I left a couple things out of that last post. I need to finish.
People ask me why I didn't leave... It was the life I was living, I put myself in that situation and honestly, if you know me- you know that I live on the rush! The adrenaline, the risk... that's what life is about! Right? I loved him, he was my life. He was the sweetest, most loving man a woman could want most of the time. His world revolved around me! Yeah, I was young and didn't get it at first, and was one of those who made excuses for him. I think my hospital records show that was one of my worst years with seizure injuries!
When the abuse got worse, when I started seeing the scars that I knew would never go away... like my eye... the forever reminders not of how I had been treated, but of what could happen next. There was a night, I laid in bed wide awake thinking about what tomorrow would bring... I pulled my handgun from the side of my bed- it hung in a holster between my nightstand and bed always fully loaded. I got up and looked at my husband sleeping so peacefully... I pointed that gun at his head, and I didn't move for over an hour. I wanted so badly to pull that trigger and stop my pain. But would it? How does killing a person make your pain go away? Revenge is not the answer! But that isn't what stopped me. The thoughts started racing... what if I miss? he will wake up from the sound and immediately go for one of the weapons on the wall- then determine who was after him... and he would find me standing there. He would kill me! No questions asked, I would have been shot that night. It would get me out of my pain... but I wasn't ready to die! I had a life to live. I put away the gun and collapsed into bed, wrapped my arms around him and cried myself to sleep. Like I said before, I loved this man with every ounce of my being, I could never hurt him.
When I finally got the courage to leave, my dad wanted to call the police and report it... I refused to do that. I just wanted it all to be over.
My Love
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Opening up and Letting go
So I was told that maybe if I released some of the inner pain and opened up about some things, it would bring a bit of closure. I know some things I will never have complete closure on, without understanding why things happen or having them made right... how can a person truly get closure? I have held on to some serious issues, things I have been afraid to let people know... including my husband. But why was I afraid? I think there has been shame attached to it, and also opening up would expose me, make me vulnerable to hurt again, to relive those experiences. But at some point it has to be done, right? To move on, close that chapter out... and most of all, I think, to give others a chance to understand me a little more. That's why I started this blog in the first place- to open up so people can kind of figure out why I am the person I am today. So here goes...
Years ago, I married the man of my dreams! I thought life would be perfect! Not long after we married he became violent. But not in a 'punch me in the face' kind of a way. I rarely ended up with marks that could be seen by others when I was dressed. My entire marriage to this man was nothing as it seemed. We were in love, he would have- and almost did, kill to protect me from others, he taught me to defend myself, martial arts, guns, knives, even driving techniques. I felt safe... from his enemies, but not from him.
This man tortured me. And because I was his wife- others were after me. This was not a normal life, he did things that I truly closed my eyes to because I didn't want to know. I'm sure he and I both could have ended up spending our entire lives in prison. Looking back on that marriage is like watching a movie- unreal!
The things I experienced, saw, survived... all at such a young age... when I think about it I wonder why I am alive. If he didn't kill me, or one of the many people who he pissed off didn't kill me... how did I not commit suicide? Back then the term PTSD didn't exist, well, maybe it did, but no one had any idea what it was. So for the years since this nightmare, I just dealt with it... the nightmares, the aniety, the insomnia, the fears and voices, and everything related to that time in my life. But now that I look back~ yes, PTSD is what I have struggled with.
So what happened? How was this so terrible? And why didn't I leave?
I'm rambling because this is hard for me. My fingers and brain are not working together... the anxiety is seeping in as I think about this.
During that marriage I was shot at, I was kidnapped and tied up in a closet for 3 days. I was chased in my truck by people I didn't know. I was raped by strangers as well as by my husband. I saw him shoot someone, like a drive by thing, no idea who it was or if he survived. At home, I was burned on the stove, I was punched to cause a miscarriage. I was not only raped, but raped with foreign objects. including loaded guns. I can't count the number of cigarette burns... but everyday of my life I look in the mirror and see the remnants of one in my eye.
One day I ran to a friend after one bad night at home... she said, "here, try this. It will make the pain go away." And that was when I first started using cocaine. She was in a similar, yet not nearly as horrific, situation. She understood. We loved our husbands very much.
