Was t Worth It

Three and a half years- you were out of prison and out of trouble for three and a half years. You had finally left my head- the fears and anxiety of bumping into you- didn't even enter my head anymore, the stress of my daughter seeing you at the mall- always there to some degree- but very much faded. You, your face, your existence- barely a thought. My daughter- forever traumatized by you- no longer living in the county you are in, me- moving hours away, and the child we had together- wouldn't know you if she were standing next to you... peace of mind was finally found, your existence almost forgotten.
Then out of the blue... a phone call... "you are receiving this call because you are registered with VINE to receive notifications of any status change in an offender named...."
The next 24 hours was filled with stress. Did he hurt someone else? Did he run? Is he going back to prison? Off parole?
Within hours I was able to find that a warrant had been issued- not by the city or county, by the Board of Pardons. Parole violation. OMG, he did it to someone else, is what went thru my head. My heart hurt as I laid in bed sleepless that night. First thing yesterday morning I was able to get more information- I spoke to the board, I spoke to his parole officer... no, no one else has been hurt. You violated your parole by committing a totally different crime. What were you thinking? A crime that will get you sent to another state to stand trial and serve time- as much time as you served here your first time around. I shouldn't care, and really- I don't! But I cannot wrap my head around the thought process. I hear of people all the time re-offending shortly after release because they have become institutionalized and cannot live without that structure... but you had over three years of staying out of trouble!
24 hours after that phone call, I got confirmation that you were in custody and behind the gates of the Utah State Prison again. Your family- clueless, your victims- elated... and breathing a sigh of relief. Relief because we no longer have to worry about bumping into you at the mall or standing next to you at a bus stop, relief that my youngest child can go to school with her parents not fearing an abduction or any kind of contact.
As I laid my head down on my feather pillow, stretched my legs in my queen sized bed, felt the a/c blowing over me... I did think about you- I thought about that flat pillow that has been slept on by dozens of others, that 3 inch thick mat that is barely as tall as you are, in an 8x8ft cinder block room. Was it worth it? When I stepped outside at 1am for some fresh air and to see the stars- I thought about you... locked in that cinder block room 23 hours a day. Was it worth it? When I woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee and stepped outside for a cigarette- I thought about you being given food with no choice of what you eat or drink. Was it worth it? As I drove to the post office this morning- I thought about you... you can write a letter- but to who? You can make a phone call- when they tell you you are allowed... and if anyone will accept charges for it. Was it worth it? I'm sitting here on my computer- able to search any website, email anyone, with my phone at my side able to call anyone anytime... thinking of you... no internet, no computer- just paper and pencil. Was it worth it?
You went to prison for 9 years because you "thought you could get away with it." Yes, that statement is burned into my head forever. Was that worth it? Your family, your friends, your reputation, your life- forever changed. Was that worth it? It must have been, because I cannot comprehend how you would do something to put you back in that same position.
I was so close to making arrangements to come face to face with you, to confront my demons of that chapter of my life... to look you in the eye and say the things I need to say to you, ask the things I need to ask. That option is gone... out the window the minute you were taken into custody. I cannot visit you in prison, the protective order won't allow that. So I will again stare you down will flames in my eyes as you enter the room for your hearing- as I have each time. And after that, I will close the door on that chapter again, hopefully for good this time.
Remember the card reader? Remember what she said? This would be your only chance... she was right... and look at what you did to that chance, look at what you did to destroy what you created... look at where you are now...
Was It Worth It?

