Depression is really difficult... yes, I suffer depression. The past few months have been up than down, but those down days still happen, and still suck! For the longest time I thought it was just something inside of me that I couldn't control, that couldn't be controlled. But lately when I have these down days I stop and think, I focus on why I am down... and what can be done to change it. Well, I'm figuring some things out on this journey to better mental and emotional health...
The worst thing to experience is being depressed- when you have every reason in the world (almost) to be happy, figuring out what the problem is- what is really causing you to be having all this emotional crap, and realizing there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to change it with no results... everything stays the same. Meaning the depression will always be there... until you pick yourself up and go about making those changes in a totally different manner. Yes, that's where I am. I have figured out what needs to be done to make these changes, but it is far from a simple process, unfortunately it cannot happen over night. So here I sit, about to break into tears for what seems to everyone around me- no reason at all. And this will continue until I have what I need to make this change.
Depression sucks. Not having people who support you or understand sucks. feeling alone sucks. One day I will find peace, and I know the depression will all but disappear! I refuse to live in a constant state of rollercoaster emotions, random tears, being misunderstood by those who care.
That is all for now, just needed to get that out.
My Love
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Working out
Five months ago I was ready to give up on life. I was miserable with every aspect of my being. I was hurting physically, mentally, emotionally. I had days I didn't get out of bed- whether it was due to depression or pain. I knew that if something didn't change soon, my life would end- I just didn't care anymore.
Then I heard about Thrive. I decided it was worth a shot... What did I have to lose?
Within days I was feeling better physically, and that gave me to strength I needed to get on top of my mental and emotional well being a little bit. I started thinking more positive thoughts, I became more active, I was smiling more... but I still wasn't completely happy with myself and my life.
I watched as so many other 'Thrivers' were losing weight and feeling better about their self image. And here I sit still looking and feeling completely out of shape and over weight.
So just a little background... my entire life I have been thin, and happy with that. Doctors say I was underweight, but I felt I was where I wanted to be. I never worried about working out or dieting, my body just maintained the size it was. Pregnancies would end and within weeks I returned to my normal size. When I was in prison I put on more weight than I ever could have imagined! But within a couple months of my release, I was back to my normal self! Then my health crash happened. The stroke. And all that followed in that domino effect, caused me to put on pounds and inches. This was horrifying to me! I tried to diet- pfft! I couldn't work out, my physical health wouldn't allow that. A couple months ago I was trying to find something to wear... none of my pants or shorts fit... I broke down. I had to go buy a size I had never in my life even thought about! total devastation. According to all the charts I am at a normal 'healthy' weight. But in my mind and in my eyes... all I see is a body I hate. No, I don't have an eating disorder, I just feel happier when I am thin. I feel more attractive when I am thin. I was once a nude model- today I cant even look at myself in the mirror without getting tears in my eyes!
So this week, after reading posts and seeing pics of friends who are doing amazing and getting fantastic results working out and living this Thrive life that I love... I made the decision to start working out. But how? Like I said, I have never had to work out, I haven't got a clue where to even begin! I hear names of exercises and haven't got a clue what they are! So I enlisted a trainer. Saturday I start working with a trainer, just at home, not going to a gym or anything. She is going to work my butt off- literally! She is going to teach me and train me and help me. Help me lose the inches and get back to a size that I am happy with, and to get fit!
I need to be happy with my body before I can be happy with my entire self. I need to be happy with what I see in the mirror before I can accept anyone else being happy with what they see.
So the first chapter of my life change is closing and the next chapter beginning... I am excited and a little nervous about what is to come, but just like 5 months ago- I need change to be happy, and what have I got to lose?
Like I mentioned in my post yesterday... this girl is making some major life changes, and this is one that will affect a number of things for me.
Updates will come on my progress... right now I am 5 ft 8, I weight 155, and I wear a size 10. I smoke almost a pack a day, and I get very little physical activity. My goals? 115 pounds, be back in a size 5, and quit smoking. I realize if I am going to get fit, I won't lose the weight, but I will lose the inches... so I guess I'm ok with 125 lbs... as long as the size drops!
I know the Thrive is what is making this goal possible... 5 months ago there is no way I could have worked out! I was on a cane, I had zero energy or motivation, I hurt all the time... and of course, I just didn't care.
So here's to new beginnings! And change!
And thank you to my friends who support me in all that I set out to do!
