Merry Christmas!

I have struggled with Christmas over the years~ loved it as a kid, not so much in my teens. Then I had my little girl and Christmas was fun again. She grew up, learned Santa wasn't real- and I let the spirit in me die again. Then my two Christmases in prison really made it hard for me. I lost an uncle on Christmas day one year, money issues have always made me not so merry.
But this year... no, I didn't have the money to spend, and I still have a lot of those negative memories... but I found my holiday spirit! I have realized there is no reason I can't change my attitude and truly enjoy Christmas time.
I pulled some friends together to pay it forward and give a little girl I don't know a good Christmas- that was the start of it all! to see the smiles and tears on that moms face, and to feel the true appreciation from the family. I send Christmas cards, over 50 of them! I talked my husband into driving downtown to see the lights, I have always loved this time of year- why not show it?
Last night we went to my mom in laws for dinner and gift exchange, I realized this is my family, this is who matters in my life. Why do I torture myself over losing my 'real' family when this is all I really need? We had Kayla and Dallon with us, it was perfect.
I always tell myself, and others, that I do my best to leave the past in the past... but in reality- it hangs over my shoulder trying to destroy every day of my life. Not any more! I see how MY past has affected my family, not only myself. I won't do this anymore. Time to turn over a new leaf! Next Christmas will be amazing at the McCann house! And there will be no regrets!
Merry Christmas to all of you! Merry Christmas to all my friends and family, to all our military and veterans, Merry Christmas to those who have no one, or no place to go. Merry Christmas to everyone! 

Happy Holidays! I am actually in the Christmas spirit a little bit! Yesterday was my 7th anniversary... Holy cow! my first 4 marriages didn't even total this long! Our marriage is far from perfect, but what is important is that we love each other, and can get thru the hard times. Nothing major to cause us to split up, no drugs or cheating or anything illegal going on- so why wouldn't we fight to make it work? I'm tired of giving up, because that is really what I did with three of the first four.
Squirrel! Back to what I was saying... I was away over the weekend house sitting and getting my ME time in, and Troy had to work at midnight last night, so we weren't able to do anything for our anniversary. So we went out tonight~ Dinner at Ruby River, then driving downtown to see the Christmas lights. 

I even turned Christmas music on in the car and was singing along! I was having a great time! I may not be a big fan of the holidays, but I sure am enjoying it this year. All we need is a little snow!
Tonight as we were coming home, we had to stop for milk... my husband finally realized something really is wrong with me. I totally fell apart in the car crying in his arms. My short term memory has been going, I try to laugh it off as just being spacy or not mentioning things, he hasn't really noticed how bad it is. He has teased me and made jokes that I'm getting old or turning blonde... but tonight he saw it for what it really is. I'm scared, it has gotten that bad. But I am so thankful that he sees it now, I don't have to pretend nothing is wrong, he will understand if I ask him something five minutes after he already told me. It is important to me to have him know and understand what is wrong and what is going on with me, his support means the world to me. But it is so hard to admit to myself, let alone to him, when something serious comes up.
A lot of new and worsening health issues that I am very hopeful to get answers about in the next couple months. But even if I don't get answers, I have my family to support me thru it all. 2015 is going to be amazing, I know it is! I feel it, I see things falling into place and calming down. I believe there will be less death of friends and loved ones, there may be illness, but I believe everyone will be strong this upcoming year! I unfortunately have some energy telling me I will lose one person this year whose passing will devastate me, but I cannot dwell on that! I cannot let that linger in my head all year. Death is a part of the life cycle, and if someone goes, they are meant to.
Christmas for me this year consists of the 50+ cards I sent out, and hanging cards on my wall that we get. Christmas eve we will be spending with my mother in law for dinner and gifts. And I plan to make a nice Christmas morning breakfast for the four of us. Next year I am going to decorate the house! Probably not a tree, but I can still decorate!
I think I am rambling, maybe I should stop.
Merry Christmas everyone, I wish you all a safe and happy holiday week.

