The governor and porn

So today it was announced that our governor wants to set aside $50k to give a non-profit organization to help in the efforts to block porn from Utah children... This non-profit holds conferences and educates people on how to protect your kids from porn.
I normally don't have a lot to say when it comes to political stuff and the decisions of our leaders. But this I do! And I feel I am totally justified in having a say! 1~ I worked in the porn industry. 2~ I was married to a man with a terrible (and dangerous) addiction to porn. 3~ I went to prison for hell sake! For not keeping porn 'properly' away from my children.
Porn is like beer- if kids want it, they will get it. Look at the internet! Kids have cell phones and their own computers... not that hard for them to access the crap! And if parents want to keep it away from their kids- it's pretty much common sense, right? Just like drugs and drinking- open communications, be active in their lives, blah blah blah! Utah has a bad habit of pretending things don't exist... if we don't tell our kids, they will never know. Good hell! Don't tell your kids porn is evil and will cause you to become a rapist, don't tell them it isn't real, either... guess what- some people enjoy watching porn with their spouse! Some people look at porn as an alternate to going ut and hurting someone. I have talked to many people about porn... I lived it, I needed to understand what and why. It isn't just kids watching it! There are couples, there are women wanting ideas to add spark to their failing marriage, there are lonely old men... And the people making porn? is that even an issue? I'll tell you who makes porn... women- and men- who want to be able to pay the bills without having to live paycheck to paycheck, moms who want to be able to have an income while being a stay at home parent, people who love the camera and their own bodies, people who know there are others out there who want to see them without clothes on, normal everyday people!
Will this $50k stop the exploitation of women? Or men for that matter- yes, there are men who are exploited too! No, it won't. That is an entirely different issue. And not one that can even be touched on a state level! The internet is not local!
Will it help with the sex trafficking of minors? Hell no! Not even in the same realm of issues! Yes, Utah has a BIG problem with this, but has our gov even acknowledged it? This is Utah, folks, what we cannot see- doesn't exist. Yes, the sex trafficking is a big concern, and that $50k could be a huge start to addressing it and putting a stop to it.
FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! in the entire state budget, it is a minimal amount. But think of the things that money COULD do! We have so many problems that need funds. Take $50k out of your own damned pocket to give this non-profit! and leave my tax dollars out of it!
Gov Herbert declared porn is a public health epidemic or something like that... I very much disagree with that. Yes, there are a lot of problems, but an epidemic? It is a choice! ok, a choice that can become an addiction... has Herbert put any money toward solving our drug addiction problems here? Honestly, I have no idea- Im hoping he has but I really have little faith in this man anymore.
Pornography is something that will never go away. I just don't get why our tax dollars have to fight this mans personal battles! do what is best for our state, not your opinion of what is best!
Sorry, that's my rant for tonight. I don't like this man, I don't like the things he stands for. I don't like being told I have no idea what I'm talking about, and I absolutely don't like being told by "someone who knows all" on this subject- that I don't get it...

Best Thanksgiving Ever

Over the years I have had some pretty great holidays and some really crappy ones... which led me to not ever want to celebrate any of them ever again. With November being such a miserable month normally for me, and memories of Thanksgivings gone by~ I especially hated this holiday.
But I knew some day that would have to change. My daughter is married now, I want to create positive memories, new traditions- things for her to smile about and share with her family.
So this year, having my in-laws living with us, my daughter and her new husband, my husband who has put up with years of me not wanting the holidays... I decided to make the best of it. We had little- ok, no money, I had no idea how we would make it happen, but I had to. For the kids- all of them. Thru the kindness and good hearts of others we were able to have plenty of food- all the mandatory Thanksgiving feast dishes! It was amazing. All the family, and the love, the smiles and happiness~ it really was an incredible day for me, and hopefully for everyone who was a part of it.
I had to work part of the day, so I wasn't here to help prepare much of the food... but I did help with some! First time ever prepping a turkey! Dinner was eaten late because of my working, but it was worth the wait! We had pies too!
I just can't explain the happiness, the love... how blessed I truly felt that night. I have a new family, and new tradition for Thanksgiving... for years to come.

