If I Could Turn Back Time...

In about 15 hours my daughter and I, with the support of family and friends, will be returning to our past. We will be sitting in a room similar to a court room, awaiting the man who hurt my daughter, to walk thru the door in shackles. We will listen to a hearing officer read to us all what my daughter relives all to often. We will hear this man speak, pleading his case to try to be released from prison after 9 years. My daughter has prepared a short statement to read, begging the officers of the parole board to keep him behind bars.
So many emotions for both my daughter and I. Last we saw him was 6 years ago at his first parole hearing... honestly terrifying. I can't imagine what my daughter was experiencing at that time. But she is older now, we have both done so much growing and facing our demons. We will be victorious tomorrow! No matter what the decision is, we will walk in there with our heads held high and face this head on.
I, personally, still have some things to work thru on my own before I am ready to go face to face with this man and get my closure... but I do plan to do so one day.
So to give my daughter a little extra support, we decided that we needed to get our mother daughter tattoos before this day arrives. And it needed to have meaning.

So let me back up a number of years... when she was young, she loved Cher. We both did. We would sing to every Cher song together on the radio, or when the cd was playing, she knew them all when she was 7! My favorite was always Turn Back Time. One day when she was 8, we were on vacation~ heading to southern Utah for a week of camping with my then fiance, Alan. I popped in the Cher cd and she started singing and dancing and being the silly kid she always was, While that song was on Alan was watching her and just laughing almost to tears. I turned to see what she was doing... next thing I knew we were off the road, blood and broken glass everywhere. Alan had a couple pretty nasty cuts, I messed up my leg and face, Kayla was fine!
Fast forward a couple more years... When all this nightmare was going on. I heard this song and just bawled! Every line was just everything I wanted to say to my daughter, the entire song just grabbed my heart and has been that song to my daughter ever since.
Saturday we went to see out tattoo guy, and he had drawn up exactly what we needed, a couple hours later we walked out very happy.
It's always nice to leave the past in the past, but some things will never allow us to leave them, so we make the best of what we have now, and we find strength in what was. This will always be with us, Kayla will never forget her past.
So in about three weeks we should know the outcome of tomorrow, so it really isn't over tomorrow. But the hard part will be.
Love and light to you all!

Smile!

Isn't it amazing how just a small gesture or thought can change someones day? Part of my plan for 2015 is to do something each day to make someone smile, no matter how small or how big~ just something nice. So the other day as a part of this, I started doing Facebook posts that I am calling "random friend recognitions." So many people in my life are amazing people! They should be recognized and thanked for the things they do- for me or for anyone. A couple of the people I have done this for seem to be shocked and so touched that I would do that. And that makes me happy! It feels so good to recognize real friends, it feels good to bring a smile to others, to remind them they are loved. The past few days have been amazing for me~ I'm really not sure what the change has been caused by, but I am no longer having to search for the positive! It is there- right in my face, all around me! Even with the negative, those are little things! All I feel is the positive energy, the love and happiness in life! It has been a really long time since I have felt this, and I love it! I really hope this stays for a while!
Today is National Hug Day... I want to walk up to random people and give them hugs! And I think everyone should! Wouldn't it be awesome to see people, strangers, hugging each other at the store or the parking lot? Just the idea makes me laugh, because our society is not at all open to that! But it shure would make a change to a number of people! 
Enjoy your life and take in all the joy around you! Life is too short to be unhappy.

