Fear

Many years ago I became friends with a wonderful woman. She was the mother of a guy I too shy to date. We became very close, I would visit her quite often, for a number of years. I met her when I was 15... she was still a part of my life when my oldest was in elementary school 15 years later. This woman had some health trouble, diabetes, legally blind, and I don't recall what else was going on- but there was more. We faded apart as life got in the way. A couple year ago, thanx to social media, she contacted me. her life has changed so much, it hurts to see. Granted she is obviously not a young woman anymore, but she has been thru breast cancer and lost both breasts- but is a survivor! She has lost both legs- I assume due to issues related to the diabetes but I haven't dared ask. She has asked a number of times for me to call and come visit... she doesn't live very far from me, I should! I just learned last week that her partner- her wife of almost 50 years, has been placed on hospice care. My heart breaks for her. I want to call and talk, I need to go see her! The first thing that went thru my head when I learned about her partner was "who is taking care of Bon?" I had no idea Bev was not in good condition! how does Bon do anything without that help? She can't walk, she can't see!
So I sit here convincing myself I have to go visit them. But I'm scared, that's what is stopping me. I don't want to see either of them like that, I don't want to remember either of them like this. I don't want to see the possible conditions she is living in, or the condition of her physically. It really does scare me. But I am forcing myself to face it. Face my fears- that's what I do, right? It might take a couple more days, but I will do this. I love that woman, she was a huge support and a great friend for a long time in my life. I owe it to her, and to myself. I had a talk with my bestie about it, and she agrees it is fear, of the reality I may come face to face with. And I need to just be strong and overcome that... for Bon.
I pulled away from the best friend I ever had because I was afraid of the reality of her leaving me when she had cancer. I didn't want to see her in that condition... and look what happened- every day I have regrets that I wasn't there more toward the end.

Lost friend #1

I am going to be sharing some feelings about lost friends in my next few posts, lost for a variety of reasons. Some people come into our lives for a season- they all come into our lives for a reason! But some come onto our lives and we know- we feel deep down that they are meant to be with us forever. And if for some reason that person leaves our life- we feel lost, incomplete, and a world of other emotions. So here I am with one of those people...

Remember that friend who promised to always be there, to never judge, the one who loved you for you no matter what you have done wrong in life or what your beliefs are? Yea that guy. The friend who has been there for so many ups and downs, seen you at your worst and at your best. The one you looked up to for advice and acceptance and approval... And promised he would never abandon you for any reason.
Yeah, I miss him. He truly was my best friend.
But something happened... he lied. He got upset over something I felt I had no need to apologize for. He judged my choice to have an opinion... and he left me. My heart hurts, at first I was angry- he had no right to be like that! But then after a week of not hearing from him I realized this hurt. It's been years since I've gone a week not hearing from him! Then it was a month... I was still angry, but more hurt. I got a 3 word text the morning of my surgery... if it mattered, he would have been there- or come see me after. I was still angry, and even more hurt. Then my birthday- the big birthday. Then Christmas- he knows how I hate the holidays and struggle thru them... nothing. I shouldn't be so bothered, I mean- friends come and go. But this was more than a friend, he was like a soulmate kind of friend- I could tell him anything, ask him anything, he got me! And I loved him... and still do. I feel incomplete without him, if that makes sense. No, he isn't someone I think of as a love interest- I have my husband and I am very happy. But this man has been a big part of my life for a long time, longer than I have been married! Something is missing from my life, and it is him. I miss you.

