Something About a Small Town

A year ago if someone had said "hey, let's go out tonight," I would have given them a list of reasons not to go... Friday night traffic, crowds, drunk drivers, the list goes on. That was life in the city, we stayed in most weekends because we just didn't feel safe going out, or have any desire to deal with crowds of any kind.
Tonight Troy came home from work and I said lets go! We drove into town and parked behind the diner. The place was packed, I think we got the last table other than the 8-top. We had a nice dinner, I chatted with the lady raffling a quilt for a fund raiser, we saw people coming and going with faces painted for Day of the Dead... and the entire staff had their faces and hair done, as well. 
After dinner we walked Main Street. It was a beautiful night- the weather was just right, not too cold. Families and people walking their dogs, the tamale lady we can always count on to be there, there was a booth doing flu shots, the galleries and shops were all open. We went to the new Harley museum... when we came out I could hear the kids across at the park laughing and playing. THIS is why I wanted to live in a small town. Kids can play after sunset and not be afraid of being snatched away, people can wander in the street and not fear being hit by a car. People come out on Friday nights- not to cause trouble, but to have fun!
We talked to strangers, we enjoyed being outside. To date I have heard one siren since we moved here, I've seen no car accidents. I don't hear traffic other than an occasional loud train.
I stepped outside before bed last night leaving my porch light off- I saw so many stars! There is almost no light pollution here to keep me from seeing them.
This move has had its ups and downs, and sometimes I have to remind myself why we made this decision... last night was one of those reminders that my small town gave me without me having to tell myself.
It was a perfect evening in this new chapter of our life.

4 letters...

Dear Young Teen Girl~ So many people will ask why you didn't speak out sooner, why you let it continue. You will be told what you 'should have' done... you can't change the past. I bet I know why you never spoke up- you were scared, manipulated, confused. Don't let any of this make you feel inferior, don't allow this experience to define you, and don't you ever let anyone tell you that it was your fault- even what is to come- it is not your fault! You have a long road of healing and court and rebuilding your own life and your relationships with your family. You won't be ok tomorrow, you may not be ok next year... but you will be ok. He hurt you, he violated your trust and your privacy and so many other aspects of you. He lied and probably made you lie, and he will be in a place far from where he can ever hurt you or anyone in your family ever again. Don't let this weigh you down, rise up and grow from this experience, be strong and move forward with your life, help others to be strong- teach them that what happened to you is not ok and they need to use their voice. Strengthen your bond with your sister, and your mother. Your mother feels she failed you, feels like the worst mother ever... she didn't do this, she would have done something if she had known. She loves you more than life!
Dear Mother of Teen Girl~ You did not fail! You are not responsible. I know what people are saying to you- I also know what your response is. 'How could you not know?' People like him are good at what they do, hiding it, manipulating the child. And you had your dream! You had the man of your dreams and your family and he took such good care of you all... you were blinded by that to anything going on that might take that away. He made sure you were happy, so you wouldn't question anything he did. He had your trust, what would make you doubt him? You did not fail your daughter, it hurts! It is not just an emotional pain- it is a physical pain that won't go away any time soon... but it will go away. And you will heal and your daughter will heal. More than ever you and your family need to bond and be stronger than ever together, support her, believe her! Hear her. You need time to heal, she needs time to heal. Be that mom that your daughter needs, show her what a strong and amazing young lady you are creating in her. Therapy- family therapy, healing process and putting it behind you. But don't hide behind the walls of your home. Have a voice, don't let this experience fade into the shadows- make it known what he has done to your daughter, to your family. Make it known that this is not acceptable for any step parent or parent. Make it known that your family is stronger than he is. Believe in your daughter, believe in yourself... and believe that people believe you. Don't allow anyone to blame you.
Dear Step Father- How dare you! You married a woman you supposedly loved, you took on her children and created a family. You had them all trusting you and loving you. And then you manipulate everything and destroy every aspect of that picture perfect family. You lied to them all, you kept secrets and made them keep secrets from each other! You scared an innocent girl into doing what you wanted. And in a matter of hours 4 innocent lives crumbled because of your sick, selfish, disgusting existence! Your wife has had the man who she trusted and loved exposed as a monster, she has had her children ripped from her home, and she has been attacked by outsiders for not protecting her children from you. Two girls have been forever traumatized by you, they can- and will heal emotionally, but the physical scars and the nightmares... no, they will live with that. And a young man who is far away in the military unable to rush to his sisters' side or his mothers to comfort any of them right now. You are the definition of evil.
Dear Former Friend~ I am completely mind blown by what I have heard and read over the past 48 hours. You? No, that isn't you... yeah, it is. But you love your family... UGH! Why didn't I see this? I've been there- and you know that! I opened up to you about the hell we went thru, the nightmare my daughter lived. What I as a mom went thru and as the wife of that monster. And you acted like you fucking cared! I hate you! I have literally been sick to my stomach thinking about this. Why? No, I know why... because I have been there! You just sicken me. I am still just at a loss for words at this point- you were my friend! Like a little brother! How did I not see this in you? Maybe because you live so far away and we were never around each other, I don't know. But I guess it just goes to show- you never truly know a person.

