for the lifestyle he took me down? UGH! I am angry and hurt and just.... too emotional for words at this point! And then there is that tiny spot in my heart. Yeah, we all have that reserved space for our first true love, right? His eyes and his voice, and all that from 30 years ago... is still the same. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, I am so very happy and in love with Troy... but I don't know that it is possible to ever get those feelings out of my heart- no matter how much physical and emotional harm he did to me. It was pretty awesome to look at his wife and think- damn... I look pretty good right about now!
I think it will take me a couple days, maybe even running into him again and talking more, to be able to get some of that closure I want. Maybe I should have made arrangements to get together for coffee. I seriously have more issues now than I did! And I know I can face him. He is a different man than he was 30 years ago.
I have other things going on in my head that I am struggling with, but ya know... they will all work themselves out! I know this, I just have to remind myself once in a while!
I can't change the past, I don't want to change the future. I just want peace and happiness in my life!
If you have fears and anxieties... face them! Don't let them eat at you for years and years! Face it, get closure, and move on! It is the healthiest way to live!
Today is my youngest daughters 11th birthday. I gave her up to be adopted just before she turned 2, and I haven't seen her, other than in photos, since. This is always an emotional day for me! I love that little girl, and I know she is in an amazing family and surrounded by so much love. I just want to be able to see her soon.
My huge emotional factor right now, is my first husband. For years he has been the one big trigger of my anxiety, the one thing I have feared facing. A few months ago I decided I needed to find him, and talk to him. I need to face this fear and get past it. I didn't expect that to happen at the grocery store! I saw him, it didn't click at first... then I heard his voice. OMG! What do I do? My heart was racing, I was going into panic mode. Why? This is what I have wanted! I took a couple deep breaths, walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder... Troy wasn't too far away, in case I needed his support. The man I was madly in love with for all my teen years, the man who took my virginity and married me... did not recognize me! What? Yeah, I had to remind him- your first wife? We actually had a nice little chat, he seemed a bit blown away to see me married to Troy- they were friends back in the day. We talked like old friends, nothing that I needed closure on was brought up. I met his wife, his youngest child, we had just a nice talk. Once we walked away I fell apart! OMG, I just talked to and hugged the man who has caused the most pain in my life for so very long! And I am ok! Then it started processing in my head. He is not the man he dreamed of being, he isn't even the man I expected him to be at this point. Now, 2 days later, even more is processing. The math, the reaction to things I said, things he said! He cheated on his current wife with me! How dare he! And his reaction to my past in porn? Who the hell is he to judge me for that? Does he think he had nothing to do with that? Would I have taken that path at all if not for the lifestyle he took me down? UGH! I am angry and hurt and just.... too emotional for words at this point! And then there is that tiny spot in my heart. Yeah, we all have that reserved space for our first true love, right? His eyes and his voice, and all that from 30 years ago... is still the same. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, I am so very happy and in love with Troy... but I don't know that it is possible to ever get those feelings out of my heart- no matter how much physical and emotional harm he did to me. It was pretty awesome to look at his wife and think- damn... I look pretty good right about now!
I think it will take me a couple days, maybe even running into him again and talking more, to be able to get some of that closure I want. Maybe I should have made arrangements to get together for coffee. I seriously have more issues now than I did! And I know I can face him. He is a different man than he was 30 years ago.
I have other things going on in my head that I am struggling with, but ya know... they will all work themselves out! I know this, I just have to remind myself once in a while!
I can't change the past, I don't want to change the future. I just want peace and happiness in my life!
If you have fears and anxieties... face them! Don't let them eat at you for years and years! Face it, get closure, and move on! It is the healthiest way to live!
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