I have a bit of a rant today. Almost daily we hear about motorcycles going down, people being killed on bikes- or injured permanently. It breaks my heart, really! We love riding! It has been a huge part of our life together, and knowing that our lives are more at risk on the bike than in a car- is scary.
I have lost count of the deaths this year involving motorcycles, but in the past three days- 2 of our friends have been hospitalized and are in critical condition due to their passion for bikes. But completely different circumstances put them there.
What upsets me? More of the accidents this year, the fatalities this year- have been due to 'rider error', the nice way of saying they were being stupid. And that gives the rest of us a really bad reputation!
Watch out for motorcycles! Yeah, that's what we shove in everyone's face constantly during riding season... But if a motorcycle rider is not obeying the laws and is being wreckless- how can we fault a car or truck for being in an accident with them?
Friend #1- hit by a pick-up truck that didn't see him. No, he wasn't hidden- the driver just wasn't paying close enough attention or watching for bikes. He was life-flighted, has multiple broken bones and bleeding on the brain. I was told this morning that he is now awake... positive step in such a tragedy! But a long road to recovery.
Friend #2- this is going to upset some people. Riding down a canyon highway in busy traffic, pulling a small trailer. Decided he wanted to get home faster than the friends he was with and pulled out ahead. It is estimated that he was going about 100mph, witnesses say he was weaving in and out of traffic. He lost control and went down. He is lucky no other vehicles were involved- he could have been hit or run over by any number of vehicles, including a semi that he came close to sliding under. He has not been awake since they found him, multiple fractures, bleeding and swelling of the brain, oxygen tube- and heavily sedated (which I assume means medically induced coma).
I feel for each of these men, they are friends, we have ridden with both of them. Friend #1 is what most of us expect to hear when someone is in an accident on their bike. Friend #2... was just being an idiot. Sorry, but he was. Go ahead and be suicidal on your bike if that is what you want, but don't put others at risk, do that crap when you are out on the open road with no traffic.
Last week a couple died on their bike- going to fast for the turn they were making... they left behind 4 children.
Earlier this year I drove past an accident, all I saw was a mangled bike and a sheet over what was obviously a body. Later on the news it was said this young man was speeding and missed the turn.
These are the stories I keep hearing. It hurts to hear about dead bikers, but it hurts more to hear that it was their own fault.
I am not the safest passenger out there, I don't wear leathers, I almost never wear a helmet. I have friends who make these kind of choices as well. But most of these passenger friends trust their spouse with their life, the majority of my friends who ride obey the laws, ride smart and safe, and always think about the 'what if' at the next intersection.
Stop being stupid! Stop being an asshole on your bike! You have a family, you have friends, anyone who sees you go down has to live with that vision. Go ahead and make yourself a victim of yourself- but dont make others victim of your stupidity!
I trust very few people to ride with or allow any of my girls to ride with... and this is why!
Pretty soon people will start seeing motorcycles and riders as the casue of accidents, as a danger to the roads.... we have battled that stigma for a long time and finally got to a place where others respect us and watch for us... don't ruin that for those of us who respect the road and respect our bike.
Meanwhile I will keep both these friends in my thoughts- no one ever deserves this kind of thing to happen to them... no matter how stupid they act.
My Love
Friday, August 10, 2018
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Thursday Thoughts
I am pretty much fed up with people right now. I don't need your judgement or your opinions, I don't need the disrespect or lies, I don't need you approval for anything.
I have lived one hell of a life, and I have worked hard to get where I am today. Where is that? I am confident, I am proud, I am living my life for me and my husband. I have a beautiful home in a place where I have longed to be. I have earned every bit of what I have- including my right to speak my mind and shut out people who bring negative energy into my world.
Why am I buying a home? Because I can! Why did I get a third dog? Because my heart and my home have the room for an animal that was not wanted. Why do I care about a menial amount of money you owe me? Because it is a responsibility. Why do I not work? What do I do with my money? None of these things are any of your concern! Really! Worry about yourselves!
Today I have just had enough of being attacked and lied to and ignored and treated like shit!
I had an amazing short conversation with a very special woman today, she reminded me that my past has made me an incredibly strong person. My story has helped people. Why should I feel intimidated or allow anyone to put me down for being me? I have survived domestic violence, I survived being a single mother, I have gotten thru losing some of my closest loved ones, I survived prison- for hell sake! All with a disability that I fight every day of my life.
