We all have goals and dreams, some want to drive a nice car, some want to live in New York City, some want to be able to live life on their terms... and we all have our own reasons for these things.
A lot of people don't understand my dreams, there are times that even I don't quite get why I want the things I do!
I want to live in a small town. I want to be financially stable- not rich, just to be able to stay out of debt and know that if an emergency comes up, it can be covered. I want to be able to give my grandkids the things I was never able to give my daughter as a parent. I want to cut my friends down to those who truly care, who are not filled with negativity. I want to help people, and I want my family to be happy. I want to work again, and drive again... and I want my husband to work less.
Doesn't seem like too much to ask, right? Then why does it seem so hard!?
Some of my goals and dreams need work from both my husband and I, we need to support each other in our goals. But some are things I need to work on by myself. Those seem to be the hard ones. Where I have to dig deep inside and decide how to do things without hurting people, how to succeed at one thing without failing myself in another way.
I also have to take into consideration my husbands goals. What if he wants to live in New York City? He doesn't, I'm just using that as an example. But what if your dreams are totally opposite your spouses? What do you do? What if he won't support you in reaching your goals? What if you think his goals are stupid?
Sacrifice. You married this person, you love this person. You both have to make sacrifices until you can come to an agreement on life goals. If he wants to retire to Alaska, and you want to retire to Hawaii... then compromise, find a place you both like that can offer you both something. Never force your partner to give up on their dreams... chances are, he will give up on you before giving up the dream. Support is huge!
For me, I am done with the city, I am done with all the people. I know my husband still needs to work and I know that I can't move away from my daughter yet, she still needs me for now. So I am being patient but working on the things I need to do to be able to make that escape from the city happen when we are ready... if it ever happens. Like I said, we don't always have the same dreams as our partners and I have no idea if mine is really willing to change to that kind of life. But, compromise can happen.
I will never stop living for my goals... whether it is owning an acre in a town of less than 1000 people, or losing 10 pounds... any goal I set- I will achieve. What do we live for if we don't have something to look forward to tomorrow?
My Love
Monday, September 28, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Soul Searching
I was not raised in a religious home. My dad was raised Southern Baptist, my mother- Lutheran... I have a memory of being sent to some random church as a child, but my parents didn't go with us. We protested and never had to go again. that was it. The only time there was ever a prayer in my house was at the holidays if there was family visiting.
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Relationships
Relationships, as most people know, are not fairy tales! Happily ever after doesn't really exist... if you are lucky enough to find that- it actually takes a lot of work! Any relationship takes a lot of work! As some of you know, my marriage has been kind of rocky, almost to the point of giving up. But we love each other more than anything, and we are determined to make it work and make each other happy.
Pick your battles... is it really the end of the world if she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it worth walking away because he drinks milk out of the carton?
Sacrifice is mandatory! You love this person the way he is, don't try to turn him into that guy with the six pack abs. Don't tell her she can't hang out with that one friend you don't like.
Trust? Do you love him? Or a better question- do you believe he loves you? Then why in the world would there be a reason not to trust him?
Quality time is vital! Not with the family, not with friends, and not with the TV! Remember date night? That shouldn't end just because you are married! This past weekend we went away, just the two of us. We stayed at a place that had no televisions and no cell phone service! It was an amazing weekend!
Don't forget the little things! A card, a nice dinner, a surprise of any kind! Open her car door, put a love note in his lunch. Romance needs to remain in a relationship if you want to avoid the rut that most of us fall into.
Remember to always communicate! If you have a concern, talk about it! If you broke her favorite vase- tell her, if you overspent at the mall- tell him!
That brings me to finances... money is the biggest issue in relationships! It needs to be talked about! Expenses, budgets, splurges, don't hide money and don't try to pretend there is more money than there is. Communicate and budget!
I sadly admit that I have been married 5 times, none of the first 4 lasted more than 2 years... I refuse to give up this time, I love my husband and he loves me and what we have is worth fighting to keep... no matter how hard it gets- don't walk away if you truly love someone!
I watch as my daughter is falling more and more in love, and planning for a wedding. They are learning some of the struggles already, but they are so in love and I know they will do whatever it takes to have their happily ever after. It is refreshing to see young new love. it's a reminder of how things should be!
I see friends struggling in relationships- it seems there is usually one partner who keeps screwing up and one partner who is incredibly strong, supportive, and devoted... be that devoted person! Look at your loved one and remind yourself why you fell in love, think back to what your dreams were- and make them happen now! life is too short to let the best thing in your life slip away!
Pick your battles... is it really the end of the world if she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it worth walking away because he drinks milk out of the carton?
Sacrifice is mandatory! You love this person the way he is, don't try to turn him into that guy with the six pack abs. Don't tell her she can't hang out with that one friend you don't like.
