Understanding Mom... Being My Mom

As a mother of an adult daughter, I am slowly realizing why my mother did some of the things she did... I am seeing how my actions affected her. My daughter is a strong, independent young woman. And I am very proud of her, I am proud that she is so strong and making choices for herself... no matter how painful it is for me, or anyone else in the family.
She was married a little over a year and a half ago... about 3 months after they were married is about the time our family saw a side of her husband that we didn't like. And everything changed... 
His actions not only disrespected my daughter, but most of her family- as well as his own. His words cut deep to everyone he spoke his mind to. My daughters actions- defending him, standing by him no matter how much frustration and unhappiness we could see in her... it hurt all of us who cared for her... but it took me back.
I once got involved with (and eventually married... and divorced) someone my parents didn't like- at all. And the further into this marriage I watched my daughter, the more I saw myself. I saw so many similarities between my ex-husband, and my daughters husband.
There is no need for me to go into detail about her marriage, all I will say is my daughter finally had enough and drew the line... just like I did.  She did it her way- just like I did. She didn't want to hear what Mom had to say, she didn't take Moms advice... just me 20 years ago.
I never realized how hard it is to be a parent of an adult. I continue to learn and grow as a parent... and as a daughter.
I put my parents thru hell, and I always had it in my head that it was 'their fault'... no, it was all of us. As parents we need to allow our kids to make mistakes and learn and make choices- no matter the ultimate outcome. As children, well, as children we have no idea what our parents are dealing with, how they see things... but we need to understand that they have seen and done more things than we have- and just maybe there is a legit reason they feel the way they do about situations, relationships, people. Just maybe they have been there- or had a friend who went thru something similar.
I have had more than the average share of issues with my parents, but I have always respected them. They did the best they could with a pretty independent fire sign! My parents have always been good people, and I know I will never be the kind of parent my mom was, but I hope my daughter can look at me one day and say I was a good mom and she does have respect for me. I am now the mother of another fire sign child... and the older she gets- the more that fire burns!
I have made mistakes as a daughter and as a mother- I think we all do. But life is too short to allow those mistakes to create a wall between you and your mother or daughter. Accept that you are not perfect, accept that your mom- your daughter- your brother is not perfect. Live and love those who truly impact your life and cherish every moment with them. 
I am a daughter of a very good woman who gave me all she could.
I am a mother of an incredible young lady who I have to let live her own life.

Let's try something on the positive side...

OK, so lets set the depression aside, and the anger. I'm over it. The depression will only live if I allow it to, right? So it's time to stop wishing I'm dead and start working on preventing it!
I start back to work on Saturday. This is huge for me. I need to work, I need to have social interaction, I need to feel useful. All things that I haven't had since moving. Right now it will be very limited hours, but it will increase as I start feeling better. So even if I am only making enough money to buy a couple packs of smokes a week... that's less money going out of our bill money. Eventually I hope I can get back to where I make enough to cover our grocery budget, or continue getting the things to make our new little house a home.
I have dreams, and without my health I will never see those dreams happen. I am going to start focusing on my health again. I know a lot of the things that have been wrong with me have been due to just not caring as well as one health issue getting in the way of fixing another. It's time to just ignore the pain, ignore everything else, and get better.
It is time to get back on my Thrive! I feel better when I'm Thriving, I am happier when I'm Thriving, and I really am healthier when I Thrive.
Maybe nobody cares, maybe people don't need me, but I still need to continue.
Yes, I am still fighting. No, I am not happy. But I am trying, and I am trying to find reasons to be happy rather than just accepting the misery. Depression is real, and it sucks. Suicidal thoughts are real, and it is scary.

The World Is Full Of Assholes

It is pretty obvious that I have been battling depression. But I am battling, I am not giving in to the suicidal thoughts I have. But I am being honest about how I am feeling. I am not hiding behind social media with puppy dogs and unicorns, I am expressing myself, it helps me and I thought it would maybe come across as a cry for help and those who care would reach out and help talk me thru this. Nope!
I thought being told to take a deep breath and smile was annoying, being put down for sharing how I am feeling... I thought those things were hard to deal with. Today someone topped it. I got an inbox message from Facebook! Letting me know that someone had anonymously reported a concern that I was suicidal. When I clicked the message my feed disappeared and was replaced with a bunch of lecture crap about how FB want to be sure everyone is safe and they care and blah fucking blah! then a list of phone numbers, emails, live chat options... finally find a place to click to exit this crap and I get a second page of the same stuff!
My thinking is, if someone cares- wouldn't they reach out to me? text, call, anything... directly to ME! That might help uplift me a bit, show me that they care. Anonymously reporting to Facebook? So I can get an auto reply? Isn't that just freaking sweet and caring?! UGH! I am very angry over this, and hurt. That is really a good way to send someone over the edge who really is on the edge.
I have a couple lights. A couple people who truly show they care, check in on me, make sure today I have at least one thing keeping me going. THAT is what helps.
I have not finished my purpose for being, and therefor I will not cave in to the desperate cries in my head to end my own life. It is a daily struggle, I cry more than I smile, every night when I take my meds I wonder if I would wake up the next day if I took the entire bottle... I hate this life and every day I realize I hate the people in this world. But a few people remind me that I am strong, and I can get thru this. So I will... just done with people. People who say they care, people who stab you in the back, people who think they have all the answers... people in general!
If you don't truly want to get involved and try to help someone, then just butt the fuck out! Cuz I don't need the kind of help you think you might offer.
I am going on with this battle the best I can, but I am doing my way.