So much has been on my mind... work, money, family- and lack of. And moving. That is always on my mind! But it is getting to be closer to reality! Credit scores are improving so we can actually start seriously considering home purchase. My only issue is that I desperately want out of Salt Lake County, but Troy has a great job.
I was looking online at homes- my search was for homes with at least 5 bedrooms and 2 baths. No, Troy and I don't need a home that big... but we have a family! I have these amazing people living with me who are my family and I have no plans to ever move without them or force them to leave my home- they are my family, and I am truly to a place that I can't imagine life without them here!
We have some debt to clear up before we can consider purchasing, but if I don't dream it- I can't manifest it- right? I start my job finally this week, Katina probably has a new job much closer to home, TC is looking for work, and Troy is driving for Uber more... we will get on top of things and start working toward our dreams!
My depression is still bad, but I know once I start working and finances get a bit more stable, the depression will start to lift a bit. Nothing will take it away as long as other people I care about continue to allow their own lives to be destroyed, and the bonds I once had stretch further apart. But I can't do anything about that, I just need to be distracted, and believe that one day things will be better.
I started a huge project in the yard that took almost 2 weeks- that was an awesome distraction from everything, altho it was difficult to work when it was 100 degrees outside! most work was done before 10am and after 7pm! It may not be my house, but it is my home and I will continue to do things to improve it as long as I am here.
I'm happy that July is about done, least favorite month of the year! I don't like the fireworks! August may be the hottest month of the year, but that's when the good rides are and it's closer to September... when it starts to cool off.
Went for a 22 hour road trip this past week... went to pick up 2 of the kids friends, one from St. George, one from Blythe. Drove straight thru. Pretty fun but very exhausting. They came up to experience the 24th of July... strictly a Utah holiday. A little stressed having 2 extra people here, but for the most part they are very good kids.
Just a reminder to anyone who reads this... it's ok to not be ok- depression sucks, but you don't have to do it alone! Reach out for support!
My Love
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Thoughts...
What a week it has been! Before you write people off from your life, decide to hold grudges, leave for work without an "I love you," think of the what ifs...
Last week an acquaintance of ours was riding his motorcycle, just enjoying the day... a deer jumped out and he collided with the deer and was killed. A dear friend of ours went in for surgery to remove a tumor- yes, cancer. During surgery an artery was nicked and a lot of blood was lost. There were moments during her surgery they were unsure if she would make it, but she is strong and will make it. A couple good friends were riding the other day, and no fault of their own or any other vehicle, they went down on their bike- sliding quite a ways. Pretty banged up, but survived. A dear friend received a call yesterday that his brother had been murdered. How do you even wrap your head around that? A blessing he had seen his brother the week prior, but it's just heartbreaking.
Then today... I see a photo on facebook of my cousin and my aunt(who passed a few years ago) from 30 years ago, with a comment from another cousin "together again." WTH?! I had to message my cousin to find out what that meant. Did he die? Suicide? Yes, he passed away. They believe he had a heart attack but nothing confirmed at this point. Of my cousins on the Smith side of my family, Sam is the first to pass. He was about ten years older than me... too young. When did I last talk to him? December I think- and he was not in his right mind! So rather than trying to have a good conversation, I ignored the things he was saying and pretty much blew him off.
I am so very grateful for this second chance with my parents and beyond thankful that nothing happened to them while we were apart. I would just die if I had missed the chance to tell my parents I love them, and for them to die thinking I hated them.
A lot of loss and a lot of close calls... Tell people you love them every chance you get. Let the petty crap go, it's not worth it. Forgive, love, cherish every moment!
Last week an acquaintance of ours was riding his motorcycle, just enjoying the day... a deer jumped out and he collided with the deer and was killed. A dear friend of ours went in for surgery to remove a tumor- yes, cancer. During surgery an artery was nicked and a lot of blood was lost. There were moments during her surgery they were unsure if she would make it, but she is strong and will make it. A couple good friends were riding the other day, and no fault of their own or any other vehicle, they went down on their bike- sliding quite a ways. Pretty banged up, but survived. A dear friend received a call yesterday that his brother had been murdered. How do you even wrap your head around that? A blessing he had seen his brother the week prior, but it's just heartbreaking.
