I had a bit of a scary moment today. Reality crept in.
I started my Thrive experience not knowing what to expect, really. Then I got all excited about the many changes I was experiencing! So I think my expectations grew even more. Reminder... Thrive is not a miracle, it won't just fix everything... especially if I don't put a little effort into changing some of those things I want changed.
Today I was forced to go shopping for clothes. I very much dislike shopping! But today was one of the worst. The other day when I had that big seizure, I tore my only jeans that currently fit. Today I tried on three pair of jeans in my drawer- nope, they don't fit! So off to WalMart! I refuse to buy nice expensive jeans at this size, because I do not plan to be this size for long!
So I start looking at what they have, grab a couple pair and head off to the dressing room. I'm pretty sure I cried in that dressing room today. Never in my life have I had to purchase the size pants I bought today. I was, and am, devastated! How did this happen? And why is it not changing?
So I sit here thinking this is it. I am done! I made a choice to improve my health and my life, yet, somehow, I'm not giving myself the full opportunity that I deserve! There is no reason for this, other than I am weak.
So it is time for some changes. it's time to give myself the full benefit of being healthy and happy! I am extremely healthier than I was a couple months ago. And happier? Much! But I have that one weak spot- my weight. I don't care what other people say, I care how I feel, how I look in a mirror. I am not anorexic or bulimic or any of that crap... I just need to be happy in my own body, I need to look good to ME, not to you, not to my husband, not to anyone but me. Here I am, not at all happy with the body I currently have, not at all happy that I had to buy pants bigger than I have ever bought in my life, not at all happy with what I see when I look in the mirror.
But I do have hope, and determination. I will lose this fat, I will be the size I want to be, and I will never buy pants this big again!
This couldn't have happened on a better day, I'm sure if I had stayed home, I probably would have dwelled on it and gotten more down. But I was lucky enough to have a meeting with some of the most amazing people I've come to know. Whenever I go to one of these Le-Vel locals, I always get so inspired and pick up so much motivation from those around me... it was perfect! So I do have that motivation and drive... not only to lose that weight and feel better about myself, but also to help motivate others to improve their lives.
This has been a really difficult month for me, but I am keeping my head up, and pushing thru. I will come out on top!
My Love
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
My Life With Epilepsy
When I was about 13 or 14 I started having problems sleeping. I would wake up on the floor, in complete muscle pain, sweating, sometimes even finding I had wet the bed. No idea what was going on, at first I thought maybe it was bad dreams. Then I realized there was a pattern... this happened about once a month. In my head, I knew something was happening to me. I mentioned it to my mother a couple times, especially on the real bad days that I felt like death and didn't think I could make it thru the school day. But she always turned a deaf ear. One of those parents who believed if I wasn't gushing blood and have bones sticking out~ there was no reason to miss school... or see a doctor! So 3 or 4 years of this nightmare, pretty much on a monthly basis... Middle of the night, I wake- but have zero control of how my body moves, no voice to scream for help, pitch black room. Beyond terrifying for me... and of course a mother who thought I was making it up.
The summer between my junior and senior year in high school I went to spend time with family in San Diego, my parents headed off to Hawaii. After a couple days I went to the grocery store with my uncle and my new little cousin. All I remember is walking down an aisle carrying the baby( my uncle was somewhere else in the store), I remember someone scream, and what felt like the baby being taken out of my arms. Next thing I knew, I was on a stretcher being loaded into an ambulance, my uncle right there next to me. I was confused, disoriented, and terrified! I really don't remember much of my hospital stay, but I was told I had had a grand mal seizure. My parents returned from Hawaii, the doctors put me on meds. We were referred to a doctor back in Salt Lake.
I was a wreck! What did all this mean? Was my life going to change because of some messed up brain abnormality? I was hurt and angry with my mother- she wouldn't listen, she didn't believe me... and now look!
Over the years I have had a number of physical and emotional challenges surrounding my epilepsy. Working, raising my daughter, driving. I managed to live a very normal life for a long time, but the seizures changed from night time to anytime, from monthly to random. I had to stop doing so many things in order to remain safe. I don't go swimming, I no longer drive, rock climbing is out.
The past few years seem to have been my worst in the 35 years I've suffered from this disease. But I have an incredible support system. Kayla has been there her entire life- witnessing and helping me thru these seizures. Troy always makes sure I am safe. He allows me to sleep with the tv on... after those years of total silence and darkness, the television truly does put me at ease to go to sleep... because I know if I wake to a seizure, there will be some light that I can try to focus on, and I can hear something other than the noise in my head.
