screw you

What happened to all those people who said I'm here for you, who said they would always be there to help? They are the same ones ignoring my cries for help.

As I sit here on the brink of suicide, I have stopped putting on a happy face- let people see inside my head, maybe someone is going to see that cry and reach out to me.

No... the past few days I have been told I'm trying to get sympathy, to just take a deep breath... smile- it always makes me feel better, suck it up, it will get better... sorry you are having a rough time- tomorrow is a new day.

To all of you- fuck you!

To the one person who actually has reached out- thank you, just thank you for taking a few minutes out of your life to try. And the one person who has the busiest life I know, but knew I needed a break and got me out of the house last week- thank you. 

My husband wants me to be ok, he tries once in a while, but he doesnt understand and he struggles to accept that i'm not ok. He can't help me anymore, and i think he knows it. We have grown apart just too much for him to have any idea how to help me. I love him so much, and he deserves so much better than this.

So to all you who ignored my cries, and who told me to smile- When you get the news that I am gone, don't cry over me, don't say- oh I didn't see the signs, I wish she had reached out to someone.

I am alive today because of one thing... my dogs. And unfortunately they mean more to me than I do to myself, so I will probably live like this a little longer- miserable, just because I'm worried about my dogs.

Just a thought, next time you copy and paste on your social media about suicide awareness, or being there for people... think about it- would you really be there for them?

What Next?

First I was struggling with my chronic pain, then that got worse. Then came the depression... and that got worse than you can even imagine. then the suggestion of kidney problems? Then the pain (fibromyalgia, I'm pretty sure) got worse. As I battle the physical pain, it just makes the emotional pain worse- making the suicidal thoughts stronger. 
So I scream to the gods begging to just take me, end my misery. And what happens? I start having symptoms of a stroke- like really- by the end of that day I was unable to talk, or walk without help, I woke the next day not remembering a thing about the prior day.
Really? Why just a mini stroke? For real- why wasn't it a major stroke that would just take me? Oh that's right- I keep saying I have things to take care of, to get in order before I die. Maybe if I do those things I can have my wish.
So a few days ago I started noticing a strange pain, pretty much ignored it because my entire body hurts all the time. But the pain got a little worse each day, keeping me awake at night because most positions I lay in caused more pain. Last night I laid in bed awake all night. Trying to find a way to be comfortable... but just ending up in tears.By the time I gave up on sleep and crawled out of bed today, I could not move or breathe without pain. WTF is wrong with me?
So I called to get an appointment with my doctor... They wanted to see me today. Is it that serious? Nothing about what it could be- just an immediate appointment (tomorrow) and probable tests.
I'm over all this! I want to be ok again- completely ok! if not, I wish I could just die and be out of all the pain! Maybe I'll get hit by a car tomorrow on my way to the doctor and none of it will matter anymore. Really, just how much is a person supposed to be able to take?
I guess on the plus side I haven't heard back on the results of my kidney tests, so that's good news, i guess?

a smile in the middle of tears

I absolutely did not want to do a thing today. I didn't want to leave the house, get dressed, nothing. I didn't want to go be around people, go all the way to Tooele. All day I had to build myself up to going. I feel like crap, but I promised my daughter. I don't want to deal with the emotions I face when I go there, but I had things to pick up for friends here. I didn't want my daughter to see the struggle, but I need her to see that I support her. Altho she has distanced herself from me, altho my heart breaks everytime I see her, and I get angry when I think about the reason behind it... I love her more than anything and I will support this type of thing in her life always.
So I went.
I saw the puppies for a few minutes- always a smile when I get to see puppies. Then I went to the party. I have to admit it was really nice to have some girl time with my daughter. Watching her open her box, her new demo kit that means she is officially a Pure Romance consultant, was actually a proud moment for me. And even with everything in my head and in my heart about her life- I can see she is passionate about this, and I want her to be a huge success as much as she does.
So after almost no sleep last night, and my dizzy spells being worse today- I actually blacked out twice, the aches and pains in my body... and those damned thoughts in my head- I grabbed my cane and headed out.
I even stayed longer than I had planned. Like I said, it was nice to have some girl time with my daughter and a couple of her friends. And it was a nice little distraction from myself.
I pray that one day things will be better between us, that she will understand my pain and my concern... I pray it happens before it's too late.

Failure

Have you ever failed at something? Of course, we all have- that math test in 8th grade, not being able to get over that hurdle on the track team... we all have something. Life is full of failures and accomplishments. My dad always told me- you don't fail at anything until you fail to try.
Well, I've tried, and tried, and tried. And I have failed. But this is bigger than a diet or a math test. This is life.
I have failed life.
I have caused and allowed my body to fall apart, to self destruct, and to basically fail me- I am broken. FAIL
I raised a beautiful, smart daughter who has accomplished things I never dreamed she would. But she has become someone I don't know, she is making choices that go against how she was raised, she is suffering (some of that she doesn't recognize or accept)and I can't fix it. FAIL
I have a wonderful man in my life, I tried everything I could to be the woman he deserves, to be the wife I thought I could be. FAIL
I caused my entire family to push me out, I became the family embarrassment, the disapointment. FAIL
I am not able to be the friend and supporter that I want to be- that I once was. People I think I'm close to- don't keep in touch. FAIL
I can't be a contributing member of society anymore, hell I'm not even a contributing member of my own home! FAIL

I want my daughter to see herself and her life from outside her head.
I want my husband to have a life. I want him to have financial freedom, social freedom. He deserves someone who can BE an active part of his life... and he doesn't deserve to be held back.
I want my family to just be able to move on, not have awkward moments of contact, not have to say- yeah, that's Amy, the one who went to prison... or what ever complaint they have.
I want the people in my life- friends, acquaintances, whoever- to just be able to live their lives.
And what do I want for me? I want to stop the physical pain, the emotional pain. I want people to understand. But I failed at that too... nobody understands.

