What it takes

As I admitted in an earlier post this week, I was suicidal ten days ago, nonstop crying, wondering if I could get thru everything that was weighing on me... I kept telling myself "just a couple more days." Well, I made it those couple days and got to where I felt safe and where I could relax and de-stress.
Tomorrow I go home. The past 7 days was just what was needed! No work or calls from work. None of the stresses of my marriage or my finances, I was able to put aside the things that have been killing my mind and my heart and just ... do nothing! I watched tv, I walked, I went to lunch with an old friend, I ate, I slept, I bathed in a jetted tub... I just relaxed. I reset. My only responsibilities were to take care of the dog and bring in the mail. Plenty of time for just me! No phone calls, only a couple text messages, I really did just shut myself out. I had time to think and plan, understand a couple things and accept some things.
I did realize something this week... don't ever allow yourself to get to that point. Reach out to someone- anyone! The day you fear yourself and what you could do to yourself, is the day to pick up the phone and call someone, tell someone what you are going thru, let it out... let someone in.
Tomorrow I will go home. I will be returning to some of the things that bring me down, but I will also be returning to things that lift me up. I will focus on the positive, I will look to the future and not dwell on the present. I will take things one day at a time and leave the past behind me.
We all need to run away once in a while. I am thankful for this family for trusting me and opening their home to me. I truly believe I would not be here to be writing this if I had not gotten away from my reality when I did.

More about this depression

A week ago I was on the verge of suicide. I was truly at the end of my rope and at a loss for what to do or how to go on. I hid from reality, I cried my way thru the next three days- just praying I could make it to my vacation. I knew that once I got away, had some time to myself- that I'd find a way to start felling a little better. Friday immediately after work, I had my husband bring me to my 'home away from home' vacation, and drop me off.
I haven't been bothered with work stress, I am not having relationship issues shoved in my face, I am not stressing about financial things, I'm trying to not to think about any of the things that have been beating me down... and its helping! Sadly I can't put aside the health issues that have me stressed and depressed, but I'm relaxed and getting a few things sorted thru my head. Coming up with ideas and plans, realizing I can't fix some things and need to just let them play out on their own, and the things I can change- I know I have the strength and ability to change... some things will just take time. I don't have much patience, something I struggle with... when I want something changed- I want it now. But I know that isn't going to happen.
I have relationships that are breaking apart, and this is one of the hardest things for me to accept. Seeing those I love change and become more distant is a crushing blow to my heart. seeing those I love not do the things that are best for them, or that damage our relationship more... very painful. I don't like losing people... especially when they can't see what is happening.
This time away I have been able to find the positive in my life, focus on those who are there for me and the things that make me smile, the things I do control in my life, and the positive changes I can make... in my own life.
I am one who worries more about everyone else and their feelings and well being before taking care of me or worrying about how I really feel. That's what a mom and wife does, right? Set our own needs aside to care for everyone else. But I go beyond that. I keep my feelings buried so I don't hurt anyones feelings, I do things for others before thinking how it will effect me- physically or emotionally.
I know this week away with time to think isn't going to magically turn everything around, I know I have a lot of work and a lot of focusing to do to keep myself on the right path, to get me back to being the person that I always wear the mask of.
These getaways are always a fabulous time for me to get my mind in order, to just forget and refresh. And return home with a new attitude.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, this has been the worst my depression has been in a number of years, maybe the worst ever. I can't say that everything is going to be fabulous when I go home, but I'm definitely on the right track. 

