Women I have loved

As I am pretty sure I have said in the past, I am bisexual... The few days have had me thinking. In my life there have been a small handful of women who I truly cared about and wanted in my life forever. Jules was project, she had a lot of problems that I wanted to save her from. We had incredible times together, we really clicked. but she couldn't get off the drugs and stay out of jail... I still think about her all the time. Michelle was honestly the love of my life, we fought like sisters, but we could read each other, we could make each other laugh no matter what. Both of us married, but we still had that connection, one that I didn't think could ever be lost. When she got sick I struggled- I didnt' want to see her like that, I wanted to wait until she was better... then I realized she wasn't going to get better, so I saw her as much as I could. We talked- we both hid our feelings, of the situation at hand and for each other. Neither of us wanted to accept what was happening. The day I lost her was the worst day of my life. I hurt, I was devastated. My best friend, my soulmate- gone. I think of her every single day, I talk to her every day. I miss her more than I ever thought I could miss a person. Then there was Jennifer. We never met in person, we met online. messaged, emailed, then started talking on the phone. We wrote real paper letters that went thru the mail, sent gifts... she was amazing. We had talked about her coming out here to visit or even stay. Then one day she decided because I had a different view of this countrys political situation, that she never wanted to hear from me again! I was so lost and confused! Seriously- over a comment about the president? End a 3 year relationship? How did that even happen? I still wake up some days and want to text her, then I remember- she won't respond, she obviously isn't the person I thought she was... it isn't worth it. But I miss her.
I think some of this is tied to my depression. For sure the loss of Michelle affects me daily. But I have always felt my life was missing something, unless I had a female in my life- I just have a vacant space inside. I have my bestie who lives with me, and she fills a big part of that void I have had, but its not quite the same. I miss my Michelle, she could always fix things, she could always heal my heart and calm my temper.
I don't think I will ever find, or even search for, someone to fill that place again. I have my husband- yes, we have some problems, no we don't have the greatest communication, but i love him and he loves me and he will never give up on me.

another day in my miserable life

Another day of the battle. Not a terrible day, but I can't pull out of the funk I'm feeling. Yesterday was a pretty good day, today started out ok- but I just didn't feel good, and the depression seeped in fast. I hate the thoughts I have, I really wish I could just stop thinking about death. I don't really want to die, I just feel like it's the only answer to my problems. My family would have things so much easier without me to worry about. then I look at my dogs... they would miss me and not understand. Who would care for them and love them? They need me. People understand, people have other people to lean on... my fur babies would be lost if I was no longer here. Yes, I cry about this! I am literally hanging on because of my dogs! I care about my family, don't get me wrong, but I don't care- does that make sense? Nothing matters, they will get by without me... they may not believe it, but they will. I always wonder how they get by when I go away for a few days, but I believe they would figure it out and survive without me. I try so hard every day to find positive, search for a reason to smile, a reason to hold on for another day. But I feel like things are just getting worse. And my coping abilities are gone! My husband doesn't understand what is going on really, and he has no idea how to help me. None of the people really close to me, I don't think, realize how bad this really is. I wonder sometimes if maybe I should check in to a psych unit for a while... but really, I don't feel it would do me any good! And who would take care of my babies? I am alive right now because I worry too much about what will happen to my family and my dogs if I am gone... sad! I shouldn't have to remain this miserable, suffering in this pain every single day just because I feel a responsibility to my family! Maybe if they understood just a little, then they would try to help me... just a little. I stare at my pill bottles every day wondering if this is going to be the day I choose to take them all. I get behind the wheel of the car and ponder a fatal accident. The thoughts never leave. but I tell myself I can't- my dogs need me, who will make dinner tonight if I die? I fucking hate this life! I want it to end!

Hurricane Helpers

Desperately due for a more positive post! So here it is. A couple weeks ago Texas was hit by Hurricane Harvey, altho the coast was somewhat prepared for this huge storm, Houston got hit by insane amounts of rain. Flooding like no one ever could have imagined. Hunderds of thousands of people had to leave their homes with zero notice, unable to save anything. thousands of homes completely destroys, and almost the entire city suffered some degree of damage. No one was immune to Mother Natures wrath.
A friend reached out to me asking if I was interested in helping her out with some relief efforts. Turns out she and a couple friends had contacts in Houston, connections here, and were arranging to send a semi load of supplies. Within a just a few days I witnessed some amazing things, my faith in humanity restored. The first day I was involved- my carport was filled with donations! The night we went to load what was to be the first truck, we packed a 53 foot semi! In a matter of hours. Trucks and trailers pulling up one after another. We had tons of people helping to unload cars and trailers and transfer to the semi. It was amazing! Someone donated 25 pizzas to feed us all. Godfrey Trucking donated the truck and one of their driers donated his time to make the trip... it was all so amazing! That first night with that truck we were already realizing we would need a second truck!
When all was said and done, we had sent 4 fully loaded 53 foot semi trucks to Houston. They went to Grace Woodlands Church, where there were hundreds of volunteers to unload, organize, and distribute the donations. They sent pick-up trucks out to deliver supplies to those trapped and in need. We were able to helps literally thousands of people! We sent clothing and water, baby food and batteries, bug spray and life jackets! Really we had donations of so many things I never would have really thought about needing in a disaster like this.
Now, as Hurricane Irma is breaking apart over the midwest, we are preparing to send a truck or two to Florida. The Keys were destroyed, Miami, Jacksonville- flooded. We will be sending our support where it can be used the most.
We named our group of ladies Hurricane Helpers. We have a Facebook page so people can keep up on our efforts and contribute, we are hashtagging #hurricanehelpers. And we don't plan to stop with these tropical storms!
Did you know Montana and Oregon have been on fire for months? We know we can't save the world, but we sure wish we could! We are making contacts to see what we can do to help, if at all, with these places. One person cannot do a lot, but when each of those people pack up just one box, buy just one case of water or a package of diapers... and all those people come together- WE can make a huge difference!
~I May Not Have Much, But I Have More Than They Do~
This is my life motto, has been without me actually using it, I have always been one to give even if I really don't have anything to give!
Here are some of the photos taken of our Houston Relief efforts...