Then today... I see a photo on facebook of my cousin and my aunt(who passed a few years ago) from 30 years ago, with a comment from another cousin "together again." WTH?! I had to message my cousin to find out what that meant. Did he die? Suicide? Yes, he passed away. They believe he had a heart attack but nothing confirmed at this point. Of my cousins on the Smith side of my family, Sam is the first to pass. He was about ten years older than me... too young. When did I last talk to him? December I think- and he was not in his right mind! So rather than trying to have a good conversation, I ignored the things he was saying and pretty much blew him off.
I am so very grateful for this second chance with my parents and beyond thankful that nothing happened to them while we were apart. I would just die if I had missed the chance to tell my parents I love them, and for them to die thinking I hated them.
A lot of loss and a lot of close calls... Tell people you love them every chance you get. Let the petty crap go, it's not worth it. Forgive, love, cherish every moment!
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Second Chances
Troy and I went to lunch with my parents today. The second time since we started speaking again.
I went over 5 years without talking to my parents, we had struggles to say the least. I saw them at my daughters wedding a year ago and realized how much I truly miss them and want them back in my life. So a few months ago I sent an email... which turned into a number of angry emails between us, but eventually came to somewhat of an agreement- leave the past in the past and move forward from today building a new relationship.
Our first lunch meeting was a bit awkward, but went well. With each email I see more of not necessarily their side of things- but more of a parent perspective... possibly in part because of having my own adult child and the struggles we are currently facing.
Todays lunch was much better than the first! More relaxed, more fun. Today I saw my parents as the people I loved and had fun with when I was young, I saw them as two people who are truly in love, I saw them as the people I wish I could have always seen them as. My dad and his eye rolls, the two of them not really bickering but sort of in a silly way- the same argument they have had for years!
I remember in one of the emails months ago my dad had referred to my mom as 'the love of my life.' I never, in my life, saw it that way. They had their struggles- but worked thru them, I always saw them as comfortable and settled in, not in love like that. Today, I saw it- and I felt it. My parents really are still in love with each other... over 50 years of marriage! And they are cute and silly and are going to grow old together being that way. I can only hope when I am close to 80 I will have what they do.
I am so very grateful to have this second chance at having my parents in my life, at being a part of their life, to see them as I never saw them before- or wanted to see them. I am sad that we missed out on 5 years of each others lives- the happy moments, the hard times, everything. But I believe that everything happens for a reason- and I believe that this 'break' was needed for us to be able to move forward. I have grown a lot and changed very much. I view relationships of all kinds differently now than I did a few years ago. I will never take advantage of a positive influence in my life again... my parents were good parents, I was raised well. Once I became an adult is when our relationship started crumbling- and that, I now see, was largely my doing. I made the decisions, I saw them in a negative way, i acted out rather than talking.
These are my parents. They gave me life, they gave me values, they taught me discipline and how to be a good person. They took care of me- fed me, kept a roof over my head, gave me memories and experiences I will always have.
My parents are getting older, they won't be around forever. They are very healthy, and don't look their age, but I know they can't live forever. I am so very lucky to have them back in my life for these last years- whether its 5 or 20 years, I can share them.
If any of you reading this are estranged from your family- please, take it from someone who has been there... do whatever you have to in order to repair that bridge! Don't let someone die before telling them that you really do love them. Swallow your pride, whether it was your fault or theirs, reach out and fix it!
Today really has been my happiest day in quite a while. And I am proud to say I love my parents!
I went over 5 years without talking to my parents, we had struggles to say the least. I saw them at my daughters wedding a year ago and realized how much I truly miss them and want them back in my life. So a few months ago I sent an email... which turned into a number of angry emails between us, but eventually came to somewhat of an agreement- leave the past in the past and move forward from today building a new relationship.