Then I heard about Thrive. I decided it was worth a shot... What did I have to lose?
Within days I was feeling better physically, and that gave me to strength I needed to get on top of my mental and emotional well being a little bit. I started thinking more positive thoughts, I became more active, I was smiling more... but I still wasn't completely happy with myself and my life.
I watched as so many other 'Thrivers' were losing weight and feeling better about their self image. And here I sit still looking and feeling completely out of shape and over weight.
So just a little background... my entire life I have been thin, and happy with that. Doctors say I was underweight, but I felt I was where I wanted to be. I never worried about working out or dieting, my body just maintained the size it was. Pregnancies would end and within weeks I returned to my normal size. When I was in prison I put on more weight than I ever could have imagined! But within a couple months of my release, I was back to my normal self! Then my health crash happened. The stroke. And all that followed in that domino effect, caused me to put on pounds and inches. This was horrifying to me! I tried to diet- pfft! I couldn't work out, my physical health wouldn't allow that. A couple months ago I was trying to find something to wear... none of my pants or shorts fit... I broke down. I had to go buy a size I had never in my life even thought about! total devastation. According to all the charts I am at a normal 'healthy' weight. But in my mind and in my eyes... all I see is a body I hate. No, I don't have an eating disorder, I just feel happier when I am thin. I feel more attractive when I am thin. I was once a nude model- today I cant even look at myself in the mirror without getting tears in my eyes!
So this week, after reading posts and seeing pics of friends who are doing amazing and getting fantastic results working out and living this Thrive life that I love... I made the decision to start working out. But how? Like I said, I have never had to work out, I haven't got a clue where to even begin! I hear names of exercises and haven't got a clue what they are! So I enlisted a trainer. Saturday I start working with a trainer, just at home, not going to a gym or anything. She is going to work my butt off- literally! She is going to teach me and train me and help me. Help me lose the inches and get back to a size that I am happy with, and to get fit!
I need to be happy with my body before I can be happy with my entire self. I need to be happy with what I see in the mirror before I can accept anyone else being happy with what they see.
So the first chapter of my life change is closing and the next chapter beginning... I am excited and a little nervous about what is to come, but just like 5 months ago- I need change to be happy, and what have I got to lose?
Like I mentioned in my post yesterday... this girl is making some major life changes, and this is one that will affect a number of things for me.
Updates will come on my progress... right now I am 5 ft 8, I weight 155, and I wear a size 10. I smoke almost a pack a day, and I get very little physical activity. My goals? 115 pounds, be back in a size 5, and quit smoking. I realize if I am going to get fit, I won't lose the weight, but I will lose the inches... so I guess I'm ok with 125 lbs... as long as the size drops!
I know the Thrive is what is making this goal possible... 5 months ago there is no way I could have worked out! I was on a cane, I had zero energy or motivation, I hurt all the time... and of course, I just didn't care.
So here's to new beginnings! And change!
And thank you to my friends who support me in all that I set out to do!
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
169939... and other stuff
35 days from now... I will begin the process... the process of never again having to acknowledge the number 169939. The biggest part of my past that has caused me to not do things I want to do in this life... will be gone. Not forgotten, that number and that time of my life had a huge affect on the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. But things like getting a job in the field my degree is in, owning a hand gun, and not caring who wants to do a background check on me! August 25 will mark 7 years since the day I was released from parole. 7 years is the mandatory period of time a person must wait before beginning the process of expungement.
Over the years I have debated doing this. What's the point? It is not something I am ashamed of, I am quite open about the fact I was in prison. I don't know that I will ever go back to work in accounting, so much has changed since I did work in that field- I would be lost! And honestly don't know that I will ever return to work due to my health problems. There is a bit of expense in doing this. But for me, it is worth it. Just some degree of added freedom.
Will it change anything? No, just because there is no paper trail saying I am a felon, it doesn't make the memories go away, it doesn't change the facts of the past.
I have a lot of goals that I have been putting together lately, finally getting my head organized and figuring out what I want and need in my life to help me on the path to being who I want to be.
Yes, this lady is on a dangerous path, I don't know how many people will truly stick by me in my journey to happiness. But it is my life and my happiness that I am trying to salvage. My attitude and my personality are changing, I'm done allowing people to use me or hurt me, my heart is getting cold and the walls are being build up. I don't have time for fake people, users, haters, manipulators, or people who just don't seem to care... if you care about me, prove it. I'm tired of people saying they are there for me, telling me they love me... I'm tired of opening my heart, my home, and my wallet to help people I care about and then getting shit on!
