I knew she was in the hospital, I had no idea it had gotten to this point. I was devastated, to say the least. I was at an event, supporting another cause of death... when that text came thru. I ran outside, collapsed on the sidewalk screaming and crying. This wasn't real! Not yet! I knew it was coming but... NO!!!
Chelle was my best friend. When we met she was a friend. She became a lover. we returned to the friend zone. She worked for me. She stalked me. I cut her from my life for a while. But we returned to being friends... best friends! We talked about everything, no secrets- ever.
When I learned she was sick, I was terrified. But she was young and strong and was going to beat it! As time went on, she never let anyone see her pain. She was always so positive, so happy, never complained about anything... no matter how bad it was. She hid the truth from those who were even closest to her. I think she was protecting us.
I didn't sleep that night... I just kept looking at her picture, pictures of us, of her smile, of her family. The following day I wandered around like a zombie- I had no focus, no purpose that day. Constantly bursting into tears... how do I do this? And what about her family? How will they do this? I was truly lost that day. Wednesday was a little better, but still so confused and a bit in denial at that point... then the info on the funeral came. Thursday! They knew, they had to have already made arrangements for it to be that quick.
So Thursday we went to the mortuary. I hate funerals. But I had to be there. What do I hate more than funerals? Viewings. I never attend that part... but again- I had to, I had to say good bye, I had to see her one last time. That moment made it real. I saw my Chelle, surrounded by her NY Yankees gear, I didn't pay attention to her evil little grin, or how they made her look... I noticed that her glasses were crooked- and I cried. I saw the bruising on her arm from the IVs. I took her hand, she was so cold... I collapsed again just bawling. This wasn't real! She was going to squeeze my hand and spit out some smart ass remark about our coffee date! No, that didn't happen. I stood with her for quite a while, talking to her, crying to her. I kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. But I couldn't walk away yet. I wasn't ready for this to be the end.
I returned to see her as they were preparing for the casket to be closed, I approached and said my last goodbye. I had my back turned as they closed the casket (her dear family allowed me to be a part of this moment), I had my good friend holding me up as I cried into his arm.
The service was nice, I even giggled a couple times. I wanted to get up and say a few things, but realized most of my memories and things I would have to say would be totally inappropriate for a funeral! We went to the graveside for the dedication, I got flowers to put on the casket, and that was my final farewell. I could not stay and watch as they lowered her body into the ground.
I know her spirit still lives. I know she will haunt me and mess with me until I join her. But I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice, I can't text her, I can't go to her house for a cup of coffee and talking. I'm lost.
Saturday night we celebrated her life with family and friends and a few drinks and memories. It was good to have people together who all loved her- celebrating and having an amazing time in her honor. But there were still sad moments of loss- as there always will be when we think of Chelle.
I have lost people before, but no one I was ever this close to. No one who mattered like she did. I have heard so many times that you can't compare your own experiences with someone elses, you can't tell someone how to grieve or when to get past it. These things are so true! No, I didn't lose a child or even a parent. I didn't lose someone to murder or a car crash, or to old age. I lost my very best friend... a 41 year old mom who had just learned she was going to be a grandmother. I lost her to illness, cancer. I believe I have always been a very compassionate and caring person when it comes to friends losing a loved one. I never claimed to understand their pain, but I always show compassion. I can now say I do, to some degree, understand that pain. Altho we all have different pain and different levels of grief, I do feel I have a much better understanding now... and I just need to say I don't like it!
Life will be different without Chelle, but my life will go on. I got a job the day after her funeral! I have a wedding to plan. I have a family to take care of. I lost an important part of my life last week, there is a hole in my heart, I will never forget her. But giving up on my own life and family is not an option.
To all of you who have ever lost a loved one- I am so very sorry for the pain. Remember the good times, the smiles. Think what that person would want you to be doing... make them proud!
I love you Chelle! Michelle Wardle 2~3~75 to 2~22~16 Fly with Angels!
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