Epilepsy Sucks

After over 30 years of having this miserable disease, one would think I would get used to the seizures. But every time I have one of the big ones I get thinking things I really need to just block out of my head! Yes, I hurt and I am exhausted the rest of the day, and these are the things I am used to and put up with. But I start thinking and that just brings me down. I have accepted that I will have this until I die, but will it one day be the cause of my death? As I get older my body can't take it as well as when I was young. One day 20 years from now I could have a seizure that injures me to the point I can't walk or something. Yeah, these are the things that go thru my head. I need to focus on the now, not the future and the what ifs. Now, I can still recover from these, and be fine in less than a day usually. Now, I have the energy and the attitude to perk back up and say this isn't going to destroy my day. I am hopeful that this new doctor will have some fabulous new plan for me once we get all the testing done. A better medication combination? The VNS? I refuse to have any type of brain surgery, I would rather continue having the seizures than go thru that at my age. But I really don't think surgery is even an option for me considering they have never found anything on my brain that is actually causing this.
The changes over the years in my seizures has been an interesting journey, and for the most part I am content with where I am right now, altho seizure free is always an amazing goal! I have had periods of years when I had no seizure activity, I have had periods of time where I couldn't go three days with no seizures. I really don't know what changed in me that created those differences... it would be wonderful to figure it out!
I was very sleepless last night, awake until after 5 am. then woke about 7:30ish going into a seizure, a big one. All I remember is one of my dogs was in my face and my other dog was laying against my back. And when I woke, it was 9:30, I was sore and so very tired, not wanting to get out of bed. I kinda saw this one coming, I get various types of warnings. I had a bloody nose a day and half ago, this seems to always happen before I have these big seizures. It's also that time of the month- which is a huge trigger... when I was younger I could count on one seizure a month. I've been having smaller seizures the past two or three days, kind of like leading up to the big one. I used to say I would rather have one big one than all these small ones, they drain me and scare me, and I still the aches after.
Epilepsy is not a fun disease to have. But I live with it. And I am much more open about it than ever before. I used to hide it from everyone, I didn't want people to think I was a freak. But I learned that if people are aware of my condition, they are more likely to be able to help if the situation ever come up.
If you know someone with epilepsy, I beg  you to educate yourself on what to do and not to do if you see someone having a seizure. It could truly save a life.

Value of Friendship

Have you ever really thought about how important friends really are? I don't just mean people you hang out with, work with, go to school with... I mean real friends. The kind who know they can call you if they need a shoulder to cry on, or help moving. The kind you can pour your heart out to... the ones who can make you laugh no matter how mad you are, or know what you are thinking just by looking at you.
Where would we be without these people? They aren't just friends, this is what family means to me. I don't really have a 'blood family,' I have my own family, of those I have brought into my life. My friends are the most important people in the world to me. Of course my husband and my daughter are part of that, we are close, and amazing friends. I have had friends who I thought were friends until I realized they weren't there when I needed them, or they didn't feel they could come to me when they needed someone. Or finding out they stabbed me in the back. Real friends- the ones you can go a year without talking to because life is so busy, but you pick up right where you left off. The ones who you can have a falling out with but still tell people she is your best friend because you know pretty soon it will all be worked out. The ones you can count on to know when something is bothering you.
Think of those people, now what would your life be without them? Mine would be pretty empty! I have learned the hard way that not everyone is real, and some just want you around until they don't need you anymore. Some come into our lives for a season, as they say. I know I went thru a point in my life where I was not the kind of person anyone would have wanted as a real friend, and then I looked back on that and thought- wow, I was a bitch! I still make mistakes in friendships, we all do, but the difference now is that I know whether that friendship is worth fixing that mistake or letting that person go.
Today I have an incredible circle of friends- none of those fake, part time friends, no users or haters. None of that drama or jealousy or other crap. I have dismissed all those negative people from my world... and I feel so blessed to have this amazing circle. 
I used to only keep a couple people close and the others at quite a distance, but I truly feel I have a large circle now of people I can trust, who also feel they can trust me. 
My life would be nothing without friends and friendships, you all complete me! I wouldn't be the person I am without you all! I am blessed and so grateful for each and every one of my friends! Thank you for being a part of my family.

