July Summarized- focus on August

Completely deleted the entire post I had written last night... I was rambling and had too much in my head! So here is a post with a reason and a topic!
This month has been crazy and hectic, to say the least! A few days before the wedding my son-in-law drove 9 hours to pick up his dad and sister and drove 9 hours back. His sister with plans to move in and stay here in Utah with us- get a job, get into school, and get away from the parents while still having 'parents' in the home, she is 18 and ready to spread her wings! TC (the dad), planned to stay until the kids left for their honeymoon, they would take him home as part of the first day of that trip. That plan changed and he decided to stay thru the 24th festivities... the week prior to the 24th, my son in laws other sister, who was spending her summer in St George, decided she wanted to be here for the holiday with family, see her brothers, etc. So TC and I drove to St. George and got her. I have loved having them here! I enjoy having a houseful, especially when I get along well with the people visiting- which I do! I am happy to have these people as part of my new extended family.
I've also has a somewhat unwelcome house guest, this has been causing me a lot of stress. I know I just need to get it out there- again, that this is not ok, but I am just not wanting confrontation and all that goes with it. I know that my stress will go on until I fix it, it has to be my undoing.
Tomorrow the newlyweds will get on the road to take TC and the youngest sister home, my house will be empty and quiet for the weekend without these 4! Not sure what that will be like at this point, haha! It really was nice having them here and getting to know them. I really do look forward to their family moving here in a few months, I can meet the mom- stepmom, but really sounds to be more of a mom! TC and the girls talk highly of her and I have a feeling we will get along great!
A week since I quit my job and I am feeling better already! Truly was a good decision.
I am ready to get focused on my health again- I ate an avocado/tomato sandwich on multigrain bread today! and put some energy into expanding my Le-Vel business and spreading the word about Thrive. 
August will be a month of calming and focus, planning and organizing... my life, my home, and my future!

Life is About Choices

The title of my page is 'Life With No Regrets.' Well, I'm at a point in life that I am beginning to question a number of things and forcing myself to make choices I'd rather not have to make. Then I remembered~ NO REGRETS. If I put off these decisions, or make the wrong ones- I will end up with regrets.

So after a lot of tears and headaches, a lot of meditating and talking with a couple close friends, more tears, a hell of a lot of thinking... my future, my health, my family... I have made a couple very difficult decisions, and there are still more to make, as there always will be.

First off- as some of you have figured out, my marriage has been not exactly paradise recently and talks of divorce have been had. Altho things are not really back on track, yet, there will not be a divorce. I battled myself- probably more than I should have on this. But in the end I believe by putting off what I thought to be the inevitable- gave me the opportunity to more clearly think of what was ultimately best and what would- in the end- make me have no regrets.

Second- I have talked about how much I love my job and how thrilled I am to be working again. And it's true! But in recent weeks, my physical health has begun to decline again, the pain I used to experience from too much activity- it comes back... every day I work. I don't have the energy I did a few months ago- altho I am still WAY better off than I was 2 years ago! No one I work with enjoys their job, nor do they have any respect for their boss or coworkers, they are always so negative- I honestly do not enjoy going to work most days because I know it won't be fun and positive. I work hard, I put in extra effort, I always help out when a shift needs covered, I do whatever I can to make the job of my coworkers easier... and I get no thank you, I get no mutual respect. I make the same hourly rate as the guy who does nothing but stand behind the counter texting between customers. When I started working, it was intended to be added income to help us out, but because of the shifts I work- we spend more in eating out and pizza than I make! I am frustrated by so much at work, but my health is the most important issue... my mental and emotional well being. I need to take care of me before I end up back where I was- and regret the choice to start working. So choice number 2- I will be leaving my job... soon. How soon has yet to be determined, but I won't be there a month from now. I do hope to just take a couple weeks to get back on track with my health and find a job with a more steady schedule. I have tried discussing a couple of my issues with my boss- she doesn't listen, so this is my choice.

I have other decisions to make, but they are more long term and I need to give some things a little time... I can't jump! Scared about choices made and choices postponed, but what ifs and regrets are so much worse!

It is time for me to get back to putting me at the top of my priority list. I need to get healthy- physically~mentally~emotionally. I have a lot of healing to do right now, the past couple months have worn me down beyond what anyone can imagine. This week has put me beyond my breaking point, I was done, ready to absolutely give up... that is why I had to stop and finalize some things in my head. I refuse to give up- I've come too far to give it all up now. No matter how hard it is to adult and make decisions... it is part of life.

Never give up~ have no regrets~ live and love!

friendship and pain

Do you ever feel you have damaged a friendship that means a lot to you? I'm hurting. I feel my actions- toward a third person, caused permanent damage to not only my relationship with a dear friend, but also the relationship of those two people. I know I can't repair what damage has been done between them- that will hang on me for quite a while. But I hope I am wrong about my relationship- my friendship, I want... no... need to repair it! She is hurting, and I feel responsible. I hurt because of it. Different people handle these kind of things differently- some face it head on, address it right away, and put it behind them. Some just drop it all and move on, leaving it in yesterday. And some take time... time to grieve or heal or think about what should be done next. My only hope is that we can move on and move past this.
My friends mean the world to me, most of you who know me- know that. I put those I care about above myself- I would do anything for their happiness. I value the close friendships I have, and I do all I can not to put those relationships at risk. If you are in my life, it is because I care about you and value you.
If you can avoid causing pain to those you love- avoid it! It isn't fair to either of you.
If the person I am talking about sees this... please know I am truly sorry and I pray that we can restore the friendship we have had for so long. I do love you!