Just in time

When we were first talking about leaving the city we had a lot of reasons- traffic, noise, accidents... the basic stuff that pushes peoples buttons. Shortly before we left, we witnessed a sheet being pulled over a biker- that had followed numerous motorcycle accidents already this year. I feared getting on the bike anymore.
After we left the city it seemed every week there were multiple motorcycle accidents- and more than half were fatal.
In the past month or so- there have been more bike accidents, a large number of fatal car accidents, and shootings! Violence seems to be on the rampage up there lately! My last place of employment has been robbed twice! The last time, the clerk was stabbed! All of this terrifies me!
We truly did leave just in time. Are we free of all that here? Of course not- I know that. But I think we are a lot less likely to be caught in the middle of a shooting or get stabbed when we go for a snack, or even be victim of a drunk driver.
My daughter is learning to drive, scares the hell out of me! she will be driving and moving back to the city. I know- she's an adult, she needs to face the things we all do. But those mom thoughts will always be in my head- why can't I just protect her forever? Then soon her sister will be driving too? I haven't raised my other daughter, but she is still in my head every single day. Her dad is amazing, so is her mom, I know they are teaching her well, but the things happening in the city- most of the time can't be avoided! You can't forsee a drunk driver coming at you, you can't know that your work is going to be held up- or that an ex will lose his mind and come hunt you down with a gun.
I see these things on the news and just breathe a sigh of relief that I am not in the middle of that anymore. I will worry every day for the rest of forever about my girls and others I care about... But as I keep reminding myself, I have chosen to live for me, we moved to save ourselves.
So now what do I worry about here? I worry about the first deer that comes into the yard and what my dog will do! I worry about my husbands work truck having problems in the winter... yes, small town life is stressful! lol

Random thoughts

Been thinking a lot about things that have or haven't happened over the years, opportunities I had, choices I made... where I would be today had I made different choices.
The first big one- what if I had admitted to myself and to others that I preferred women over men way back when...? Everything would be different, that's for sure! I wouldn't have 2 amazing daughters, and that is probably the biggest difference.But it would have completely changed the path of my life- jobs, education, even where I lived. Where would I be today?
Second- much further down the road. What if I had taken that job, that one job that would have given me a career, a future, benefits including retirement... as a single mom- that was a dream come true- that I turned down.
What if I had pulled the trigger that night? would I be locked up for murder for the rest of my life? before I had kids. Or would they have seen it as I did- or as I chose to- defending my own life, protecting me.
All the choices to this point were made because I needed something different than what was in front of me. Some logical choices, some emotional choices- either way, they were what I felt was best in the long term.
Moving on to other 'what-ifs'...
I made a choice to start doing pornography. There were, at the time, a number of positives to this! But what if I hadn't? What if I had stepped back and chosen to not take that path? That really is a big question mark in my mind. I still have no regrets from that part of my life, I have no regrets about anything. It was an interesting experience, fun, educational, very profitable...
Which brings me to my next 'what if'...
Where would I be today if I had gone back into that line of work after prison? Would I be married? Would I be rich? Would I even be successful with it at this age?
My point that has been eating at me is this... no matter what choices I made, they were what I needed at the time to bring me to where I am today. Today I am happy. I may not have as much money as I would like, I may not have the retirement savings to keep my mind at ease. I may still have nightmares about that night with the gun. But I am happy. I have everything I need and want- a wonderful husband, who never would have come into my life if any of those choices had been different, a beautiful daughter, who may not even exist if some of those choices had been different.
Life gives us choices every single day. We can take option A or option B- one will take us down a completely different path than the other. But as I have learned, you can't allow yourself to over think these options. Do what feels right! Don't look at them both and ask where will this take me 10 years from now- because I can tell you from experience, a choice you make today may be offset by one you make tomorrow, or next month.
Live for now, live for happiness. And for goodness sake don't dwell on the past and those what ifs!  

