What an emotional roller coaster the past couple days have been! I love that I have been able to return to work, each day I thank God for this! Well, Monday I hit a major bump in this path.
When I was hired I had explained my limitations, including not working alone. These limits have been pushed, pretty much ignored, really. And Monday it happened... I was alone, and had a major seizure. Fear, panic, then defeat. Yes, I was so frustrated and felt so defeated. Maybe I'm not ready to be working. I had one young couple in the store at the time... I was able to get my phone turned on and handed to them before I went down. I could see the fear in their faces, they had no idea what was happening... but all I could see was that I wasn't really alone- someone was with me. They called my daughter, who in turn called my husband. They called 911. My husband showed up, the fire department came. The store was closed until I was able to call for someone to come in... my boss didn't answer her phone. I went home in tears... I felt I had failed. Overwhelmed with frustration, guilt for the gal who came in to cover the rest of my shift, and that stupid frustration!
I spent the entire next day thinking about this job... should I continue? Can I continue? or do I give up? NO! I hate the idea of giving up! I refuse to fail! I tried to contact my boss about my schedule... never did hear back. Really? After what happened at her store, to one of her employees, not only did she not respond to my message, but she didn't bother to call and check on me? Honestly- the most irritating part of this entire thing! I messaged her today, and finally did get a response, but not even sure at this point if I want to continue working for her! I made it clear that I cannot and will not work alone again. She said she has tomorrow covered but still needs me tonight... what part of cannot and will not doesn't she get? I told her if I have to be alone, I will not show up. Surprise~ a couple hours later she had my shift covered. I have yet to be asked how I am doing.
Do I really want to work for someone so focused on business that they don't care about the people? Does she not understand that the people are what make the business possible? I have been told next weeks schedule has not been finished yet because she is trying to make it work for me. This made me happy because I was ready to call her and tell her I can't continue working for her.
This has all been a huge wake up call for me. As I said, I love working again! And I have never allowed my disease to stop me from doing what I want. A lot of 'what ifs' went thru my head about that night, but that's all they were... I am ok, the store is ok.
I really am looking forward to returning to work, as long as my boss understands the severity of the situation, and the seriousness of my limitations.
Monday was the first time I have had a seizure away from home and away from the people who know how to care for me- in a very long time, it is indescribably frightening. Stopping work will not stop the seizures, having someone with me while working will not stop them... but having someone with me at work, someone I can explain things to, teach them what to do- that will help me feel better about being there.
So here's to standing up for my self esteem, for my limitations, and for my determination! I will be back at work in a couple days!
My Love
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Bump in the Road
As I mentioned previously, I rejoined the working folk, I got a part time job at 7-11. When I started it was decided I would limit myself to 5 hour shifts to be sure I wouldn't overdo it. Well, the first 2 weeks- I overdid it. I repeatedly talked to my boss about trying to change the hours she was giving me- more than we had originally agreed on. But I'm a worker, I'm a pleaser. I wanted to do what was needed, and I didn't want to disappoint my boss.
Lesson learned! My health is my priority! My body was not ready for what I threw myself into. I refused to give up- I am not a quitter! But I did end up having to call in sick for a 7 hour shift I was scheduled for. My body had gone into shut down mode. I spent the better part of 2 days in bed, on the sofa, just doing nothing at all. Today I feel like myself again and I am anxious to get back to work tomorrow night! It's a short shift, so I'm not concerned. I am really hoping, however, that she realizes now, that when I say I can only do limited hours and shifts- that I mean it. Calling in is not something I like doing, in the past I would go anyway and deal with the suffering and consequences- likely a major seizure while at work! But I cannot let that happen. I have gotten to a point in my life that I am so extremely thankful for the health challenges I have been given and the fight it took to overcome all of that. I still have those issues- but they are controlled and managed- and I am not willing to allow set backs, I don't want to return to the way I was... I am not ready to get old!
So back to work tomorrow, and my second paycheck arrives tomorrow! I will lay down the rules of my limits with my boss, I will work 25 hours a week and be productive and social. I will continue to bring financial help into my home and positive energy into my life! I absolutely love being a part of the working world again and I refuse to give up! This is a dream, this is a goal, this is the next step of the life I want to be living!
So the overworked last week and needing to take a day for myself- that was a small setback, but not really! I lost a lot of my positive attitude for a couple days, but I bounced back- just a minor bump in the road- they happen! I expected them, but I got so excited and maybe a bit over confident. But I got this, I know I do!
Thanx to my husband for all his support and patience thru this. My daughter for stepping up and helping with meals and other things at home while I'm working. My Thrive, for helping me improve my health physically as well as emotionally. My awesome friends for the support and motivation. And my sweet puppies who greet me after work like I've been gone for days! They are just the sweetest- never, since we have had them, have I had a job or anything where I left every day for extended time. I really think they feel I'm leaving them.
