DECEMBER IS HERE!!!

I Think I made some progress this year! I got thru the holiday with a lot of tears and no alcohol, but I really think progress has been made, and some attitude changes are taking place! I am hopeful for next year.

So December will be here in a couple hours, what a crazy month! I love it and hate it at the same time, but altho I can't make this month all my family deserves, I will do my best! I already have some holiday spirit seeping into my heart. A week from now I will be celebrating my daughter's 23rd birthday! I still see my sweet little girl, but I also see an amazing young lady that we have raised. Not just me, we. Her dad, her grandmother, her dad's second wife, Alan, there have been a number of people involved in Kayla turning out the way she has. I am a very proud mother, she truly is amazing. I just can't believe it has been 23 years! I remember every detail of the day she was born. Now she has a boyfriend living with her, she has a job and credit cards, she wears make up and worries about her outfit looking right... not that little girl anymore.

The following week~ my birthday. Then our anniversary- 7 years! Troy and I have had plenty of ups and downs, times we both have considered divorce, but we love each other and we fought thru those times. Things still are far from perfect, I don't know many couples who have a perfect marriage, but we will get thru these things... somehow, someday, we will! We love each other and want to be together. Didn't get married for the hell of it, got married because we wanted to be together for life. Our anniversary falls on Yule, the December holiday I choose to recognize.

Christmas is difficult with a family like ours. one day is set aside for Kayla to spend with her dad's family, one day with her boyfriend's family, and one day for us to spend with Troy's family. no, we don't take time for my parents. Maybe one day she will call and ask to see us. I can't afford to buy gifts, and I am not fond of receiving gifts. It kills me that my daughter doesn't get much from me with her birthday and Christmas coming up, I would give her the world if I could!

I have huge hopes for 2015! December is when I start looking to the coming year for change. Financial and health changes for all of us are my big focuses- I think they always are really. But as I look at where I have been and where I am and the road that I've been on... I don't like where things have gone but I have found the fork in the road to change it! To change a lot!

Whatever holiday you choose to recognize or celebrate this time of year... 

Happy December! Happy Bodhi Day. Happy Krampusnacht. Happy Saint Lucias Day. Happy Pancha Ganapati. Happy Saturnalia. Blessed Yule. Happy Zamenhof Day. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Chalica. Happy Sadeh. Happy Haukkah. Happy Maslenitsa. And HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!   

Thanksgiving 2014

When a person says they don't do the holidays, what is so hard for others to understand about that? To respect that? All I ask is one day... no, I woke up this morning to a dozen text messages! Lovely, already a craptastic day- remind me what day it is! UGH!
So other than that, I start out with coffee and football, just a normal weekend morning. Kids had plans, so they got ready and left- and had a wonderful day with Dallons family.
Then my husband starts dinner. He was determined to have turkey and mashed potatoes, and get me to have some. He mentioned it a few times over the past couple weeks and all I did was tell him I was not interested but if thats what he wanted to do, fine. I tried to get him to go with his family, no. He wanted to be with me, he wanted to try to make this day better for me.
So after watching him peel one potato, I stepped in and helped with that. Then I left it all to him. I really wanted nothing to do with any of this. It was killing me just to see him making a fake thanksgiving dinner. It tore me apart to see that box of something they tried to say resembled turkey... looked like meat loaf to me. I can't accept that, if you are going to have a feast- make it a real feast. Honestly, I think that meat was what pushed me over the edge today. Silly, right?
So he gets everything fixed and asks me how much meat I want... and he was so angry when I said none. THIS is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I fell apart, I cried thru eating my potatoes and I went to bed and totally lost it! 
My husband loves me more than anything, and just wants to make me happy, and I love and appreciate every bit of it. But by trying to help, he made things worse- for both of us. After we talked I think he finally understands that, and I hope next year he will remember the things we talked about and allow me to just be alone next year. I really think if I can have just one year all to myself, not having to eat, not having to fake smiles, not having to pretend I'm ok... I really think that will help me to move on. I want more than anything to be happy, and enjoy the holidays, make memories with my family. I just can't right now!
it has been 9 years... my first meal I remember being served in prison was Thanksgiving dinner... I remember eating a small dish of fruit and looking at the rest and wanting to be sick. The turkey resembled what my husband bought for today, the potatoes were like wallpaper paste and the gravy was brown water. There was a roll, and of course the little pouch of milk. My room mate was happy to eat it all for me, while I sat on my bunk curled up crying the entire day. I was still so numb to everything that had happened the previous week, I was honestly thinking I would not survive. And what the hell did I have to be thankful for that year?
Today I am thankful for a lot! I am thankful for that experience for one! I know my life is in a good place right now and I have so many blessings. I have no regrets of that past, but that doesn't mean there is no pain. I feel like there is no place I belong, no where I feel I can really be myself during the holidays. My inlaws love me and are wonderful to me, but I am not comfortable there, my husband isn't even comfortable around them... at least it seems that way. I have no family, I made that choice and no one challenged it. No phone call or email saying 'we love you, come be part of the family.'  My family is my husband and kids... my daughter and her boyfriend. There was a point in time I had my chosen family that I spent times like this with, I don't even hear from them anymore...
Wow, sounds like a pity party here, doesn't it? Not at all what I intended! Yeah, it hurts to feel unwanted and not cared about by the people I always thought would be there. But I do still have the people who matter the most- Troy and Kayla. They are my life. And I love them!
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and all your travels were safe. Now lets get on to December... crazy month around here, and I don't even celebrate Christmas!

