So I was told that maybe if I released some of the inner pain and opened up about some things, it would bring a bit of closure. I know some things I will never have complete closure on, without understanding why things happen or having them made right... how can a person truly get closure? I have held on to some serious issues, things I have been afraid to let people know... including my husband. But why was I afraid? I think there has been shame attached to it, and also opening up would expose me, make me vulnerable to hurt again, to relive those experiences. But at some point it has to be done, right? To move on, close that chapter out... and most of all, I think, to give others a chance to understand me a little more. That's why I started this blog in the first place- to open up so people can kind of figure out why I am the person I am today. So here goes...
Years ago, I married the man of my dreams! I thought life would be perfect! Not long after we married he became violent. But not in a 'punch me in the face' kind of a way. I rarely ended up with marks that could be seen by others when I was dressed. My entire marriage to this man was nothing as it seemed. We were in love, he would have- and almost did, kill to protect me from others, he taught me to defend myself, martial arts, guns, knives, even driving techniques. I felt safe... from his enemies, but not from him.
This man tortured me. And because I was his wife- others were after me. This was not a normal life, he did things that I truly closed my eyes to because I didn't want to know. I'm sure he and I both could have ended up spending our entire lives in prison. Looking back on that marriage is like watching a movie- unreal!
The things I experienced, saw, survived... all at such a young age... when I think about it I wonder why I am alive. If he didn't kill me, or one of the many people who he pissed off didn't kill me... how did I not commit suicide? Back then the term PTSD didn't exist, well, maybe it did, but no one had any idea what it was. So for the years since this nightmare, I just dealt with it... the nightmares, the aniety, the insomnia, the fears and voices, and everything related to that time in my life. But now that I look back~ yes, PTSD is what I have struggled with.
So what happened? How was this so terrible? And why didn't I leave?
I'm rambling because this is hard for me. My fingers and brain are not working together... the anxiety is seeping in as I think about this.
During that marriage I was shot at, I was kidnapped and tied up in a closet for 3 days. I was chased in my truck by people I didn't know. I was raped by strangers as well as by my husband. I saw him shoot someone, like a drive by thing, no idea who it was or if he survived. At home, I was burned on the stove, I was punched to cause a miscarriage. I was not only raped, but raped with foreign objects. including loaded guns. I can't count the number of cigarette burns... but everyday of my life I look in the mirror and see the remnants of one in my eye.
One day I ran to a friend after one bad night at home... she said, "here, try this. It will make the pain go away." And that was when I first started using cocaine. She was in a similar, yet not nearly as horrific, situation. She understood. We loved our husbands very much.
The day I finally left this man, I had broken bones in my face and blood pouring from my arm... enough was enough, I didn't deserve that life.
This has taken me all day to write, stopping to calm the panic attacks, to get the courage to write what I needed to get out. As I am about to post this, I know that a number of you will know who I am referring to. Please remember not to judge, I later got a number of answers as to why he was this way. Outside of marriage he was one of the sweetest, most caring men I've ever known- even after we went our separate ways. Everyone has skeletons, don't judge them because they sin different than you.
Thank you to those who were there for me back then, and thank you to those who know I've had a traumatic past for supporting me. I love everyone of you!
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