The day I finally left this man, I had broken bones in my face and blood pouring from my arm... enough was enough, I didn't deserve that life.
This has taken me all day to write, stopping to calm the panic attacks, to get the courage to write what I needed to get out. As I am about to post this, I know that a number of you will know who I am referring to. Please remember not to judge, I later got a number of answers as to why he was this way. Outside of marriage he was one of the sweetest, most caring men I've ever known- even after we went our separate ways. Everyone has skeletons, don't judge them because they sin different than you.
Thank you to those who were there for me back then, and thank you to those who know I've had a traumatic past for supporting me. I love everyone of you!
Years ago, I married the man of my dreams! I thought life would be perfect! Not long after we married he became violent. But not in a 'punch me in the face' kind of a way. I rarely ended up with marks that could be seen by others when I was dressed. My entire marriage to this man was nothing as it seemed. We were in love, he would have- and almost did, kill to protect me from others, he taught me to defend myself, martial arts, guns, knives, even driving techniques. I felt safe... from his enemies, but not from him.
This man tortured me. And because I was his wife- others were after me. This was not a normal life, he did things that I truly closed my eyes to because I didn't want to know. I'm sure he and I both could have ended up spending our entire lives in prison. Looking back on that marriage is like watching a movie- unreal!
The things I experienced, saw, survived... all at such a young age... when I think about it I wonder why I am alive. If he didn't kill me, or one of the many people who he pissed off didn't kill me... how did I not commit suicide? Back then the term PTSD didn't exist, well, maybe it did, but no one had any idea what it was. So for the years since this nightmare, I just dealt with it... the nightmares, the aniety, the insomnia, the fears and voices, and everything related to that time in my life. But now that I look back~ yes, PTSD is what I have struggled with.
So what happened? How was this so terrible? And why didn't I leave?
I'm rambling because this is hard for me. My fingers and brain are not working together... the anxiety is seeping in as I think about this.
During that marriage I was shot at, I was kidnapped and tied up in a closet for 3 days. I was chased in my truck by people I didn't know. I was raped by strangers as well as by my husband. I saw him shoot someone, like a drive by thing, no idea who it was or if he survived. At home, I was burned on the stove, I was punched to cause a miscarriage. I was not only raped, but raped with foreign objects. including loaded guns. I can't count the number of cigarette burns... but everyday of my life I look in the mirror and see the remnants of one in my eye.
One day I ran to a friend after one bad night at home... she said, "here, try this. It will make the pain go away." And that was when I first started using cocaine. She was in a similar, yet not nearly as horrific, situation. She understood. We loved our husbands very much.
The day I finally left this man, I had broken bones in my face and blood pouring from my arm... enough was enough, I didn't deserve that life.
This has taken me all day to write, stopping to calm the panic attacks, to get the courage to write what I needed to get out. As I am about to post this, I know that a number of you will know who I am referring to. Please remember not to judge, I later got a number of answers as to why he was this way. Outside of marriage he was one of the sweetest, most caring men I've ever known- even after we went our separate ways. Everyone has skeletons, don't judge them because they sin different than you.
Thank you to those who were there for me back then, and thank you to those who know I've had a traumatic past for supporting me. I love everyone of you!
Spirituality
I am so overwhelmed with all that has been going on recently! But my life is amazing! I have a lot of things on my mind, and think they are best posted in different blog posts rather than lumping them all together, so here is my #1 post for today...
Spirituality. Let me give some background on myself in this topic. My mother was raised Lutheran, my dad, Baptist. Neither were church goers by the time I came along. When we came to Utah my parents decided my sister and I needed to attend church, so they would drop us off every Sunday at some church- I honestly don't even know what it was. But after a couple months my sister and I decided we had no interest in this whatsoever, and why were we sitting in church while our parents were home drinking gin and tonics watching golf? So we told our parents how we felt, and they stopped making us go to church. I had a number of bad experiences my first few years in Utah- being non LDS in a predominantly LDS state was hard!