I have always been a very caring and supportive person, and I always just accepted the fact that sometimes people take advantage of that. Why accept that? I went to prison, for hell sake, for opening my heart and trusting someone! And I still do it! Makes me the stupid one, right? Yeah.
So time to start the next chapter of my life... I'm taking control back. I'm living my life for me. Yes, I will still be the caring, supportive friend... that's just who I am, but it's time to be more cautious about who and how I help.
Ok, so this started out with the intent of being a short post about my excitement that I will soon be filing to get my criminal record expunged, and that I will no longer be classified as a felon... and I went off the topic a bit, sorry for that. I do have a lot going on in my head and heart that I am trying to organize and deal with.
More details on that later... For now I will just say that I am on the road to bettering myself, improving my life.
Over the years I have debated doing this. What's the point? It is not something I am ashamed of, I am quite open about the fact I was in prison. I don't know that I will ever go back to work in accounting, so much has changed since I did work in that field- I would be lost! And honestly don't know that I will ever return to work due to my health problems. There is a bit of expense in doing this. But for me, it is worth it. Just some degree of added freedom.
Will it change anything? No, just because there is no paper trail saying I am a felon, it doesn't make the memories go away, it doesn't change the facts of the past.
I have a lot of goals that I have been putting together lately, finally getting my head organized and figuring out what I want and need in my life to help me on the path to being who I want to be.
Yes, this lady is on a dangerous path, I don't know how many people will truly stick by me in my journey to happiness. But it is my life and my happiness that I am trying to salvage. My attitude and my personality are changing, I'm done allowing people to use me or hurt me, my heart is getting cold and the walls are being build up. I don't have time for fake people, users, haters, manipulators, or people who just don't seem to care... if you care about me, prove it. I'm tired of people saying they are there for me, telling me they love me... I'm tired of opening my heart, my home, and my wallet to help people I care about and then getting shit on!
I have always been a very caring and supportive person, and I always just accepted the fact that sometimes people take advantage of that. Why accept that? I went to prison, for hell sake, for opening my heart and trusting someone! And I still do it! Makes me the stupid one, right? Yeah.
So time to start the next chapter of my life... I'm taking control back. I'm living my life for me. Yes, I will still be the caring, supportive friend... that's just who I am, but it's time to be more cautious about who and how I help.
Ok, so this started out with the intent of being a short post about my excitement that I will soon be filing to get my criminal record expunged, and that I will no longer be classified as a felon... and I went off the topic a bit, sorry for that. I do have a lot going on in my head and heart that I am trying to organize and deal with.
More details on that later... For now I will just say that I am on the road to bettering myself, improving my life.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Dont Let Me Get Me ... a theme song
This song has been one of my favorites since the very first time I heard it. It says exactly how my life was when I was a teen... total rebel! No, I was not a team player- quite the loner, really, other than my tight circle of friends who I would have killed for, and many times did get in fights for! Yes, my parents hated me. Yes, I even dated a teacher. Never did anything right!
I was told I could do amazing things with my life... if I did this or that, if I changed who I was and who I wanted to be! I have some amazing memories of those years, I never wanted to change then, and I am glad I never did change!
Be who you are, do what makes you happy! Don't change to be someone you aren't, don't change to please other people... life is too short to live it for others!
I was told I could do amazing things with my life... if I did this or that, if I changed who I was and who I wanted to be! I have some amazing memories of those years, I never wanted to change then, and I am glad I never did change!
Be who you are, do what makes you happy! Don't change to be someone you aren't, don't change to please other people... life is too short to live it for others!
Monday, July 13, 2015
Mirror Lake
Every year we go on some amazing rides, build wonderful memories, and meet great new friends. Mirror Lake is one of my favorite rides! I've missed it for a couple years because of my health, but this year I went! And it was amazing! We had more people with us than ever before on this ride... 27 bikes! A lot of friends and some new friends were made.
It was a very long ride, 10 hours from start to getting home with all the stops we made... My body reminded me that altho I am much healthier and more able to do things, I am still not 25 again! There were quite a few aches yesterday, but I survived it! And felt like new today!
Our group started fairly small... but by the time we hit Kamas it doubled!
I saw a beautiful GTO!