Messed Up Feelings

Emotional struggles are going on in my home, but silent ones. The past is returning to haunt us and there is stress and fear and other unknown emotions going on in myself and my daughter. A week and a half from now we will be looking in the face of the man who hurt my daughter. We did this once, 6 years ago... but I was so terrified of the entire situation, and in quite a bit of shock, and honestly- didn't have time in advance to prepare myself and experience all this. Now I do. We found out in November this was coming, then mid December we were given a date and time. This man will appear before the parole board to see if he can get out of prison yet. So many things tell me we have nothing to worry about yet- he has not yet completed the required sex offender program is the big one. But then there are things that creep into my head saying, yeah, he could get out... He is not in prison for what he DID, he is in prison for what the system allowed him to plea to in order to avoid a trial. HUGE difference in those things.If he had gone to prison on the original charges, we would never again have to worry about him being anywhere outside those prison walls. But that isn't our reality. He is serving 6-life, already served 9.
I hate that my daughter has to go thru all this, remembering the past that she has done so amazingly well to get past, the emotions that it all brings about. I hate that our family has to go thru this- the family who adopted my little one. And I truly hate what is going on inside of me when these things come up!
I should hate this man, and I do- for a number of reasons. But there are things inside me that just tell me I can't hate him. I was in love with this man! I trusted him and married him because I wanted to spend my life with him. He fathered a child that I gave birth to. How can I feel hatred toward that? I would love to see this man tortured and killed, really, I would! But there is a spot in my heart, a very small spot, that says leave him alone and let him go on with his life wherever he decides to do that... he is the past, leave that anger and hatred in the past. I honestly don't like hearing everyone say these mean and gruesome things, I know they think they are being supportive and just expressing their feelings toward such an evil soul. But it hurts me in a way to hear these things.
I don't know what to feel right now. I know I don't want him out of prison, I know I don't want him in any aspect of my life ever! He has done enough damage to me and my life, to my daughters, and to everyone who has known my daughter or I ever since this happened.I feel like such a terrible person for having these thoughts that I have reasons to not hate him. I really hope he gets denied parole! the idea of him getting out this year is just devastating to me, everything that would happen and change in the lives of my daughters and those I care about, I am not ready for that. And I know my daughter is not ready for it. No matter how much she says she isn't afraid anymore... I know she is terrified of the idea of him being free. My daughter is m life, her happiness is my priority.
I just want this past. If we have another parole hearing in 3 years, or six, or whatever... great! I can face these feelings again, and I will be by my daughters side- again. As many times as we have to!
As I always say, I have no regrets. Life happens and I can't always see the good or the bad in people. My amazing daughter is the woman she is today because of the pain and fear she has experienced in her life. She is strong and proud because of what she has been thru. I wish it had never happened, but I can't change the past, and I am proud of who she is today.

At The Drop Of A Hat

What a week it has been! 
Last Friday I had the honor of standing with my PGR family to honor a police officer who died in a car accident... Each time I attend a funeral I am reminded how precious life is, how quickly our time can be cut short. He left behind 4 children and a wife.

It breaks my heart every time I see these families, and makes me hug my loved ones a little tighter when I get home! When PGR is present at these, we give each surviving child a Love Bear. Each bear is passed to all the members for hugs and love to pass along to the child... something to help comfort the kids in this terrible time they  are going thru.

This picture truly says it all for me. One of our members presented a love bear to the Officer Steadman's daughter, and tears on both sides start flowing.

I left this service on a high, it had been so long since I have been healthy enough to attend an event, to stand with my PGR family, it felt amazing to be out there again. And it felt wonderful to just feel good for a change!

Rewind a couple hours~ A friend who had just signed up as a PGR member came to pick me up, Troy had to work and I really wanted to be there for this. She was constantly apologizing for her car, and I just laughed... it is a 1980 something Crown Vic. Really beat up and a tank! I could care less what she was driving! It's a car, it gets her where she needs to be, right? So after the funeral, we got back in her car and started heading back toward my house... still hearing about her car being a dump. As we are driving and talking, she cuts me off and says "Oh my God, I just saw an..." BAM! We get slammed into! We sat there for a minute, am I ok? Is she ok? yeah, maybe we should get to the other side of the road and pull over. We had been stopped because of the traffic ahead of us and the light just changed, in the far left lane because we were turning at the light. What she started to say and didn't finish was that she saw an accident behind us... 

We got pulled over, I stay in the car as I am beginning to seize, the gal who hit us gets on her phone- hopefully calling police, then the girl who hit her knocking her into us ,seemingly high on meth or something,  comes to the car, makes a comment that everyone looks ok and neither car has much damage other than hers (a car she just bought from a used car lot- still with the car lot info and the temp plate), and asks if we can just exchange info and go. Did she not notice the lady in the car having seizures? She tells us she is going to be late to her probation appointment if she doesn't leave right now! Really? And you want us to ignore that my friend is having terrible shooting pains in her back and neck and I am seizing? Screw your probation officer! A couple of our friends on their bikes saw us and stopped to make sure things were ok. I think that intimidated the girl a bit. I love my biker family! I called my husband and he arrived just as the police got there. The gal who called the police seemed to be fine but quite annoyed as were the rest of us. 

