Messed Up Feelings

Emotional struggles are going on in my home, but silent ones. The past is returning to haunt us and there is stress and fear and other unknown emotions going on in myself and my daughter. A week and a half from now we will be looking in the face of the man who hurt my daughter. We did this once, 6 years ago... but I was so terrified of the entire situation, and in quite a bit of shock, and honestly- didn't have time in advance to prepare myself and experience all this. Now I do. We found out in November this was coming, then mid December we were given a date and time. This man will appear before the parole board to see if he can get out of prison yet. So many things tell me we have nothing to worry about yet- he has not yet completed the required sex offender program is the big one. But then there are things that creep into my head saying, yeah, he could get out... He is not in prison for what he DID, he is in prison for what the system allowed him to plea to in order to avoid a trial. HUGE difference in those things.If he had gone to prison on the original charges, we would never again have to worry about him being anywhere outside those prison walls. But that isn't our reality. He is serving 6-life, already served 9.
I hate that my daughter has to go thru all this, remembering the past that she has done so amazingly well to get past, the emotions that it all brings about. I hate that our family has to go thru this- the family who adopted my little one. And I truly hate what is going on inside of me when these things come up!
I should hate this man, and I do- for a number of reasons. But there are things inside me that just tell me I can't hate him. I was in love with this man! I trusted him and married him because I wanted to spend my life with him. He fathered a child that I gave birth to. How can I feel hatred toward that? I would love to see this man tortured and killed, really, I would! But there is a spot in my heart, a very small spot, that says leave him alone and let him go on with his life wherever he decides to do that... he is the past, leave that anger and hatred in the past. I honestly don't like hearing everyone say these mean and gruesome things, I know they think they are being supportive and just expressing their feelings toward such an evil soul. But it hurts me in a way to hear these things.
I don't know what to feel right now. I know I don't want him out of prison, I know I don't want him in any aspect of my life ever! He has done enough damage to me and my life, to my daughters, and to everyone who has known my daughter or I ever since this happened.I feel like such a terrible person for having these thoughts that I have reasons to not hate him. I really hope he gets denied parole! the idea of him getting out this year is just devastating to me, everything that would happen and change in the lives of my daughters and those I care about, I am not ready for that. And I know my daughter is not ready for it. No matter how much she says she isn't afraid anymore... I know she is terrified of the idea of him being free. My daughter is m life, her happiness is my priority.
I just want this past. If we have another parole hearing in 3 years, or six, or whatever... great! I can face these feelings again, and I will be by my daughters side- again. As many times as we have to!
As I always say, I have no regrets. Life happens and I can't always see the good or the bad in people. My amazing daughter is the woman she is today because of the pain and fear she has experienced in her life. She is strong and proud because of what she has been thru. I wish it had never happened, but I can't change the past, and I am proud of who she is today.