Death Pretty Much Sucks

So much death surrounding these holidays. Two days ago my ex husband, who I am still very good friends with, lost his wife to brain cancer. She was a breast cancer survivor and just a few months ago developed aggressive brain cancer that spread thru other parts of her body. Johnna leaves behind her loving husband and mother and two kids- Morgan who is in her last year of high school, and Van who is only 7. Then today, just less than an hour ago, one of our Gold Star sisters, lost the love of her life, her husband to a rare form of leukemia. Houston fought so hard and was so very strong. They had no children, but so many close family and friends. I can't imagine what she is going thru... first she loses her brother in the war, then her husband to cancer- I have to say she is one amazing woman to hold it together as well as she has.
Two friends have recently lost their mothers to age related deaths. This doesn't make it any easier to accept. Wonderful, loved people who lived a full life... they have been a part of the kids and grand kids lives for their lifetime, and now gone. It is all a expected, but not easy. I dread the day I get a call about my father.
Another friend of mine lost her dad a few weeks ago, and after a conversation I had with her last night- I am a little freaked out. Her parents had been married 49 years, same as mine. Her dad committed suicide. My first thought when I heard this, what in the world does a man of that age have to be that upset about to feel death is the option? Then I learned last night this was not his first try. As we talked about her parents I heard my own voice echoing in hers, our mothers are like the same person, her mother has driven her away just like mine has. She is a control freak just like mine. Her dad was that unhappy with his life and in his marriage, that he felt death was the only way out. This is so very sad, but I understand to some point. At that age, he was probably a believer in 'til death do us part,' not divorce. I bet he loved her, just didn't like her. I know my dad loves my mother, but I also don't think he is happy. Years ago he cheated on her and the separated... I prayed for a divorce! And I was barely a teenager at that time! I learned tonight that my dad is now volunteering at a hospice center- talking to people who have days or even hours left. Very wonderful thing he does, but my first thought was he would rather talk to strangers who are about to die, than spend time with his wife... how pathetic is that?! Do I think he would choose death over more time with her? I doubt it. But I'm sure that is what my friend thought of her dad as well. 
My heart aches for my friends who are feeling the pain of their losses. And I pray for peace and acceptance for them.
Cancer is an evil disease that has taken too many people from my life as well as from the lives of people I care about. I am grateful for the treatment and survival of many tho. Suicide is something not enough people understand. People are suffering, not just looking for an easy way out.
To any of you dealing with a loss right now~ love and light to you all. If you are contemplating suicide~ please talk to someone, find a different option.

It's All Worth It

It is days like today that remind me that all those other days are totally worth it! This is why I love my life and where I am and who I am!
It is December 7th, my daughter turned 23 today. Not a big celebration, she's all grown up and off with friends. But I look at her and see such an incredible young lady- I did that! Not alone, but I have a daughter who I am so very proud to call mine!
December 7th, I was outside playing frisbee with my dogs and doing yard work without a jacket! How awesome is that?!
Then I see something online that grabs my heart. A woman looking on internet yard sale pages to find Christmas gifts for her 4 year old. The little girl has never shown interest or understanding of Christmas until now, and her parents are struggling to give her a Christmas. How can I ignore this? I reached out to my friends... I have incredible friends! This little girl will have a wonderful first Christmas!
I also messaged the woman to make sure she didn't mind me doing this- I know some may be offended by the 'charity' of it. I honestly believe she was crying as she thanked me! Which brought tears to my eyes! That's what Christmas is about! It's not about getting expensive gifts, or any of that crap... it is a season of giving. I, as well as a large number of my friends, understand what it is like to be in that situation. And we all believe in paying it forward! I am truly blessed to have the friends I do! And to have the chance to help this family understand the true meaning of the season. I am not at all a big Christmas fan, but this, more than anything, gets me in the spirit! This little girl will have toys and clothes, and things to open under the tree! Yes, some may be used, but I will make sure there are new things as well! I love helping others, it is who I am, it is what makes me feel complete!
This topped off my day perfectly! I feel amazing right now!
Please, during this holiday season, find someone to do something nice for. Whether it is helping give a family a Christmas, or giving a homeless guy a cup of coffee, or even helping that little old lady to her car with her groceries. Pay it forward~ remember the reason for the season- it's about giving.
Bless you all!