As I got into my early teens, I decided to do some research on various religions, I started going to church, I attended some Catholic services, Baptist, Lutheran, LDS, I even did some reading on the Muslim and Buddhist faiths. I had no idea if I believed in God, I didn't even understand the concept really until then. Then I discovered Wicca. Wow! This made sense to me! I was totally intrigued by what I was learning and reading. This became the spiritual path I followed for a very long time.
There was always a little bit of wonder in the back of my mind about the 'God' concept, but that's all it was... a concept! No one has ever seen him, we have a book written centuries ago telling of what he is capable of. And the first time I read the Bible... I realized that everything in it~ the 'miracles', could be explained by something else.
Flash forward to 2006. I was in prison. How many people claim to 'find Jesus' when they are locked up? Well, I really had no intent on doing that! But someone got me to go to church one Sunday. And the craziest thing happened! I felt something, something happened to me! I never really could explain it, other than a spirit touching me, entering my being, opening my heart. Now, as a witch- I have always believed there are spirits among us, but this was just different. So for almost a year I continued going to church, read the bible again, studied it... and believed in the things it was showing me! When I left that place I was a different person... in a number of ways, but I walked out of there a Christian. Crazy! I was almost 40 years old and just then deciding everything I ever believed before about God and Jesus, was wrong. I still kept so many ideals in my head about the pagan lifestyle, that is truly something that never leaves you. But after some time back in the real world, I started to question everything again, and eventually turned back to my Wiccan ways, probably more than ever before.
Today, 2015, I find myself confused again. Wondering. I believe in my lifestyle and the amazing things I can do with majik. But what about God? I can still do my majik- I believe in that, but I am catching myself more and more wondering about this concept of a god. I still think a lot of what I read in the bible is crap, that will never change, but what if? I have seen what is called a Christian Witch... is that me?
I am truly at a crossroads, and with everything going on in my life right now, all the amazing changes taking place... is it just the way things are? Or is there a higher power involved?
Spirituality. Let me give some background on myself in this topic. My mother was raised Lutheran, my dad, Baptist. Neither were church goers by the time I came along. When we came to Utah my parents decided my sister and I needed to attend church, so they would drop us off every Sunday at some church- I honestly don't even know what it was. But after a couple months my sister and I decided we had no interest in this whatsoever, and why were we sitting in church while our parents were home drinking gin and tonics watching golf? So we told our parents how we felt, and they stopped making us go to church. I had a number of bad experiences my first few years in Utah- being non LDS in a predominantly LDS state was hard!
As I got into my early teens, I decided to do some research on various religions, I started going to church, I attended some Catholic services, Baptist, Lutheran, LDS, I even did some reading on the Muslim and Buddhist faiths. I had no idea if I believed in God, I didn't even understand the concept really until then. Then I discovered Wicca. Wow! This made sense to me! I was totally intrigued by what I was learning and reading. This became the spiritual path I followed for a very long time.
There was always a little bit of wonder in the back of my mind about the 'God' concept, but that's all it was... a concept! No one has ever seen him, we have a book written centuries ago telling of what he is capable of. And the first time I read the Bible... I realized that everything in it~ the 'miracles', could be explained by something else.
Flash forward to 2006. I was in prison. How many people claim to 'find Jesus' when they are locked up? Well, I really had no intent on doing that! But someone got me to go to church one Sunday. And the craziest thing happened! I felt something, something happened to me! I never really could explain it, other than a spirit touching me, entering my being, opening my heart. Now, as a witch- I have always believed there are spirits among us, but this was just different. So for almost a year I continued going to church, read the bible again, studied it... and believed in the things it was showing me! When I left that place I was a different person... in a number of ways, but I walked out of there a Christian. Crazy! I was almost 40 years old and just then deciding everything I ever believed before about God and Jesus, was wrong. I still kept so many ideals in my head about the pagan lifestyle, that is truly something that never leaves you. But after some time back in the real world, I started to question everything again, and eventually turned back to my Wiccan ways, probably more than ever before.
Today, 2015, I find myself confused again. Wondering. I believe in my lifestyle and the amazing things I can do with majik. But what about God? I can still do my majik- I believe in that, but I am catching myself more and more wondering about this concept of a god. I still think a lot of what I read in the bible is crap, that will never change, but what if? I have seen what is called a Christian Witch... is that me?