Last night was the worst seizure I've had in probably three years. I woke from it totally disoriented. I didn't recognize my daughter or my husband, I could hear Troy speaking to me, but the words were incomprehensible (I think that's the word I want), my dear Roxy- my seizure dog, was trying to check on me and all I did was push her away. When I was able to get up- every muscle in my body was cramped, Charlie horses! I couldn't walk.
I was once told I might outgrow this, but I'm pretty sure I'm past that window. But I have done research, and I am now on a mission to find a neurologist who believes in some of the things Ive read. There is a 75% success rate in women who have a hysterectomy- no longer having seizures! This is my goal at this point.
After all the years of injuries and anxiety, limits and precautions... I am keeping a very positive outlook for the future of my condition.
The idea of not getting anymore major injuries is a wonderful thought! I've had a number of concussions, black eyes, cuts on various parts of my body, road rash on my face and other parts... I don't hold my breath that this will be 'cured', but I can keep a hopeful attitude!
Thank you to my family and friends who have ever been there and helped thru one of my seizures, and thanx to everyone who has said prayers for me, and supported me.
The summer between my junior and senior year in high school I went to spend time with family in San Diego, my parents headed off to Hawaii. After a couple days I went to the grocery store with my uncle and my new little cousin. All I remember is walking down an aisle carrying the baby( my uncle was somewhere else in the store), I remember someone scream, and what felt like the baby being taken out of my arms. Next thing I knew, I was on a stretcher being loaded into an ambulance, my uncle right there next to me. I was confused, disoriented, and terrified! I really don't remember much of my hospital stay, but I was told I had had a grand mal seizure. My parents returned from Hawaii, the doctors put me on meds. We were referred to a doctor back in Salt Lake.
I was a wreck! What did all this mean? Was my life going to change because of some messed up brain abnormality? I was hurt and angry with my mother- she wouldn't listen, she didn't believe me... and now look!
Over the years I have had a number of physical and emotional challenges surrounding my epilepsy. Working, raising my daughter, driving. I managed to live a very normal life for a long time, but the seizures changed from night time to anytime, from monthly to random. I had to stop doing so many things in order to remain safe. I don't go swimming, I no longer drive, rock climbing is out.
The past few years seem to have been my worst in the 35 years I've suffered from this disease. But I have an incredible support system. Kayla has been there her entire life- witnessing and helping me thru these seizures. Troy always makes sure I am safe. He allows me to sleep with the tv on... after those years of total silence and darkness, the television truly does put me at ease to go to sleep... because I know if I wake to a seizure, there will be some light that I can try to focus on, and I can hear something other than the noise in my head.
Last night was the worst seizure I've had in probably three years. I woke from it totally disoriented. I didn't recognize my daughter or my husband, I could hear Troy speaking to me, but the words were incomprehensible (I think that's the word I want), my dear Roxy- my seizure dog, was trying to check on me and all I did was push her away. When I was able to get up- every muscle in my body was cramped, Charlie horses! I couldn't walk.
I was once told I might outgrow this, but I'm pretty sure I'm past that window. But I have done research, and I am now on a mission to find a neurologist who believes in some of the things Ive read. There is a 75% success rate in women who have a hysterectomy- no longer having seizures! This is my goal at this point.
After all the years of injuries and anxiety, limits and precautions... I am keeping a very positive outlook for the future of my condition.
The idea of not getting anymore major injuries is a wonderful thought! I've had a number of concussions, black eyes, cuts on various parts of my body, road rash on my face and other parts... I don't hold my breath that this will be 'cured', but I can keep a hopeful attitude!
Thank you to my family and friends who have ever been there and helped thru one of my seizures, and thanx to everyone who has said prayers for me, and supported me.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Brandon's Ride 2015
We had a few bikes show up to registration, but a number of them left before we started the ride... safety was a huge issue! We decided to change the route, due to the fact that the original plan would have taken us to higher elevations where we knew there would be snow. I had six amazingly brave bikers, and 2 passengers, brave the elements and ride!
By the time we arrived at the park for the meal and festivities, the smile on my face just grew! We pulled in and I saw a pavilion packed with people! I was thrilled that so many people still came out to support the event and the causes! I'm pretty sure I was crying as I walked up.
Honor and Remember presented a personalized flag to Carol and the family. We had a representative from Canines With A Cause, and Hand In Hand Outdoors~ the two organizations we chose to contribute our funds to. Golden Corral, as always, provided us with a wonderful meal. We had a number of businesses donate awesome prizes for the raffle.