Emptying My Head

Depression sucks. Pain sucks. But considering everything, I am really staying fairly upbeat! I have kept myself as busy as I can doing things around the house... altho I end up hurting worse by the end of the day and having to take a nap because of the fatigue I always have. But cleaning and hanging pictures and still unpacking here and there... is such a helpful distraction! And of course crocheting!

A dear friend has invited me to go stay with her tomorrow night and spend Wednesday with her~ girl time, me time... away from home, away from the dogs that wake me up all thru the night, away from my sweet husband who I really feel is in need of a break from me. I always miss my family and my pets when I go away, but I really need this time! I need someone I can talk to, trust, who can help me with a few things... and she is that person. I used to have my sister for these things, but she and I have kind of grown apart recently and I don't feel I can turn to her right now. I know that will all change, she and I have gone thru this before... but I love her and we always come back to each other.

Anyway, a day of forgetting what is causing some of this depression, or maybe a day of talking about it- either way I should have some answers or at least feel a little better. A good night sleep, a relaxing bath and some tea... it will be heaven!

I will come home Wednesday to my family with a smile on my face. It is so hard for me to communicate to my friends and family what is truly going on in my head and heart. My daughter understands pretty well, she has been there thru so much, seen the things I have gone thru. Troy does his best to be compassionate and understanding, but so much is too hard for me to explain and I can't expect him to read my mind. Maybe we need to spend more time really talking when I get in these phases. I know he loves me, I know he would take away all the hurt if he could. 

My daughter has a scope tomorrow, we are still trying to determine what is going on with her stomach. I really hope this finds something- gives us some kind of answers! It kills me to see her suffering, it is as frustrating for me as it is for her I think... she tries to eat, and after just a couple bites she is having pains- no matter what she eats! I really just hope she feels ok for Thanksgiving, I would hate for her not to be able to enjoy all that wonderful food.

I can't wait for this week to be over! Then I can focus on important things... our insurance and other benefits paperwork, my letter and Kaylas speech to the Board of Pardons for the upcoming parole hearing, and dealing with December. Depression seems to lift a little in December, some fabulous things have happened in December. But it is still not a great month. I just want summer to get here! Or I want my Jennifer to come visit. Maybe then I will feel more complete and this depression will lift for good!