Death With Dignity

When I was in college I did a research paper on euthanasia. That was 20 years ago, a lot has changed! Dr. Kavorkian went to prison for helping someone end their life... end their own pain and suffering, a terminal patient chose to not drag out the inevitable. Today, 6 states have legal DWD laws. Countries in Europe allow it- in people as young as 12! Personally I don't feel a 12 year old should be making that decision, but that's not my call.
I live in Utah, not one of the states that thinks it is ok! But why? Thsi should be addressed everywhere! While we are spending all this time on legalizing medical marijuana and getting noplace with that- can't we take a minute to see how many people are truly suffering and want to end that?
A terminally ill person who suffers daily... Pain- beyond what most can comprehend. Medications- that drain what little money they have, cause a multitude of side effects. Burden- these people feel they are a burden to their loved ones, a spouse or child gives up so much to care for them, they have to watch the person they love die a little more each day. There is no quality of life, just the expectation of death. Who wants to live like that?
And what about suicidal people? Severely depressed people who are miserable and make those around them miserable, people who think of ways to die every day. I know- these people have to be in a clear state of mind before they can get into a 'contract' for assisted suicide, but seriously!
So here I am, suffering a depression that I never imagined possible, wishing for a car accident every time I leave the house. I take medication that costs too much- and doesn't entirely do what it is supposed to do. I can't work to pay for these meds... because they don't do what they are supposed to do! I have multiple chronic ailments- things that will never go away, they will just get worse. I am in almost constant pain, most of the things I enjoy doing- I can't anymore... even on a good day, I know that if I do these things I will suffer worse over the next couple days. Quality of life? not really. I feel like I am a lump on a log. My dear husband works his ass off to put a roof over my head and food in my body, he puts up with me getting behind on laundry and not feeling up to cooking very often. Doing things for me because I can't, missing work to drive me places- even having to take me places when he isn't working. Missing out on events and friends because I don't feel up to going. He can't buy the things he wants because we don't have the budget of a 2-income family. So not only is my life miserable- but I am making his life miserable as well. I love him! I want him to be happy, I want him to enjoy these years- not be stuck home taking care of me...
So is my situation something that would clear for the DWD  standards? Probably not. But why? Really... I am going to live another 30 years- 30 years of pain, tears, poverty level misery. Why can't I decide? Why can't a person go to the doctor and say I want a suicide pill. 
Yes, I want my life to end. No, I am not going to commit suicide at this point.

realizing health

Since about a week before we moved my health has not been good. I've written off the pain as caused by all the moving and unpacking. Other issues- oh, it's just my fibro or whatever, I'll be ok. but day by day things seem more extreme than what would seem normal, pains that I have never experienced, along with some internal stuff that I can't even really explain. Dizziness, not just dizzy spells, but feeling dizzy for a period of time. Even falling over. muscles that feel as tho they are atrophied, I can't move like I should be able to- not just in pain, but I physically can't! The mental problems- the memory and confusion, what I have always called the 'fog', worse than I can deal with.
So to top it all off, I went for a check up with my neurologist today. Apparently the medication I've taken for the better part of 30 years, can have long term effects. And the doctor had concerns today. I was sent for blood work and will find out more soon. Meanwhile- stress, frustration, and depression.
I know what's wrong with me for the most part... altho I know I need to get actual diagnoses for it all. Thats just it- ALL. I don't just have one health issue, hell, I don't just have 3 or 4! And I hate it! I refuse to be drugged my entire life just to keep me from being bedridden.
I have done a lot of thinking today and a lot of decisions made. I will not fight to exist. I truly don't have any real quality of life. I know I will have good days again, there will be plenty of good days and bad days, but as time goes on I can only see the bad days getting worse, and the good days being less often.
I plan to get the whole living will thing done. Have a DNR in place. And make it known to my loved ones what I want and hopefully have those wishes respected if that situation ever comes up.
The depression is real. It won't get better with all this going on. I am scared, truly scared about my future and what will happen with me, my family, my marriage. I feel like a burden- and apparently this isn't going to change. Honestly feeling today that I would welcome death and be at peace if it happened. I know, there is a part of me that no matter what I will keep fighting, but I dont' want to. I want to give in and just allow all this shit to happen.
I can't work, I can't drive, I can't do half the projects around the house that I have always taken pride in being able to do. I feel worthless and useless. Who wants someone like that around? 
As I feel my body deteriorate, and realize how my mind is deteriorating... it devastates me. And I just don't know how right now, to deal with it all.