No one truly knows my entire story, no one knows what goes on in my head. No one understands the mental and emotional battle I fight every single day. Yes, I occasionally say things I shouldn't, I do really well at biting my tongue most of the time- but once in a while I slip and say what is really on my mind. Do I regret it? Hell no! I am not here to impress anyone, I am not pretending to be someone I am not. I am me- and proud of it.
Go ahead and hate me, talk about me, think what you want. But look at yourself and ask if you are so perfect to be judging me and my life. All I want is peace, I love more than I should- it causes me more pain than I can deal with at times. I care about almost everyone's well being- which has gotten me in trouble more often than I like to admit! People take advantage of good hearted people like me, it has happened over and over and over... maybe somewhere in my head this was one of my reasons for escaping the city... go to where no one can use me.
I am not an idiot, i can see thru the lies and the hidden agendas, I can feel your emotions, I can see your soul. I have overcome a lot in this life, I have experienced more than most- more than I like to admit.
If you want positive in your life- be positive, if you want positive from me- don't attack me, try understanding me. If you want respect- give respect, earn respect. If you want love, give love- openly, freely, honestly.
I believe it is tie for me to log off the social media world for a bit, and maybe even shut off my phone. I need to regroup, I need to meditate and get some grounding. Too much negativity and hurt lately, that needs to be cleared and forgiven... yes forgiven. That doesn't mean if you hurt me or fucked me over that it will be forgotten and put in the past, it means I will forgive you for what you do not understand, I will forgive your actions that caused me harm. It does not mean we are best friends again, it means I am clearing my soul and my mind of the harm you caused- you still have to live with what you choose to do to others.
I have lived one hell of a life, and I have worked hard to get where I am today. Where is that? I am confident, I am proud, I am living my life for me and my husband. I have a beautiful home in a place where I have longed to be. I have earned every bit of what I have- including my right to speak my mind and shut out people who bring negative energy into my world.
Why am I buying a home? Because I can! Why did I get a third dog? Because my heart and my home have the room for an animal that was not wanted. Why do I care about a menial amount of money you owe me? Because it is a responsibility. Why do I not work? What do I do with my money? None of these things are any of your concern! Really! Worry about yourselves!
Today I have just had enough of being attacked and lied to and ignored and treated like shit!
I had an amazing short conversation with a very special woman today, she reminded me that my past has made me an incredibly strong person. My story has helped people. Why should I feel intimidated or allow anyone to put me down for being me? I have survived domestic violence, I survived being a single mother, I have gotten thru losing some of my closest loved ones, I survived prison- for hell sake! All with a disability that I fight every day of my life.
No one truly knows my entire story, no one knows what goes on in my head. No one understands the mental and emotional battle I fight every single day. Yes, I occasionally say things I shouldn't, I do really well at biting my tongue most of the time- but once in a while I slip and say what is really on my mind. Do I regret it? Hell no! I am not here to impress anyone, I am not pretending to be someone I am not. I am me- and proud of it.
Go ahead and hate me, talk about me, think what you want. But look at yourself and ask if you are so perfect to be judging me and my life. All I want is peace, I love more than I should- it causes me more pain than I can deal with at times. I care about almost everyone's well being- which has gotten me in trouble more often than I like to admit! People take advantage of good hearted people like me, it has happened over and over and over... maybe somewhere in my head this was one of my reasons for escaping the city... go to where no one can use me.
I am not an idiot, i can see thru the lies and the hidden agendas, I can feel your emotions, I can see your soul. I have overcome a lot in this life, I have experienced more than most- more than I like to admit.
If you want positive in your life- be positive, if you want positive from me- don't attack me, try understanding me. If you want respect- give respect, earn respect. If you want love, give love- openly, freely, honestly.
