My Love
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
2 weeks post surgery
Well, i have been home recovering from surgery for 2 weeks now... it sucks! The pain from this surgery was the worst I have ever experienced- worse than after my c-section. The emotional rollercoaster has been hell... on top of the depression I am already dealing with, and other issues eating at my brain, this is truly more than I can take. Every day I wish I was dead! I am truly miserable. I want to go back to work, I want to get out of the house. But I can't walk much more than across the house before getting tired or hurting. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good, but I overdid it and pulled something or strained something that was obviously not healed yet- I hurt today. I have done everything I was told- get up and walk, don't stay in bed all the time, don't lift or bend or do anything that will cause further injury, blah blah blah. I just want to be better! I hate this! Once I can get back to a normal life I can focus on all the other bull shit in my life that I don't like and don't want to deal with. I have my follow up appt on the 11th, hopefully they will prescribe me hormones to deal with this crap better! Until then, I hide in my room crying, only coming out if I feel like my family wants me around, which honestly- I don't feel very much right now. Yes, it hurts, yes, it's probably just me. But along with all those friends who said they were going to come see me and bring me meals and be there for me and my family while I was down... yeah, no one wants to be around when I need them. Yep- feeling sorry for myself at the moment, deal with it- you chose to read this. Normally I am a positive person who takes on more than I can handle for as many people as I can, even thru the hardest times of my depression I do my best to come across positive. But I'm tired of faking it and don't have the energy to fake it! I am miserable! And I want out!
Monday, November 13, 2017
surgery time
Tomorrow morning I will leave my house about 6 am to head to the hospital. Check in at 7, surgery is at 8am... I am finally hving a total hysterectomy!
I've wanted this for years, but insurance makes it difficult unless there is a legit medical reason for it. And I finally have one... a couple actually. First, total hormone imbalance causing all sorts of trouble in my body. Second, they found a fibroid cyst under the lining of the uterine wall.
A few years ago I learned that over 70% of epileptic women stop having seizures after a hysterectomy! This is amazing to me! Gives me so much hope. It's not a guarantee, but it sure is worth having this done!
I am looking forward to having this done, being done with all the crap that goes along with having those parts. I am not, however, looking forward to the recovery. I have heard everything from a week to 6 weeks. I am planning on 3... I don't want to be in bed for a long time, I want to get back to work! I hate having to count on others to care for me... and to do the things I normally do around the house. I know I have an amazing family who is here for me and will support me- but I just struggle with that.
So when I wake from surgery my husband and my daughter will be there. I will stay one night at the hospital and come home the next day.
I've had a ton of support and sweet thoughts sent to me, It has helped me realize that it really is going to be ok.
I got this.
I've wanted this for years, but insurance makes it difficult unless there is a legit medical reason for it. And I finally have one... a couple actually. First, total hormone imbalance causing all sorts of trouble in my body. Second, they found a fibroid cyst under the lining of the uterine wall.
A few years ago I learned that over 70% of epileptic women stop having seizures after a hysterectomy! This is amazing to me! Gives me so much hope. It's not a guarantee, but it sure is worth having this done!
I am looking forward to having this done, being done with all the crap that goes along with having those parts. I am not, however, looking forward to the recovery. I have heard everything from a week to 6 weeks. I am planning on 3... I don't want to be in bed for a long time, I want to get back to work! I hate having to count on others to care for me... and to do the things I normally do around the house. I know I have an amazing family who is here for me and will support me- but I just struggle with that.
So when I wake from surgery my husband and my daughter will be there. I will stay one night at the hospital and come home the next day.
I've had a ton of support and sweet thoughts sent to me, It has helped me realize that it really is going to be ok.
I got this.
Friday, November 10, 2017
Dogs
Ever wonder what your dogs think or what they actually understand? What do they really want when they give you that look or keep pawing at your leg while you are reading?
I have six dogs in my home, they all have their own unique personalities, they all have their own ways of telling us things... at the moment- they are all sleeping!