To those of you who hate your jobs or wish you didn't have to work... be thankful! One day you may find yourself unable to work, unable to provide for your family... and you won't like that. Dream your dreams and set your goals... and don't ever stop until you have those things!
Lesson learned! My health is my priority! My body was not ready for what I threw myself into. I refused to give up- I am not a quitter! But I did end up having to call in sick for a 7 hour shift I was scheduled for. My body had gone into shut down mode. I spent the better part of 2 days in bed, on the sofa, just doing nothing at all. Today I feel like myself again and I am anxious to get back to work tomorrow night! It's a short shift, so I'm not concerned. I am really hoping, however, that she realizes now, that when I say I can only do limited hours and shifts- that I mean it. Calling in is not something I like doing, in the past I would go anyway and deal with the suffering and consequences- likely a major seizure while at work! But I cannot let that happen. I have gotten to a point in my life that I am so extremely thankful for the health challenges I have been given and the fight it took to overcome all of that. I still have those issues- but they are controlled and managed- and I am not willing to allow set backs, I don't want to return to the way I was... I am not ready to get old!
So back to work tomorrow, and my second paycheck arrives tomorrow! I will lay down the rules of my limits with my boss, I will work 25 hours a week and be productive and social. I will continue to bring financial help into my home and positive energy into my life! I absolutely love being a part of the working world again and I refuse to give up! This is a dream, this is a goal, this is the next step of the life I want to be living!
So the overworked last week and needing to take a day for myself- that was a small setback, but not really! I lost a lot of my positive attitude for a couple days, but I bounced back- just a minor bump in the road- they happen! I expected them, but I got so excited and maybe a bit over confident. But I got this, I know I do!
Thanx to my husband for all his support and patience thru this. My daughter for stepping up and helping with meals and other things at home while I'm working. My Thrive, for helping me improve my health physically as well as emotionally. My awesome friends for the support and motivation. And my sweet puppies who greet me after work like I've been gone for days! They are just the sweetest- never, since we have had them, have I had a job or anything where I left every day for extended time. I really think they feel I'm leaving them.
To those of you who hate your jobs or wish you didn't have to work... be thankful! One day you may find yourself unable to work, unable to provide for your family... and you won't like that. Dream your dreams and set your goals... and don't ever stop until you have those things!
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Changes
Life is about constant change. Some good, some bad, some- just change.
A little over a year ago I thought my life was done changing, how much more negative change could a person take? I was done. Then change did happen~ I started my Thrive experience and everything began to change!
So now here we are a year later and so much change has taken place, and even more is happening!
I started a job last week! That is a huge change- that brings with it even more change. I am getting out of the house more, I'm meeting people and talking to people, I'm being a productive member of society again and feel I have some purpose again! I will be bringing in an income to my household! I'm more active... just so much positive with this.
But with every change, there is negative as well as positive... everything has to have balance, right? if everything in life was positive- we wouldn't appreciate the good, we wouldn't understand the ups and downs.
I'm more tired, I am starting to get a few aches again- but I believe as soon as I am used to working again, these things will fade away. I am not home to care for the family like I have been- not able to cook dinner every night, laundry gets backed up, I forget to get my husbands morning Thrive put together for him to grab as he walks out the door. The dogs miss me, my kids aren't used to me not being here- not that they need me to be here, but they aren't used to me not always being here.
It is taking a toll, but only because it has been such a long time since I've been out of the house. I know I will miss numerous events with my riding family and friends, I won't be as available to customers and my team needing my help with Thrive- but I will always find the time! That is something I am passionate about- it is the reason I am where I am today and able to have this change!
I am still struggling with the loss of Chelle, it is hard to pick up my phone and start to send her a text... then realize she will never see it... and I will never get a response.
And sadly things are not working out with my other Michelle living with us and she will be moving soon. More change, altho it will be best for all of us, it is still more change- that honestly, I am not looking forward to. But- everything happens for a reason. The good, the bad, all of it. And all of us come out better people in the end.
Change is good, even what seems negative- will eventually turn into a positive. Accept change! Embrace it!
A little over a year ago I thought my life was done changing, how much more negative change could a person take? I was done. Then change did happen~ I started my Thrive experience and everything began to change!
So now here we are a year later and so much change has taken place, and even more is happening!
I started a job last week! That is a huge change- that brings with it even more change. I am getting out of the house more, I'm meeting people and talking to people, I'm being a productive member of society again and feel I have some purpose again! I will be bringing in an income to my household! I'm more active... just so much positive with this.