In the end it was a success! We did not raise as much money as I had hoped, but we did raise just shy of $1200, which is being divided between the two organizations.
This was an incredible experience for me. Organizing and seeing it all come together as well as it did... I could not have done it all without Steves help! I had never done something like this, and was really just winging it, but Steve has done this before, he reminded me of things I never would have thought about, he made contacts that were key to the success of this event.
Our favorite local hero, and Purple Heart recipient, Gordon Ewell (in the photo with Carol), was there at registration as he is every year~ to give us a motivational speech and send off, and as always, stood in the street saluting us as we pulled out... even in the downpour!
I am still so overwhelmed with emotions from this. But my mind is already racing with ideas and planning for next year! 2016 will mark the tenth year of this event, and the weather has to be better than this year was!
Just a short background for anyone who doesn't know about this event or Brandon... Brandon J Thomas was killed in Iraq in 2005, doing what he believed in. The following year his father, Steve, put together this event, originally to start a scholarship fund to help children of the fallen go to college. After a few years, he was not able to continue organizing the event due to time restraints. So for three years, I did just a memorial ride. No fees or raffles, just to ride in memory of Brandon. Because of the fact that no one had applied for the scholarship, we decided to change from the scholarship to actually donating the monies to organizations that can use the money now.
It is always an honor to support our fallen and the wounded and those suffering PTSD.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mothers Day
All these years I have looked at Mothers Day with the wrong eyes. I've seen it as a day to recognize the woman who gave birth to me and raised me... and wants nothing to do with me, who sees everything I've ever done in my life was wrong, and whose standard I will never live up to. Pfft! Done!
All this time I should have been seeing this day as the day I became a mom! 23 years ago I became a mom! And it has been a wonderful, amazing experience! I love being a mom! I can't even imagine what my life would be if I wasn't. So happy mothers day to me!
I've always said family isn't about blood, it's about those who love and accept you for who you are... with that, I have more moms than I could ask for! Those amazing women who I look up to, who motivate and inspire me, who are there for me when I need advice or a shoulder to cry on. That's a mom to me! And I am incredibly grateful for those women being in my life! And the woman who adopted and is raising my youngest, most don't understand~ but I have more respect for this woman, and am more thankful for her than anyone in my life!
Altho am still not a big fan of these 'Hallmark holidays', I do have a new outlook and attitude about this one. I honestly think days like today are more about retailers making money than about recognizing mom!
So happy mothers day to all you moms, and all you women who act as moms! If you have kids or any young people who love and look up to you, you are a mom!
All this time I should have been seeing this day as the day I became a mom! 23 years ago I became a mom! And it has been a wonderful, amazing experience! I love being a mom! I can't even imagine what my life would be if I wasn't. So happy mothers day to me!
I've always said family isn't about blood, it's about those who love and accept you for who you are... with that, I have more moms than I could ask for! Those amazing women who I look up to, who motivate and inspire me, who are there for me when I need advice or a shoulder to cry on. That's a mom to me! And I am incredibly grateful for those women being in my life! And the woman who adopted and is raising my youngest, most don't understand~ but I have more respect for this woman, and am more thankful for her than anyone in my life!
Altho am still not a big fan of these 'Hallmark holidays', I do have a new outlook and attitude about this one. I honestly think days like today are more about retailers making money than about recognizing mom!
So happy mothers day to all you moms, and all you women who act as moms! If you have kids or any young people who love and look up to you, you are a mom!
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Life just seems to be getting better! The little things aren't bothering me so much any more. I have my life back... almost. I really want to get a part time job~ staying home truly drives me crazy, and we could really use a little extra income.
My biggest thing lately, and it seems like a common thing, is that I can't help everyone! I normally take pride in the fact that I am always there for my friends when they need me, and even for strangers if there is something I can do- I will. This past couple weeks I have been so caught up in my own busy life that I wasn't there for a couple very good friends who really needed strength and support... and I felt terrible! I also have some friends struggling with health issues, things I can totally relate to! And I KNOW I can help them... if they would trust me and let me. Sometimes I feel I have failed those I care about. I know I can't save the world, and I can't make everyone happy all the time. And I get super frustrated when I take the time and effort to help someone and check on them and then get shoved aside like I don't matter. If I knew people would be like that, I could save my energies for the people who truly do matter in my life!
I have less than a week until Brandon's Ride, and there is so much last minute stuff to do! I hope I remember everything! Steve has been such a huge help with everything, I honestly could not have done this without him! Feels like I have been going non-stop for four months on this... next week I can finally relax! Not sure I will even know what to do with my time!