Our first lunch meeting was a bit awkward, but went well. With each email I see more of not necessarily their side of things- but more of a parent perspective... possibly in part because of having my own adult child and the struggles we are currently facing.
Todays lunch was much better than the first! More relaxed, more fun. Today I saw my parents as the people I loved and had fun with when I was young, I saw them as two people who are truly in love, I saw them as the people I wish I could have always seen them as. My dad and his eye rolls, the two of them not really bickering but sort of in a silly way- the same argument they have had for years!
I remember in one of the emails months ago my dad had referred to my mom as 'the love of my life.' I never, in my life, saw it that way. They had their struggles- but worked thru them, I always saw them as comfortable and settled in, not in love like that. Today, I saw it- and I felt it. My parents really are still in love with each other... over 50 years of marriage! And they are cute and silly and are going to grow old together being that way. I can only hope when I am close to 80 I will have what they do.
I am so very grateful to have this second chance at having my parents in my life, at being a part of their life, to see them as I never saw them before- or wanted to see them. I am sad that we missed out on 5 years of each others lives- the happy moments, the hard times, everything. But I believe that everything happens for a reason- and I believe that this 'break' was needed for us to be able to move forward. I have grown a lot and changed very much. I view relationships of all kinds differently now than I did a few years ago. I will never take advantage of a positive influence in my life again... my parents were good parents, I was raised well. Once I became an adult is when our relationship started crumbling- and that, I now see, was largely my doing. I made the decisions, I saw them in a negative way, i acted out rather than talking.
These are my parents. They gave me life, they gave me values, they taught me discipline and how to be a good person. They took care of me- fed me, kept a roof over my head, gave me memories and experiences I will always have.
My parents are getting older, they won't be around forever. They are very healthy, and don't look their age, but I know they can't live forever. I am so very lucky to have them back in my life for these last years- whether its 5 or 20 years, I can share them.
If any of you reading this are estranged from your family- please, take it from someone who has been there... do whatever you have to in order to repair that bridge! Don't let someone die before telling them that you really do love them. Swallow your pride, whether it was your fault or theirs, reach out and fix it!
Today really has been my happiest day in quite a while. And I am proud to say I love my parents!
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
suicide
The past 2 nights I have spent talking to 2 different very unhappy friends who are ready to end their lives. I did my best to talk them out of it... and honestly have no idea where either of them are at right now- neither have responded to any calls or messages, neither have been on social media. I am scared. They reached out to me, well, one did, the other I reached out to help. But I tried to help!
In my very messed up emotional state currently, and my own thoughts of death, I still want to help others. And it has helped me a little to realize that my own thoughts are foolish, selfish, and just wrong!
I hate depression, I hate addiction- which is a huge contributor to depression and suicidal thoughts (no, I do not suffer any addictions). I wish everyone was strong, and I wish I was as strong as I appear to others. I want everyone to find the joy in the little things and overcome the big things. But I can't expect others to just put it past them when I can't even do that.
I am praying that my 2 friends are alive and doing better today. I already feel guilty that I couldn't do more. And the idea that I might be the last person they spoke to tears me up.
Happy and safe holiday wishes to all.
In my very messed up emotional state currently, and my own thoughts of death, I still want to help others. And it has helped me a little to realize that my own thoughts are foolish, selfish, and just wrong!
I hate depression, I hate addiction- which is a huge contributor to depression and suicidal thoughts (no, I do not suffer any addictions). I wish everyone was strong, and I wish I was as strong as I appear to others. I want everyone to find the joy in the little things and overcome the big things. But I can't expect others to just put it past them when I can't even do that.
I am praying that my 2 friends are alive and doing better today. I already feel guilty that I couldn't do more. And the idea that I might be the last person they spoke to tears me up.
Happy and safe holiday wishes to all.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
New month- new me... maybe
It's July already! This year is flying by- this summer is flying by.
The past week has been hell, actually the entire year has been emotionally rough, but it all exploded this past week. And not only that, but the people who have helped hold me together this year are out of town and I've had no one to really turn to. They will be home in a matter of hours! They are my family, the people I love and who love me, the people who support me and don't judge me, and see me for what I am- not for what they want to see in me.