understanding depression

People who have never truly lived with depression, really don't understand what goes thru my head most of the time. It isn't as simple as 'just breathe' or 'smile, you'll feel better.' I get told to just BE positive... really? My mind doesn't work the same way as other people.
People see me as feeling sorry for myself... no, far from it! I am blaming myself for everything that is wrong in the world. Seeking attention? no, the tears I hide are much more than what anyone ever sees, the thoughts I have- most never leave my own head. Tell me I am being dramatic- all I am doing is reaching out for help, trying to release some of the pain in my own head. But most people don't see any of that...
I cry and scream behind closed doors. I question my purpose, my journey, even my existence. But most people don't see that side- they see the mask I put on when I leave my house, the smile that comes thru on the occasions that I am actually enjoying life. But that is not the norm- and no one gets that.
When I try to close off and focus on me, trying to figure things out in my life and get back on a level ground for a while- I get attacked for shutting people out, not doing what I am 'expected' to do. Why do people expect anything of me? Because I have pretended for so long to be ok?
Depression SUCKS! And what makes it worse is when you feel attacked by those around you who claim they care, but they don't understand.
I read a really good article last night called "Invisible 280."  For every person who loses their life to suicide- there are 280 people who survive- whether it be surviving that attempt, or stopping just before that moment. I am one of them. The suicidal thoughts, and attempts- ran rampant in my head for a long time- daily. I started to get better, I thought I past all that. Moving to a small town and completely changing every aspect of my life has been much harder on me than I anticipated. The depression has come flooding back, thoughts of taking my own life- yes, thoughts of acting on it- not at this point. But right now I don't even have anyone to talk me down from there if I did get there.
Fake friends, judgmental friends, people telling me I'm making bad choices and doing the wrong things with my life... isn't this MY life? So many people have left me, walked away from supporting me and my choices in the past couple months. That doesn't help my depression. I mean, I always feel alone- no matter who is or isn't there to support me- the feeling of having an empty lonely life is a constant.
If I could take away this disease, I would in a heartbeat! People think I use depression to get the attention and as an excuse for various things... no, I hate it! I can't live the life I want to be living, I have lost important people in my life.
This truly is a daily battle. And whether I have people to support me or not, I will do my best to push thru each day... as I always have.
Go ahead and say what you will, talk about me behind my back, attack me to my face... but until you truly understand what goes on in my head- or anyone who suffers depression- you have no right to judge me.
My hope... for those who don't have a mental illness to try to learn more. My hope- if this disease ever does take my life- that those of you who have been one of those people mentioned above, will learn to understand how you can help someone else in the future rather than causing more damage.
My hope... that some day there will be a real treatment for this nightmare, and people won't have to live like this.

Lost

I've been a little lost lately, trying to find my purpose and what I should be doing. I am not saying I am not happy, I am just in a major transition... and finding it hard to get thru.
I left the city. I left with hopes and dreams of a better life and a better quality of life. I left behind a big part of who I have been for a long time. So now I have to create a new life, a new me. I need to find what it is that I really want in this next chapter. I want peace, I know this. I want my marriage to thrive- we have struggled from the beginning for a number of reasons, and this is our chance to refresh what we had, to get to know each other again. No distractions like we had in the city.
I walked away from the charity, and all the charitable things I did to help others- I really believe that weighed on me physically and emotionally, and I feel my time for those things has passed... and I am ok with that. I walked away from so many friends- not just leaving the city, but removing them from  my social media. A few of whom have come back into my life- who truly are meant to be here. I walked away from negativity... but have I come to a different kind of negativity?
I have found a place that I feel happy and content and where I can see my future- my permanent future. A place where my husband and I can grow old together.
Things never go a perfectly as planned, and we are experiencing that with the purchase of our home getting pushed back, and my husbands job having some minor issues. But I am hanging on, and doing what I need to do to make everything fall into place.
The idea of leaving the company I have represented for almost 4 years really threw me for a loop yesterday. But I cannot allow myself to believe that defined me. Yes, I am a Thriver, no, that is not all I am. But it still leaves a hole in who I was.
Maybe once we sign on this home, I will start to feel like I belong and fit in, and will find my niche in this community or at least in who I am.
I'm finding it hard to not have my daughter around, to not have her a major part of my life. But that was a choice I had to make.
I know in time I will find my way... but for now I feel lost.

