just a post of random thoughts

I suffer from depression. It took me years to accept this, even more to admit it. And lately- I've been in a really dark place with it all. People ask what's wrong... umm- I can't even answer them. I mean, yeah there's things going on in my life that are upsetting, but seriously- not enough to make me the basket case that I am! I do have a lot of positive going on in my life- it just isn't jumping out as strong as the negative. 
A year ago yesterday is when my best friend lost her battle to cancer. I battle this every day, but this month has been rough with her birthday and the memories of last visits and last texts... and that last phone call from her husband. It hurts, she was more than a best friend. I know eventually these 'anniversaries' will be a little easier to get thru.
My health is declining again. I have my ideas of what is going on, but I honestly don't feel it important enough to tell anyone. If it gets worse I may call my doctor, but other than that- no one has time to be concerned about my health so why bother telling anyone?
Yes, that is one of my biggest issues right now. I feel invisible. I do so much- at work, at home, for everyone I can... and I never get a thank you, or a 'good job', or an offer to help me... or even 'how was your day' or 'why are you crying?' I have expressed way too many of my emotions on social media the past couple days- i hate opening myself up like that, but I am so frustrated... and hurt. And thought maybe if the people who claim to love me cant see it in my face or in my texts, maybe when they are buried in Facebook they might see my pain and reach out. Stupid me!
I'm pretty much done expecting people to notice what I do, how I feel or think...
I think I should walk out the door one day and leave my phone home... and just disappear for a week. Maybe then some of these people would notice- not all of them, but the ones who expect me home or at work.
One of the things holding me together... most think it is what is tearing me down, I have an incredible family living with me. Honestly, if they werent here, I probably wouldn't be either. I know I have mentioned them in my blog before, they really have shown me so much about love and family... and I can't imagine my home without the noise and constant goings on. 

My life is far from perfect, but happiness is what we make it, it's in our attitude and how we respond to the challenges life gives us. I choose to ignore the problems that I don't have time for. I deal with the now and as long as the other stuff can be pushed aside for a while, I do it. Eventually I will have to face the reality and confront those problems, but for now it doesn't affect my daily life, so why stir things up?! My health cant' take facing big problems right now, I really need to start focusing on me and my health and stop putting my focus on those around me.
I realized something tonight... I recently hit the ten year mark of walking out of prison, quite the emotional anniversary- didn't at all see that coming! Anyway, there has been much discussion about me returning to speak to the girls out there, but one of the conditions of the corrections dept is you have to be out for ten years. We went so far as speaking to the governor about getting me in about 4 years ago, but we never followed thru. Now I don't need him to say its ok, I just need to go thru the process and I can get in! Its actually a very scary idea for me... to walk back in that place. I remember the first time I walked in- I remember everything about that hallway. 

My youngest will become a teenager this week. I was looking at birthday cards the other day and just started crying. How do you even pick a card for someone who means the world to you but you know nothing about them? I can't get her a daughter card, I can't get her some sappy 'i love you' card- that would freak her out I think. So what do I do? get her some cute little gift, I guess, no card.
I've made contact with my parents, and I feel really good about where it might go. That is an entire post in itself- I have a lot to say and to clear up on the topic of my parents. So for now- good night and blessings to all.
Remember to say I love you. Make someone smile. Do a random act of kindness... whenever possible!

Christmas 2016~ A First Christmas

How do I even explain what this Christmas was like?

I have not celebrated this holiday since 2004, this was like my first Christmas!

I made a decision that I was going to change my attitude for the benefit of my family and myself. I went shopping for holiday decor~ Ambri said I was like a kid in a candy store! We put up a tree and decorated it, we put lights and decorations around the house, not a lot- limited budget, but it was still awesome. I was excited! I have let down my daughter for years by not doing this- she deserves better, she deserves happy memories!

This year I have a house full- and they have brought so many smiles and so much love to our home... how could I not give it back?

We were very concerned about getting gifts, money has been very tight since the family moved here- for all of us, but we did what we could. Then someone reached out to me, someone who heard about our family. A couple nights before Christmas they showed up at my door with boxes and bags of gifts and food. Gifts for each of the kids- enough to fill under the tree. Food for Christmas dinner and other basic grocery and household needs. I was so overwhelmed, a crying speechless mess! They went way beyond anything I could have asked or dreamed. This is the spirit of the season, helping others. Yes, we would have managed. These kids have all had rough Christmases with little under the tree, we would have managed a decent dinner... But we had a great dinner! And the kids got many gifts, things they wanted and needed.