I believe it is tie for me to log off the social media world for a bit, and maybe even shut off my phone. I need to regroup, I need to meditate and get some grounding. Too much negativity and hurt lately, that needs to be cleared and forgiven... yes forgiven. That doesn't mean if you hurt me or fucked me over that it will be forgotten and put in the past, it means I will forgive you for what you do not understand, I will forgive your actions that caused me harm. It does not mean we are best friends again, it means I am clearing my soul and my mind of the harm you caused- you still have to live with what you choose to do to others.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Update on my world
Almost a month since I have had time to write, life has been extremely busy since we moved! We are only steps away from owning this home and I couldn't be more excited! Things are falling into place here, Troys job is going well, I've gotten a daily routine with the house and yard, we have definitely found our happy place.
We adopted a rescue dog yesterday, bringing our fur baby count to 3. She is a 7 month old cattle dog mix and we are thrilled to have her!
Last week I made a heartbreaking decision to cut ties with my daughter. She is my world, my entire life, but there comes a time when a parent has to step back and realize when they are not wanted. When an adult child lies and keeps secrets, it is time to walk away. I tried for a long time to stand by and bite my tongue as I watched the choices she makes slowly destroy her life, tried to give advice and help her to see where those choices were leading. But she is stubborn like me, she didn't want my advice or opinions, she is determined to prove the world wrong. And as she does that I see where she will end up, my life has been there. It breaks my heart to see how much she has changed, she has become a person no one recognizes anymore. She doesn't see the big picture- only her immediate desires. We all miss her so much, we only want to see her happy and taking care of herself- but all we see is false happiness, fighting for something that will never be... while the rest of her life crumbles around her without her even noticing. My heart and soul are in darkness over this all, and to avoid my own self destruction- I had to remove myself... until she can see what is happening to her, until she can stop lying to me, to her family, to herself. Until she truly wants me to be a part of her life. Last year I had 2 suicide attempts and constant thoughts of ending my own life... I felt as if I had failed as a mother, I felt that my daughter hated me and everyone else who truly cared for her, I was able to find a little bit of hope a few months ago and lifted up out of that darkness. But it was temporary. She is back to the the same actions and behaviors, but worse. My heart cannot take it, I refuse to allow her choices and her attitude to destroy me again. I need to be well, I need to have my positive light- and sadly that isn't possible with the person she currently is. I hate that I have to do this- she is my entire world, my reason for being! But she has broken me, broken my spirit, crushed my heart, and darkened my soul. I can only pray for her- to learn and understand... and move forward with my own life. I will always be here for her to return when she is ready to be honest with herself and with me. So much damage has been done, I have no idea how it can be fixed- and it may never be. but hopefully someday we can move forward from all this. I love her with everything that I am.
My husband and I are living the best life we can, a life we have worked hard for and deserve! No one is going to dull that for us! We found our happy place, we found our peace- in a small town, away from the big city life and stress. I am healthy here, doing my best to be emotionally and mentally healthy.
We have some incredible friends here, who have lifted us up! Very positive energy from them always, help when we need it, and just real people- can't ask for more than that!
We adopted a rescue dog yesterday, bringing our fur baby count to 3. She is a 7 month old cattle dog mix and we are thrilled to have her!
Last week I made a heartbreaking decision to cut ties with my daughter. She is my world, my entire life, but there comes a time when a parent has to step back and realize when they are not wanted. When an adult child lies and keeps secrets, it is time to walk away. I tried for a long time to stand by and bite my tongue as I watched the choices she makes slowly destroy her life, tried to give advice and help her to see where those choices were leading. But she is stubborn like me, she didn't want my advice or opinions, she is determined to prove the world wrong. And as she does that I see where she will end up, my life has been there. It breaks my heart to see how much she has changed, she has become a person no one recognizes anymore. She doesn't see the big picture- only her immediate desires. We all miss her so much, we only want to see her happy and taking care of herself- but all we see is false happiness, fighting for something that will never be... while the rest of her life crumbles around her without her even noticing. My heart and soul are in darkness over this all, and to avoid my own self destruction- I had to remove myself... until she can see what is happening to her, until she can stop lying to me, to her family, to herself. Until she truly wants me to be a part of her life. Last year I had 2 suicide attempts and constant thoughts of ending my own life... I felt as if I had failed as a mother, I felt that my daughter hated me and everyone else who truly cared for her, I was able to find a little bit of hope a few months ago and lifted up out of that darkness. But it was temporary. She is back to the the same actions and behaviors, but worse. My heart cannot take it, I refuse to allow her choices and her attitude to destroy me again. I need to be well, I need to have my positive light- and sadly that isn't possible with the person she currently is. I hate that I have to do this- she is my entire world, my reason for being! But she has broken me, broken my spirit, crushed my heart, and darkened my soul. I can only pray for her- to learn and understand... and move forward with my own life. I will always be here for her to return when she is ready to be honest with herself and with me. So much damage has been done, I have no idea how it can be fixed- and it may never be. but hopefully someday we can move forward from all this. I love her with everything that I am.