My hound will come in the middle of the night and start whining, if I ignore her- she scratches at the bed frame. I get up thinking she needs to go out... nope! She jumps up and lays on my pillow. My lab will lift her paw when sitting in front of me, or put it on my leg. Whether I am petting her or ignoring her or talking to her- what is this? Maggie jumps, she tries to jump into my arms when she gets excited... which is all the time! I wish for a day I could just hear them, read their minds. Do they like the food we feed them? Why won't Sadie eat out of her bowl anymore? Why does Emily insist on eating on the sofa or in the chair? For the longest time I wondered why my dogs would randomly stare and start growling, then I realized they really do see spirits.
I love these dogs, some days they drive me insane with their barking, but I wouldn't trade any of them for the world!
I was raised with a dog, First Heidi- our german shepard, then Squirt- she was a total mutt! Then we got Ginger, she was a golden retriever. I grew up with Ginger, my high school years, my teen, all the times that I struggled. I left home, but I saw her when I visited my folks. It was hard to watch her get old, trouble walking, her eyes got bad. One day my mom called and told me she was finally putting Ginger down. that was rough, but for the best.
I always wanted to have a dog of my own, to raise with my daughter, but living in apartments, moving a lot, and not having the money to care for a pet made that not possible. I got her a dog once, she named him Pepper- he was a black lab. We had him for a couple years then we had to move and were forced to give him up. Grandma's brother took him, so my daughter coud still visit and know he was in good hands. Pepper was a runner, any chance he got he was out the door and running. He was eventually hit by a car and passed away.
I truly can't imagine my life without dogs. They make me smile when I'm sad, they comfort me when I'm sick, they keep me busy and give me purpose when I'm down. I know one day I will have to say good-bye to my sweet girls, but until then I will cherish every moment with them.
I have six dogs in my home, they all have their own unique personalities, they all have their own ways of telling us things... at the moment- they are all sleeping!
My hound will come in the middle of the night and start whining, if I ignore her- she scratches at the bed frame. I get up thinking she needs to go out... nope! She jumps up and lays on my pillow. My lab will lift her paw when sitting in front of me, or put it on my leg. Whether I am petting her or ignoring her or talking to her- what is this? Maggie jumps, she tries to jump into my arms when she gets excited... which is all the time! I wish for a day I could just hear them, read their minds. Do they like the food we feed them? Why won't Sadie eat out of her bowl anymore? Why does Emily insist on eating on the sofa or in the chair? For the longest time I wondered why my dogs would randomly stare and start growling, then I realized they really do see spirits.
I love these dogs, some days they drive me insane with their barking, but I wouldn't trade any of them for the world!
I was raised with a dog, First Heidi- our german shepard, then Squirt- she was a total mutt! Then we got Ginger, she was a golden retriever. I grew up with Ginger, my high school years, my teen, all the times that I struggled. I left home, but I saw her when I visited my folks. It was hard to watch her get old, trouble walking, her eyes got bad. One day my mom called and told me she was finally putting Ginger down. that was rough, but for the best.
I always wanted to have a dog of my own, to raise with my daughter, but living in apartments, moving a lot, and not having the money to care for a pet made that not possible. I got her a dog once, she named him Pepper- he was a black lab. We had him for a couple years then we had to move and were forced to give him up. Grandma's brother took him, so my daughter coud still visit and know he was in good hands. Pepper was a runner, any chance he got he was out the door and running. He was eventually hit by a car and passed away.
I truly can't imagine my life without dogs. They make me smile when I'm sad, they comfort me when I'm sick, they keep me busy and give me purpose when I'm down. I know one day I will have to say good-bye to my sweet girls, but until then I will cherish every moment with them.
Everyone should have a dog in their life!
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Visitors
Last night, and the night before, my grandma came to visit. I smelled that parfume, something that will never leave my memory. I felt her sit on my bed. I feel like she wants to tell me something- there is a message... but I haven't heard her speak, not felt a message. I expect another vistit. I loved my grandma so much- Gomma Kitty. She passed away while I was pregnant with my oldest, and has been with my daughter since. This recent experience has been the most powerful of any visits she has made to me, so I am excited to know why she is coming to me, what she is wanting to tell me. I miss her and think of her often.