But with every change, there is negative as well as positive... everything has to have balance, right? if everything in life was positive- we wouldn't appreciate the good, we wouldn't understand the ups and downs.
I'm more tired, I am starting to get a few aches again- but I believe as soon as I am used to working again, these things will fade away. I am not home to care for the family like I have been- not able to cook dinner every night, laundry gets backed up, I forget to get my husbands morning Thrive put together for him to grab as he walks out the door. The dogs miss me, my kids aren't used to me not being here- not that they need me to be here, but they aren't used to me not always being here.
It is taking a toll, but only because it has been such a long time since I've been out of the house. I know I will miss numerous events with my riding family and friends, I won't be as available to customers and my team needing my help with Thrive- but I will always find the time! That is something I am passionate about- it is the reason I am where I am today and able to have this change!
I am still struggling with the loss of Chelle, it is hard to pick up my phone and start to send her a text... then realize she will never see it... and I will never get a response.
And sadly things are not working out with my other Michelle living with us and she will be moving soon. More change, altho it will be best for all of us, it is still more change- that honestly, I am not looking forward to. But- everything happens for a reason. The good, the bad, all of it. And all of us come out better people in the end.
Change is good, even what seems negative- will eventually turn into a positive. Accept change! Embrace it!
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Loss
A week ago last night began the hardest, most emotional week I've experienced in a very long time. An experience I have never dealt with... I got a text... "the family has decided to stop support." My dear friend Michelle- Chelle, had lost her battle with cancer.
I knew she was in the hospital, I had no idea it had gotten to this point. I was devastated, to say the least. I was at an event, supporting another cause of death... when that text came thru. I ran outside, collapsed on the sidewalk screaming and crying. This wasn't real! Not yet! I knew it was coming but... NO!!!
Chelle was my best friend. When we met she was a friend. She became a lover. we returned to the friend zone. She worked for me. She stalked me. I cut her from my life for a while. But we returned to being friends... best friends! We talked about everything, no secrets- ever.
When I learned she was sick, I was terrified. But she was young and strong and was going to beat it! As time went on, she never let anyone see her pain. She was always so positive, so happy, never complained about anything... no matter how bad it was. She hid the truth from those who were even closest to her. I think she was protecting us.
I didn't sleep that night... I just kept looking at her picture, pictures of us, of her smile, of her family. The following day I wandered around like a zombie- I had no focus, no purpose that day. Constantly bursting into tears... how do I do this? And what about her family? How will they do this? I was truly lost that day. Wednesday was a little better, but still so confused and a bit in denial at that point... then the info on the funeral came. Thursday! They knew, they had to have already made arrangements for it to be that quick.
So Thursday we went to the mortuary. I hate funerals. But I had to be there. What do I hate more than funerals? Viewings. I never attend that part... but again- I had to, I had to say good bye, I had to see her one last time. That moment made it real. I saw my Chelle, surrounded by her NY Yankees gear, I didn't pay attention to her evil little grin, or how they made her look... I noticed that her glasses were crooked- and I cried. I saw the bruising on her arm from the IVs. I took her hand, she was so cold... I collapsed again just bawling. This wasn't real! She was going to squeeze my hand and spit out some smart ass remark about our coffee date! No, that didn't happen. I stood with her for quite a while, talking to her, crying to her. I kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. But I couldn't walk away yet. I wasn't ready for this to be the end.
I returned to see her as they were preparing for the casket to be closed, I approached and said my last goodbye. I had my back turned as they closed the casket (her dear family allowed me to be a part of this moment), I had my good friend holding me up as I cried into his arm.
The service was nice, I even giggled a couple times. I wanted to get up and say a few things, but realized most of my memories and things I would have to say would be totally inappropriate for a funeral! We went to the graveside for the dedication, I got flowers to put on the casket, and that was my final farewell. I could not stay and watch as they lowered her body into the ground.
I know her spirit still lives. I know she will haunt me and mess with me until I join her. But I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice, I can't text her, I can't go to her house for a cup of coffee and talking. I'm lost.
Saturday night we celebrated her life with family and friends and a few drinks and memories. It was good to have people together who all loved her- celebrating and having an amazing time in her honor. But there were still sad moments of loss- as there always will be when we think of Chelle.
I have lost people before, but no one I was ever this close to. No one who mattered like she did. I have heard so many times that you can't compare your own experiences with someone elses, you can't tell someone how to grieve or when to get past it. These things are so true! No, I didn't lose a child or even a parent. I didn't lose someone to murder or a car crash, or to old age. I lost my very best friend... a 41 year old mom who had just learned she was going to be a grandmother. I lost her to illness, cancer. I believe I have always been a very compassionate and caring person when it comes to friends losing a loved one. I never claimed to understand their pain, but I always show compassion. I can now say I do, to some degree, understand that pain. Altho we all have different pain and different levels of grief, I do feel I have a much better understanding now... and I just need to say I don't like it!