The story of Troy

This amazing guy- my husband... turned 50 this past week. Life I'm sure has not turned out the way he expected, our marriage- I know is not what he expected.

I met Troy in 1984 in high school. We had a ton of mutual friends and he was the quieter one of the group... always there, but never got into trouble, never was the center of attention. He was nice with the bad boy look. I was a year older, and pretty much had my life planned out- engaged already.
We remained friends thru my dark marriage and rebellious divorce period... even went out once... until I drifted away to live my life day by day, taking things as they came. 
Fast forward to when I became a mom. I was separated from my husband and working nights at Village Inn- back when they were a 24 hour place. Troy would come in, sometimes alone sometimes with friends- sit for hours drinking coffee. He rode his motorcycle year round, we would make sure he had plenty of hot coffee! He came in almost every night and would help care for my daughter. There were many nights I had no choice but to take her to work with me, and she was so happy with him.
Again life got in the way and we lost track of each other. I married a third time (to another friend of Troys), left the state for a while. Then was in a long term relationship that ended weeks before I was to marry again. Then met someone I thought would be my last. Turns out he and Troy knew each other, I saw Troy off and on at the coffee shop during that time.
That marriage turned my entire life up-side-down, I thought I would never see anyone I knew again- ever.
Fast forward 2007... I was working at a gas station and guess who walked thru the door! I threw my arms around him like he was my long lost brother! I had been thru some shit and every familiar face at that point was a blessing!  He told me to go outside with him, he needed to show me something... so I did. He finally, after so many years, got himself a brand new Harley. He was so excited to show it to me, so proud of that bike! We talked for a few minutes until I had to get back to work. We made plans to go for a ride.
We have been together ever since.
Troy had a good job driving truck locally, I quickly moved up from a cashier to assistant manager, to getting my own store. He helped me get places- I was truly just starting my life over, with nothing. He helped my self esteem, he helped me believe in myself so I could climb to where I got. He stood by me when a lot of people wouldn't. He didn't care what others thought or said. Troy loved me for me... and still does.
Troy has been there for me thru things I never would have expected in my life, he has supported me emotionally and financially. He has sat at my bedside thru major illnesses and surgeries, and sat at my side when we celebrated my high points as well. He has put up with who I am and things I do... face it- I am not the quiet reserved type! He never said a word when I chose to help this friend or that family when they were in need of a roof over their head- he helped me.
When depression set in he just wanted me to be better, he was willing to do anything to make sure I was ok...
Which led us to where we are today. I needed out of the city, I couldn't take it anymore. He went along with what I wanted, he left an amazing job- giving up all the benefits, he left everything he has ever known... to move to small town life- for me.
It has not been an easy adjustment for him, for either of us. But he is making the best of it until we get our life where we want it to be... because he knows this is what is saving my life.
We have had our share of ups and downs, separations, talk of divorce, all couples go thru hard times. We aren't a typical couple, behind closed doors we are much different than what our friends see... or are we? I am more in love with this man than I was the day I married him. There were times I questioned my love for him- but every day that passes, every challenge we face together, I fall more in love with the man he is and the husband he is.
I was so lucky to find him when I did. He truly is my happily ever after... no matter what we face. It will be together.