Another November 18th

So much has changed over the years... 11 years ago today I walked into a court room and was sentenced to 0-5 years prison time, was handcuffed and led out of the courtroom and taken to the county jail to await transport to the prison a few days later. I lost my family, I lost my children, I lost my material things... I lost, what I thought at the time, was everything.
It has been a long road to get where I am from there. I have some of my family back- my oldest daughter being the most important. I have been in contact with my younger daughter. I had a career, health got in the way but I am again working and enjoying what I do. I have amazing friends who don't care about where I've been or what I've done. I have a wonderful husband, and a good life. I have the things I need- mainly my happiness and strength, freedom and faith in myself. I have also reached out to my parents- over 5 years of no contact between us, I want things to change... I want positive memories of the last years of my parents lives.
I am, for the first time in years, looking forward to Thanksgiving! I will be in the kitchen with family preparing a feast and celebrating the amazing family we have. My daughter is married! I have my son-in-law and all his family here! New traditions and new family! Past years I haven't wanted to even acknowledge Thanksgiving... I didn't really have anything to be thankful for, all I had was memories of a family who was no longer the family I grew up with, I had memories of my first day in prison being Thanksgiving and the horrid meal we were served.
Money is tight, it may not be the perfect meal. But the family and the love will outweigh everything else next week! As for today- I can look back and think I have come a long way! And I have no regrets. I am happy with my path and where I am.

Positivity~Love~Thankful

After only a week and a half of having our new extended family here with us, both adults have started training for new jobs! For sure lifts the stress just a bit. Things are still tough, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel rather than the black unknown I was fearing a few days ago.
Two things made this happen (aside from their desire)... a positive attitude that things would work out and we would eventually be ok. And the love this family has for each other- all of us, we really are one family. 
I am blessed to have this family. I am honored to be helping others. I am grateful to those who have reached out to help us in any way they can.
I am excited about the jobs and the positive outlook. I am even looking forward to the holidays with a family! I realize it is about time I set aside my past issues with the best time of year, and create new traditions and new memories for my daughter and her future family. I haven't been fair to her over the years with ignoring the holidays... I hope she can get past all that and welcome my new attitude and attempt.
We are still hopeful that our GoFundMe account will get more donations, as there are things we are not able to take care of right now. 
https://www.gofundme.com/qf-help-me-help-them
I plan to leave this account up as long as we are still behind on raising funds for this families basic needs and catching up on our basic household expenses.
We have had a few people reach out to help us in ways other than financial that has been a much appreciated blessing.
It is November- a month to remember all the things you are thankful for. Don't be hateful or greedy- be glad you have the things you do, be grateful for your family. And spread the love to everyone!

Help Us Help Them

An update to my last post about putting a roof over someones head who didn't have one... After a couple days of doing math and battling with my pride, we made the decision to create a GoFundMe account to help cover the expenses that are already accumulating. Bottom line is this... we have struggled to support the 2 of us and the one added family member, now we have 8 people and 6 dogs that, for the most part, my husband is entirely supporting for now. I would not change my choice to help this family if I had it to do over again! If I am not able to get donations and support, so be it- we will somehow figure it out.
I am not asking for money for a trip to DisneyLand or even to put my kid thru college... I am asking for contributions to help keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs, to get these kids the things they need to get by in this Utah climate.
So here is the link if anyone is interested in reading our story or helping us out. Thank you, and God bless.

