Been quite a while since I even tried to tackle this blog! So lets catch up... 2020 was an insane rollercoaster of a year! The pandemic- both positive and negative came of it... part one of it! People said 2021 will be better... pandemics don't just vanish over night!

The election- wow... I won't say much on that other than I saw the true colors of a lot of people, I saw the hate and division in this country, and it sickens me!

We are now in February... 2021. My parents have been vaccinated, some friends have been as well because they are health care workers and teachers. I feel like parts of my world have crumbled around me- crumbles into such tiny pieces that they cannot be put back together. Other things are going so well- even a sledge hammer couldn't break me. 

It is so hard to look at some people and ever think I will see them the same as I did a year ago. But I know people make choices, people change... I am one of them. I stopped putting up with the bullshit. I stopped accepting apologies that didn't mean a thing. I stopped making excuses for other people.

I dove into my business- I am making it! I am focused, and I love what I am doing! I don't need those fake people in my life who do things that hurt... I DO have real friends, and I have the people who matter.

A year ago I was in the hospital having major tests done to see if I was eligible for brain surgery... What a stupid idea! voluntary brain surgery at my age? So this year I am facing some new medical things... first- a brand new specialist for my epilepsy. Scary and exciting at the same time, I meet her tomorrow. Yes, her. The 40 years I have had epilepsy, I have had 3 doctors. The first I hated and he didn't even last thru high school. The next 2 doctors- old, male, and not born in this country- leaving them a bit difficult to communicate with... their accents were strong. Amazing doctors, tho- both of them. So now? Female, young, and American. No, I am not racist, I just a new and fresh look at my situation, from someone who I can have a conversation with and not leave wondering what the doctor had just said to me. And I want this to be the last doctor I need for this.

A bunch of tests have come back telling me I am not as healthy in some areas as I thought I was, a couple things that a bit concerning but that I can fix by altering my lifestyle and eating habits. I am lucky to get that chance. And I will make it happen. I refuse to allow my health to stop me from living my best life... especially if I can do something about it.

A dear friend passed away in July. Someone I looked up to as a friend and a dad. It was heartbreaking, but I was given the most amazing blessing of sound when he passed. His wife gifted me his hearing aides. I keep thinking I am going to hear his voice... haha

Yes, it's true, I am mostly deaf without them now. I didn't even realize it until I could hear!

I will end this for now, I actually have a topic I want to get deeper into but in a post of it's own.

2020- A Year Like No Other!

We are entering June- not halfway thru the year yet but it seems to have lasted 3 years! 
January~ We listed out home and started making plans to return to the city.
February~ I went in the hospital for extensive testing to determine surgical options to treat my epilepsy... After 5 days of a planned ten, I walked out of the hospital, I was done. Zero results from any testing to that point, I was miserable- and honestly, at my age brain surgery is not what I really want!
Late February~ Troy left, returned to the city to begin work.
March~ I packed, cried, was lonely. The term Corona Virus came to be used everywhere. Cities started telling people to stay home, businesses started making it possible for workers to work from home.
A major earthquake hit Salt Lake! Stay inside to avoid the virus- get out of your house to avoid injury... what the hell is going on in our world?
Last week of March is when people really started getting put on stay home orders and cities were closing down- empty streets, dark businesses, Even the strip in Las Vegas was closed! Every casino dark. What alternate reality are we living in? And we cannot forget the great toilet paper shortage of 2020!
This was the weekend we packed up our home and said goodbye to our home, my dream come true, that fantastic little community that will always hold a place in my heart! It was hard to get help moving when we are told to not be around other people! But we have some pretty amazing friends!
April~ Aftershocks, coronavirus- aka covid19 is all that dominates the news... by this point all events- pro sports, concerts, anything that would have a crowd- has been cancelled. Children have been stuck at home being taught by video chat with teachers. People fighting over going out in public or having family get togethers. Wear a mask, stay home, don't touch your face, stay 6 feet from everyone! constant media coverage- daily updates of the number of cases and deaths, coverage of how people are getting thru it and what some people are doing to help others, businesses that are open for limited business... I JUST WANT TO SCREAM! If this is the new normal- move on, stop the constant coverage! People are losing jobs, unemployment rates are at an all time high. People like waitresses and bar tenders cannot survive without working! My daughter has been furloughed- she thankfully will have a job to return to. But many small businesses don't have the means to reopen their doors.
May~ More of the same with the virus, more people angry over the restrictions. Announcements of graduations not taking place- sad for those seniors who worked so hard, but eventually every school found a way to honor those kids!
Murder wasps! Yes, that is what May brought- the fear of murder wasps.
A bad cop killed a black man, 3 other bad cops stood by and did nothing... the nationwide outrage has absolutely been devastating and heart breaking to watch. Our entire country is having riots- even here in Utah! Never thought I'd see the day! As of yesterday every big city nationwide is under curfew for the next week! This is absolutely mind blowing to me! "Justice for George"... the four officers have been fired, the one is in custody on murder charges... the other officers are being investigated. Is this not justice for this man? These events always bring everyone out to protest the injustice of minorities- I get that. Black lives matter- I totally see them wanting to have their voices heard!
When a city is burning- that is not protesting. When tire irons are thrown at police- that is not protesting. Defacing a capital building or library- not that either! I am ashamed of our society! We are not a civilized people! Sadly half the people who turned the protests into violent criminal events- have no idea what the cause is even about! Talk about white privilege! That is a big deal phrase right now... but most of the people I have seen causing trouble at these protests are white and under 30. Rumors of people being murdered if they disagree with the cause... MY ADULT CHILD SHOULD NOT BE LIVING IN FEAR!
I am truly fed up! Sure I grew up in a life of privilege, never even really knowing minorities- but do I treat them different? No. We are all humans, not whites, blacks, hispanics, muslims, mormons, gays, whatever... we are human! And I love everyone the same!
A police officer was killed in Ogden last week... it is always hard when that happens. This time is different than usual. There cannot be a public service due to the virus. They aren't announcing details of the service due to the protests... The family and friends of this officer should not have to be in fear of things like this! They have a right to a peaceful mourning time. My bike group was specifically created for this reason- to protect funeral services from protesters... yet we have been ordered to stand down on this one? Part of me says screw that! But that tiny little logical voice in my head says I cannot defend myself if trouble starts. I am not the 20 year old who used to fight, I am a disabled 50 year old!

