I suffer from depression. It took me years to accept this, even more to admit it. And lately- I've been in a really dark place with it all. People ask what's wrong... umm- I can't even answer them. I mean, yeah there's things going on in my life that are upsetting, but seriously- not enough to make me the basket case that I am! I do have a lot of positive going on in my life- it just isn't jumping out as strong as the negative.
A year ago yesterday is when my best friend lost her battle to cancer. I battle this every day, but this month has been rough with her birthday and the memories of last visits and last texts... and that last phone call from her husband. It hurts, she was more than a best friend. I know eventually these 'anniversaries' will be a little easier to get thru.
My health is declining again. I have my ideas of what is going on, but I honestly don't feel it important enough to tell anyone. If it gets worse I may call my doctor, but other than that- no one has time to be concerned about my health so why bother telling anyone?
Yes, that is one of my biggest issues right now. I feel invisible. I do so much- at work, at home, for everyone I can... and I never get a thank you, or a 'good job', or an offer to help me... or even 'how was your day' or 'why are you crying?' I have expressed way too many of my emotions on social media the past couple days- i hate opening myself up like that, but I am so frustrated... and hurt. And thought maybe if the people who claim to love me cant see it in my face or in my texts, maybe when they are buried in Facebook they might see my pain and reach out. Stupid me!
I'm pretty much done expecting people to notice what I do, how I feel or think...
I think I should walk out the door one day and leave my phone home... and just disappear for a week. Maybe then some of these people would notice- not all of them, but the ones who expect me home or at work.
One of the things holding me together... most think it is what is tearing me down, I have an incredible family living with me. Honestly, if they werent here, I probably wouldn't be either. I know I have mentioned them in my blog before, they really have shown me so much about love and family... and I can't imagine my home without the noise and constant goings on.
My life is far from perfect, but happiness is what we make it, it's in our attitude and how we respond to the challenges life gives us. I choose to ignore the problems that I don't have time for. I deal with the now and as long as the other stuff can be pushed aside for a while, I do it. Eventually I will have to face the reality and confront those problems, but for now it doesn't affect my daily life, so why stir things up?! My health cant' take facing big problems right now, I really need to start focusing on me and my health and stop putting my focus on those around me.
I realized something tonight... I recently hit the ten year mark of walking out of prison, quite the emotional anniversary- didn't at all see that coming! Anyway, there has been much discussion about me returning to speak to the girls out there, but one of the conditions of the corrections dept is you have to be out for ten years. We went so far as speaking to the governor about getting me in about 4 years ago, but we never followed thru. Now I don't need him to say its ok, I just need to go thru the process and I can get in! Its actually a very scary idea for me... to walk back in that place. I remember the first time I walked in- I remember everything about that hallway.
My youngest will become a teenager this week. I was looking at birthday cards the other day and just started crying. How do you even pick a card for someone who means the world to you but you know nothing about them? I can't get her a daughter card, I can't get her some sappy 'i love you' card- that would freak her out I think. So what do I do? get her some cute little gift, I guess, no card.
I've made contact with my parents, and I feel really good about where it might go. That is an entire post in itself- I have a lot to say and to clear up on the topic of my parents. So for now- good night and blessings to all.
Remember to say I love you. Make someone smile. Do a random act of kindness... whenever possible!
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