a day in the life of epilepsy

Last night I went to bed feeling a bit off. I woke about an hour later having a bit of a panic attack... seizure coming? I swiped my magnet and laid my head back down... it didn't help. The panic got worse and I felt the oncoming seizure. I shot out of bed, grabbed my phone and magnet and ran upstairs. Just as I got to the top of the stairs the seizure was starting. I swiped my magnet again and fumbled for a light switch... I am house sitting, I am not in my own home this week, so light switches and things are not just where I know them to be. The basement is a terrifying place for me to have a seizure- any basement... What if I got hurt? no one would find me if they came to the house, the basement is dark- even during the day.
I got to the center of the living room- safe place- big open area, I think I swiped my magnet three times- I went to the floor but the seizure did stop. I sat on the floor and caught my breath and allowed my muscles to regain some strength- hard to walk when your legs are jello! I went to the kitchen and had a huge glass of water. 
When I went back downstairs to return to bed, I couldn't do it. I rarely have multiple seizures in one night- but what if? I put on my sweats, got my pillow, turned of the tv, and went upstairs! I felt much more comfortable in the reclining sectional in the living room!
Anxiety left, my body and my mind were truly ready to sleep!
This is my life with epilepsy these days. It's hard when Im alone,but then again sometimes when I do have someone there- I wish I was alone! No one can take away the anxiety, or the seizure, no one can stop the things that go thru my head during these events.
I always say I have no fear, that I have faced and overcome my fears... but I actually do have one fear. I am scared to grow old alone, to have these health issues that I know as I get older- leave me risking injury and not being able to get help. I've heard stories of people breaking a hip from a seizure related fall, what if I hit my head bad? I know- all 'what ifs' but I still think about them.
I've had 2 mini strokes, both tied to seizures. What if I have a major stroke? And no one is around to see that something is wrong... Then again no one noticed after the second stroke even in a house full of people. I still have signs of the last stroke, its part of what is causing my depression- Im so frustrated with the changes and my inability to do things the way I should.
I woke up this morning a bit achy and still very tired, but I get up. Staying in bed might be an option while I'm away from home, but not in my regular life. I have a job, I have a home and husband to take care of... I have responsibilities that I can't just ignore because I don't feel good. So I get up, I do what I have to do.
I continue to pray for a cure, or that one day I will just stop having these seizures. But until that actually happens... 

Depression

I have so many different things going on in my head and in my heart right now, so many topics I could focus on to write... all I know right now is that I need to write!
I've been dealing with a number of health related issues in recent months, this, in more ways that one, has contributed to my depression that is at an all time level right now. I haven't talked to anyone about the health concerns- nothing can be done and I am one of those who hates the sympathy thing! I try to hide it best I can- I take naps, I cringe in pain when no one can see, hide in the back room at work when I can't handle it... I hold the breakdowns for when I'm alone. My health isn't the only thing contributing to the depression, obviously, I have a lot going on in my life that has me stressed and down. I don't take meds for depression anymore, maybe I should! But at this point I truly don't think it would help... I need to solve the problems, I need to fix what's broken in order for me to not be broken. Pills can't do that.
I won't go into detail about the things causing my stress and depression, other than I am overworked, I have some relationship issues with a couple people and recently lost the one person who I never thought would walk out of my life- over something as stupid as politics... That has affected me more than I ever expected it could, she meant the world to me. I feel very much alone in everything I do, everything I am going thru, I feel alone in my life.
I have 2 amazing friends- unexpected best friends, who hold me together. I dont' think they realize they do, they don't really understand what is wrong with me and probably feel sometimes they are the problem... maybe a little of my stress comes from them, but nothing I can't work thru! They have been my saviors, my reason to keep pushing...
This week I stopped pushing. I finally broke, stopped caring- about anything or anyone... including myself. I've been scared of myself, and I have valid reason to feel that way. All week I have just been barely dragging thru, trying with all I had left to just get to this weekend. Vacation started- me time- an entire week away from home and away from work by myself. Time to escape the things that weigh so heavy on my mind. Of course those things still exist and will be there when I return... but for now I don't them staring me in the face. I can get a bit of peace, some time to clear my head and relax and try to remember why I do what I do and just maybe break some of this down and see if I can focus on each part of what has me so broken rather than all of it.
I'd like to say I am strong and I will get thru this just like all the other hard times I've had... but I honestly can't say that at this point. I do not remember a time that my depression was ever as bad as it is right now, and yes, I am scared. I have asked myself a dozen times this week  what do I have to even live for anymore? All the things I used to come up with... aren't there now.