All I could think was thank goodness for that tank of a car she kept apologizing for! I can't imagine what injuries we would have had if we had been in a newer car! Then when I was home, all that "life could end at the drop of a hat" stuff came flowing back! What if that accident had been worse? I could have ended up in the hospital, or dead! All weekend I was just so thankful to be alive, for the life I have. I might be sick but I am alive! And that is how I have looked at things all week! Yeah, my life isn't perfect, I have problems... but I am alive and the world is a beautiful place! Live life to its fullest every day, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you! Take time to spend with your family and friends. One thing that really got me... my friendship with one of the most important people in my life is a bit strained right now, I can't die without fixing that! I love her and she needs to know how important she is to me. Advice to everyone, if you have any relationships like that- fix them! Time is not unlimited. Don't go to bed angry, what if your spouse doesn't make it home from work the next day? Could you live with yourself knowing your last words were not loving?

Anyway, I have been focusing on the positive, altho my health seems to be deteriorating faster as time goes by. So today was my doctor appointment...

After not getting answers to any of my questions, being told I am going to have tests on things I really don't need them for, and having some of my concerns totally ignored- I walked out of her office in tears, before having my blood drawn... and I do not plan to return to that doctor again! Today was so upsetting, emotionally draining. I was angry and frustrated and just wanted to scream!

But I have an amazing friend who I think was brought into my life to help me get thru the tough  times. We chatted for a bit and she offered to help me find a good doctor, and even go with me to appointments to be sure I get the answers I need and deserve. She understands medical stuff and has been thru enough that she won't back down until she gets results. She has been an incredible help to me in so many ways, and I don't think I could ever repay her. She was able to calm me down and get me back on a calm level today.

I think I may have figured out what I have that is attacking my health. I looked into it a bit a while back but really just disregarded it. But I have done more reading and I believe what I might have is called   Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, aka ME/CF. I am actually excited to have found something that sounds so spot on to what I am experiencing. I am hopeful to finally get a doctor to look into this and give me some kind of diagnosis!

That's all for tonight, it is really late, and I need to rest up. I have other things flying thru my head that I want to write about, so you will probably hear more from me tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

Happy new year! Out with 2014, and welcome 2015! Not really making and resolutions, just going to be a better person. Think about the harm I could do before doing things- or not doing things. Smile and say hello to strangers, help when I can help. And focus on keeping a positive attitude about my health! Simple things. I know I hurt some feelings unintentionally this past year, and it pains me to realize that. People I care about, people I don't want to lose from my life. I change the past, but I can make things different from here on out!
2014 was an interesting year. I was living in a situation that I thought was so perfect that I didn't want to leave it, but in reality- it couldn't have been further from perfect! I was miserable and everyone saw it but me. The first half of the year I had become a cold, negative, angry person who was in denial of all that. Then things started to get worse, it seemed, but in reality- it was getting better, because I started to recognize it.
My relationships, my health, my mental stability... all aspects of my life had been negatively affected by the way we were living. And it was time to change that.
We moved in October. Financially, the move has been a strain. But in every other aspect of my life it has been a blessing! My health unfortunately still suffers, but in different ways. My family is happy, there is less stress. I feel love in my home again!
2014 holds many memories, good and bad, for me. I had a friend diagnosed with cancer, and complete her chemo all in 2014, another friend beat cancer this year. My sister had a painful divorce, then right away found her soulmate, I don't believe I have ever seen her happier. They married this year as well. One of my best friends lost his wife to cancer. We celebrated good times, we mourned the sad times. Utah now has marriage equality! I got a little into the Christmas spirit, and plan to actually decorate next year. What a year!
2015 will be amazing. My family is happy, we are in a good place, and I hope to be able to celebrate our happiness with all our friends, and celebrate our friends happiness thru the year!
I send out blessings to everyone for a wonderful 2015. Be safe, be happy, live like there is no tomorrow!