2018- new year new me

have you ever had an awakening? a moment in time where you suddenly just change your entire attitude and view of things?

Needless to say I have had one hell of a crappy year! I had given up on so many things- including my own existence. I prayed for death. Nothing mattered to me anymore and I struggled to find anything to be happy or positive about.

But something happened. I cant' even explain it! I was at a place that I didn't want to do Christmas, I wanted to just somehow get past it. Even the day before- I just was in a dark sad place. I left for work on Christmas morning and knew I had to be in the spirit a bit for work- and I did a pretty good job!  I danced and sang to christmas music, wished everyone a merry christmas... and by the time I got home I was in a little better place, but still just wanted it done. But as the day went on, and Christmas happened in our home- something happened to me. A weight was lifted, a light started burning and a darkness began to see sunrise. I found by the end of the day a new desire to BE happy, to enjoy life and the people around me.

So as I enter into 2018, the whole 'new year new me" thing will actually apply to me. I am all about positive energy, happiness, being true to myself and those who share my desire for avoid the negative, those who bring me happiness.

I know that my struggles with depression are far from over, but I will learn to deal with it in a better way. I will vocalize my concerns and things that bother me rather than bottling them up. I will make an effort to express my feelings better, to not stress over things out of my control, and remove negativity!

My health- physical and mental, suffered severely this year... it is time to step back and focus on taking care of myself. I will always help others, but stressing over other lives and trying to help in ways that I am really incapable of doing- has to stop. I want to be healthy and be able to do the things I enjoy in life... my family- all of them, my pets, riding, working, being outside, going on adventures.

Blessings to all for a fabulous 2018! I wish you all good health, family, love, and the things that truly matter!

New Year- New Beginnings

I am not one for new year resolutions or stuff like that. But this year a lot will be changing in my life- maybe not so much resolutions, just change.
This year I made the step toward having my parents back in my life, and that has gone well. I am hopeful it will continue to progress so I can feel we are a family again.
my relationship with my daughter has been very strained this past year, for a couple reasons. But the main reason I believe, is because of the problems between her husband and I. I am going to work toward fixing that. The past cannot be forgotten, but we can learn and move forward. I want to mend fences with my daughter and have that closeness back, as well as have her husband be a part of the family.
I have made a commitment to myself that I am going to work on my marriage, bring the fun and love back and create the friendship that we sort of skipped over in the beginning. I want my life with my husband to be the best possible and I am willing and dedicated to do what it takes to see that happen, this year is the time for that to come together.
Also, it's time for me to put me first. No, I am not being selfish- I have given and given, putting my own well being on the back burner for so long. My marriage, my health, my mental health, my finances, and so many other things have been jeopardized in my desire to help everyone else. It is time to put my foot down and start saying no. Changes need to take place in my life, and they will. I will no longer go along with things just because I don't want to upset someone, or feel bad for them. Many things in my life are coming together so well and running smoothly, I can't put those things at risk for other lesser things that stress me out or upset others in my life.
I am truly looking forward to the future now. I feel really positive that a huge weight has been lifted, and another will be lifted in the next few days... I can be free of the negativity and move forward! 

just todays thoughts

I went back to work today, it's been 5 weeks since I worked! I need a reset button in my head- kinda forgot a few things. Feels good to be back at it tho! Can't wait to be back to 100% and able to work more hours. I'm hopeful to soon return to over 25 hours a week- which I haven't done since June.

I am not  yet fully recovered from surgery, so annoying! I m feeling better but there is still stuff I can't do, pain with some movements, bleeding STILL! I just want to back to normal! I am not a patient person!

It finally snowed today! And still is! not much on the ground, but it's a start! I want a white Christmas. And at least the air is cleaner to breathe now.

I'm fighting to keep somewhat of a holiday spirit this year. It's hard, but I need to. Looking at our tree with all the decorations the kids hung- puts a smile on my face, but also a tear in my heart. Not quite sure how to do this year... but I will.

I'm not big on new years resolutions and a new year new me thing- I figure if I want change and a different life just make it happen- NOW! why wait til next year? well, this year I'm doing it. It is time for change in my life, I will be a different person, I will be in charge of my own happiness and my surroundings. If I don't like something- I will either change it or remove it from my life. the past few months i have allowed too many outside influences effect me and my happiness and attitude, and it has done some serious damage. But also has been very eye opening. My life is a learning experience- and I have learned much this year.

I feel like it seems everything I say about the past year is focused on changes that took place in my home... not true. 15 months ago I moved some amazing people into my home and that did change my life. We have had many ups and downs- mostly ups! But my life has been affected by many other things, other things are what cause my depression, not them. Other things are what have brought me to become cold- not them. Most has been the past 9 or 10 months. Both positive and negative have happened, both have been eye opening.

I am hopeful for my future. A lot of disagreement and I am sure opposition to what I want for my future- but we will see.