THANXGIVING BLESSINGS TO ALL 

turkey day

It is Sunday night, been a really rough week with an even rougher week to come with Thanksgiving this week.
I am so happy that my daughter will be joining her boyfriend at his familys gathering on turkey day, then she has her big family Thanksgiving on Saturday with her dad's family. They always have an amazing time! Troy's mom is going to Logan to spend the holiday with my brother-in-law and his wife and kids. So it's just Troy and I. UGH! I thought I would be happy about that, but this is even worse. I feel bad for my husband that I absolutely hate that day and want nothing to do with it. He asked about making a turkey roast and some potatoes and stuffing... and he will cook it. Honestly, I'm gonna fall apart. His brother called tonight asking if we would like to join them... I have been telling Troy to go with his mom, but he doesn't want to. He would rather be here, miserable, with me- than enjoying a good home cooked feast and time with his family. Truth? I don't think he gets how truly difficult this is for me. I don't want him to hang out with me- that makes me feel even worse! Like I am the reason he isn't doing what people should do on that day. Why should he be stuck home with a drunk, crying, miserable wife? I hate that I feel I have changed his traditions and happiness... just because I don't like things like this? I really prefer just being alone, but he wants to be with me. I get that he loves me and wants to support me, but I really just want to be by myself. One day I swear these feelings and attitude will change, but I have fought it and done my best to put on a smile and hide the tears every year so our family could enjoy this day without my issues... Why can't I have just one year? One day to let the tears flow, let the memories and past escape and maybe, just maybe get out of my system! I want more than anything for my husband to have the Thanksgiving he wants and deserves... but is a day at home with a wreck of a wife how he wants it? A turkey roast and stove top stuffing? That right there brings me to tears! That isn't Thanksgiving- that's depressing! I have my image of the ideal Thanksgiving, family or friends, lots of food, smiles... doesn't sound too difficult, right? 
In other news... my daughter has a test on Tuesday that will hopefully give us some answers and step in the right direction to getting her treated and feeling better! Troy was sick earlier this week, stayed in bed for a couple days. And me? well, same old same old... zero energy, a lot of aches and pain, too many seizures- actually this week, since my last grand mal- I've had probably less than 20 total seizures, which is amazing compared to what I have been dealing with! Making good use of my beautiful new cane, the arthritis goes back and forth from left knee to right. Tendinitis in my wrist has had me in tears a few times the past few days. 
This seems to be a fairly negative post, but really, I am happy with my life, and I am thankful for things in my life. I have a wonderful husband who treats me better than I sometimes deserve, I have the most incredible daughter a woman could ask for, and a son in law (at least I see him as that) who is an amazing help to me.
Thanksgiving blessings to everyone. I wish you all safe travels and wonderful times!

9 Years- part 2~ Beginning of Hell

This is the most difficult week for me, from yesterday until Thanksgiving (which in 2005 was the 24th). 
November 16~ the last time I saw my baby. The last time I heard her voice, held her, told her I loved her. The last time she called me mommy, I saw that chubby smile, touched her amazing hair. That night I had no idea it would be the last, I think that is why it is so hard for me to get past. I had plans to see her again just a few days later! No one told me what would happen in the next couple days, or months! Would it have been easier to know? To see her that last time and tell her goodbye? Knowing it would be the last time I would see her, be called mommy? Probably not, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that last visit. But now I am left with this emptiness... a non-closure of sorts. The difference tho, between me and say someone who has lost a child to death- I know where my girl is, I know she will be in my life again one day, I know she is happy and healthy... and that is what truly matters to me.
November 18, 2005... 8 am~ heading to court with my brother and my boyfriend, discussing the what ifs. Planning for just in case. All the hell I had been thru over the previous months came down to this. 9 am~ Meeting with my lawyer and being told the good news of the sentencing recommendations and the DA, being assured all would be ok. 10 am~ Sitting in the court room feeling wonderful! Thinking this will all be over in just a few minutes, I can go home and get my baby back and start the battle of getting my other daughter back! Listening to that judge started making me a bit nervous, he was quite the jerk!
My name is called, my turn. It's ok, I have talked to the DA, I've seen the sentencing report, relax! WOW! Really? This judge made me feel an inch tall! He did not look at anything but what he wanted to see! He had his own opinion of me without having any clue! He ignored the sentencing recommendation, he even told the DA to be quiet when she tried to argue against his sentence! I heard the words, but they didn't connect... until I heard my mother cry out behind me. Did he just say prison? I collapsed to the floor. As they helped me up I turned to look at my brother- he was holding my mother and motioned to me he would help her. They cuffed me and led me away... what the hell just happened? Where is my lawyer? I want to talk to someone! I need my meds! I started hyperventilating, crying hysterically... I was terrified!
I sat in some little room behind the courtroom for who knows how long, everything from that point on was a total fog for a few days. They took me to a holding cell, there were a couple other girls there- obviously NOT the kind of people I was used to being around. One of the girls explained to me what was going on, the 'routine' for her, I guess. The rest of the day in this holding cell then off to the jail... "No, they told me prison," "not til Tuesday, they only do prison transfers on Tuesdays."
Later that day I was taken to a van, along with four or five other girls, and transported to the jail. That was the beginning of hell. 

9 Years...

My goodness, has it been that long? I so dislike this month!