I'm Sick... And I hate it

Yes, I am sick. I am sick all the time~ That is what chronic illness is. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel terrible. I do my best to hide it when I don't feel well- I hide it from my friends, and from my family- even my husband. I don't like people worrying about me and fussing over me. So I struggle thru the rough days with a smile on my face, not showing the pain. But then once in a while I mention I don't feel good... it's not anything new, it's the same everyday thing, I just happened to mention it. So on the rare occasion that I do make it known that I am not at the top of my game, I get treated like I'm sick. I don't want to be treated like that, I also don't want to be treated like nothing is wrong, tho. It is so hard to find a middle ground. I need people to understand that I never actually feel good, most days are not good and I need that to be recognized without sympathy, just understanding. Help me! And the days that are worse than others, support me. The good days, altho they seem to be getting less and less, I need to feel normal- as normal as possible, but I can't be expected to act normal every day. 
I have become a terrible house wife! I rarely cook, I clean as much as I can, I don't do much of anything anymore. Part illness, part depression. Depression is obviously worse because no one understands, and I have a difficult time communicating how I feel so that they can understand better. It is all so frustrating! I live with three people, my family, who are all very loving and caring- but none of whom understand or help me. I feel like I am the only one who is responsible for everything in this home. I sometimes feel guilty asking them to do things because they all have jobs, I am the one who is home all the time. But they are healthier than I am, on days I have things that need to get done but feel like I can't even get out of bed- like today- I just want people to understand that I don't feel well, and maybe someone just once do something without me asking them to. My daughter does once in a while, she has seen my decline over the years, and she has always been helpful because she and I did it alone for so long. My husband used to help me a lot with dinner and other things... not so much now. I don't know what has changed, I do know he works his ass off to support our family, and is very tired when he comes home. I feel so guilty and seriously think sometimes this family would be better off without me. There is so much about my life I am not happy with, I sometimes think if I just packed up and left Utah that maybe some of it would improve. But I love my family, and I know they love me. So I struggle thru the pain, and I struggle thru the things that make me unhappy to find those things that do make me happy! There really is plenty about my life that makes me happy, I shouldn't complain. Just another one of those days I guess. 
Today I felt bad that I didn't feel good, and I felt like my husband was irritated with me for not feeling good. That is so frustrating! It hurts and it makes me sad. I know he just cares and wants me to be ok. 
I wish I wasn't sick, I wish I could be the person he thought he married, I wish I could be the mom and wife and friend I want so badly to be again! I hate being sick! But it is who I am, and it isn't going to change. I would give anything to have my full health back for one year... to go do all things I miss doing~ hiking, swimming, working. Going out drinking and dancing. Driving and being independent. But that's not going to happen. 
I'm sick, that's who I am.

LIFE!

Isn't life amazing? I can go from miserable to happy and feeling so blessed in just a day! Even on my miserable days I know that I have a good life.

I have more than what I need to be happy! I have my freedom, I have my family, and I have a home and food. I have friends who care, I have better health than many.

Today is nothing special, I am just pondering what I have.

There are so many people who dwell on the negative. Focus on material things. They don't look at it the right way. I have seen on Facebook complaints that someone only has a $1000 budget for Christmas gifts for their kids... really? Some people are lucky to have money for one gift! Not enough money to feed everyone you invited to that party? Think of those who will be having turkey cold cuts for Christmas dinner! Had to work on Thanksgiving? I bet one of the many people who can't find work would have taken the job! Only make $9 an hour? Better than not having a job! You couldn't buy that $350 sweater? Bummer! What about the hundreds of people who don't have a winter coat? Have the flu? yeah, it sucks... but it will go away! Think of the 7 year old who was just told his mom has incurable cancer and will be dead before he turns 9! 21 years old and don't have a boyfriend? I promise, it's not the end of the world!

I am so tired of seeing stuff like this! I don't have money for a lot of things, but I have the things that I need, and that makes me happy. I have more than one chronic illness... but it's not terminal and it's not as bad as some illnesses are!

I see pain, real pain, all the time. I have friends who have lost loved ones and struggle every day. That mom who has cancer- that's a friend of mine. And these people all find a way to smile every day, to be thankful for what they have.

I truly believe you have to go thru hell to actually be able to see the blessings in what we have always taken advantage of.

I've been homeless, I've lost my freedom, I've been hungry and unemployed. I've had my family abandon me. And I have these illnesses. I know what it's like to struggle. No one promised life was easy... but our attitude and outlook changes how easy it is.

My first few months in prison I looked at everything in a terrible light... poor me! My life sucked! Then I met a couple people who helped me see things different. And I embraced every moment I was there, I learned from it, I helped others, I took advantage of every possible resource to keep a positive attitude! And the day I walked out of there, I honestly felt a little sad that the experience was over. But I entered my new life with an incredible fresh outlook... And was grateful for everyone and everything!

Society has become greedy, it is really sad. I hope everyone at some point in time, has to go thru a situation that puts them at the lowest of lows.

This is life. It is the life we were given, and the life we have chosen. Make the best of it and embrace what you have!

LOVE YOU LIFE!