Trust? Do you love him? Or a better question- do you believe he loves you? Then why in the world would there be a reason not to trust him?
Quality time is vital! Not with the family, not with friends, and not with the TV! Remember date night? That shouldn't end just because you are married! This past weekend we went away, just the two of us. We stayed at a place that had no televisions and no cell phone service! It was an amazing weekend!
Don't forget the little things! A card, a nice dinner, a surprise of any kind! Open her car door, put a love note in his lunch. Romance needs to remain in a relationship if you want to avoid the rut that most of us fall into.
Remember to always communicate! If you have a concern, talk about it! If you broke her favorite vase- tell her, if you overspent at the mall- tell him!
That brings me to finances... money is the biggest issue in relationships! It needs to be talked about! Expenses, budgets, splurges, don't hide money and don't try to pretend there is more money than there is. Communicate and budget!
I sadly admit that I have been married 5 times, none of the first 4 lasted more than 2 years... I refuse to give up this time, I love my husband and he loves me and what we have is worth fighting to keep... no matter how hard it gets- don't walk away if you truly love someone!
I watch as my daughter is falling more and more in love, and planning for a wedding. They are learning some of the struggles already, but they are so in love and I know they will do whatever it takes to have their happily ever after. It is refreshing to see young new love. it's a reminder of how things should be!
I see friends struggling in relationships- it seems there is usually one partner who keeps screwing up and one partner who is incredibly strong, supportive, and devoted... be that devoted person! Look at your loved one and remind yourself why you fell in love, think back to what your dreams were- and make them happen now! life is too short to let the best thing in your life slip away!
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Life Worth Living
Do you have a passion? A cause you strongly support? I do, actually there are a few... but the majority of them revolve around one thing. Military. Fallen, wounded, serving, vets... If I can show support, or help one person, I'm there!
There is a group of bikers who are all combat veterans, and this past weekend they put on an event called Ride to Zero. This was in support of PTSD Suicide Awareness. To help with research and to let these vets who are suffering know that there are people who care! The turn out and support of this event blew away their hopes and expectations! They had over 300 registered riders, raised way more money than they ever dreamed! And this was the first year of this event... the first event this group had ever organized! It was a very emotional event, to see all the support was so touching!
After losing a dear friend to PTSD suicide, before it was really acknowledged as a medical condition, and getting to know a few families who have lost their heroes to this, I am a big supporter of finding better ways to support and treat these people!
There is a group of bikers who are all combat veterans, and this past weekend they put on an event called Ride to Zero. This was in support of PTSD Suicide Awareness. To help with research and to let these vets who are suffering know that there are people who care! The turn out and support of this event blew away their hopes and expectations! They had over 300 registered riders, raised way more money than they ever dreamed! And this was the first year of this event... the first event this group had ever organized! It was a very emotional event, to see all the support was so touching!
After losing a dear friend to PTSD suicide, before it was really acknowledged as a medical condition, and getting to know a few families who have lost their heroes to this, I am a big supporter of finding better ways to support and treat these people!
This was a day I will not soon forget, it is also an event I plan to participate in every year! And hopefully be able to be a volunteer in future years.
If you know someone suffering with PTSD, if you are concerned for their well being... please reach out to them and let them know you care! Contact someone who can help them! Just knowing they cave friends who care and love them and that life truly is worth living- is a huge help!
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
So Much
Isn't life an incredible adventure? The past week has just blown me away with things I am learning and experiences I am having!
First off, I am thrilled to announce that as of today I am officially eligible to have my felony record expunged! Erased, gone! I just need to come up with the money and go thru the process, and I should be done in a few months! So exciting for me to be able to put that behind me!
My daughter got engaged... the realization that she is not a little girl anymore! I am so proud of the young woman she has become, and I am so thrilled about this next chapter of her life! She has not had an easy life, she has seen relationships crumble all around her, yet she still believes in true love and happiness.
I have learned a lot about myself this past week as well. Relationship problems happen everywhere, and it takes something drastic to open a persons eyes and see what is really going on, what is truly the problem. I am not the person I used to be, and altho a part of me says I want that person back, truth is, I'm not that person anymore! I am someone else now, and I love who I am! Walk away from that past existence, that former personality and just enjoy the life we have today! I am blessed to have the life I have and I am happy to keep it this way and move forward!
A few days ago something came to my attention that could have been devastating to my family and extended family. I immediately addressed it, with no acceptable resolution... after a few days of pondering on it I decided to follow thru on an idea that popped into my head. I am so grateful for the fact that I have my health back, and found motivation and faith in myself to do what I am setting off to do... if all goes right this will be huge! More info on that as things progress. But for now just let me say this-- parents beware, there are child predators all over the internet, convicted pedophiles on social media. Please be careful!