Weight loss goals

Support. it is truly one of the keys to success in reaching any goal. I have put on quite a bit (in my opinion) of weight the past few years and continue to fail at my attempts to lose it.
I was always that skinny chick. 105 lbs up until my late 30's other than when I was pregnant... both babies I was able to drop the weight right back down in just a few months. Then one day I realized I was 186 pounds! I lost about 40 of it, but each time I tried to lose any more, I gained! my weight right now is about 160... 166 at Christmas.
I recently found a group of people online all with the same goal- to get healthier and lose weight. Most have bigger goals than I do, but we are all there for the same reason. We support each other and motivate each other. We lift each other up, push one another to hit daily and weekly goals. And it's working! I see these girls making it to the gym a few times a week, and hitting big goals like that... I have small goals- I should be able to reach them! And I am. These girls- and a few guys, have helped me to drink more water, stop drinking soda (at least for a few days so far), I'm watching my calories and pushing to hit goals on my daily steps... and most days now I am hitting those too! 
I am seeing results! I have already lost a few pounds! If I can continue with the support I have, then I can continue with the improved habits.
I could not have done this without their support!
Any goal, any challenge, you must have support from someone! Your family is a great source- but they don't always understand your goals. Friends, family, anyone who believes in you and wants to see you succeed and feel better about yourself. Tell them what your goals are- so not only are you holding yourself accountable, but they can also see what you want and be there to hold you accountable.
Find a support system! Succeed in all you desire!
That's my thoughts for tonight. Blessings to you all.

my year

9 seizures in 2 days! What the hell is that about? I have been doing soo good! I guess the lack of sleep and all the other stuff finally caught up with me. I'm feeling a lot better today, but not 100%.
I started back on my THRIVE today, I can feel it already doing what it is meant to be doing! A couple more days and I know I will be back to the ME that I was a year ago! I really don't know why I cut Thrive out of my budget in the first place- this has to remain a priority! My quality of life is much more valuable than other things- especially if I can't enjoy other things if I don't feel well!
This is a big step in my goals for this year- in the past it helped me physically more than I can explain, it helped me mentally and emotionally as well! and with all that together- I can focus on the weight loss goals! Yes, I am excited about what this little change in my life will do for me!
I am really getting excited and finding so much positive energy about my life and my future! I have a support group for weight loss, I'm back on Thrive, I am planning our vow renewal... this is my year to shine!

Today I went to see the doctor. I am not a fan of doctors, I put stuff off unless I have to see one. But I acknowledge the fact that I am 50 and need to make sure I stay healthy. I am ready to fight for my health and my life. So we talked about the problems, talked about a couple solutions. Got some new meds, and ordered some tests. So I guess from here I get the tests done and wait for results and go from there with the rest of the problems. I really am happy with the doctor I chose, he is really nice and easy to talk to. He was actually impressed with my criteria in finding him and knowing what I wanted in a doctor and actually researching!
So bring on the tests and probably the next year of figuring out what really is wrong with me and solutions to the problems! Like I said- this is my year to shine and I will! I will get thru all of this on top!

keepin on

Almost half way into January... I am meeting my step goals, I am back to work more, I am maintaining a positive attitude! Things are going great! I feel good. a six hour shift by myself kinda wore me down today, but it felt so good to be able to do it! Been a long time since I have felt like I was worth anything at work... been a long time since I have felt like am worth anything at all!
Today I cane home and everyone was cleaning, the house looks so nice! I can't even express to my family how much that really did mean to me today. It might seem like no big deal or like I am not appreciative- but it's a huge deal and it means more than they know. 
Sometimes I feel like this amazing group of people I brought into my home, my life, and my family- don't realize how important they are to me, how much they have helped me and changed me, how much I really love each of them and appreciate them.
I know this is not the perfect living arrangement for everyone, I know it gets hard at times for each of us- to have all these people here, and to live with people who were strangers until the day you became roommates. Adjusting to other lifestyles and rules and eating habits and everything else. But ultimately it works for us. we have what we need, and for that I am grateful. 
I really have found a new light, a positive side of my life again. I am happy for that, and I am happy for the future.

