Heart Mind & Body... an update

A lot has taken place the past week. And I know a lot of friends are wondering how I am doing.
My mind... The anxiety got to a point that was destroying me mentally as well as physically, but as of this posting- seems to be getting a bit better. I have been out a couple times, today I actually had my husband drop me off at the grocery store and I was able to do most of my shopping solo. Doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but for me- it's huge right now. I saw my therapist today- I feel like a lot was accomplished and I really did feel better after leaving her office. I am setting small goals every day, things to get done without anxiety or emotional breakdowns. And I feel good about being able to do the simplest of chores! I am focusing more on the positive and less on the negative, what I can do rather than what I can't do. As for the depression, I have realized I need to stop dwelling on the things that I cannot control, and again, focus on the positive- the things I can change. My memory is having trouble again, the short term stuff I have had problems with in the past. It is very frustrating! My thoughts get scrambled, I forget what the topic is in conversations occasionally.
My body... well, I certainly don't feel 30 anymore! The aches and pains are almost entirely back to where they were 3 years ago. The random stabbing pains, feeling like my muscles are being squeezed, I am constantly getting cramps in my feet. My knees are getting weak, my right hip is locking and aching again. And I've been having trouble with a very stiff and sore neck the past couple days. On Sunday I talked myself into going on the Fallen Officers Ride, I knew it would be a low impact ride and I really wanted to do this. I knew I taking chances... and sadly, the strength I found to got on the bike that morning did not last thru the day. I had a bit of anxiety prior to the ride, an attack that caused a small seizure. Then a few miles into the ride same thing happened... my amazing husband got us off the road and stopped in seconds, and before I knew it I had a couple of our ride friends, a police officer, and Provo Fire Dept medic by my side. Thank the gods it was small, and I had my magnet, and such amazing people watching out for me! After a few minutes I was up and back on the bike. A few miles later is when my hip started bothering me- and did for the remainder of the day. Other than that- it was an incredible day and I would do it again! And I am this Saturday! Each day I feel myself getting closer to needing to use my cane. On the up side... my tennis elbow is almost entirely recovered! I have almost full range of motion and very minimal pain!
My heart... ouch! I am still at a loss as to how to repair this, I honestly don't think it ever can be fully repaired. Since my last post I have had so many friends reach out to me in support and that has been huge in lifting this darkness that has surrounded me. Altho no one really understands the pain, they are there for me when I have my breakdowns. Yesterday morning I woke up, looked at my phone and saw that I had a text message. I unlocked my phone and clicked messages and there was the most beautiful thing anyone could ask for... a photo of the daughter I gave up starting her first day of 8th grade. I knew it would be a good day! She isn't really a part of my life at this point, but I have hopes of a future friendship. These little things warm my heart. Then later in the day my other daughter, who I never talk to or hear from, posted on facebook that she loves me. That actually brought tears to my eyes. She doesn't understand the love I have for her, she doesn't understand the things I say are meant to help her... She doesn't understand how much I hurt because of her. Every little action or word I have to remind myself that I cannot change her choices, I have to focus on the things I can change and distance myself from the things that hurt me. This week I had a moment of... well, I had a complete breakdown realizing something that is rather life changing for me... I cried and cried, really all I can do- and accept it. 
20 years ago if someone had asked me where I see myself at 50- I wouln't have said anything near where I am now. Married- yes. The rest, any of it- no. Pretty hard to swallow. More accepting things the way they are... things I cannot change.

A New Chapter

It has become obvious to some that I have not been myself lately. Some show concern, some are actually getting angry... a very few have reached out offering true help and support. But I feel I should explain what I'm going thru that has caused this change in me... and what I plan to do to change it!

As many know I have been dealing with severe depression in recent months, depression like I have never experienced. Uncontrollable crying at the drop of a hat, suicidal thoughts, hiding in my room... playing with dark magic and thinking of ways to make those people causing me pain- to bring pain to them.

2 months ago I got the job I have been wanting for a long time. But the universe apparently was totally against me having this job- I got sick. Things kept happening- a pulled muscle, an infected bug bite, a bulged tendon, then an allergic reaction to antibiotics and the flu... by the time all that was over, I realized that job was not meant to be. So I quit. My depression was pretty bad, my chronic fatigue was coming back, and I was experiencing quite a bit of pain. I decided to go back to the job I was comfortable in, I returned to 7-11 explaining that my health had declined and I needed to limit hours and get myself better.