The smiles on everyones faces are all I wanted, my goal for Christmas was to have a house full of happy people, smiles, giggles... it was perfect! And we even got a white Christmas! Woke up to a foot of snow outside!

The last time I celebrated Christmas I had both my girls with me...

This year I had my oldest and her husband and our extended family... and I was able to get a gift for my youngest... for the first time since 2004. I didn't give it to her in person, but she did get it.

I am already making plans for next year! This was so much more than just Christmas for me. It was a new beginning.

I hope every year is as amazing as this was, I want others to experience the true spirit of the season... I want to pay it forward and help others as we were helped this year.

I will never NOT celebrate Christmas again!

The governor and porn

So today it was announced that our governor wants to set aside $50k to give a non-profit organization to help in the efforts to block porn from Utah children... This non-profit holds conferences and educates people on how to protect your kids from porn.
I normally don't have a lot to say when it comes to political stuff and the decisions of our leaders. But this I do! And I feel I am totally justified in having a say! 1~ I worked in the porn industry. 2~ I was married to a man with a terrible (and dangerous) addiction to porn. 3~ I went to prison for hell sake! For not keeping porn 'properly' away from my children.
Porn is like beer- if kids want it, they will get it. Look at the internet! Kids have cell phones and their own computers... not that hard for them to access the crap! And if parents want to keep it away from their kids- it's pretty much common sense, right? Just like drugs and drinking- open communications, be active in their lives, blah blah blah! Utah has a bad habit of pretending things don't exist... if we don't tell our kids, they will never know. Good hell! Don't tell your kids porn is evil and will cause you to become a rapist, don't tell them it isn't real, either... guess what- some people enjoy watching porn with their spouse! Some people look at porn as an alternate to going ut and hurting someone. I have talked to many people about porn... I lived it, I needed to understand what and why. It isn't just kids watching it! There are couples, there are women wanting ideas to add spark to their failing marriage, there are lonely old men... And the people making porn? is that even an issue? I'll tell you who makes porn... women- and men- who want to be able to pay the bills without having to live paycheck to paycheck, moms who want to be able to have an income while being a stay at home parent, people who love the camera and their own bodies, people who know there are others out there who want to see them without clothes on, normal everyday people!
Will this $50k stop the exploitation of women? Or men for that matter- yes, there are men who are exploited too! No, it won't. That is an entirely different issue. And not one that can even be touched on a state level! The internet is not local!
Will it help with the sex trafficking of minors? Hell no! Not even in the same realm of issues! Yes, Utah has a BIG problem with this, but has our gov even acknowledged it? This is Utah, folks, what we cannot see- doesn't exist. Yes, the sex trafficking is a big concern, and that $50k could be a huge start to addressing it and putting a stop to it.
FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! in the entire state budget, it is a minimal amount. But think of the things that money COULD do! We have so many problems that need funds. Take $50k out of your own damned pocket to give this non-profit! and leave my tax dollars out of it!
Gov Herbert declared porn is a public health epidemic or something like that... I very much disagree with that. Yes, there are a lot of problems, but an epidemic? It is a choice! ok, a choice that can become an addiction... has Herbert put any money toward solving our drug addiction problems here? Honestly, I have no idea- Im hoping he has but I really have little faith in this man anymore.
Pornography is something that will never go away. I just don't get why our tax dollars have to fight this mans personal battles! do what is best for our state, not your opinion of what is best!
Sorry, that's my rant for tonight. I don't like this man, I don't like the things he stands for. I don't like being told I have no idea what I'm talking about, and I absolutely don't like being told by "someone who knows all" on this subject- that I don't get it...

