Dont Let Me Get Me ... a theme song

This song has been one of my favorites since the very first time I heard it. It says exactly how my life was when I was a teen... total rebel! No, I was not a team player- quite the loner, really, other than my tight circle of friends who I would have killed for, and many times did get in fights for! Yes, my parents hated me. Yes, I even dated a teacher. Never did anything right!



I was told I could do amazing things with my life... if I did this or that, if I changed who I was and who I wanted to be! I have some amazing memories of those years, I never wanted to change then, and I am glad I never did change!
Be who you are, do what makes you happy! Don't change to be someone you aren't, don't change to please other people... life is too short to live it for others!

Mirror Lake

Every year we go on some amazing rides, build wonderful memories, and meet great new friends. Mirror Lake is one of my favorite rides! I've missed it for a couple years because of my health, but this year I went! And it was amazing! We had more people with us than ever before on this ride... 27 bikes! A lot of friends and some new friends were made.

It was a very long ride, 10 hours from start to getting home with all the stops we made... My body reminded me that altho I am much healthier and more able to do things, I am still not 25 again! There were quite a few aches yesterday, but I survived it! And felt like new today!

I saw a beautiful GTO!

 

                   We had a great lunch in Evanston!

 

 

 Our group started fairly small... but by the time we hit Kamas it doubled!

That's just the men!

 

This is what we do, this is who I am, this... is what I love about my life!

 

 

 

 

 

These are the things that make me grateful for having my health and quality of life back!

Forgotten Blessings

As I sit in the waiting room at the outpatient surgery center, awaiting my daughter to be done with having her gall bladder removed... I am thinking of all the amazing people and blessings in our life. This process, getting to today, has been stressful to say the least! Seeing my daughter in pain, frustration, hunger, missing work etc off and on for 2 years... having doctors tell us there is nothing wrong... then the battle of the finances... but we are here and everything is going to be ok!
Every once in a while I need someone to talk to, not just one of my good friends who I normally count on, not my husband... someone who isn't in the loop- who can look at situations from the outside and not be one to take sides or give advice based on the emotions they feel toward one side or the other... I found that last night in someone I have never reached out to, but I know and love dearly.
When things were rough for my daughter, having to miss work randomly, or leave early because of pain or weakness or doctor appointments- her employer has been so super understanding and supportive, unlike any company ever! I'm sure most employers would have let her go long before this point! And to top it all off, they went above and beyond any expectations I could have of any employer... they helped us come up with the funds to cover the copayment for today! I was in complete tears when I received an email confirming money was on its way. Such an incredible blessing!
As most of you who follow me know, the hawk is my guardian. Some call it a totem, some call it a spirit animal, for me it is Brandon... keeping me safe and telling me everything is going to be ok! I have had him appear to me 4 times in the last couple days, yesterday was the most significant. We were just leaving IHOP after brunch with my mother in law, I was super stressed over the money issues for today. As we pulled out of the parking lot I saw him circling above us... this put me at complete ease- it was all going to work out! A short time later is when I was on the phone with the VP of my daughters company being asked questions that were needed to push this thru for them to donate to her surgery. Then last night, we were driving home from a friends house, racing the weather, I was getting upset and nervous over some issues I have been silently dealing with that are a part of all this... there he was again... flew ten feet in front of our car, a foot off the ground- into the field next to us (I assume he was catching his dinner!) When I got home is when I had that amazing chat with the wonderful woman who had always said she was there for me... and she helped clear my mind and figure out, logically, how to handle it.
My daughter has been quite nervous about this procedure, any surgery- understandably any surgery would be! She has so much support, and so many people checking on her and talking to her and praying for her! We have a packed waiting room- 5 of us here with her... Grandma made the hour+ drive to be here, always there for Kayla no matter what! Her boyfriend and bestie are both here, of course. And Troy is off work and able to be here for her- he loves her so much, and I love him even more for that.
My best friend who loves my daughter like his own is always contacting me, and her, to check up... and will be the first visitor she has when she gets home today... just like the last surgery.
We are so very blessed to be where we are today, honestly, if it wasn't for everyone in our lives, today would not have happened. So thank you to all our friends, acquaintances, employers, family, and just everyone.
I realize this all might seem silly, but I have had some incredible experiences and ... awakening moments lately, and feel I need to acknowledge and share these blessings!

Days Like These

Days like today make me so glad I Thrive! Days like today would have destroyed me 6 months ago.
I was up early and got things done so I could go out to an event at 9 am... not with my husband, with a friend! Stood in the heat for a couple hours, and came home by 1pm. This alone would have been the end of my day back then... IF I could have gotten out of bed in time, IF I could have left home with someone other than Troy, IF my legs were feeling well enough.
I came home and was still able to do a few things, went to dinner. Still felt good. Was really cranky, but not a total beast like I'm sure I would have been before. Then the ordeal that has been unravelling the past couple hours... yes, I'm a mess right now! But I'm maintaining. Six months ago I would have completely fallen apart, and not been able to handle the episodes of tonight!
This past week has been really rough emotionally for me, a lot of things I am just not wanting to face. But all I have to do is look at the positives in my life, and it helps me have a reason to hang on. I have so much of my health back! I am to a place that I can do things without fear of failing due to my health. I can, and will make it... whether I make it in my current situation or I make it by making other changes unrelated to my health.
I can't dream of a better life, I have to believe in a better life! And if I am the only person believing then maybe I am the only one who will experience that better life. I want it and I deserve it... and no matter what it takes, I will have it.
As I sit here worried sick about the kids, and wondering what is going on in my husbands head... I am also racing things thru my head about how I will achieve my dreams.
I dream of true happiness. I dream of being debt free. I dream of being financially independent. What do you dream of? Do you believe in those dreams? Or just dream? What do you do to work toward those things?
In keeping my sanity, especially on days like this, I have goals... daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals. And a sort of to-do list that is a part of those goals.