Mixed Emotions

Today was filled with super excitement and happiness, followed by huge sadness and tears. I'm not even sure how I feel right now, other than this- I have again failed... I failed my husband and I failed my team.

This morning I got everything run thru and approved and set up to start as a consultant for Pampered Chef. I love their products, I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity with joining the company- and I jumped on it! I know I can do well with this business, not only make money but fill my own kitchen with the products I love at a super discounted price! Yay me! 
Then my husband came home from work early... sad, upset, lost. I started questioning our choice to move here. He left everything for me, he came here because it was what was best for me. And now he isn't happy. Yeah, guilt set in- I failed him.
Just when I am trying to bring myself out of that hole- a phone call... what the hell have I done? Apparently by becoming a consultant for this company, I am in violation of the rules of promoting for the company I've been with for over 3 years. I can't do both. I have to make a choice? I am risking losing even my right to buy the products that I love and have completely changed my life! How do I make a choice like that? I made a financial investment in this new company, and I feel strongly that the financial rewards will be better than what I have done with LeVel. I am a Thriver for life and I will always support the company and recommend the products- no matter what! But I am being forced to make a choice between the two, and I hate that. Had I understood that in the beginning- things would be very different today. I feel I have let a bunch of people down... unintentionally.
Yeah, I'm kind of a mess today. But I won't give up and I won't go back. I will move forward searching for the good, finding the best in this life for my husband and I. He is still promoting Thrive, and I will back him and help him find customers as much as I can!
For now, I believe I will be voluntarily stepping down from LeVel before they remove me. Hopefully I can find a way to maintain my customer status at least. I am sorry- to my upline, to the people who believed in me and supported me, to my team- even tho we had shrunk to a very small team, they were still my team.

Failure

Failure... this defines how I have been feeling the past week. My logical brain knows I am not a failure, but the rest of me just sees all the things I did wrong.
~ As a daughter... my parents raised me well, and what did I do in return? I treated them like crap! I have been nothing but a disappointment to them. I didn't turn out how they wanted- or expected. I shut them out of my life for a number of years- the reason doesn't matter, it was wrong.
~As an adopted daughter... mom passed away, I never said good-bye. I never went to see her before I moved away from the city... I rarely went to visit her at all. It was hard to see her in the shape she was in, it hurt my heart. So out of selfishness I stayed away. In reality it probably hurt her a lot more by me not visiting than it would have hurt me to see her once in a while.
~As a dog mom... a couple weeks ago I took in Bella. I believed we had the room in our home and heart for a third dog. What I didn't realize was the impact it would have on my other 2 dogs. At first I thought they would all adjust and get along after a few days, but it got worse- not better. I traumatized my girls, they were so sad- and I'm sure blamed me. I took a pup from a home she knew, brought her her and gave her love and a home... then sent her away again, to an unknown. I can't even imagine how she feeling right now.
~As a mom... I failed twice here, and it's probably the most important part of life to not fail. I'll start with child #2- I was put in a situation where I had to give her up. I haven't raised her, I am not her mom. If I could turn back time- I would have fought to keep her, but that's another story. child #1- raising her was a struggle, my own life was a mess and I wanted the best for her. I had her grandmother helping me raise her- honestly, she was with my daughter more than I was because I was always working or at school- but she doesn't remember those things, she remembers grandma being there, not mom. Then I married someone who hurt her- yeah big fail there!  And to top it off, I didn't want to believe it! And now, as an adult, she is not the child I raised. She has become someone I don't recognize, someone whose life is headed in a direction I did everything I could to make sure it wouldn't. I love my daughter more than life, but I failed her, I didn't give her whatever it was she needed to see her self worth, to be independent, and to build her future.
~I also, at times, feel as if I have failed as a wife... When we married almost 11 years ago I had a full time job and was moving up in my company. I was a contributing part of our household income. I was outgoing, always doing things. Then my health failed me and I lost my job- honestly the best job I had ever had. I tried to work, but my health got in the way. Then the medical issues took a toll every aspect of my life. I rarely went out, I didn't do things with my husband and our friends, I never left the house alone! I became somewhat of a burden- always needing to be taken to the doctor or even shopping, I was a financial burden because I lost my income and my husband had to pay for everything... including my medical expenses. There have been more days that I was unable to cook or clean, than there have been good days. It has been really hard to remember every day that I am still a good wife, and no matter what he will stand by me and support me in every way possible.
~As a friend... I used to be that friend who was always there, no matter what was going on in my own life- I would put that aside for everyone else. I finally hit a point in my life that I was self destructing by being that friend. I got walked on, taken advantage of, and neglected the most important thing- me. Then after a while I got to where I decided to just distance myself and remove myself from their lives. I was always there for them- but no one was ever there for me- so why was I considering them friends?
Needless to say it has been a very difficult couple months. I made some major changes to my life when we moved, complete transition. It has been a difficult but incredible transition. I am learning a lot about me and about what I do need to focus on in my life. This journey, this transition, isn't complete, it will takes months for me to truly accept and complete the changes that I need to be entirely happy and at peace with myself. But that- myself- is all that matters, and that is a huge step forward.
I often feel down on myself, feel as tho I am a failure. But as I said at the beginning- my logical brain knows I am not a failure.