This weekend I was reminded of the things that truly matter in life... time spent with friends, making memories and having fun. Happiness, love, and smiles and laughter!
Today I woke to the most touching message I've ever gotten from a customer... she started on her Thrive experience and was a day one thriver, she is already convinced her live is forever changed and saved by the fact that I helped her get started on this product. It is so amazing to get those kind of comments from people, to know that I really am helping people.
Get out there people, change your life, change someone elses life! Be happy and share that happiness! Life is way to short to not be happy, to not chase your dreams!
First off, I am thrilled to announce that as of today I am officially eligible to have my felony record expunged! Erased, gone! I just need to come up with the money and go thru the process, and I should be done in a few months! So exciting for me to be able to put that behind me!
My daughter got engaged... the realization that she is not a little girl anymore! I am so proud of the young woman she has become, and I am so thrilled about this next chapter of her life! She has not had an easy life, she has seen relationships crumble all around her, yet she still believes in true love and happiness.
I have learned a lot about myself this past week as well. Relationship problems happen everywhere, and it takes something drastic to open a persons eyes and see what is really going on, what is truly the problem. I am not the person I used to be, and altho a part of me says I want that person back, truth is, I'm not that person anymore! I am someone else now, and I love who I am! Walk away from that past existence, that former personality and just enjoy the life we have today! I am blessed to have the life I have and I am happy to keep it this way and move forward!
A few days ago something came to my attention that could have been devastating to my family and extended family. I immediately addressed it, with no acceptable resolution... after a few days of pondering on it I decided to follow thru on an idea that popped into my head. I am so grateful for the fact that I have my health back, and found motivation and faith in myself to do what I am setting off to do... if all goes right this will be huge! More info on that as things progress. But for now just let me say this-- parents beware, there are child predators all over the internet, convicted pedophiles on social media. Please be careful!
This weekend I was reminded of the things that truly matter in life... time spent with friends, making memories and having fun. Happiness, love, and smiles and laughter!
Today I woke to the most touching message I've ever gotten from a customer... she started on her Thrive experience and was a day one thriver, she is already convinced her live is forever changed and saved by the fact that I helped her get started on this product. It is so amazing to get those kind of comments from people, to know that I really am helping people.
Get out there people, change your life, change someone elses life! Be happy and share that happiness! Life is way to short to not be happy, to not chase your dreams!
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Another Day With Epilepsy
You know, life is strange. I have suffered this disease for about 35 years, there have been some really bad stretches of time and some really good stretches. In the beginning I had roughly one serious seizure a month, then they dropped and became more random but less often. I was blessed to not have any serious seizures during my 15 months of incarceration... altho I did have a few very small ones. In recent years they have become more random, more often, but less severe. I have seizures almost daily- but small ones, partials, absence seizures, things that only last a minute and I don't lose consciousness. But when I do have the big ones, they seem to be more severe- and still rather random.
Last night was one of those. My husband had gone to bed, the kids were out, I was watching TV with my dogs. I don't even remember what triggered it, but as I started into it, it came on fast! No time to yell for Troy, I remember fighting to release my glasses from my hand- last time I totally destroyed my glasses. I was sitting on the sofa thinking I should try to get to the floor... but I didn't have time for that. The last thing I remember was my dog Sadie sitting in front of me on the sofa licking my face. I have no idea how long I was out, but I woke up exhausted, but not as sore as usual. I really don't have much recollection of the rest of the night between the seizure and being in bed. Both my dogs slept very close to me, they always keep me safe.
I woke up at 12:30... no idea when I had climbed into bed, but I needed more water- the dehydration that goes along with my seizures is something that can't even be matched by normal causes of being dehydrated! I slowly got up, experiencing the jello legs, overall weakness in my body, and aches that are expected, and slowly made my way to the kitchen. During that time I was out of bed, I noticed my mouth hurt... one of the most common injuries for me is biting my mouth- the inside of my lip is all messed up right now!
I also realized I have a big bump on my shin... I looked at it in the light- it's bruised and hurts! I don't normally get injuries like this, because I am usually able to make it to a place clear of furniture or other things that I could hurt myself on. But I have a wrought iron coffee table. So I am guessing I slammed my leg into it. I have had a couple serious injuries from this table in the past- a few years ago I hit my head on it.
This morning that bump on my leg has gone down a bit, altho the bruise is developing quickly! The sores in my mouth have stopped bleeding, and will take a few days to heal. I am not nearly as sore as I normally would be at this point, and altho I am tired, I am up!
That may not sound like anything to be excited about for those of you who have never experienced this... but it is a blessing. 6 months ago if I had a seizure, I would be so sore and totally exhausted for 2 to 3 days, not getting out of bed unless I absolutely had to. My muscles refused to cooperate with me, my head would throb, I had zero strength.