600

In just a few hours I will turn 600 months old! Do you know what that is? that's a half century! Holy crap I'm officially OLD. 5 decades, 50 freaking years.
During that time, I have lived and learned! I have cried and laughed, lived in Europe and lived behind bars. I've practiced christianity as well as wicca, I have had a drinking problem, done drugs, and made bad choices. I became a mom, I married and divorced. I shot guns and have been shot at. I made porn, I owned my own business. I went to college after dropping out of high school. I have faced severe health issues including mental health. I have contemplated homicide as well as suicide. I had relationships with women as well as men. I have traveled, I have felt trapped, I have had more jobs than I can remember. I've been loved and hated, I took risks and didn't care what people thought of me- I have been me! I was told a thousand times I was a failure, my life would never be acceptable... I don't care if it is acceptable!
Who has to accept it? It's my life! No one should be judging my life and my choices. I am half century old now! and still feel I am being judged. Ya know... screw those people! I don't believe I will live another 600 months, but if I do- I plan to live it the same as the first- just as I please! Doing what I want to do, what makes me happy.
Happy 600 to me... 

And The Search Resumes... Again

For years I have wanted to leave this city. I have had a couple opportunities but never acted on them for various reasons. Every 8 or 10 months I get on that kick again about getting out of here. My dream would be to live in a town or less than 1000 people and no snow... that is the ideal life. Reality is, less than 10k people, and maybe no snow.
The more time goes by, the less I feel I have holding me in this place, and giving me more motivation to get out! Truly at this point all that is keeping us here is my husbands job. So my quest is to find him work that offers a comparable income.
My health can't take the city anymore, my physical health and my mental health! My COPD has gotten worse and will continue to as long as I live in this terrible air quality, winter brings out the worst in my joints. My depression has gotten so much worse this year and much of that could be improved by living in a place that makes me happy, and a place that doesn't get cold... winter is bad for everyone's depression! 
I guess I have always made excuses about leaving. I didn't want to take my daughter far from her dad and her grandma, I had a career, I didn't want to take my daughter out of school before she graduated with her friends, we can't leave my mother in law here without someone to care for her and check on her... and of course, my husbands job. All excuses.
My daughter is grown and on her own, and honestly- we have become a bit distanced (maybe moving away would help me deal with that distance because it would be physical not just emotional), I don't have a career- I'm disabled! My mother in law has amazing friends and relatives who are always near, and if we move we would always be within a day drive! And we believe she will eventually be moving as well. The idea of walking away from a 12 year job is a bit scary. He has great pay, incredible benefits and is treated really well. To give that up for the unknown is of course intimidating, but chances have to be taken.
I am at a breaking point. I truly feel my life depends on me getting out of this city. Sad but true. I hate to force something like this on Troy, I do feel like I am forcing the issue. But what do I do? Stay miserable and continue to decline with my health? I have tried so hard to be happy and stay positive and support him, but I am running out of energy and umph.
I have checked into a couple trucking companies in an area that isn't ideal, but it works! only a couple hours from here, small, not warmer, but no smog! And even a couple houses for rent for way cheaper than what we pay here!
It's still a dream at this point, but I am hoping and praying it becomes reality!

tangled emotions

Insane that I am being so affected by recent news. My first thought when contacted about it was what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? how do I even respond?'
My former mother-in-law, the woman who raised the man who abused my daughter, had a stroke and is not doing well... actually is now on hospice and not expected to make it even another day from now.
I am not a cold hearted person, I feel for her family. I am still fairly close to my nephew and his wife and kids. Altho I am sure none of the rest of the family would even approve of them staying in contact with me.
She was great the beginning of things, she accepted me into the family, she worked out a plan for us to buy her home, she started out a wonderful grandmother. Even before I even knew she had a son- she was a regular at a bar I worked at, I had been to her house and had some incredible memories with our crowd... then everything changed and she became a hateful woman, blaming myself and my daughter for everything. She kicked me out of my home, then changed the locks on a shared storage unit that had ALL of my belongings. She rejected her own grandchild from that point as well. It was hard not to hate her. But I get it, she was sticking up for her son, refused to admit he was guilty. I don't wish pain on anyone. She was once family to me- how can I ignore that fact? She hurt me, but that was so long ago... in a different lifetime! I have moved on, let go of my anger and resentments.
But I also feel guilty for having sympathy for her and her family. After all MY family was put thru due to them, the pain and lifetime of PTSD my daughter faces, the damage will never be undone- and I feel guilty for my family that I feel bad for hers.
my head is a mess with this! I hardly slept after talking to my nephew last night and getting the latest update. This really has me jacked up.
Live and let die I guess... time for me to really put her behind me.
I love my nephew and his family, I cared very much for most of that family, but have not had contact with them in a very long time. I pray they find the peace they need to get thru this all.