I am truly at a crossroads, and with everything going on in my life right now, all the amazing changes taking place... is it just the way things are? Or is there a higher power involved?
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Truth
Truth- sometimes hard to admit. Often hard to accept. Always the best way to face a situation!
So here is some truth from me. Some might be buried in this blog, but it's stuff that is on my mind now. I am having a lot of emotional breakthroughs lately... i think it had something to do with the mental clarity aspect of Thrive.
Truth- I'm terrified about next week. Not about him getting out of prison, but of the thoughts I'm having.
Truth- my physical health is better than it has been in 11 years. And i feel eleven years younger.
Truth- i very much dislike my body. I do not have an eating disorder, but i would be thrilled to lose 50 pounds.
Truth- i was having suicidal thoughts days before i started my Thrive experience. I also contemplated divorce as well as just walking or the door and never turning back.
Truth- i almost started using drugs again, just days before discovering thrive.
Truth- i hate my mother. No, i don't think i will ever regret not telling her i love her, because ii don't. I occasionally wish her dead- terrible to wish anyone dead, but i love my dad and miss him. And for him to be a part of my life, she has to be out of his.
Truth- no matter how much my health changes, there will still be something missing from my life. I don't believe i will ever feel 100% complete. I need a woman in my life.
Truth- i am not ashamed of any part of who i am! Or where I've been. I don't care who knows that Iwas in prison. I don't care that people know i used to produce porn. And i don't care if the world knows Iused to have a drinking problem.
Truth- i hate being a stay at home wife! I would rather work 60 hours a week!
Truth- i think of my littlest girl every day! I cry for her multiple times a week. I miss my daughter. But i will not jeopardize a future relationship by pushing for one now.
Truth- sometimes Ithink, if i had the body, i would think about getting back into the industry.
Truth-over the past 30 years i have seen and done things that would blow most people's minds. Some terrifying, some exciting, some stupid. Some truly unbelievable.
Truth-my husband snores bad if he had his arm above his head- no matter how his body is positioned!
Just threw that last one in there because in bed and keep having to move his arm!
Truth-is late, I'm tired, and you are probably bored with me for today!
As Ikeep saying, Thrive is not just a life changer- it's a life saver, you can see this is true for me. There is a very good chance I'd be dead today if Thrive had not found me exactly when it did.
Redmccann.le-vel.com
Monday, April 6, 2015
Another day in the life
Life just keeps getting better and better! Yeah, I still have my emotionally rough days, but far less than I was. My family is still having financial and other 'family' issues, but a nutrition program can't solve those things! Every day it seems I notice something new, something that has changed for the better in me. Some days it is something emotional, some days it is physical, sometimes mental. I see changes that aren't just directly thanks to Thrive, but indirectly. Like I am recognizing how blessed my life really is, I'm recognizing who is truly important to me and my life. I am seeing what really matters, and what I just need to let go.
This past week has really been a rough one emotionally... just over a week until my daughters molester gets out of prison, 5 years this past weekend since my very best friend passed away from cancer, Easter is another one of those holidays I can't stand! It really ranks up there with Thanksgiving for me! A reminder that my 'real' family hates me. But that is another one of those things I am realizing ... they don't matter. Why allow myself to be bothered by people who don't want me in their lives? That's a silly thing! I have amazing family in my husbands family, and in my friends, amazing friends.
So this weeks new changes that I am giving credit to Thrive... I am down 5 pounds! No one gets what a big deal this is for me, everyone says I don't need to lose weight. Well, I have two things to say to that. 1~ I have to feel good about the body I am in, and I don't. 2~ no one knows how much weight I have really put on, I do a pretty good job of hiding it.
My other Thrive changer... my skin. back in September I think it was, my doctor decided to put me on another round of "lets try these and see how they work." Suddenly my face went from 47 years old to 17 years old! Constant breakouts for months. it started clearing up a little a couple weeks after starting Thrive and stopping all those other pills. Today, it is almost entirely clear!
A friend told me the other day that I look better- that my eyes look better. This was from a person who was truly against this product when I started it. THIS is why I continue, and why I others. It isn't just my word that I am pushing, others see the difference in me.