I'm sure many of you don't believe this stuff, but I do regularly get visits, have energies in my home from those who have left this earth. I welcome them into my space. I love that I can experience this, I have always believed in ghosts or spirits, but not until my early 20s did I ever actually experience one.
I realized I had to be open to them, open myself to accepting what they wanted to show me- then they would come to me. Pretty amazing really. I have had people from my own life come to me, I also have energies from strangers- I usually dont understand why me, but I still try.
It has been and continues to be a fun and educational journey. Open your hearts and your minds- you will be amazed at the experiences you can have!
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
more brain damage
Every now and then I am reminded that I do have memory loss and other issues related to my seizures and the stroke. Today is one of those times. It is so frustrating to pick up something that has been a hobby for so many years and completely forget how to do it!
I learned to crochet while I was in prison... 12 or so years ago. I learned a lot of different stitches and patterns, I was actually pretty good for a beginner! I continued crocheting after prison, I enjoyed it and figured i could get even better and one day make gifts and blankets for my grand children and all that stuff. Sometimes I have to restart a project three or four times to get the stitch right that I am trying to do.
But today I completely just lost almost all my knowledge of crocheting! I picked up the hook and some really cool yarn ready to start a simple scarf for my daughter... I did the chain to start and then i just froze. Absolutely had no idea how to do the stitch I have done so many times on blankets and other scarves, I just sat here for ten minutes staring at my yarn! So I decided to try another stitch... nope, couldnt' figure that one out either. Drove me mad! I finally settled on a stitch that happened to po back in my head while fighting with this... Not what I want, but it will turn out ok.
So after all this, I have decided that I am really going to put some effort into my crocheting abilities. I am watching tutorials on YouTube, I am going to practice different stitches and see what they come out looking like, I will be able to crochet!
I have gone thru a lot of memory problems, short term and long term. They come up randomly, unexpected. I can be talking to an old high school friend and they bring up a memory- something big that everyone remembers- and I have zero recollection. I can go to the store and forget where I parked... this actually happens often! But never used to. I can remember things today and not remember the same thing tomorrow- if that makes any sense.
It seems to be getting worse. More often, bigger things, more types of things I forget... it's scary! What will my mind be like in 5 years? in 15 years? Do I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing where I am or who my husband is? I actually do! Every seizure causes more leisons on my brain- more killed brain cells, more brain damage. I average 5 seizures a week, sometimes a lot more. granted, they are way less severe than they were in the past, which I assume results in less damage, but it still happens. 5 seizures a week times 52 weeks times 5 years? My entire brain will be dead eventually! No, I don't really think like that- but it is an interesting way to see the possible.
Right now I focus on my day to day, and for the most part if my memory fails me, it isn't a big deal... but once in a while, things like today just really get to me.
I am planning to crochet my recovery away, so these tutorials are kind of cool!
I learned to crochet while I was in prison... 12 or so years ago. I learned a lot of different stitches and patterns, I was actually pretty good for a beginner! I continued crocheting after prison, I enjoyed it and figured i could get even better and one day make gifts and blankets for my grand children and all that stuff. Sometimes I have to restart a project three or four times to get the stitch right that I am trying to do.
But today I completely just lost almost all my knowledge of crocheting! I picked up the hook and some really cool yarn ready to start a simple scarf for my daughter... I did the chain to start and then i just froze. Absolutely had no idea how to do the stitch I have done so many times on blankets and other scarves, I just sat here for ten minutes staring at my yarn! So I decided to try another stitch... nope, couldnt' figure that one out either. Drove me mad! I finally settled on a stitch that happened to po back in my head while fighting with this... Not what I want, but it will turn out ok.
So after all this, I have decided that I am really going to put some effort into my crocheting abilities. I am watching tutorials on YouTube, I am going to practice different stitches and see what they come out looking like, I will be able to crochet!