My husband and I are living the best life we can, a life we have worked hard for and deserve! No one is going to dull that for us! We found our happy place, we found our peace- in a small town, away from the big city life and stress. I am healthy here, doing my best to be emotionally and mentally healthy.
We have some incredible friends here, who have lifted us up! Very positive energy from them always, help when we need it, and just real people- can't ask for more than that!
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Thurday night thoughts
Just some thoughts on a Thursday night. As I sit here in my wonderful little home- reruns of Criminal Minds on the TV, front door wide open and all I hear is the low volume of the TV. I've had some stresses this past week, but I have also realized how blessed I am.
We left everything behind that was safe, and moved to a world where everything was new, different, and unpromised... and unknown. Other than one thing- a friend, someone who has proven to be a true friend.
We came here only knowing one person (couple), we didn't expect anything of them- they have a life of their own here. But they call and stop by to check on us, to see if I need to go anywhere when I don't have a vehicle. They talk me thru bad days and listen.
We have met a few people here, made some acquaintances. I started a job. Every single day I love it here more and more. And every single day I am reminded why I came here, and how blessed I am to be able to be here!
My dear husband, a man who has never lived outside of the city, a man who doesn't like change, a man who has always been very content living inside the box... Changed everything for me and my happiness. He not only stepped outside the box- he tore it apart. He quit his job- giving up benefits and guaranteed income and top seniority, he left the city for a small town, no WalMart, no AppleBee's, no Starbucks... no stoplights! He is still adjusting, I giggle sometimes when I watch him- he still has a bit of urgency in... well, everyday life. I wake up on his day off and he is just getting home from washing the truck or running to town (the closest WalMart sized town is less than 10 miles) to get gas or a drink, even tho he could have gone 2 miles down the street. He struggles to just do nothing and enjoy the slow pace. But has decided he hates going to the city, back up north where we moved from, he has had to go a couple times and cannot wait to get out of that traffic and noise and everything else.
Troy and I have faced some difficult times, talks of divorce and such. But we didn't want to give up, we pushed thru our problems. He has put up with a lot from me- we are total opposites. I am loud and spontaneous, and always speak my mind... and when I want something I don't stop. I not only wanted out of the city- I needed out of the city. I needed this life for so many reasons. And I believe after watching my health fail a little more every day, seeing me have more breakdown and 2 suicide attempts. And how the general environment of the city and people affected our relationship- he finally saw how much this move would benefit us both and benefit us as a couple.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, and a supermoon eclipse. Greek Fest this weekend here.
I called my parents yesterday, it was so good to hear their voices- both of them. They sound good. I hope they come visit soon. My daughter is planning to come on the train in a couple weeks.
I love this quiet life, this slow pace. I have the perfect job- I make my own hours. Planning a large garden, maybe chickens some day. We have plans for the house, the yard, a garage... this is my life- this is our future.
And I couldn't be happier!
We left everything behind that was safe, and moved to a world where everything was new, different, and unpromised... and unknown. Other than one thing- a friend, someone who has proven to be a true friend.
We came here only knowing one person (couple), we didn't expect anything of them- they have a life of their own here. But they call and stop by to check on us, to see if I need to go anywhere when I don't have a vehicle. They talk me thru bad days and listen.
We have met a few people here, made some acquaintances. I started a job. Every single day I love it here more and more. And every single day I am reminded why I came here, and how blessed I am to be able to be here!