 Nine years (and 4 days) ago, I lost one of my best friends to cancer. I have some wonderful memories with Pam, but I also have those last hours embedded in my mind. I will never forget the late night phone call telling me it was time to come say my good byes, she she wouldn't make it another 10 hours. Pam was a mom, a best friend, a cooking teacher, she was so many things to me... and I miss her so much! I have to say, tho, I am glad she passed when she did~ because a week after her memorial I was in front of a judge being told I no longer had my freedom. I was blessed to be able to be there during her last days, and to mourn with other friends. I can still see her smile when she got to hold my little Echo just minutes after she was born, I can still hear her laugh and remember some of the talks we used to have. I have had the joy of becoming very good friends with her daughter Maria, she's my sis!

Nine years ago this week was the last time I saw my baby girl. Echo was a year and a half old, in foster care with a couple who would eventually become her parents. I saw her a few days before that dreadful day I stepped in front of that judge... I miss that little girl with everything I have in me, I think of her every day. I know she is happy and healthy, and that matters more to me than any 'poor me' thoughts I might have. I know one day I will have her in my life again... But nine years is such a long time to not hear your own childs voice, see her smile in person, touch her face or hair...

Nine long years since so many things in my life changed- no, my life itself changed! it was truly the end of one book and the beginning of another. Not chapters, books. I don't regret any of the things that happened, much was beyond my control- so how would I regret those? Others were by my own choices and every choice leads us to something that is meant to be- whether it is meant for us, or meant for someone else, it is meant to happen that way. How can I regret choices made that resulted in other peoples happiness? I hurt and I struggle, but no regrets!

I am trying to locate photos, but I am on the wrong computer. As the month goes on, and the tears continue, I will try to share these wonderful memories, these amazing people.

November...

My least favorite month of the year. So many bad things in my life happened in November, so many memories of good times long gone. So far I am doing pretty well, none of those things have seeped into my mind yet, but it's just a matter of time. I think because of the move and how busy I have been keeping myself with doctors and unpacking and everything else~ my mind just hasn't had a chance to realize November really is here. It will hit probably next week... and then I will want to disappear into the bottom of a bottle. No, it doesn't help, but it seems to be the only way I deal with it all... alcohol and lots of tears... and my wonderful family helping me, supporting me, loving me.
I had an MRI on my knee, nothing there. Turns out it is just arthritis and I get to live with the pain, take ibuprofen or whatever other method of pain control I choose. A sweet friend from PGR is making me a custom cane out of rose wood and a crystal ball for the handle, I am really excited to see it! And I will have that help walking when the knee decides to not cooperate with me.
I meet my new neurologist tomorrow, I really excited about that! I know there will be a lot of testing that will need to be done for her, but it will all be worth it! I am hopeful for possible medication changes, and the possibility of  getting a hysterectomy to cure my seizures is a huge hope with a new doctor! Fresh eyes and ears, female, younger... what could go wrong with this?
My family doctor has me on a bunch of supplements that seemed to be working in the beginning, but not so much anymore, I am back to feeling miserable more days than I feel good. I plan to talk with the neurologist about these issues as well, see if she has any thoughts.
We are slowly getting Kayla's stomach issues dealt with... or at least ruling things out. She is being scheduled for a scope in hopes the doctor can see something that will explain her symptoms.
See- way to busy to worry about how much I dislike this month! 
In addition, I am really pushing Epilepsy awareness month and making sure people are a little more educated than they were. One of my biggest fears is having a seizure in a place full of strangers and no one knows what to do... a big part of the reason I never leave home alone.
I decided December will be good for a house warming party, I should be done unpacking and getting things settled by then. Honestly, not a big fan of December either, but an open house for our friends to come say HI, see where we live, etc... will keep my mind busy.
We are settling in nicely, finally got a new stove that works great, got some shelves to store things. Still unpacking a few things a day when I feel up to it. Today I finally found a box I had been searching for since the day after we moved in! Seriously, I thought it had gotten thrown out or left behind or something! I've never been so happy to see a box of socks and bras! My husband and I have different ideas about our future in this house, I like it, I want to make it home, long term. A few little things here and there and it will be like our own. Give us a few years to get stable and get some things paid off and our credit improved. I'm in no rush to move again!
Well, I have dogs bugging me to go outside, so enough of me just airing what's on my mind.