Things are looking up, that's for sure. I am no longer considering using drugs, I am not thinking about divorce, nor am I having thoughts of walking away from my life or ending it! Yes, all these things were going thru my head just days before I started my Thrive Experience. It is really scary for me to say that or to think about it as truth... but it was. And everytimeI do think about how close I was to giving up on absolutely everything, I cry.
Tonight there is a local event, the co-founders of Le-Vel will be in town and I am super excited to go see them, hear what they have to say. They are so motivational and have a way of getting everyone so excited.
Things are rolling along real well for Brandon's Ride! I spoke with a couple radio hosts who are going to promote the event for me! I am getting advertising all over, and slowly but surely gathering raffle prizes. I am so glad I feel good and have the energy to be on top of this all! See, I have Thrive to thank for even this event coming together so well! I have about a hundred people already saying they will be at our event... and that is just the facebook event! I am totally excited to see how big this can get! I am excited to be able to make contributions to Fisher House and Canines With A Cause. I am excited to be able to tell so many people about Brandon, and have him honored the way all of our fallen deserve to be.
OK, too much time spent here, things to do, life is busy busy and I love it!
Thrive on people!
And as always, if you want to learn more about this amazing product that has had such a life changing impact on me, you can message me on FB or check out the link
redmccann.le-vel.com
If you are interested in the ride, check out Brandon's Ride on facebook.
This past week has really been a rough one emotionally... just over a week until my daughters molester gets out of prison, 5 years this past weekend since my very best friend passed away from cancer, Easter is another one of those holidays I can't stand! It really ranks up there with Thanksgiving for me! A reminder that my 'real' family hates me. But that is another one of those things I am realizing ... they don't matter. Why allow myself to be bothered by people who don't want me in their lives? That's a silly thing! I have amazing family in my husbands family, and in my friends, amazing friends.
So this weeks new changes that I am giving credit to Thrive... I am down 5 pounds! No one gets what a big deal this is for me, everyone says I don't need to lose weight. Well, I have two things to say to that. 1~ I have to feel good about the body I am in, and I don't. 2~ no one knows how much weight I have really put on, I do a pretty good job of hiding it.
My other Thrive changer... my skin. back in September I think it was, my doctor decided to put me on another round of "lets try these and see how they work." Suddenly my face went from 47 years old to 17 years old! Constant breakouts for months. it started clearing up a little a couple weeks after starting Thrive and stopping all those other pills. Today, it is almost entirely clear!
A friend told me the other day that I look better- that my eyes look better. This was from a person who was truly against this product when I started it. THIS is why I continue, and why I others. It isn't just my word that I am pushing, others see the difference in me.
Things are looking up, that's for sure. I am no longer considering using drugs, I am not thinking about divorce, nor am I having thoughts of walking away from my life or ending it! Yes, all these things were going thru my head just days before I started my Thrive Experience. It is really scary for me to say that or to think about it as truth... but it was. And everytimeI do think about how close I was to giving up on absolutely everything, I cry.
Tonight there is a local event, the co-founders of Le-Vel will be in town and I am super excited to go see them, hear what they have to say. They are so motivational and have a way of getting everyone so excited.
Things are rolling along real well for Brandon's Ride! I spoke with a couple radio hosts who are going to promote the event for me! I am getting advertising all over, and slowly but surely gathering raffle prizes. I am so glad I feel good and have the energy to be on top of this all! See, I have Thrive to thank for even this event coming together so well! I have about a hundred people already saying they will be at our event... and that is just the facebook event! I am totally excited to see how big this can get! I am excited to be able to make contributions to Fisher House and Canines With A Cause. I am excited to be able to tell so many people about Brandon, and have him honored the way all of our fallen deserve to be.
OK, too much time spent here, things to do, life is busy busy and I love it!
Thrive on people!
And as always, if you want to learn more about this amazing product that has had such a life changing impact on me, you can message me on FB or check out the link
redmccann.le-vel.com
If you are interested in the ride, check out Brandon's Ride on facebook.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Such crazy emotions going on with me the last couple days! I am feeling so overwhelmed, really.