If anyone is interested in supporting our efforts, check out Hurricane Helpers on Facebook or contact me.
This has been truly a blessed experience for me, as well as a great distraction from everything I have been dealing with. People are amazing when we forget the hate in the world and remember to love thy neighbor.

What happened?

I never thought I'd be thinking about suicide. I never thought I woudl be writing about how miserable I am. I never thought I could hurt this much.
What happened?
I have been thru some really difficult times, some really crappy experiences. So how was I able to get thru all that... alone? And now, here I am, I have friends and some family who love me and support me and who I know are there for me and care... and I can't get thru this one! I feel alone, altho I know inside I'm not. Why? Because I have finally opened up about my pain and my thoughts. 
What happened? I got weak, I let my walls down. When I was young I had a heart of stone! Nothing could break me- no matter how much I hurt. I went thru physical pain- that doesn't hurt like this. I went thru heartbreak in relationships- this is totally different level of heartbreak. I went to prison! My entire life taken away, my freedom taken away, my future, my family, my possessions... all gone. One would think that would push someone over the edge. No, that gave me more strength! But it also gave me a heart. As did having children. I softened. I started to care. That's what happened! I act strong, I say I dont' care... but it's an act... 
I can't keep up that role anymore, I had to let people see inside me or I was going to self destruct. And now, even tho I have allowed myself to be seen as the human that I am- I am still self destructing. With some help from the outside world, of course. This pain isn't just made up crap in my head- it's real, it's outside influences hurting me. People and situations that I have no control over... but they have gained control over me.
I let that happen. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And now I pay the price.
This is not how I saw my life, or my death. This is not how I wanted things to be- ever.
As I said earlier, I have lost hope for any change, but I am still hanging on to each moment that makes me smile, to each thought that reminds me I can't leave. It hurts- I feel that continuing to exist is a responsibility at this point, not something I want. yes, I said exist- am not living anymore- I just exist.
What the hell happened to me?

Suicidal Thoughts Run Deep

Another day of pain, another day of not being able to handle the pain. Another day of feeling like there is only one solution. Only one way to make you understand how I feel. We were once best friends, now you won't talk to me. Everyday something happens that breaks me a little bit more. You were my life, now I don't know what my life is without you in it. Everything I've done- for you. And now? I am empty. Lost. Broken.
I cannot go on seeing what has become of your life, how you are being used and abused. I cannot bear to not be part of any future you may have planned. I cannot stand that you don't care anymore. I cannot go on without you in my life.
 No one understands, no one can really see what is happening inside of me. They think I'm strong and I will get thru this depression. This isn't depression, this is life altering, soul shattering heartbreak that I cannot recover from.
I have a plan. Yes, it's that serious. Suicide is no longer a passing thought- it is something I have thought long and hard about, thought out ways that wouldn't be too painful or messy. I have a plan. I fight it every day, tell myself I can hold on just a little longer to see if maybe things will change... then I have a day or two that seem ok. Then I hear something about you, or I see that you did something or something else happened... and it just twists that knife a little bit more in my heart. Pushing me that much closer to the end. I reached the edge a while ago, now it's just a matter of reaching the end of that edge. How many steps until I fall off?
I can't fight these thoughts anymore. I know the pain it will cause others, but what about my pain? No one understands how bad it is. I ask myself all the time- what am I waiting for? Nothing will change, you will never see things from my eyes- or anyone elses for that matter. Something serious has to happen before you will get it. And maybe this will do it! I am willing to sacrifice my life in an attempt to save yours. But even if it doesn't help you see things, at least my pain will stop.
I don't want to hurt anyone. But how do I prevent that? You don't care, so why should I? Yeah, that's pretty much my new found attitude. You were my world... and you are gone.
I have considered getting help, I even started seeing a therapist. But I now realize there is no help, I am beyond that point... I don't think I want help anymore.
Forgive me, all I ever did was love you and try to give you the best life I could.

I just can't...

I've had amazing distractions recently from all the depression, doing charity work and focusing on helping others makes me feel great! But eventually reality sets back in, and usually harder than before... 
How am I supposed to do this? Any of it? Just when I think my heart can't be destroyed anymore- it is. Just when my financial stress gets to a point I think we are going to be ok- another unnecessary expense... and it goes on.
Homicidal? yes. Suicidal? oh yes! Homicide would only solve a part of my problems. Suicide would just remove me from all of it, and my pain would stop. Others would hurt, that's really the only reason I hang on- I worry about how I would hurt others and the effect it would have on them. Why do I even care about that? Doesn't my pain matter? To anyone?
Yes, I feel alone again. Yes, I feel like my thoughts and opinions on things don't matter. Yes, I feel like I just want to not exist anymore... again.
Still broken hearted, my reason for living has walked away from my life... I have given up on hope, I have given up on pretty much everything. I just can't do it anymore.
I can't keep hoping, I can't keep trying. I can't keep hurting.
I'm in a place that I am slowly and painfully allowing my surroundings to kill me... or I could do it quick and painessly.
Everyone says I'm so strong and such a tough fighter. I've been thru a lot on my life, and I have fought thru it all and come out a stronger person. Not now. I am weak, I don't have the fight or even the desire to find the fight.
I'm just done.