Working out

Five months ago I was ready to give up on life. I was miserable with every aspect of my being. I was hurting physically, mentally, emotionally. I had days I didn't get out of bed- whether it was due to depression or pain. I knew that if something didn't change soon, my life would end- I just didn't care anymore.
Then I heard about Thrive. I decided it was worth a shot... What did I have to lose?
Within days I was feeling better physically, and that gave me to strength I needed to get on top of my mental and emotional well being a little bit. I started thinking more positive thoughts, I became more active, I was smiling more... but I still wasn't completely happy with myself and my life.
I watched as so many other 'Thrivers' were losing weight and feeling better about their self image. And here I sit still looking and feeling completely out of shape and over weight.
So just a little background... my entire life I have been thin, and happy with that. Doctors say I was underweight, but I felt I was where I wanted to be. I never worried about working out or dieting, my body just maintained the size it was. Pregnancies would end and within weeks I returned to my normal size. When I was in prison I put on more weight than I ever could have imagined! But within a couple months of my release, I was back to my normal self! Then my health crash happened. The stroke. And all that followed in that domino effect, caused me to put on pounds and inches. This was horrifying to me! I tried to diet- pfft! I couldn't work out, my physical health wouldn't allow that. A couple months ago I was trying to find something to wear... none of my pants or shorts fit... I broke down. I had to go buy a size I had never in my life even thought about! total devastation. According to all the charts I am at a normal 'healthy' weight. But in my mind and in my eyes... all I see is a body I hate. No, I don't have an eating disorder, I just feel happier when I am thin. I feel more attractive when I am thin. I was once a nude model- today I cant even look at myself in the mirror without getting tears in my eyes!
So this week, after reading posts and seeing pics of friends who are doing amazing and getting fantastic results working out and living this Thrive life that I love... I made the decision to start working out. But how? Like I said, I have never had to work out, I haven't got a clue where to even begin! I hear names of exercises and haven't got a clue what they are! So I enlisted a trainer. Saturday I start working with a trainer, just at home, not going to a gym or anything. She is going to work my butt off- literally! She is going to teach me and train me and help me. Help me lose the inches and get back to a size that I am happy with, and to get fit!
I need to be happy with my body before I can be happy with my entire self. I need to be happy with what I see in the mirror before I can accept anyone else being happy with what they see.
So the first chapter of my life change is closing and the next chapter beginning... I am excited and a little nervous about what is to come, but just like 5 months ago- I need change to be happy, and what have I got to lose?
Like I mentioned in my post yesterday... this girl is making some major life changes, and this is one that will affect a number of things for me.
Updates will come on my progress... right now I am 5 ft 8, I weight 155, and I wear a size 10. I smoke almost a pack a day, and I get very little physical activity. My goals? 115 pounds, be back in a size 5, and quit smoking. I realize if I am going to get fit, I won't lose the weight, but I will lose the inches... so I guess I'm ok with 125 lbs... as long as the size drops!
I know the Thrive is what is making this goal possible... 5 months ago there is no way I could have worked out! I was on a cane, I had zero energy or motivation, I hurt all the time... and of course, I just didn't care.
So here's to new beginnings! And change!
And thank you to my friends who support me in all that I set out to do!