The reality of April 14 fast approaching is getting to me. My best friend ins't wanting to talk to me, this is what makes everything else so hard... the one person I can usually go to- isn't there for me, no supportive words for anything- the positive or negative I am gong thru. It hurts. My life long bestie is going thru a terrible ordeal, a true nightmare- and I feel helpless. She is my family, I hurt for she and her kids, yet there is nothing I can do but stand by and be supportive.
There are good emotions going on as well! I was able to ride all weekend and still get up Monday and do what I always do on Mondays. I was so happy, then when I sat down Monday afternoon, I realized how incredibly blessed I am. I have been given another chance. Just weeks ago I was contemplating divorce, drugs, even death... today my life has done a complete flip and I am happy with myself and my marriage, and I feel good. How crazy is that? This has me more emotional than anything, I think. Days from making the worst choices of my life, and someone said trust me... so I did. See, I'm even in tears right now! Who would have thought my life could go thru such a dramatic transformation in just a matter of weeks. I don't trust many people, but this person in part of the small group I do trust. If anyone else had come to me with the same offer, my answer would have been... probably not a friendly one.
Most everything is coming together wonderfully for the ride, just a bit stressed about having enough raffle prizes. And getting the map updated.
I got a huge positive kick in the rear yesterday, not even sure why brought it on, but I decided April is going to be an epic month for me in so many ways. I'm excited to reach some personal health and fitness goals, relationship goals, and I have decided I want to be all in with the business aspect of this amazing, life changing product that I love so much! I may not do huge with sales, but I have sales goals, and I have other goals within the business aspect as well.
Another realization hit me yesterday- I either need to lose a lot of weight or buy an entire new summer wardrobe. Seriously, how the hell did I get this far out of control? Oh yeah... depression, anxiety, and just not caring about myself or anything else.
So here I am, the first day of April, feeling incredible and more positive than ever about the future... MY future!
And of course I will always post at the end of each blog, my link for you to learn about this incredible life altering nutrition and lifestyle program! If you want to feel amazing and change your life like I have, check it out and then contact me! Redmccann.le-vel.com
Love and light to all!🌺
The reality of April 14 fast approaching is getting to me. My best friend ins't wanting to talk to me, this is what makes everything else so hard... the one person I can usually go to- isn't there for me, no supportive words for anything- the positive or negative I am gong thru. It hurts. My life long bestie is going thru a terrible ordeal, a true nightmare- and I feel helpless. She is my family, I hurt for she and her kids, yet there is nothing I can do but stand by and be supportive.
There are good emotions going on as well! I was able to ride all weekend and still get up Monday and do what I always do on Mondays. I was so happy, then when I sat down Monday afternoon, I realized how incredibly blessed I am. I have been given another chance. Just weeks ago I was contemplating divorce, drugs, even death... today my life has done a complete flip and I am happy with myself and my marriage, and I feel good. How crazy is that? This has me more emotional than anything, I think. Days from making the worst choices of my life, and someone said trust me... so I did. See, I'm even in tears right now! Who would have thought my life could go thru such a dramatic transformation in just a matter of weeks. I don't trust many people, but this person in part of the small group I do trust. If anyone else had come to me with the same offer, my answer would have been... probably not a friendly one.
Most everything is coming together wonderfully for the ride, just a bit stressed about having enough raffle prizes. And getting the map updated.
I got a huge positive kick in the rear yesterday, not even sure why brought it on, but I decided April is going to be an epic month for me in so many ways. I'm excited to reach some personal health and fitness goals, relationship goals, and I have decided I want to be all in with the business aspect of this amazing, life changing product that I love so much! I may not do huge with sales, but I have sales goals, and I have other goals within the business aspect as well.
Another realization hit me yesterday- I either need to lose a lot of weight or buy an entire new summer wardrobe. Seriously, how the hell did I get this far out of control? Oh yeah... depression, anxiety, and just not caring about myself or anything else.
So here I am, the first day of April, feeling incredible and more positive than ever about the future... MY future!
And of course I will always post at the end of each blog, my link for you to learn about this incredible life altering nutrition and lifestyle program! If you want to feel amazing and change your life like I have, check it out and then contact me! Redmccann.le-vel.com
Love and light to all!🌺
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