My dear husband, a man who has never lived outside of the city, a man who doesn't like change, a man who has always been very content living inside the box... Changed everything for me and my happiness. He not only stepped outside the box- he tore it apart. He quit his job- giving up benefits and guaranteed income and top seniority, he left the city for a small town, no WalMart, no AppleBee's, no Starbucks... no stoplights! He is still adjusting, I giggle sometimes when I watch him- he still has a bit of urgency in... well, everyday life. I wake up on his day off and he is just getting home from washing the truck or running to town (the closest WalMart sized town is less than 10 miles) to get gas or a drink, even tho he could have gone 2 miles down the street. He struggles to just do nothing and enjoy the slow pace. But has decided he hates going to the city, back up north where we moved from, he has had to go a couple times and cannot wait to get out of that traffic and noise and everything else.
Troy and I have faced some difficult times, talks of divorce and such. But we didn't want to give up, we pushed thru our problems. He has put up with a lot from me- we are total opposites. I am loud and spontaneous, and always speak my mind... and when I want something I don't stop. I not only wanted out of the city- I needed out of the city. I needed this life for so many reasons. And I believe after watching my health fail a little more every day, seeing me have more breakdown and 2 suicide attempts. And how the general environment of the city and people affected our relationship- he finally saw how much this move would benefit us both and benefit us as a couple.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, and a supermoon eclipse. Greek Fest this weekend here.
I called my parents yesterday, it was so good to hear their voices- both of them. They sound good. I hope they come visit soon. My daughter is planning to come on the train in a couple weeks.
I love this quiet life, this slow pace. I have the perfect job- I make my own hours. Planning a large garden, maybe chickens some day. We have plans for the house, the yard, a garage... this is my life- this is our future.
And I couldn't be happier!
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
healthcare, being disabled, and the system
I have been very lucky the past 10+ years to have good health care thru an employer- the first couple years of that was my own employment, then thru my husbands employer.
But now I am learning how screwed up our system truly is! When my husband left his job, that caused us to lose his insurance the end of that month- that was 3 days ago. His new employer does not offer health coverage yet, new company still working these things out.
So my first step was to contact our previous insurance provider about COBRA. Holy hell! they want more than double what we were paying to continue our coverage! That option is out!
So because I am disabled and receive disability benefits from Social Security, I decided to look into the Medicare option. What a freaking joke! Online, then call- told to call another number, hold 45 minutes, told to call a different number... that's the number that told me to call you! UGH! Apparently I have hospital coverage standard with my SSDI, but I have to subscribe to Part B and Part D- whater the hell those are! I try asking these questions and I get no explanations that make sense, only a bunch of mumble that I'm sure only makes sense to them! Finally take to someone who can help me understand what these are, and then I'm told the ridiculous amount of money they want for a DISABLED PERSON to get medical care! I get a minimal amount of money each month from the government, that I paid in. And they want me to give about a quarter of that back just for basic medical coverage- to be able to see my doctor! And that doesn't include the prescription coverage- that is an entirely different plan with a different cost, based on where I live. And I can't just sign up, no, that would be way to easy for these people! They want a form from my husbands employer stating I can't get coverage... since when does my husbands job have any thing to do with my disability and my need for coverage? They said something about signing up without penalty... wtf does that mean? They never did answer that question in a way I could understand it. Penalize me for trying to take care of my health? For trying to survive? Seriously, screw them! One woman asked if there was anything else she could do to help me... I said shoot me, and hung up.
I am honestly thrilled with what i thought would be the worst option of the three. The Healthcare Marketplace, or whatever they call it. I went online to check that out, entered my info and had a phone call before I was even done looking over the options. The guy was very nice and very helpful, he explained things in a way that people can understand and gave me the options I currently have... and they are the least expensive of all the options as well!
I am really upset over the whole thing with Social Security. I understand all the politics, and I hear people screaming for free healthcare, but there is a difference in someone who gets less than $1000 fixed income each month and someone who makes more than double that in a week. Disabled people should get free healthcare, at least the basic crap that is related to that disability. My medications cost roughly $500 a month without insurance- just the 2 that I need to be able to have any kind of quality of life, the 2 that keep me from being bed ridden. And my doctor won't call in prescription refills unless he sees me every 6 months, and that office visit is not cheap.
I am frustrated and fed up.
But now I am learning how screwed up our system truly is! When my husband left his job, that caused us to lose his insurance the end of that month- that was 3 days ago. His new employer does not offer health coverage yet, new company still working these things out.
So my first step was to contact our previous insurance provider about COBRA. Holy hell! they want more than double what we were paying to continue our coverage! That option is out!