We had a great lunch in Evanston!
That's just the men!
This is what we do, this is who I am, this... is what I love about my life!
These are the things that make me grateful for having my health and quality of life back!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Forgotten Blessings
As I sit in the waiting room at the outpatient surgery center, awaiting my daughter to be done with having her gall bladder removed... I am thinking of all the amazing people and blessings in our life. This process, getting to today, has been stressful to say the least! Seeing my daughter in pain, frustration, hunger, missing work etc off and on for 2 years... having doctors tell us there is nothing wrong... then the battle of the finances... but we are here and everything is going to be ok!
Every once in a while I need someone to talk to, not just one of my good friends who I normally count on, not my husband... someone who isn't in the loop- who can look at situations from the outside and not be one to take sides or give advice based on the emotions they feel toward one side or the other... I found that last night in someone I have never reached out to, but I know and love dearly.
When things were rough for my daughter, having to miss work randomly, or leave early because of pain or weakness or doctor appointments- her employer has been so super understanding and supportive, unlike any company ever! I'm sure most employers would have let her go long before this point! And to top it all off, they went above and beyond any expectations I could have of any employer... they helped us come up with the funds to cover the copayment for today! I was in complete tears when I received an email confirming money was on its way. Such an incredible blessing!
As most of you who follow me know, the hawk is my guardian. Some call it a totem, some call it a spirit animal, for me it is Brandon... keeping me safe and telling me everything is going to be ok! I have had him appear to me 4 times in the last couple days, yesterday was the most significant. We were just leaving IHOP after brunch with my mother in law, I was super stressed over the money issues for today. As we pulled out of the parking lot I saw him circling above us... this put me at complete ease- it was all going to work out! A short time later is when I was on the phone with the VP of my daughters company being asked questions that were needed to push this thru for them to donate to her surgery. Then last night, we were driving home from a friends house, racing the weather, I was getting upset and nervous over some issues I have been silently dealing with that are a part of all this... there he was again... flew ten feet in front of our car, a foot off the ground- into the field next to us (I assume he was catching his dinner!) When I got home is when I had that amazing chat with the wonderful woman who had always said she was there for me... and she helped clear my mind and figure out, logically, how to handle it.
My daughter has been quite nervous about this procedure, any surgery- understandably any surgery would be! She has so much support, and so many people checking on her and talking to her and praying for her! We have a packed waiting room- 5 of us here with her... Grandma made the hour+ drive to be here, always there for Kayla no matter what! Her boyfriend and bestie are both here, of course. And Troy is off work and able to be here for her- he loves her so much, and I love him even more for that.
My best friend who loves my daughter like his own is always contacting me, and her, to check up... and will be the first visitor she has when she gets home today... just like the last surgery.
We are so very blessed to be where we are today, honestly, if it wasn't for everyone in our lives, today would not have happened. So thank you to all our friends, acquaintances, employers, family, and just everyone.
I realize this all might seem silly, but I have had some incredible experiences and ... awakening moments lately, and feel I need to acknowledge and share these blessings!
Every once in a while I need someone to talk to, not just one of my good friends who I normally count on, not my husband... someone who isn't in the loop- who can look at situations from the outside and not be one to take sides or give advice based on the emotions they feel toward one side or the other... I found that last night in someone I have never reached out to, but I know and love dearly.
When things were rough for my daughter, having to miss work randomly, or leave early because of pain or weakness or doctor appointments- her employer has been so super understanding and supportive, unlike any company ever! I'm sure most employers would have let her go long before this point! And to top it all off, they went above and beyond any expectations I could have of any employer... they helped us come up with the funds to cover the copayment for today! I was in complete tears when I received an email confirming money was on its way. Such an incredible blessing!
As most of you who follow me know, the hawk is my guardian. Some call it a totem, some call it a spirit animal, for me it is Brandon... keeping me safe and telling me everything is going to be ok! I have had him appear to me 4 times in the last couple days, yesterday was the most significant. We were just leaving IHOP after brunch with my mother in law, I was super stressed over the money issues for today. As we pulled out of the parking lot I saw him circling above us... this put me at complete ease- it was all going to work out! A short time later is when I was on the phone with the VP of my daughters company being asked questions that were needed to push this thru for them to donate to her surgery. Then last night, we were driving home from a friends house, racing the weather, I was getting upset and nervous over some issues I have been silently dealing with that are a part of all this... there he was again... flew ten feet in front of our car, a foot off the ground- into the field next to us (I assume he was catching his dinner!) When I got home is when I had that amazing chat with the wonderful woman who had always said she was there for me... and she helped clear my mind and figure out, logically, how to handle it.