Defeated But Not

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and sometimes it gives us an entire shut out. But somehow we always find a way to hit that ball out of the park, right?
This week has been full of curve balls! I have felt so completely defeated. But it isn't because of anything I did wrong- I have to remember this! I have done everything right, everything I could to the best of my ability to make things fall into place as they should... but those curve balls come out of random places that I have no control over.
We hit a detour with the house- not a road block! We had expected to close this week, but something that we knew was going to hold us back, but had gotten swept under the rug by the mortgage lady- came back to bite us... we have to wait until December. My dream of being home owners before my husband turns 50 went out the window this week, but we will be home owners before 2018 is over. I am forced to find the positive in all of it, and really- there are positives in waiting!
This entire parenting thing SUCKS! In my childs eyes I am sure I am the worst mother ever, and at this point I just don't care anymore. I have done everything I can, destroyed my own emotional and mental health trying to be the mom she wants me to be... but I honestly don't think she even knows what she wants from me. She wants support- I support her- I get attacked for treating her like a child. I can't win... I'm just done playing. The last 2 years have completely killed my heart and soul, I have nothing left to give her. She isn't a person I recognize, she isn't a person who cares about anything or anyone that matters. I lost her to a darkness that I won't- can't- allow myself to be involved with any longer. All I can do is hope and wait... for the day her wakes up from the nightmare we see.
A lot of changes in my life in recent months, a lot more to come- I'm sure. I've started with a second direct sales company, I am looking to get a part time job. My husband is still adjusting to small town life and we are both searching for that place to fit in here. It doesn't happen over night- but I know in a couple years everything will be so perfect for us here! Right now it's rough, depression in us both- but we are supporting each other and lifting each other up... getting thru it together.
Tears have been flowing off and on all week, but I am getting thru it all. One day I can say the stress was worth it when we sign for this home. One day my daughter will love me again and just maybe see that her happiness is all that has mattered to me- ever.

Was t Worth It

Three and a half years- you were out of prison and out of trouble for three and a half years. You had finally left my head- the fears and anxiety of bumping into you- didn't even enter my head anymore, the stress of my daughter seeing you at the mall- always there to some degree- but very much faded. You, your face, your existence- barely a thought. My daughter- forever traumatized by you- no longer living in the county you are in, me- moving hours away, and the child we had together- wouldn't know you if she were standing next to you... peace of mind was finally found, your existence almost forgotten.
Then out of the blue... a phone call... "you are receiving this call because you are registered with VINE to receive notifications of any status change in an offender named...."
The next 24 hours was filled with stress. Did he hurt someone else? Did he run? Is he going back to prison? Off parole?
Within hours I was able to find that a warrant had been issued- not by the city or county, by the Board of Pardons. Parole violation. OMG, he did it to someone else, is what went thru my head. My heart hurt as I laid in bed sleepless that night. First thing yesterday morning I was able to get more information- I spoke to the board, I spoke to his parole officer... no, no one else has been hurt. You violated your parole by committing a totally different crime. What were you thinking? A crime that will get you sent to another state to stand trial and serve time- as much time as you served here your first time around. I shouldn't care, and really- I don't! But I cannot wrap my head around the thought process. I hear of people all the time re-offending shortly after release because they have become institutionalized and cannot live without that structure... but you had over three years of staying out of trouble!
24 hours after that phone call, I got confirmation that you were in custody and behind the gates of the Utah State Prison again. Your family- clueless, your victims- elated... and breathing a sigh of relief. Relief because we no longer have to worry about bumping into you at the mall or standing next to you at a bus stop, relief that my youngest child can go to school with her parents not fearing an abduction or any kind of contact.
As I laid my head down on my feather pillow, stretched my legs in my queen sized bed, felt the a/c blowing over me... I did think about you- I thought about that flat pillow that has been slept on by dozens of others, that 3 inch thick mat that is barely as tall as you are, in an 8x8ft cinder block room. Was it worth it? When I stepped outside at 1am for some fresh air and to see the stars- I thought about you... locked in that cinder block room 23 hours a day. Was it worth it? When I woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee and stepped outside for a cigarette- I thought about you being given food with no choice of what you eat or drink. Was it worth it? As I drove to the post office this morning- I thought about you... you can write a letter- but to who? You can make a phone call- when they tell you you are allowed... and if anyone will accept charges for it. Was it worth it? I'm sitting here on my computer- able to search any website, email anyone, with my phone at my side able to call anyone anytime... thinking of you... no internet, no computer- just paper and pencil. Was it worth it?
You went to prison for 9 years because you "thought you could get away with it." Yes, that statement is burned into my head forever. Was that worth it? Your family, your friends, your reputation, your life- forever changed. Was that worth it? It must have been, because I cannot comprehend how you would do something to put you back in that same position.
I was so close to making arrangements to come face to face with you, to confront my demons of that chapter of my life... to look you in the eye and say the things I need to say to you, ask the things I need to ask. That option is gone... out the window the minute you were taken into custody. I cannot visit you in prison, the protective order won't allow that. So I will again stare you down will flames in my eyes as you enter the room for your hearing- as I have each time. And after that, I will close the door on that chapter again, hopefully for good this time.
Remember the card reader? Remember what she said? This would be your only chance... she was right... and look at what you did to that chance, look at what you did to destroy what you created... look at where you are now...
Was It Worth It?