That lasted less than 2 weeks. My anxiety kicked in worse than ever, debilitating. I was in bed most of a week- and am still battling it. So bad that it has been triggering seizures. The depression had me having suicidal thoughts for a few days. I have dealt with my depression fairly well I think, but when I stack anxiety and pain and fatigue and whatever other ailments I'm experiencing, combined with financial stress and feeling useless because of all these things... I couldn't take it. I mean why stick around? My daughter doesn't need or want me in her life. My other daughter has amazing parents and really doesn't even know me. I feel I'm a burden to my family if I can't help around the house or bring in any income- and at times have to be waited on an helped with the stupidest of things. I was truly at the end of my rope and feeling 100% hopeless.

Thank the gods I have an amazing family and a few good friends who cared enough to reach out to me, and my angel. I have 3 teenagers who make me smile every day, and really do count on me for things. I have my Katina- my soulmate sisterwife, she understands everything I am dealing with. My husband does his best to understand, and even tho he doesn't get it all- he is so very supportive and helps me with whatever I need, he is so patient with me. And TC, my 'other husband', he makes me laugh and I can talk to him about almost anything.

Last week I was scared, scared of my thoughts- of myself. I told my husband I was considering having him take me to Uni. But I got thru the weekend somehow. And Tuesday morning something happened, I felt my Michelle with me. She was a true fighter, she never gave up and she never let anyone see her pain. Then a light entered my home, a white energy that lifted some of my tension and gave me that much more strength. I called for an appointment with a counselor- whom I met with today and have future appointments with.

I will get a handle on my depression and anxiety, I will eventually figure out why I am so sick and what, if anything, I can do about it. I won't give up, I won't be defeated. I hurt- in my head, in my heart, in my body... but I will not let that pain win.

I want so many things to be different, not just for me but for others I care about. And when I see that I can't fix things- it hurts that much more. I'm the kind of person who has to fix things and when I can't it makes me feel I have failed. I the kind of person who needs to understand why things are the way they are, and when there is no reason or explanation- it is upsetting to me. I don't understand where my anxiety is coming from, I don't know why I am getting sick again. I do know the main source of my depression- altho it isn't just one thing, but I can't fix it- I can't change what is causing that pain.

So my new chapter? FIGHT! fight for me. Distance myself from the negative and the sources of my mental and emotional pain. Keep seeing the therapist. Keep my family and my support system close. Forget about the little things and focus on ME.

I'm sick, that's the bottom line. I won't be returning to work for a long time- if ever. I won't be going on rides much, going places alone- or going many places at all, for quite a while. My life changed this past couple months, I don't know that I will ever be the same again... But I thought that a few yeas ago and I did get better for a couple years. This is worse, I know, so I don't have high expectations for my overall health, but I will get a handle on the depression and anxiety.

This next chapter is going to be rough, but I know I can do it. Thank you to those who have reached out, prayed, and shown support.

...

And again I just wish I could disappear... It would make everyone's lives so much easier.

Scrambled Thoughts

My thoughts are a scramble right now. I have so much on my mind, but I can't focus to write... but I want to write! I really don't like this! Depression is a terrible thing!

My health is declining, it scares me. I don't want to be that person who can't do things, can't work, can't go out. I don't want to be that person who feels like a burden to those around me. The chronic fatigue is back, the fibro aches and pains are back, the fog is back... it's almost like I went into remission for 2 years and am now coming out of it.
I had a scary reality this weekend when my dear friend, my daughters grandmother, was hospitalized. She has not been in the best of health in recent years, but never have I considered the thought of her not being here... until this weekend. She had another small stroke and some liver trouble and dehydration... she's ok and out of the hospital. But this was a real wake up call for me, I was terrified. I'm not ready to lose her. She has been there for me since I met her 27 years ago.
I have an amazing family. And by family I mean the people who live in my home and share my life. I feel there are times they think they are a burden or think I would be happier if they weren't here... that is so far from the truth for me! These people- all of them, adults and kids, have changed my life and have helped me in ways they will never understand. Yes, I suffer with my depression, but that isn't their fault and they can't fix it. They bring smiles to my face when I am in tears, they help me see the good when all I can see is bad, the kids have brought new faith to my vision of our future... just having people around me helps me.
My zoo- my 2 dogs, my familys 4 dogs, my 2 cats, lizard, and snake... yes, it's a zoo and yes, it gets a bit crazy to say the least! There are times that I wish I could get rid of three of these dogs, but then I think how much I really adore them and they are family. Then a couple days ago I get told by a neighbor that there have been complaints from more than just one person in the area about the noise from our dogs. What do I do? I can't just get rid of them, but if I don't do something- someone is on the brink of calling animal services and they will come take the 4 dogs that aren't registered... no questions asked. I am at a loss with this.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about. Yet all I can seem to do is stay in this dark place over the one thing that matters most, the one thing that has me lost and broken. I need to find the strength to see past it for now and focus on those positive things in my life. I cannot change how other people choose to live or think, I can only hope that one day they will see what everyone else sees. I cannot fix the wrongs, I have to sit back and watch a life self destruct.
Yes, my thoughts are scrambled! I sit here watching American Ninja Warrior and thinking about working (which I can't do but plan to anyway), I have 3 little dogs on the sofa between me and my bestie, while my lab is chasing flies around the house. I have a comfortable life, I am content for the most part. Watching tv with my besties and hubby and pets- nothing better.