So because I am disabled and receive disability benefits from Social Security, I decided to look into the Medicare option. What a freaking joke! Online, then call- told to call another number, hold 45 minutes, told to call a different number... that's the number that told me to call you! UGH! Apparently I have hospital coverage standard with my SSDI, but I have to subscribe to Part B and Part D- whater the hell those are! I try asking these questions and I get no explanations that make sense, only a bunch of mumble that I'm sure only makes sense to them! Finally take to someone who can help me understand what these are, and then I'm told the ridiculous amount of money they want for a DISABLED PERSON to get medical care! I get a minimal amount of money each month from the government, that I paid in. And they want me to give about a quarter of that back just for basic medical coverage- to be able to see my doctor! And that doesn't include the prescription coverage- that is an entirely different plan with a different cost, based on where I live. And I can't just sign up, no, that would be way to easy for these people! They want a form from my husbands employer stating I can't get coverage... since when does my husbands job have any thing to do with my disability and my need for coverage? They said something about signing up without penalty... wtf does that mean? They never did answer that question in a way I could understand it. Penalize me for trying to take care of my health? For trying to survive? Seriously, screw them! One woman asked if there was anything else she could do to help me... I said shoot me, and hung up.
I am honestly thrilled with what i thought would be the worst option of the three. The Healthcare Marketplace, or whatever they call it. I went online to check that out, entered my info and had a phone call before I was even done looking over the options. The guy was very nice and very helpful, he explained things in a way that people can understand and gave me the options I currently have... and they are the least expensive of all the options as well!
I am really upset over the whole thing with Social Security. I understand all the politics, and I hear people screaming for free healthcare, but there is a difference in someone who gets less than $1000 fixed income each month and someone who makes more than double that in a week. Disabled people should get free healthcare, at least the basic crap that is related to that disability. My medications cost roughly $500 a month without insurance- just the 2 that I need to be able to have any kind of quality of life, the 2 that keep me from being bed ridden. And my doctor won't call in prescription refills unless he sees me every 6 months, and that office visit is not cheap.
I am frustrated and fed up.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Rumors and Drama- Believe What you want!
In recent weeks and months I have made some major changes to my life... for me. The most recent change was this past few days, I made a choice to remove over 100 people from my social media... Honestly, there could have been a lot more, but this was a very positive start for me. Some of these people I have wanted to remove from my life for a very long time, but just didn't have the nerve to do it, others have been more recent decisions- the past few months. But now that I live away from the city, away from where I might actually see these people- I realize how very unimportant I am in their lives even better than I did before. And that I truly don't have a need for those kind of people.
Rumors started flying! I was accused of this and that, deleting people for such and such a reason... blah blah blah! And these accusations were from someone not even on my social media accounts! Get over yourself!
I made these choices based on who I am and who I need to be, who those people are- or were, to me. I don't need all that in my life anymore, when all it does is cause stress or hurt. And honestly, your opinion of me or my actions- doesn't affect me.
If those people want to fall into the games and believe the hate they are told- so be it, I don't need people like that in my life anyway! If they actually take the time to come to the source, and find out for themselves the true reason I removed them from social media and possible my life- then I know there is still hope for those people, and I am absolutely willing to talk to them and explain my reasoning. Many of those people won't even notice, but the ones who will- they have my phone number, or they can still contact me on social media- they aren't blocked, only deleted.
I am in the most positive and peaceful place in my life right now, I am making choices to improve my life and my marriage. I have only cried once since I moved- and being a parent that is unavoidable. But the depression is fading away, and the more I am able to distance myself from the toxic 'friendships', the better I will be. I know who has my back, I know who cares, and I know the people who are a positive light in my life. For me to move forward on the path I am on, this is what I need. After constant thoughts of suicide- I am no longer thinking of whose feelings I might hurt- I'm thinking about the life I am saving.
Many of those who were removed, I care very much for- considered them family. Yes, it was a hard choice to make. I will always keep them in a positive place in my thoughts, pray for them and hope they can find happiness in the damage they bring others, or at least see that they more than likely don't realize the damage and hurt they cause.
I need to take care of me. I am taking the steps to do so. If that offends you- I'm honestly not sorry. Because this is MY life, and I choose happy.