My depression has been terrible, as I said in my last posting- Im not suicidal, I just don't want to live... well, I feel a little better now, altho I am still struggling with the events of the past week and how to cope. I am finding ways...
I started reading, my craft books. Spells, potions, my beliefs. The more I read, the more I started feeling my passion re-emerging. Today I went to Crone's Hollow- my 'supply' store. I had a very nice talk with Katheryn and realized I still have so much to learn and relearn! I'm pretty sure if I had followed thru with what I wanted to do without talking to her- I might have destroyed a city. But I am going to get back to my craft, I will start doing spells and ritual, meditation... I need the Goddess in my life for peace and serenity. There has been much anger- which I haven't experienced in a very long time. I need to clear my mind and body of these negative emotions and energy.
I am beginning a new job this month, super excited for that. The past month has been rough not having an income, but I know it is worth it. I love working, and this company is a great company to work with- employee discounts and other benefits!
Thrive's new weight management product comes out for good this month- this week! I am so very excited to start that and get back to a weight that I am ok with! I love what my Thrive products have done for me, altho I'm struggling to pay for it every month right now- especially the Plus line products that I really like. But I know with this new product, I will have more customers jumping on board. I also plan to really get more active with promoting and selling this amazing product! It has been so life changing for me, and I want others to experience those benefits as well!
I am doing my best to shut off a lot of emotions and feelings, I cannot allow myself to be hurt any further. But it is so very hard when I have to shut off the only purpose I have had for so long. I feel I need to protect myself from the only thing that has brought joy to my life. Crazy!
I've made the decision to seek help for the depression. This is a very hard thing to admit. I don't like admitting to myself or especially to others that I have a problem, but I do, and I need to fix it before it totally consumes and destroys me.
So second half of the year- positive thoughts and positive actions!
The past week has been hell, actually the entire year has been emotionally rough, but it all exploded this past week. And not only that, but the people who have helped hold me together this year are out of town and I've had no one to really turn to. They will be home in a matter of hours! They are my family, the people I love and who love me, the people who support me and don't judge me, and see me for what I am- not for what they want to see in me.
My depression has been terrible, as I said in my last posting- Im not suicidal, I just don't want to live... well, I feel a little better now, altho I am still struggling with the events of the past week and how to cope. I am finding ways...
I started reading, my craft books. Spells, potions, my beliefs. The more I read, the more I started feeling my passion re-emerging. Today I went to Crone's Hollow- my 'supply' store. I had a very nice talk with Katheryn and realized I still have so much to learn and relearn! I'm pretty sure if I had followed thru with what I wanted to do without talking to her- I might have destroyed a city. But I am going to get back to my craft, I will start doing spells and ritual, meditation... I need the Goddess in my life for peace and serenity. There has been much anger- which I haven't experienced in a very long time. I need to clear my mind and body of these negative emotions and energy.
I am beginning a new job this month, super excited for that. The past month has been rough not having an income, but I know it is worth it. I love working, and this company is a great company to work with- employee discounts and other benefits!
Thrive's new weight management product comes out for good this month- this week! I am so very excited to start that and get back to a weight that I am ok with! I love what my Thrive products have done for me, altho I'm struggling to pay for it every month right now- especially the Plus line products that I really like. But I know with this new product, I will have more customers jumping on board. I also plan to really get more active with promoting and selling this amazing product! It has been so life changing for me, and I want others to experience those benefits as well!
I am doing my best to shut off a lot of emotions and feelings, I cannot allow myself to be hurt any further. But it is so very hard when I have to shut off the only purpose I have had for so long. I feel I need to protect myself from the only thing that has brought joy to my life. Crazy!
I've made the decision to seek help for the depression. This is a very hard thing to admit. I don't like admitting to myself or especially to others that I have a problem, but I do, and I need to fix it before it totally consumes and destroys me.
So second half of the year- positive thoughts and positive actions!
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