Failure

Of course- I had half a post written last night, and because my brain and eyes were tired I put it on hold... and end up deleting it all and starting over. So on with a totally different topic...

Have you ever felt like a failure? Not like the typical "oh, I failed at being a mom cuz my kid smokes," or "I am a failure as a friend because I forgot your birthday." I mean really feel like a failure- in so many aspects of life that you just feel you have failed in general. That's me.

I know, I have done a damn good job with what I've been dealt in life. I have accomplished a lot and succeeded in so many things I set out to do... but with as much as I have let people down, including myself, and the failures I have had...

I am almost 50. When I was young I saw myself having a great career and family, being active and living the life I wanted. HA!

As of today I am officially unemployed- again. this is devastating to me. I can't hold a job, well- not the job I want! My health is declining more each day and I see where I am headed in the next couple years if not sooner. I failed myself and my family. My husband wants a fun active life of being out on the motorcycle, spending time with our friends- and me... and all I can do is sit home because Im sick.

People say they failed as a parent... really? Did you raise your kids? Are you in their lives? Do they visit you? I can't say yes to those things. I raised my oldest with a lot of help from my mother in law, I went days sometimes not seeing her, then when she was 12 she was taken from me and I didn't see her for almost 3 years. My youngest is still a child, but not part of my life really- why? because I failed again- at marriage that time. A 4th failed marriage caused me to lose my youngest at a year and a half. My first contact with her was when she was 12, I've seen her 3 times. Neither of my kids chose to visit or contact me, the youngest is understandable. The oldest is my big failure... We were once close, best friends. But things changed- she got married and moved away, her head has somehow been filled with negative about me and I can't change that.

My health- I can't control my health, but I feel I have failed myself, failed my family. I am sick again! I can't work- which means I can't make money to contribute. It means I again feel I am a burden in more ways than just financial, on my family. I fail my friends too, when I am sick. I make plans, then I have to cancel. And eventually they are no longer there for me... just as I am terrified my family will eventually do. Which brings me back to failing myself- being alone.

I know, a lot of this is my depression talking, but really- why wouldn't I be depressed? Quitting my job today was a big blow for me. The realization that I again am too unhealthy to be working... I failed at yet another dream...

The Dark Side

Being a witch I, for the most part, trust in Karma to handle the people who bring bad energy into my world. I believe in peace and love and all that stuff...I don't believe in paybacks or dealing with a situation with a hands on kind of negative approach.I also, as a witch, have the ability to manipulate things in a positive manner. There is good magic and bad, just like good and evil- there are negative outcomes to messing with bad, or dark magic... it is something most who consider themselves true witches don't meddle in!
But when a person has tried all forms of patience, waited for karma, waited for people to see their own faults or see the faults in others. Watching helplessly as lives are being destroyed... there comes a point on time when drastic measures are called for.
Recently I hit that point. I didn't start out researching dark magic- i was researching a way to correct the wrong, to protect the innocent, to block the damage. As I was gathering supplies for what seemed a harmless spell and potion, I learned more about the ingredients and the power of them. I learned the dangers. I realized I was playing on the dark side. I hesitated for quite a while- did I really want to do this? What kind of backlash would there be? if any. And what if it worked better than I hoped?
I didn't care. I was scared, I was hurt, many lives are being affected... something needed to be done.
So I did it.
A couple weeks later, I hurt my hand, then got a bug bite that got infected. Then this then that... I have literally been a medical disaster for about three weeks now. Is this my bad karma for what I did? Could be. Would these things all have happened anyway? Possibly. But I'm not taking any chances. Tomorrow I will be undoing the spell and releasing my power over the situation... and just continue to pray to the gods that things change.
No amount of witchcraft- white or dark, can fix things if they aren't meant to be fixed. We can't force change or avoid the inevitable. Yes, we can manipulate some situations to be easier or less hurtful, we can push events to happen sooner or better, or even slow the outcome...
So meanwhile I sit, with my heart and soul on a dark side,wondering if anything will ever be right again, wishing I had the ability to open peoples minds and see what goes on inside.