Photos From the Wedding

There are hundreds of photos from the wedding! Here are just a few... I am sure I will add to this post.

My Baby Girl Is Married!

Thurdsay evening, family and friends put differences aside and came together to be a part of the wedding for my Daughter Kayla and her now husband Terence. It was an amazing wedding, everything went perfect!
I have struggled for two days trying to put together words to express my feeling about the wedding, and honestly still can't wrap my brain and heart around the right words. I am happy for them- I think my babygirl found herself the perfect man. I am proud to have him join our family.
I can honestly say I am glad I don't have to do this again! So much stress and worry, emotionally exhausting... but completely worth it all! I have to say we had huge help and support from so many people, discounts and gifted services for many aspects of where our budget would have been wiped out. I am so very grateful for that!
Everything went off without a problem, only started a little late~ which really is expected! The groomsmen looked wonderful, the brides line- beautiful. And our venue could not have been any more perfect!
I remember when Kayla was just a baby- this day never even crossed my mind. As she got older, I still didn't really see it. She was my little tomboy who played t-ball and loved to ride her bike and go on hikes. Then high school~ I started to realize my girl is growing up and eventually this day will come... and here we are.

As I mentioned it was an emotionally overwhelming day for me... not only was I realizing my little girl was no longer little- she's a young lady beginning her own life... but I had this. This photo sums up everything. My youngest daughter whom I gave up for adoption 11 years ago- this was the third time I have seen her... all in the past couple months. It is so amazing to see her and talk to her, to kind of have her in my life. I know any kind of actual relationship or friendship with her is a long ways off, but for this day... we were family. Also my parents... I have had no contact with them in over 5 years. Seeing them broke me. Hugging my dad after all this time was the best feeling ever. I know the relationship with my folks is strained, and I have repeatedly said that I don't care to rebuild it... but I miss them- both. And would love the chance to see if some kind of bridge can be built. I know it would mean the world to both of these girls if I could have a relationship with my parents- and that is enough reason for me to give it a try. This photo will forever be cherished... it is the only picture of my world, of the people who I really love and would die for- all together.
48 hours after the wedding I am still recuperating. I had 2 small seizures at the wedding, but did not allow my daughter to find out- her day, my health was not about to interfere! I did leave the reception sooner than I wanted, but I was home to see the limo pull up! I left the next morning for a 3-day ME time getaway, it has been quite relaxing, but I still feel drained.Tomorrow I go home and back to work Monday morning.
My little miss is now a Mrs. and I'm sure in no time will be a mommy.
I will do a post of wedding photos soon!

So much has happened, so many things I wanted to blog about since I last did... but I have been in a funk! Depression really sucks! And when there are legit reasons for the depression- it's even worse! Yes, I suffer with depression, have for years, but this is real- true emotional pain.
I don't like letting people see that side of me, I think I do really well at showing the positive side and hiding the dark. But somehow some of that seeped thru and I have let people see that I am not ok lately. I'm still pretending that all is well, I'm still smiling... I do have things to be smiling about! Like my daughters upcoming wedding!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July, Independence Day... I don't like fireworks, I could live without this day. it gives me even more to think about.
A lot of changes are going on in my life and my entire world... some things I am happy and excited for, some I'm not sure how to feel, and some that honestly have me devastated and terrified. I know I over think things, and thats part of why it is all getting to me so much! I am not only thinking of the immediate changes- but the whole ripple effect thing. When this happens- what happens to that? I have completely overwhelmed myself with the overthinking!
Some of these changes are big changes, some are small, but they are all change! When I was younger I got excited over any change! I welcomed the challenge! But now that I am older, I hate to admit that I have become more cautious and not so much liking the idea of change... but it has to happen. Life is all about change- good and bad, we don't grow without change... we can't be happy without some change. And ultimately that is my goal... happiness.
MY happiness. If others don't like or approve of the steps I take to find my happiness, too bad for them, I hate to lose friends, but I also refuse to let others sway my choices. If they are real friends, they will support me and care about me no matter what. Yes, I have sadly become a bit cold hearted and defensive. But that is the only way I can deal with some people... I won't try to convince them what I am doing is right, everyone has a right to their opinions- but I just need them to understand that it is what I need to do for me at this point in time. Maybe I will realize it was a bad choice, or maybe I will show them what an incredible choice it was! Either way- it is my choice and I refuse to look back and say 'what if?' I refuse to regret not doing something when I felt it was right.

My daughter will be a married woman by this time Thursday. I am thrilled, scared, sad and happy all in one ball of emotional mom! My focus right now is on her and her day and not allowing anything to get in the way of it being perfect for her. The following day I will be running off for 3 days of me time- I am sure I will find some time to blog and put some of all this mess in my head into words!
Love and light to everyone who takes the time to read my disaster of a mind!