...?...

I am not suicidal... but I don't want to be alive. I guess that means maybe I am? I don't know. I don't want to hurt those who love me by taking my own life, but...
I know I have a lot to live for, there are a lot of things in my life that bring me happiness. But the one thing that matters most is gone, and I feel that purpose would be better if wasn't around at all.
I have a shattered heart, I feel my soul is charred and frozen, I have no will to go on at this point. I have always been a strong woman, I have be thru so much pain and heart ache in my life, and survived it and come out stronger and smarter... but not this time. I have never felt so helpless and weak and defeated in all my life. Even in the worst of my past situations- I always had hope- I don't have that now, I can't find hope in current situations.
I just don't want to be alive anymore. I can't take this pain.
If my life ends, I hope the people who have caused this pain understand that all I ever did was try to love them and help them.

I believe I need help, because ultimately I know death is not the answer. It would just cause more pain to others who don't deserve that. I'm lost in my own prison.

A new chapter begins

A few years ago my health failed me, I was forced to stop working- I was devastated! I hated that I was not out being part of the work force, bringing home money to help support my family, I felt worthless. A couple years ago I started to get better, by Christmas of 2015 I decided I was going to find a job and try  it out. 2 months later I got a part time job at 7-11, I was working less than 20 hours a week, low stress, just being out of the house and making a little money was incredible for me!
After a year I was made a supervisor, I had a ton of stress, was working well over the amount of hours my health was willing to take. I was underpaid and not appreciated... It was time to move on. I loved that job! The customers, the constant on the go, thats what I enjoy. But as time continued I realized there were things I really wasn't happy about and they wouldn't ever change. I started looking for a different job. I had one company in mind that I really wanted to work for- so I signed up on their employment page and got weekly emails about what locations were hiring for what positions. Finally something I could do and wanted to do came up! I immediately responded. I had a phone interview, followed by an in person interview the next day- and was hired on the spot!
Three days of going in to take care of paperwork and stuff and can today say I am officially employed with Smith's! I am so excited to be starting a new job and a new chapter of my employment book. I will be a part time cashier for an amazing company.
I left the job 7-11 with mixed emotions. I really did love that job, but at the same time I hated it. But it is now behind me. It helped me get back into work mode, it helped me regain my confidence and prove to myself that I could do anything I set out to do.
I start my training with Smith's tomorrow and am very excited about this opportunity to hopefully advance my needs- mentally and emotionally, even more. The past 8 years have been quite a roller coaster with employment and health, but I feel I am on the right track to a better me.
To everyone who supported me thru the rough times, supporting my choice to leave the last job and seek out something new, helping me thru the days I wanted to walk off the job when it got that bad... thank you.
Here's to the future!

Lagoon Day

I have not been to Lagoon since about 1994. And honestly had no plans to go any time in the near future. But thanx to a wonderful man giving a wonderful gift- we were able to have a family Lagoon day with TC and Katina and the kids. Other family was invited, but only a cousin and her daughter came. Sadly it is so expensive no one was really able to join us. But we still had an incredible time with the 9 of us who went! I am soo glad I decided to do this! Troy took the day off work, too. 
We got there before the gates opened, probably in the first 50 people in the park last Wednesday morning. Altho I don't go on the rides, I still had so much fun watching the kids and my husband have fun. I did go on one ride- Rattlesnake Rapids, that was fun. We had lunch, we went to Lagoon A Beach and rented tubes to float around for a while. We went to Pioneer Village and had the old west photos done... the entire day was incredible! So many laughs and smiles and memories. I was so happy that I was physically able to spend 10 hours on my feet and in the heat! And Katina, too! I got her on Thrive a couple weeks ago and Lagoon never would have been an option for her if she hadn't had such an amazing experience with Thrive! She and I left at 8:30, the guys and the kids stayed until the park closed.
This family, TC, Katina, Ambri, Alexander and Devin- have truly become family to Troy and I. I am so grateful and blessed to have them in my life to create memories with and have good times with. Sadly the two people who brought us together weren't able to join us- my daughter and TC's son who married last summer unknowingly created the best family ever! I wish we could have had them with us that day.

This was a day that will not be forgotten. Thank you to all who were involved in making this possible for us all. We are truly grateful for your love and support. Since bringing this family into my family 8 months ago, we have had our share of struggles, and never thought something like this would be possible. But one thing I have learned in these 8 months is that no matter what is in the bank or what is in the cupboards- love wins! Love, family, and staying strong is all that matters to be happy.

I love you all!