missing you

I missed therapy today, so I have all this crap bottled up that I was going to spill today but didn't. 
Have you ever missed someone so bad that you just can't function normal? This isn't part of my depression, this is a totally different feeling that I think is coming out more now that I am getting better control on the depression. Along with the fact that I am accepting my true feelings about what happened and words left unsaid.
2 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer. She was a fighter! she made it thru breast cancer... but it came back as bone cancer. Between the cancer and the treatment, she had multiple surgeries. She was hospitalized a number of times, each time seemed to be longer than the previous. I should have gone to see her more, I should have spent more time with her... but I didn't. Why? Because I was scared. I didn't want to see her like that, I didn't want to acknowledge what could be the ultimate outcome, I was scared that if I walked out of the hospital, I'd never see her again... so if I never enter the hospital to see her, then she has to go home! It didn't work that way.
I got a call one day that she had been taken to the hospital with pneumonia  and they would keep me updated, but please no visitors for now. I knew it was worse than what I was told. why no visitors? I was scared. I waited, I worried, I checked in... no real updates for a while... but she wasn't even calling or texting! Then I was told she was on life support! wait what? she went from having pneumonia to being on life support in like 2 weeks? I was so scared! why was this happening? It wasn't fair! Her daughter just told her she's going to be a grandma! There are people who love you and need you!
Then one night I was meeting with some friends who work with PTSD suicide research, and I got a text...
We as a family have made the decision to remove the life support. We will update you. Thanx for the love and support.
I ran outside screaming and crying, collapsed to the ground. I was lost.
A couple friends walked up from the parking lot and sat with me until I could speak, they helped me up and inside and bought me a shot... we drank a shot to Chelle.
I was a zombie for days. I truly had no idea how her daughter was dealing with any of this. A much stronger young lady than me!
I was a wreck at the funeral, and after I did my best to shove it all to the back of my mind so I could go on. I buried my feelings, hid my tears, denied my loss. What had I lost? two teens lost their mom, a man lost his wife, a woman lost her sister and another her own daughter! really, what did I lose compared to that?...
The truth is I lost the love of my life, my soulmate. Chelle was more than my best friend. We had a bond like no other. Yes, we were both married and loved our husbands. but we also loved each other. She meant as much to me as she did anyone else! But I felt I had to hide that! I couldn't express that love and loss like her family did. I miss her every single day, I cry so often, i have regrets- I should have been there, I should have said and done a lot more than I did. But for the most part we kept our feelings secret from the world- even from each other a lot of the time! I didn't tell her enough what she meant to me... she knew, right? No... never allow yourself to have a missed opportunity to let someone know what they mean to you, how much you love them.
I believe my michelle comes to visit me as a spirit, her sassy attitude and energy are often in my home. I smile and then I cry. I just want to hear your voice, I just want to hold you one more time. I just want you to know how much I love you.

Day 4

Wow! I made a decision in December that I was going to make 2018 a year for me, to focus on myself- my relationships- my health... taking care of me. And I am feeling amazing about it all so far!
Yeah yeah, it's only 4 days into the year... but I have started back to therapy and have an appointment set up that I have been putting off for close to a year! I'm thinking positive thoughts, ignoring negativity and things out of my control... I am BEING happy! I am allowing the little things to go and just enjoying me.
When I say focus on myself that doesn't mean shut everyone out- I just need to take care of myself.
When I say relationships it doesn't just mean with my husband... all of my relationships! Yes, my marriage needs some attention and I am dedicated to doing what it takes to make this marriage the best ever. But also my relationship with my parents, and my daughter, and hopefully my other daughter. My friends who I have become distanced from, and my family in my home.
My mental health as well as my physical health have suffered drastically this past year. And I WILL change that. I am the only person who controls that. Seeing doctors and staying on top of the issues, be honest with not only the doctors- but my family as well. Doing what i need to do to bring back my happy, will help get my mental health under control, which will bring back the rest of my happy.
So far each day I have focused on doing something- anything, that is a step toward these goals. And each day I have gone to bed with a good feeling in my heart and mind!
so here's to 2018, here's to 361 more fabulous days!