More On Epilepsy

So here is my second post about Epilepsy. Have you ever been around when someone had a seizure? There are a lot of things people say to do, but don't! Get the right info or you could really hurt someone! 
~ Never put anything in the mouth. No, I won't swallow my tongue, and no I won't bite it off! I will very likely bite my tongue, but not to that point. A person could actually damage teeth or have the tongue shoved back to block the throat if something were put in the mouth.
~ Don't restrain me. Holding a person down can cause torn muscles. When I have a seizure every muscle in my body gets super strength and does what it wants, if someone tries to stop that, those muscles will be damaged, and I will be in more pain than I already appear to be in.
~ The only time you should even touch a person having a seizure is to block them from hitting something they could get hurt on.
~ Everyone is different, but I feel better if someone is speaking to me, just telling me to not fight it and it will be over soon... just so I know someone is there and that I will be ok. I've had thousands of seizures, but it is still something I dread, and I fear being alone when they happen.
~ After a seizure is over, two things you should have for someone- water and a blanket. I don't like water, but after my seizures I am so dehydrated and water tastes amazing! And I am always cold, toss a blanket or jacket over me.
~ Don't force a person to hurry to get up after a seizure. What we just went thru drains us physically more than anything you will ever experience. Many people will sleep for a half hour, I prefer to at least be woken up a few minutes later just to be checked on. But allow me to lay there, and get up in my own time. There is a good chance I have a bump on my head or some other injury, and I need to kind of self assess before jumping up and trying to get back to whatever it was I was doing. Just talk to me, let me gather myself. A lot of times my memory is shot and I don't understand where I am or even what day it is... after a few minutes all that comes back to me.
It is not always mandatory to call 911. Most public places have a policy about it, just for their own liability. But it really is not always necessary. Grab my phone, call one of my ICE contacts.
Even with medication, epilepsy cannot be cured or even controlled as much as we would like. There are over a million people in this country who have uncontrolled seizures. I take my meds, but they don't really help much. I'm sure if I didn't take them my seizures would be much more often and out of control. Currently I take 2 medications- somewhat high dose, I have big seizures that knock me unconscious about once or twice a month, major seizures that I stay awake thru almost weekly, and other various strengths and types of seizures every day- many that are so minor no one around me notices them.
One day I hope to have better control over this disease, getting old and having seizures scares me. But it is something I have dealt with for over 30 years, and I am sure I will deal with for another 30! 

Epilepsy Awareness Month

I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 17. I had been having seizures for about 3 years, but always in my sleep, never witnessed, so they went untreated and undiagnosed. All I knew at the time was something had happened in my sleep and I felt like crap! Then I started having other types of seizures, but I just hid it from my parents... until that day. The day I finally had a seizure during the day, in a public place. 30 years I have been dealing with this disease! I can go up to 2 years without a single seizure, then there are times I can't go 6 hours! It used to be predictable, not now, now they just happen. I am terrified of the future- my future with this disease. I have given myself black eyes, cuts, bumps on my head, a number of injuries over the years... I am getting close to 50- I am getting to a point that I could seriously hurt myself during a seizure.
With epilepsy awareness month, I realize not a lot of people understand the disease, and even worse, have no idea how to respond if someone has a seizure. So I decided to share some information...
Some basic triggers for seizures? Sleep Deprivation. Yes, I have insomnia and it doesn't help my situation at all! Hormones. When I first started having seizures, I could set my calendar by them... day before my cycle- every month. And pregnancy? Just as a womans hormones are crazy uncontrollable- so are the seizures! They also say menopause- I'm not looking forward to that! I am actually meeting with a new neurologist this week and will be discussing a hysterectomy with her, as there is evidence it can help eliminate or reduce seizure activity in women. They say Drug and Alcohol use, but I honestly don't believe that. I have a friend with seizures... his wife hands him a beer each time he feels one coming on, and it helps stop that. As for the drugs, I do not condone drug use, but there was a time in my life that I was kind of a heavy user... and during that time- not once did I have a seizure. Once I stopped with the drugs, the seizures started again. Doesn't make sense, but I can assure you, I am done with drugs other than the meds my doctor gives me! Emotional stress. Low blood sugar. The stress is a for sure thing, blood sugar could be a problem for some, not me.Bright lights. Strobes, lasers, flashing lights, yes, they do bother me! I havent' been to an indoor concert in years because of my fear of seizing. My daughter once yelles at a cop to turn off his lights because the flashing red and blues would put me in a seizure. Things that trigger me personally? Well, loud sudden noises, anything that surprises me from a noise to stubbing my toe or stepping in a pot hole! Even getting hit by a bug while on the motorcycle. Yeah, all of these things have put me into seizures. I can't go to haunted houses because people sneaking up on me would send me over. Hormones are still a problem. And sometimes there is no trigger, they just happen!

Tomorrow I will share some pointers on what to do if you see someone seizing.

For today, this is all. Wear purple, support Epilepsy Awareness. Tell your employer to have a first aide class including seizure training!