Funny how this post came out... not at all what I had intended to write, but probably a better option!

Yesterdays post has been removed out of respect for someone I care about very much. The heartache and stress of the backlash she is receiving because of my words, just isn't worth it! Just let me say the pain and word cannot be taken back, the damage has been done.
In the future, I would appreciate anyone who has issues with MY words and MY opinions, to please take that up with me personally, not attacking someone else.

Regret

I don't really have any regrets, every choice I've made, everything I have done, or not done, has made me the person I am today- put me right where I am. And yes, I am happy where I am in my life for the most part.
But we all have those times that we think back to that one time in our lives, that what if moment, asking ourselves if it was the right choice, if it was worth it... where would I be if...?
I was at a place in life a few years back that I had to make a major decision- it came down to what was best for me, my daughter (both of them), and my future. I know I made the 'right' choice, if there is a right or wrong- which I honestly don't believe there is! I gave up a large part of who I was, things that truly defined me- I sacrificed who I was to become who I knew I needed to be, not realizing the impact that would have on my future, on my emotions, my self worth, and my purpose. These feeling hit me every few months, something comes up in conversation, or I see someone from that part of my life... and I remember what I was like and what my life was like, and I have to wonder... "if I had taken the path that went forward instead of taking the exit I did, where would I be?"
It isn't regret, it is curiosity. I love my life today! The past few month have given me new purpose and a new definition of my life almost. When someone asks "who is Red?" People answer with things I am proud of~ she's Troys wife, she's that biker girl who supports the fallen, she is my Thrive rep! I love these as the things that define me!
Maybe one day I can incorporate these things that I am now so passionate about, with the things I was once passionate about but chose to walk away from... Yes, I miss parts of the old me, things I thought I could simply walk away from but have remained in my heart.
You can change your future, but you cannot change the past, your past does not define who you are today, but you can never completely put your past behind you, especially if you were passionate about those things.
This week has been tough in this aspect for me, obviously- or I wouldn't be blogging it, right? Looking at vacation spots for Troy and I when we are rich, seeing someone "I used to know" while out with my hunny, end of June... the time of year the former me looked forward to.
Don't ever regret your choices, look back and believe you made the decision you did because it was what was meant to be.

Anxiety... it is real

I grew up being taught that if you couldn't see an illness, it didn't exist. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders... those are all just people making excuses! So as I got older, that was, for the most part, my mind set... but I slowly began to see the truth.
Then, I realized- I had been living some of these "excuses" but hiding them from my family, because they said it wasn't real.
Years went by, I went thru various levels of depression, but always managed it, often in denial that I suffered from it- again, because I was always told it wasn't real. Various degrees of anxiety as well, but never understood what that feeling I was experiencing was! Why did I start having trouble breathing, freeze up, become unable to talk, have fear when it didn't make sense to have that feeling? It took me years to realize that was anxiety, panic attacks. Eventually my anxiety got to a debilitating point. I couldn't drive without anxiety, I couldn't go anywhere alone, not even for a walk. Then it got so bad that I stopped doing the things I loved, the things that made me happy. I was put on medication, it helped a little, but I was still a wreck!
After a few years, the last two were the absolute worst, I started the Thrive experience, and, to make a long story of that short, I was able to cut my anxiety meds out of my medication schedule. I feel great! Panic attacks have, for the most part, stopped! I started going for walks by myself, I am back to doing the things I love, the things that make me happy!
I still have the occasional panic attack... and people tell me it's no big deal, get over it, everything is fine. Really? I wish it worked like that!
When I do have these attacks, most of the time it is caused by something I see or hear... something "real." Like when I saw my ex-husband at the grocery store, or when I hear a song that triggers a memory.
Then out of nowhere on Sunday I have the worst anxiety attack I can remember. No explanation I can come up with! I was having an amazing morning with friends and motorcycles. As we left the starting point, I was ok, then going up the canyon I started to get an uneasy feeling. What was going on? Why was this happening? We turned... I went into full panic mode- crying, hyperventilating, shaking but frozen. It wouldn't stop. I could catch my breath for a couple minutes, then fall apart again... Then it all made sense.
In my head I knew where we were going, but I wasn't thinking about the destination, I was thinking about the ride, the friends, the scenery! My subconscious did this to me, I literally had zero control of this incident.
Once I had it figured out, and got beyond the really hard moments- with the support of a couple friends, I was angry! Angry with myself. How stupid is that to allow some stupid miserable idea take control of me like that? But I realized finally, how real anxiety truly is, and that no matter what I put in my head to feel better about a situation- my mind works alone!
Anxiety is more real to me today than it ever has been before. I recognize the how and the why, I see- and feel- the what. For those of you who suffer this, or any other unseen condition... don't let anyone tell you it isn't real. Explain to those who care about you how they can help you and be supportive. If I had been told when I was young, when I first experienced some of these thing- what it was, and that I could get help... my life would have turned out so much different, I do believe that.
Parents, don't ignore your kids cries for help, teach them it is ok to feel and fear.
Anxiety is real.