My daughter has been quite nervous about this procedure, any surgery- understandably any surgery would be! She has so much support, and so many people checking on her and talking to her and praying for her! We have a packed waiting room- 5 of us here with her... Grandma made the hour+ drive to be here, always there for Kayla no matter what! Her boyfriend and bestie are both here, of course. And Troy is off work and able to be here for her- he loves her so much, and I love him even more for that.
My best friend who loves my daughter like his own is always contacting me, and her, to check up... and will be the first visitor she has when she gets home today... just like the last surgery.
We are so very blessed to be where we are today, honestly, if it wasn't for everyone in our lives, today would not have happened. So thank you to all our friends, acquaintances, employers, family, and just everyone.
I realize this all might seem silly, but I have had some incredible experiences and ... awakening moments lately, and feel I need to acknowledge and share these blessings!
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Days Like These
Days like today make me so glad I Thrive! Days like today would have destroyed me 6 months ago.
I was up early and got things done so I could go out to an event at 9 am... not with my husband, with a friend! Stood in the heat for a couple hours, and came home by 1pm. This alone would have been the end of my day back then... IF I could have gotten out of bed in time, IF I could have left home with someone other than Troy, IF my legs were feeling well enough.
I came home and was still able to do a few things, went to dinner. Still felt good. Was really cranky, but not a total beast like I'm sure I would have been before. Then the ordeal that has been unravelling the past couple hours... yes, I'm a mess right now! But I'm maintaining. Six months ago I would have completely fallen apart, and not been able to handle the episodes of tonight!
This past week has been really rough emotionally for me, a lot of things I am just not wanting to face. But all I have to do is look at the positives in my life, and it helps me have a reason to hang on. I have so much of my health back! I am to a place that I can do things without fear of failing due to my health. I can, and will make it... whether I make it in my current situation or I make it by making other changes unrelated to my health.
I can't dream of a better life, I have to believe in a better life! And if I am the only person believing then maybe I am the only one who will experience that better life. I want it and I deserve it... and no matter what it takes, I will have it.
As I sit here worried sick about the kids, and wondering what is going on in my husbands head... I am also racing things thru my head about how I will achieve my dreams.
I dream of true happiness. I dream of being debt free. I dream of being financially independent. What do you dream of? Do you believe in those dreams? Or just dream? What do you do to work toward those things?
In keeping my sanity, especially on days like this, I have goals... daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals. And a sort of to-do list that is a part of those goals.
Funny how this post came out... not at all what I had intended to write, but probably a better option!
I was up early and got things done so I could go out to an event at 9 am... not with my husband, with a friend! Stood in the heat for a couple hours, and came home by 1pm. This alone would have been the end of my day back then... IF I could have gotten out of bed in time, IF I could have left home with someone other than Troy, IF my legs were feeling well enough.
I came home and was still able to do a few things, went to dinner. Still felt good. Was really cranky, but not a total beast like I'm sure I would have been before. Then the ordeal that has been unravelling the past couple hours... yes, I'm a mess right now! But I'm maintaining. Six months ago I would have completely fallen apart, and not been able to handle the episodes of tonight!
This past week has been really rough emotionally for me, a lot of things I am just not wanting to face. But all I have to do is look at the positives in my life, and it helps me have a reason to hang on. I have so much of my health back! I am to a place that I can do things without fear of failing due to my health. I can, and will make it... whether I make it in my current situation or I make it by making other changes unrelated to my health.
I can't dream of a better life, I have to believe in a better life! And if I am the only person believing then maybe I am the only one who will experience that better life. I want it and I deserve it... and no matter what it takes, I will have it.
As I sit here worried sick about the kids, and wondering what is going on in my husbands head... I am also racing things thru my head about how I will achieve my dreams.
I dream of true happiness. I dream of being debt free. I dream of being financially independent. What do you dream of? Do you believe in those dreams? Or just dream? What do you do to work toward those things?
In keeping my sanity, especially on days like this, I have goals... daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals. And a sort of to-do list that is a part of those goals.
Funny how this post came out... not at all what I had intended to write, but probably a better option!
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