Self Image

I had a bit of a scary moment today. Reality crept in.
 I started my Thrive experience not knowing what to expect, really. Then I got all excited about the many changes I was experiencing! So I think my expectations grew even more. Reminder... Thrive is not a miracle, it won't just fix everything... especially if I don't put a little effort into changing some of those things I want changed.
Today I was forced to go shopping for clothes. I very much dislike shopping! But today was one of the worst. The other day when I had that big seizure, I tore my only jeans that currently fit. Today I tried on three pair of jeans in my drawer- nope, they don't fit! So off to WalMart! I refuse to buy nice expensive jeans at this size, because I do not plan to be this size for long!
So I start looking at what they have, grab a couple pair and head off to the dressing room. I'm pretty sure I cried in that dressing room today. Never in my life have I had to purchase the size pants I bought today. I was, and am, devastated! How did this happen? And why is it not changing?
So I sit here thinking this is it. I am done! I made a choice to improve my health and my life, yet, somehow, I'm not giving myself the full opportunity that I deserve! There is no reason for this, other than I am weak.
So it is time for some changes. it's time to give myself the full benefit of being healthy and happy! I am extremely healthier than I was a couple months ago. And happier? Much! But I have that one weak spot- my weight. I don't care what other people say, I care how I feel, how I look in a mirror. I am not anorexic or bulimic or any of that crap... I just need to be happy in my own body, I need to look good to ME, not to you, not to my husband, not to anyone but me. Here I am, not at all happy with the body I currently have, not at all happy that I had to buy pants bigger than I have ever bought in my life, not at all happy with what I see when I look in the mirror.
But I do have hope, and determination. I will lose this fat, I will be the size I want to be, and I will never buy pants this big again!
This couldn't have happened on a better day, I'm sure if I had stayed home, I probably would have dwelled on it and gotten more down. But I was lucky enough to have a meeting with some of the most amazing people I've come to know. Whenever I go to one of these Le-Vel locals, I always get so inspired and pick up so much motivation from those around me... it was perfect! So I do have that motivation and drive... not only to lose that weight and feel better about myself, but also to help motivate others to improve their lives.
This has been a really difficult month for me, but I am keeping my head up, and pushing thru. I will come out on top!