I have gone thru a lot of memory problems, short term and long term. They come up randomly, unexpected. I can be talking to an old high school friend and they bring up a memory- something big that everyone remembers- and I have zero recollection. I can go to the store and forget where I parked... this actually happens often! But never used to. I can remember things today and not remember the same thing tomorrow- if that makes any sense.
It seems to be getting worse. More often, bigger things, more types of things I forget... it's scary! What will my mind be like in 5 years? in 15 years? Do I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing where I am or who my husband is? I actually do! Every seizure causes more leisons on my brain- more killed brain cells, more brain damage. I average 5 seizures a week, sometimes a lot more. granted, they are way less severe than they were in the past, which I assume results in less damage, but it still happens. 5 seizures a week times 52 weeks times 5 years? My entire brain will be dead eventually! No, I don't really think like that- but it is an interesting way to see the possible.
Right now I focus on my day to day, and for the most part if my memory fails me, it isn't a big deal... but once in a while, things like today just really get to me.
I am planning to crochet my recovery away, so these tutorials are kind of cool!
Sunday, November 5, 2017
disconnected
This past year I have had health problems- physical and mental. I didn't get out to do the things I usually do, I never went on rides with out friends, we didn't go to summer bbqs, never joined our friends at the bar... I just never felt up to it. Whether I was sick, or hurting too bad, or my anxiety wouldn't allow me out of the house, or even if the depression was so bad I couldn't face my friends...
I was a prisoner to my home. I missed out on so much! I haven't seen any of my friends this year, didn't do any of the things people are used to me doing. I have felt so disconnected from my friends and really, my life. I am that crazy super social girl who makes friends with everyone as soon as I meet them, I'm the one running around at every event I attend making sure I say hi to everyone I recognize. And this year my face and my hugs weren't anywhere... and in return I didn't get to see any of those faces or get any of those hugs. completely emotionaly separated from my friends and many who I consider family.
I know that has contributed more to my depression than it was in the first place. on the rare occassion I do see people- I light up and feel better. But then I am reminded that I am not a part of that life anymore, and whats worse (yes, a moment of self pity), very few of these people have even checked up on me- none have come by. So there goes my self worth out the window again and I fall back into the depression. Not that I base my self worth on my friends, but people who i think of as family and really would do anything to help them if needed- don't see the severity of my condition, or just dont care. I don't like to think that tho. I know these people have busy lives.
It scares me, really. Am I that far disconnected that I have lost these people? Will I have their support thru my recovery after surgery? Or if and when I get better from all of this- will they be there still, will I still have these friends?
Anyway, maybe this is a topic to take up with my therapist this week!
I love my friends and I love my family. I am very blessed to have the people I have in my life and beyond blessed to know that I am going to have people around me while I am recovering to help me and to care for my dogs and make sure my husband eats and and all that stuff!
I was a prisoner to my home. I missed out on so much! I haven't seen any of my friends this year, didn't do any of the things people are used to me doing. I have felt so disconnected from my friends and really, my life. I am that crazy super social girl who makes friends with everyone as soon as I meet them, I'm the one running around at every event I attend making sure I say hi to everyone I recognize. And this year my face and my hugs weren't anywhere... and in return I didn't get to see any of those faces or get any of those hugs. completely emotionaly separated from my friends and many who I consider family.
I know that has contributed more to my depression than it was in the first place. on the rare occassion I do see people- I light up and feel better. But then I am reminded that I am not a part of that life anymore, and whats worse (yes, a moment of self pity), very few of these people have even checked up on me- none have come by. So there goes my self worth out the window again and I fall back into the depression. Not that I base my self worth on my friends, but people who i think of as family and really would do anything to help them if needed- don't see the severity of my condition, or just dont care. I don't like to think that tho. I know these people have busy lives.
It scares me, really. Am I that far disconnected that I have lost these people? Will I have their support thru my recovery after surgery? Or if and when I get better from all of this- will they be there still, will I still have these friends?
Anyway, maybe this is a topic to take up with my therapist this week!
I love my friends and I love my family. I am very blessed to have the people I have in my life and beyond blessed to know that I am going to have people around me while I am recovering to help me and to care for my dogs and make sure my husband eats and and all that stuff!
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