Life will be different without Chelle, but my life will go on. I got a job the day after her funeral! I have a wedding to plan. I have a family to take care of. I lost an important part of my life last week, there is a hole in my heart, I will never forget her. But giving up on my own life and family is not an option.
To all of you who have ever lost a loved one- I am so very sorry for the pain. Remember the good times, the smiles. Think what that person would want you to be doing... make them proud!
I love you Chelle! Michelle Wardle 2~3~75 to 2~22~16 Fly with Angels!
I knew she was in the hospital, I had no idea it had gotten to this point. I was devastated, to say the least. I was at an event, supporting another cause of death... when that text came thru. I ran outside, collapsed on the sidewalk screaming and crying. This wasn't real! Not yet! I knew it was coming but... NO!!!
Chelle was my best friend. When we met she was a friend. She became a lover. we returned to the friend zone. She worked for me. She stalked me. I cut her from my life for a while. But we returned to being friends... best friends! We talked about everything, no secrets- ever.
When I learned she was sick, I was terrified. But she was young and strong and was going to beat it! As time went on, she never let anyone see her pain. She was always so positive, so happy, never complained about anything... no matter how bad it was. She hid the truth from those who were even closest to her. I think she was protecting us.
I didn't sleep that night... I just kept looking at her picture, pictures of us, of her smile, of her family. The following day I wandered around like a zombie- I had no focus, no purpose that day. Constantly bursting into tears... how do I do this? And what about her family? How will they do this? I was truly lost that day. Wednesday was a little better, but still so confused and a bit in denial at that point... then the info on the funeral came. Thursday! They knew, they had to have already made arrangements for it to be that quick.
So Thursday we went to the mortuary. I hate funerals. But I had to be there. What do I hate more than funerals? Viewings. I never attend that part... but again- I had to, I had to say good bye, I had to see her one last time. That moment made it real. I saw my Chelle, surrounded by her NY Yankees gear, I didn't pay attention to her evil little grin, or how they made her look... I noticed that her glasses were crooked- and I cried. I saw the bruising on her arm from the IVs. I took her hand, she was so cold... I collapsed again just bawling. This wasn't real! She was going to squeeze my hand and spit out some smart ass remark about our coffee date! No, that didn't happen. I stood with her for quite a while, talking to her, crying to her. I kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. But I couldn't walk away yet. I wasn't ready for this to be the end.
I returned to see her as they were preparing for the casket to be closed, I approached and said my last goodbye. I had my back turned as they closed the casket (her dear family allowed me to be a part of this moment), I had my good friend holding me up as I cried into his arm.
The service was nice, I even giggled a couple times. I wanted to get up and say a few things, but realized most of my memories and things I would have to say would be totally inappropriate for a funeral! We went to the graveside for the dedication, I got flowers to put on the casket, and that was my final farewell. I could not stay and watch as they lowered her body into the ground.
I know her spirit still lives. I know she will haunt me and mess with me until I join her. But I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice, I can't text her, I can't go to her house for a cup of coffee and talking. I'm lost.
Saturday night we celebrated her life with family and friends and a few drinks and memories. It was good to have people together who all loved her- celebrating and having an amazing time in her honor. But there were still sad moments of loss- as there always will be when we think of Chelle.
I have lost people before, but no one I was ever this close to. No one who mattered like she did. I have heard so many times that you can't compare your own experiences with someone elses, you can't tell someone how to grieve or when to get past it. These things are so true! No, I didn't lose a child or even a parent. I didn't lose someone to murder or a car crash, or to old age. I lost my very best friend... a 41 year old mom who had just learned she was going to be a grandmother. I lost her to illness, cancer. I believe I have always been a very compassionate and caring person when it comes to friends losing a loved one. I never claimed to understand their pain, but I always show compassion. I can now say I do, to some degree, understand that pain. Altho we all have different pain and different levels of grief, I do feel I have a much better understanding now... and I just need to say I don't like it!
Life will be different without Chelle, but my life will go on. I got a job the day after her funeral! I have a wedding to plan. I have a family to take care of. I lost an important part of my life last week, there is a hole in my heart, I will never forget her. But giving up on my own life and family is not an option.
To all of you who have ever lost a loved one- I am so very sorry for the pain. Remember the good times, the smiles. Think what that person would want you to be doing... make them proud!
I love you Chelle! Michelle Wardle 2~3~75 to 2~22~16 Fly with Angels!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)