Best Thanksgiving Ever

Over the years I have had some pretty great holidays and some really crappy ones... which led me to not ever want to celebrate any of them ever again. With November being such a miserable month normally for me, and memories of Thanksgivings gone by~ I especially hated this holiday.
But I knew some day that would have to change. My daughter is married now, I want to create positive memories, new traditions- things for her to smile about and share with her family.
So this year, having my in-laws living with us, my daughter and her new husband, my husband who has put up with years of me not wanting the holidays... I decided to make the best of it. We had little- ok, no money, I had no idea how we would make it happen, but I had to. For the kids- all of them. Thru the kindness and good hearts of others we were able to have plenty of food- all the mandatory Thanksgiving feast dishes! It was amazing. All the family, and the love, the smiles and happiness~ it really was an incredible day for me, and hopefully for everyone who was a part of it.
I had to work part of the day, so I wasn't here to help prepare much of the food... but I did help with some! First time ever prepping a turkey! Dinner was eaten late because of my working, but it was worth the wait! We had pies too!
I just can't explain the happiness, the love... how blessed I truly felt that night. I have a new family, and new tradition for Thanksgiving... for years to come.

Another November 18th

So much has changed over the years... 11 years ago today I walked into a court room and was sentenced to 0-5 years prison time, was handcuffed and led out of the courtroom and taken to the county jail to await transport to the prison a few days later. I lost my family, I lost my children, I lost my material things... I lost, what I thought at the time, was everything.
It has been a long road to get where I am from there. I have some of my family back- my oldest daughter being the most important. I have been in contact with my younger daughter. I had a career, health got in the way but I am again working and enjoying what I do. I have amazing friends who don't care about where I've been or what I've done. I have a wonderful husband, and a good life. I have the things I need- mainly my happiness and strength, freedom and faith in myself. I have also reached out to my parents- over 5 years of no contact between us, I want things to change... I want positive memories of the last years of my parents lives.
I am, for the first time in years, looking forward to Thanksgiving! I will be in the kitchen with family preparing a feast and celebrating the amazing family we have. My daughter is married! I have my son-in-law and all his family here! New traditions and new family! Past years I haven't wanted to even acknowledge Thanksgiving... I didn't really have anything to be thankful for, all I had was memories of a family who was no longer the family I grew up with, I had memories of my first day in prison being Thanksgiving and the horrid meal we were served.
Money is tight, it may not be the perfect meal. But the family and the love will outweigh everything else next week! As for today- I can look back and think I have come a long way! And I have no regrets. I am happy with my path and where I am.

Positivity~Love~Thankful

After only a week and a half of having our new extended family here with us, both adults have started training for new jobs! For sure lifts the stress just a bit. Things are still tough, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel rather than the black unknown I was fearing a few days ago.
Two things made this happen (aside from their desire)... a positive attitude that things would work out and we would eventually be ok. And the love this family has for each other- all of us, we really are one family. 
I am blessed to have this family. I am honored to be helping others. I am grateful to those who have reached out to help us in any way they can.
I am excited about the jobs and the positive outlook. I am even looking forward to the holidays with a family! I realize it is about time I set aside my past issues with the best time of year, and create new traditions and new memories for my daughter and her future family. I haven't been fair to her over the years with ignoring the holidays... I hope she can get past all that and welcome my new attitude and attempt.
We are still hopeful that our GoFundMe account will get more donations, as there are things we are not able to take care of right now. 
https://www.gofundme.com/qf-help-me-help-them
I plan to leave this account up as long as we are still behind on raising funds for this families basic needs and catching up on our basic household expenses.
We have had a few people reach out to help us in ways other than financial that has been a much appreciated blessing.
It is November- a month to remember all the things you are thankful for. Don't be hateful or greedy- be glad you have the things you do, be grateful for your family. And spread the love to everyone!

Help Us Help Them

An update to my last post about putting a roof over someones head who didn't have one... After a couple days of doing math and battling with my pride, we made the decision to create a GoFundMe account to help cover the expenses that are already accumulating. Bottom line is this... we have struggled to support the 2 of us and the one added family member, now we have 8 people and 6 dogs that, for the most part, my husband is entirely supporting for now. I would not change my choice to help this family if I had it to do over again! If I am not able to get donations and support, so be it- we will somehow figure it out.
I am not asking for money for a trip to DisneyLand or even to put my kid thru college... I am asking for contributions to help keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs, to get these kids the things they need to get by in this Utah climate.
So here is the link if anyone is interested in reading our story or helping us out. Thank you, and God bless.

https://www.gofundme.com/qf-help-me-help-them