But since I made the decision to improve my health, to change my lifestyle with Thrive, I now recover from these horrific experiences in hours, not days.
I have always had hopes that one day this disease will leave me, but as I get older, I realize this is with me forever. I fear being old and having these seizures, when my body is not able to recover... but that is a longs ways off- and I cannot dwell on the what ifs.
This is now, and this is my life with epilepsy. I am grateful to be alive and I am grateful for the ability to overcome.
Last night was one of those. My husband had gone to bed, the kids were out, I was watching TV with my dogs. I don't even remember what triggered it, but as I started into it, it came on fast! No time to yell for Troy, I remember fighting to release my glasses from my hand- last time I totally destroyed my glasses. I was sitting on the sofa thinking I should try to get to the floor... but I didn't have time for that. The last thing I remember was my dog Sadie sitting in front of me on the sofa licking my face. I have no idea how long I was out, but I woke up exhausted, but not as sore as usual. I really don't have much recollection of the rest of the night between the seizure and being in bed. Both my dogs slept very close to me, they always keep me safe.
I woke up at 12:30... no idea when I had climbed into bed, but I needed more water- the dehydration that goes along with my seizures is something that can't even be matched by normal causes of being dehydrated! I slowly got up, experiencing the jello legs, overall weakness in my body, and aches that are expected, and slowly made my way to the kitchen. During that time I was out of bed, I noticed my mouth hurt... one of the most common injuries for me is biting my mouth- the inside of my lip is all messed up right now!
I also realized I have a big bump on my shin... I looked at it in the light- it's bruised and hurts! I don't normally get injuries like this, because I am usually able to make it to a place clear of furniture or other things that I could hurt myself on. But I have a wrought iron coffee table. So I am guessing I slammed my leg into it. I have had a couple serious injuries from this table in the past- a few years ago I hit my head on it.
This morning that bump on my leg has gone down a bit, altho the bruise is developing quickly! The sores in my mouth have stopped bleeding, and will take a few days to heal. I am not nearly as sore as I normally would be at this point, and altho I am tired, I am up!
That may not sound like anything to be excited about for those of you who have never experienced this... but it is a blessing. 6 months ago if I had a seizure, I would be so sore and totally exhausted for 2 to 3 days, not getting out of bed unless I absolutely had to. My muscles refused to cooperate with me, my head would throb, I had zero strength.
But since I made the decision to improve my health, to change my lifestyle with Thrive, I now recover from these horrific experiences in hours, not days.
I have always had hopes that one day this disease will leave me, but as I get older, I realize this is with me forever. I fear being old and having these seizures, when my body is not able to recover... but that is a longs ways off- and I cannot dwell on the what ifs.
This is now, and this is my life with epilepsy. I am grateful to be alive and I am grateful for the ability to overcome.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
depression sucks
Depression is really difficult... yes, I suffer depression. The past few months have been up than down, but those down days still happen, and still suck! For the longest time I thought it was just something inside of me that I couldn't control, that couldn't be controlled. But lately when I have these down days I stop and think, I focus on why I am down... and what can be done to change it. Well, I'm figuring some things out on this journey to better mental and emotional health...
The worst thing to experience is being depressed- when you have every reason in the world (almost) to be happy, figuring out what the problem is- what is really causing you to be having all this emotional crap, and realizing there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to change it with no results... everything stays the same. Meaning the depression will always be there... until you pick yourself up and go about making those changes in a totally different manner. Yes, that's where I am. I have figured out what needs to be done to make these changes, but it is far from a simple process, unfortunately it cannot happen over night. So here I sit, about to break into tears for what seems to everyone around me- no reason at all. And this will continue until I have what I need to make this change.
Depression sucks. Not having people who support you or understand sucks. feeling alone sucks. One day I will find peace, and I know the depression will all but disappear! I refuse to live in a constant state of rollercoaster emotions, random tears, being misunderstood by those who care.
That is all for now, just needed to get that out.
The worst thing to experience is being depressed- when you have every reason in the world (almost) to be happy, figuring out what the problem is- what is really causing you to be having all this emotional crap, and realizing there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to change it with no results... everything stays the same. Meaning the depression will always be there... until you pick yourself up and go about making those changes in a totally different manner. Yes, that's where I am. I have figured out what needs to be done to make these changes, but it is far from a simple process, unfortunately it cannot happen over night. So here I sit, about to break into tears for what seems to everyone around me- no reason at all. And this will continue until I have what I need to make this change.
Depression sucks. Not having people who support you or understand sucks. feeling alone sucks. One day I will find peace, and I know the depression will all but disappear! I refuse to live in a constant state of rollercoaster emotions, random tears, being misunderstood by those who care.
That is all for now, just needed to get that out.
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