Rumors started flying! I was accused of this and that, deleting people for such and such a reason... blah blah blah! And these accusations were from someone not even on my social media accounts! Get over yourself!
I made these choices based on who I am and who I need to be, who those people are- or were, to me. I don't need all that in my life anymore, when all it does is cause stress or hurt. And honestly, your opinion of me or my actions- doesn't affect me.
If those people want to fall into the games and believe the hate they are told- so be it, I don't need people like that in my life anyway! If they actually take the time to come to the source, and find out for themselves the true reason I removed them from social media and possible my life- then I know there is still hope for those people, and I am absolutely willing to talk to them and explain my reasoning. Many of those people won't even notice, but the ones who will- they have my phone number, or they can still contact me on social media- they aren't blocked, only deleted.
I am in the most positive and peaceful place in my life right now, I am making choices to improve my life and my marriage. I have only cried once since I moved- and being a parent that is unavoidable. But the depression is fading away, and the more I am able to distance myself from the toxic 'friendships', the better I will be. I know who has my back, I know who cares, and I know the people who are a positive light in my life. For me to move forward on the path I am on, this is what I need. After constant thoughts of suicide- I am no longer thinking of whose feelings I might hurt- I'm thinking about the life I am saving.
Many of those who were removed, I care very much for- considered them family. Yes, it was a hard choice to make. I will always keep them in a positive place in my thoughts, pray for them and hope they can find happiness in the damage they bring others, or at least see that they more than likely don't realize the damage and hurt they cause.
I need to take care of me. I am taking the steps to do so. If that offends you- I'm honestly not sorry. Because this is MY life, and I choose happy.
Monday, June 18, 2018
The McCann Mansion
McCann Mansion
A lot has happened over the past couple months! We left the only place we have ever called home to go to a small town where we know practically no one. So let me back up to what led us here...
May 2nd I was doing yard work and something told me that Troy and I needed to drive to Helper to visit our friends there that weekend. It couldn't wait, it had to be that weekend. So I called my husband at work and told him our ride plans were off, we are going away for the weekend. And on Friday we jumped on the bike and headed out!
We had an amazing time! Not just hanging out with our friends, but the sights and the people and the energy. I could see the stars and the air was clean, there was no traffic and the people were so nice! By Sunday there had been so many signs that this is where we belong, that we just couldn't ignore it. We rode around looking at homes- to buy! Homes are about a third the cost of comparable homes in Salt Lake. Troy was looking into jobs.
We returned almost every weekend for 5 weeks. Troy got a great job offer, we found the perfect home...
On the night on June 7th we met with the owner of the home we ow call McCann Mansion, while she was passing thru Salt Lake, got keys and signed some papers.
And the morning of June 8th-- we pulled out of Salt Lake with everything we owned in our truck and a trailer... for good.
Happiest day in a very long time! I hate the city and everything about it! I have wanted to leave Salt Lake for years, the longer I am there the more unhappy I become.
I was sick of the filthy air and the traffic, I worried sick every day about my husband on his motorcycle- seems there is an accident every other day involving a bike! I am sick of being taken advantage of and unappreciated, fed up with fake friends. I know, those kind of people exist everywhere- but getting away from all the ones who have hurt me and those who were on the path to hurting me... can't get to me now. And my faith in good people is being restored in small town life. We were tired of all the hard work Troy has put in and we still live pay check to pay check, renting, and nothing to show for all that work.
Troy has a wonderful job here. I am still putting our house together and working on the yard as much as I can for now. Our dogs love that they have over a third acre to run on- and no neighbors to yell at them! We have unlimited places to go on the bike- without worrying about traffic!
We will be signing on this home about September first, it will be ours- forever. We can buy a home, have a place to live when we retire. We can also save money, finish getting out of debt, and make this home exactly what we want it to be.
My husband and I now live in a very small community just south of Helper, UT, and we absolutely love it! We have friendly neighbors, we have made friends with people who would stop what they are doing to come help out if needed. I can see the stars at night and hear nothing! It is truly my heaven on earth.
My husband was terrified to make this move, all he has ever known was Salt Lake City. But he knew he needed to step out of his comfort zone for his future, for his own well being, and for his wife. My health, my depression, my sanity... all things that have been on the brink of killing me. And I love him more than anything for it!
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