Alone

Do you ever feel alone? Like really alone?
I am struggling emotionally right now, and all I want is someone to talk to, someone who knows me and understands me... and cares.
Everyone who ever fit those things has either removed themselves from my life or I have removed them. Toxic relationships are never good, they need to be cut. Those people can't help you. And those who act like they care when it's convenient for them, but otherwise have cut you out of their life- what kind of friend is that? Do they care? Most likely no. I don't want to talk to people who are fake, I don't want people around who pretend to care... I want those real friends.
Do I have people like that in my life? Of course I do! But that list is getting shorter every day. But we are all battling our own demons, trying to get thru this life. We don't always have the time for each other that we wish we had.
I struggle with this every single time I get a little down, when my depression starts to kick in. There was a time in my life when i had any number of friends to reach out to. And today I have very few.
This really isn't a bad thing, altho it seems like it- like I said- I feel alone. But looking at it differently, it really is a positive. Toxic, negative people have been eliminated from my circle. I have no room for liars, back-stabbers, angry and hateful people, self-centered, self destructive people or people who are out to destroy you, those who blame everyone else but never own their challenges... these are the type of people we all need to eliminate! For our own mental and emotional health.
It hurts. To not have those people to reach out to, to see people you truly care about turn their backs on you... or having to stand your ground and keep your back turned to them.
I hurt, my depression was fighting to come back and then mom passed away... I need someone who knows. But those people don't exist in my life anymore.
And I am ok with that.

Bella

Last week we decided we were ready to bring another fur baby into our life. Not just any dog, we wanted a rescue- to help a dog that isn't a puppy. As i looked over the classified I found the one.

This is Bella. She is 8 months old, a cattle dog mix- I'm thinking with lab. When we got her, we were told she was healthy and happy, mostly trained, a good dog. Sadly we were misinformed, but we are happy to say she is in a better home where she will be cared for properly.

Bella is thin, too thin. When we feed her, she acts as if she hasn't eaten in days- she just can't get enough. We feed her more than a dog her size would normally eat at this point, hopefully she will get to a healthy weight in no time. She was starved for attention, and still is. We are working on limitations while giving her all the love she needs. Our other 2 get a bit jealous when Bella gets a lot of attention, especially when they see she isn't being good. They know the rules, they know they have to be good. She is starting to follow their lead a bit, key words that they understand- she is beginning to recognize. My other 2 dogs are not as playful nor do they have the energy of the pup! And she wants to play with them, almost constantly... Sadie is more into playing, but Roxy pretty much wants nothing to do with Bella right now. A lot of getting used to each other will be taking place the next couple weeks! A lot of training going on!

We love her, and are happy to have her in our family. We are happy to have her away from the family who didn't want the responsibility.