https://www.gofundme.com/qf-help-me-help-them

Open Heart~ Open Home

People often ask me why I do the things I do, I've been taken advantage of, walked on, I don't have a lot for myself- so why do I spread it so thin that I suffer in order to share with others...
Simple, I've been there. I've been turned away by some, and supported by others. And I remember those experiences. I remember the fear of a bad situation, I remember the pain of being ignored and turned away by people who claimed they cared, and I remember the love I felt- and will always remember the people who were there in my hardest times.
My husband and I don't have a lot, we struggle every month to make ends meet. But what we do have is big hearts and a warm home.
When family is in need, you help- no questions, you just do it! No, I didn't learn that from my family... I actually learned it from the failure of my family to be this way... and swore I would never be like them.
Yes, I've had 2 recent not so good experiences with taking people into my home. But they were people from my past, that I should have left in my past!
A couple weeks ago I was told my son-in-laws family was being evicted. Times are tough in the town they are from and they had fallen behind in bills including rent. My SIL was stressed and worried that his teen siblings were going to be on the streets, this also had my daughter upset and stressed. We didn't hesitate... my husband and I discussed it and decided they would come stay with us until they can get on their feet. Things went from bad to worse and we moved up the date by 2 weeks at the drop of a hat, really. My husband, SIL, and a friend of ours who has a truck- left Thursday afternoon to drive a thousand miles, rent a trailer, pack them up, and come back... all in less than 40 hours.
My daughter and her husband moved out last week, so we do have plenty of room for the family... but even if we didn't- we would make room- FAMILY MATTERS! I have a 5 bedroom home- and now a full house. Will things be tight? Yes. Limited privacy? oh yeah! I have 4 teenagers in the house now! One has been here since July, part of the family already, but now we have her mom and dad, her 15 year old sister, and twin 14 year old brothers. And a total of 6 dogs! I can deal with people... the dogs will take some getting used to!
Money is going to be tight, we took this on knowing they have nothing right now, until they get working. We will have to sacrifice things for a while, as will they. But when you care about someone- its what you do. I've always had a soft spot for helping people less fortunate than I- even when I had next to nothing! I care! Is that so hard for people to understand? Seriously, people in todays society are so self centered, don't care about the guy who hasn't had a shower in a month, or the family who can't feed their kids- they care about the new shoes they bought yesterday or that bad ass concert they are going to on Friday. If more people would open their hearts maybe we would have a little more peace in the world.
I feel blessed to be able to bring this family into my home and help them, to help ease the stress of my daughter and her husband, to give these kids a safe and warm home where they can remain a family. I know that by doing good things and helping others, Karma will come back and help me when I need it.
So this is my life for now, we committed to allowing them to stay with us until June- this gives them time to get jobs and save some money, as well as keeping the kids in one school the rest of the year... I can't imagine how hard it is for teens to be ripped from their friends and moved, I would hate for them to have to do that twice in one school year.
I know there is always a chance of things turning bad, but I truly feel this is a different situation- these people just need a break and a helping hand.

So many things run thru your mind when opportunity for life change happens. for 35 years I have battled this disease. Hundreds of tests, medications, suggestions of more "in depth" testing. hope for successful treatment- medications, surgery, diet... it has been a very long road with many bumps, to say the least.
Now I am facing another hill on this rollercoaster. I have been told I am a qualified candidate for the VNS implant- YAY! My insurance has approved the procedure- YAY again! I met with the surgeon and got a date for the procedure- another YAY! It all sounds perfect! Perfect doesn't happen. All the hopes... and let downs, I still struggle to believe this is real.
This device could do so much to improve my quality of life- reduce my seizures and reduce the severity of the ones I do have. This is the high, the hope. But in the back of my head is the what if... what if I am the one in a hundred who this doesn't work for? What if I am the one who has a bad reaction to this foreign device in my body? 
There are always risks and possibilities like this when a person faces surgery, and I have never been one to fear something like this. I do welcome this possibility! Much better option than what my doctor wanted to do! THAT scared me!
I am seriously on an emotional rollercoaster this past couple weeks, getting worse as my surgery date approaches, one minute I am excited about my future, the next I am scared something will prevent this from happening last minute, then I think how blessed I am to get this chance.
I have such an amazing support system in my family and friends. I discussed this with my family before making the decision... all they want is for me to be happy, for me to get relief from this nightmare that we live with. I say we because it is all of us, not just me. My husband worries about me whenever he has to leave me by myself, or when I go somewhere alone. My daughter checks on me regularly to make sure I'm ok. All of them have had to help me to the floor or keep me from hitting my head, talk me thru, sit with me as I come to. Kayla has lived with this her entire life, watching me go thru these seizures. I remember one night when she was not even three years old- I had a very severe seizure. My boyfriend called the paramedics, I was out of it until they were strapping me to the gurney... all I remember is being taken across the front yard to the ambulance and listening to my baby girl yelling for mommy. It was heartbreaking. This is what I think of every time she is there for me now. I don't want her to have to live the rest of her life like that. I need her to know that I will be ok.
So as it stands today, I am two weeks from getting this device, another 2 weeks after that it will be turned on and programmed and I will start to see results! I am excited... and pray for positive - noticable results!
I've been needing some kind of distraction tokeep me from thinking too much about all of this. Tomorrow we are going away for the weekend with friends... much needed and looked forward to escape!