A lot of changes are taking place, and I'm feeling a bit lost as to where I belong and what my purpose is now. On the outside I know I appear to be healthy and happy and living my dream. Well, I am healthy and happy... healthier and happier than I have been in years! But with all that comes a lot of change. Along with other changes in my home, I am really overwhelmed with emotions. I need to sit down and take a bit of a self inventory... what I am, what I need and want, and where everyone else in the family truly fits in. I love my family, I'm not saying I want them gone! I just need to figure out the dynamics of the relationships in the house. there really is so much change going on with all of us, that I am confused and needing some balance.
I've had my parents on my mind a lot recently... maybe because mothers day is coming up, I really don't know. I've decided I am going to write each of my parents a letter, not a private letter- but something I will publish here on my blog. No, I have no desire or plans to reconnect with my mother, that relationship has always been toxic, for as long as I can remember, and I know, after trying time and time again, there is no possible way to mend it. She and I are best off to stay away from one another. I refuse to put myself or my family back into that situation. My father, on the other hand, is missed terribly! I wish he would contact me, but I have no idea what he has been told by my mother as to why I don't come around. Maybe she lied to him, maybe she exaggerated things, or maybe he is just as glad to be rid of me as she is. I know I am not the daughter he wanted me to be, but I still love him. I can't say that about my mother.
I know this post is so totally random and has no real point, I just needed to get somethings out of my head! I finally got my tablet back and am able to sit down and write. So yeah, this was pretty much just a vent post... because I had the time.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer- I know, it isn't summer yet, but it feels like it! Be safe, watch out for motorcycles, and have an incredible day!
And of course THRIVE ON! If any of you are interested in learning about the amazing products that have changed my health and my life so dramatically, contact me or check out my web site redmccann.le-vel.com
Love and light and god bless!
My biggest thing lately, and it seems like a common thing, is that I can't help everyone! I normally take pride in the fact that I am always there for my friends when they need me, and even for strangers if there is something I can do- I will. This past couple weeks I have been so caught up in my own busy life that I wasn't there for a couple very good friends who really needed strength and support... and I felt terrible! I also have some friends struggling with health issues, things I can totally relate to! And I KNOW I can help them... if they would trust me and let me. Sometimes I feel I have failed those I care about. I know I can't save the world, and I can't make everyone happy all the time. And I get super frustrated when I take the time and effort to help someone and check on them and then get shoved aside like I don't matter. If I knew people would be like that, I could save my energies for the people who truly do matter in my life!
I have less than a week until Brandon's Ride, and there is so much last minute stuff to do! I hope I remember everything! Steve has been such a huge help with everything, I honestly could not have done this without him! Feels like I have been going non-stop for four months on this... next week I can finally relax! Not sure I will even know what to do with my time!
A lot of changes are taking place, and I'm feeling a bit lost as to where I belong and what my purpose is now. On the outside I know I appear to be healthy and happy and living my dream. Well, I am healthy and happy... healthier and happier than I have been in years! But with all that comes a lot of change. Along with other changes in my home, I am really overwhelmed with emotions. I need to sit down and take a bit of a self inventory... what I am, what I need and want, and where everyone else in the family truly fits in. I love my family, I'm not saying I want them gone! I just need to figure out the dynamics of the relationships in the house. there really is so much change going on with all of us, that I am confused and needing some balance.
I've had my parents on my mind a lot recently... maybe because mothers day is coming up, I really don't know. I've decided I am going to write each of my parents a letter, not a private letter- but something I will publish here on my blog. No, I have no desire or plans to reconnect with my mother, that relationship has always been toxic, for as long as I can remember, and I know, after trying time and time again, there is no possible way to mend it. She and I are best off to stay away from one another. I refuse to put myself or my family back into that situation. My father, on the other hand, is missed terribly! I wish he would contact me, but I have no idea what he has been told by my mother as to why I don't come around. Maybe she lied to him, maybe she exaggerated things, or maybe he is just as glad to be rid of me as she is. I know I am not the daughter he wanted me to be, but I still love him. I can't say that about my mother.
I know this post is so totally random and has no real point, I just needed to get somethings out of my head! I finally got my tablet back and am able to sit down and write. So yeah, this was pretty much just a vent post... because I had the time.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer- I know, it isn't summer yet, but it feels like it! Be safe, watch out for motorcycles, and have an incredible day!
And of course THRIVE ON! If any of you are interested in learning about the amazing products that have changed my health and my life so dramatically, contact me or check out my web site redmccann.le-vel.com
Love and light and god bless!
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