So how about some positivity... We stumbled across the ideal place to live! It was totally by chance we are in the place, and I am super grateful for the location, the arrangement, and our landlord!
We got an offer on our house and are currently under contract!
We got a new(er) bike- safer for me, mor comfortable for us both, it has all the features we have talked about wanting if we ever got a new bike.
And now my biggest news...
For the past almost 2 years I have been a consultant with Pampered Chef, The more I experience the company and the products- I become more passionate about them! I could never sell products I didn't truly stand behind... that being said- I have decided to make this a full time career! Due to my health it is not possible for me to work outside the home, and I have a need to help support my family! So Here I am, learning more and more every day about my business and offering everyone some incredible produts, and ways to get those products free and discounted... without having to join my team- or the amazing benefits of becoming part of the Pampered Chef family!
Anyone interested can reach out to me on Facebook- Red McCann
... Find my FB business page- In The Kitchen With Red
... Email me, or text if you have my personal info
... Check my website- https://www.pamperedchef.com/pws/amccann
I have huge goals and am super excited about my business. And am looking forward to my future for the first time in a very long time!
My husband and I have been addressing some relationship issues as well as some medical issues in our efforts to live the happily ever after we promised each other. No marriage is perfect- they take work. The biggest mistake you can make- is to ignore the problems and hope they go away or convince yourself you can live with it! Address it! Communicate, talk about the things that are bothering you, about the things you need and want from your partner!
So yeah- it has been one HELL of a year so far! Lets see what June has to offer?
If you are reading this- please just pray for those who don't get it! Show kindness everywhere! Smile at a stranger, buy someones coffee, give a waitress a big tip... they are trying to recover from not working for 2 months!
I love you all and I appreciate those who take time to read what I have to say... this really is just my place to vent, to record things for future reference.

Leaving Heaven- no regrets

No regrets? No- I don't have any!
Almost 2 years ago we made a life altering decision... and now we have come to the realization that it was not the best decision for us. But I don't regret it! I have enjoyed living in a small town, and will always wish we could have stayed. But truth is, we didn't think it out enough- we didn't plan properly or think of the possible things that could become a negative in living here. And maybe some day we will even be able to return.
But for now the decision has been made to leave this little piece of heaven to return to the big city. We sadly leave behind the home we thought would be our forever home, the dream come true or finally being homeowners- is lost for now. We will return to renting until we can get on top of things again. But what we gain by giving this up, can't be replaced by material things.
Medical professionals, family, friends, mental health, job stability and benefits... all things we must have to be happy and healthy.
We are not returning to the city with an attitude of defeat or with our heads hung... we took the chance on a different life, we went with the adventure! And loved it! We had great experiences, met amazing people, made fantastic memories that will always be cherished. Lessons learned.
So 2020 is a huge year for us! Selling our home, going back to the hustle and bustle of city life- the traffic, the crowds, the nasty air. Being close again to family and friends and those who support us in hard times. Troy returning to a job he loved, where he truly was appreciated and missed. Being back to our ride community and participating in those events that were such a huge part of our lives. And for me? Brain surgery! The doctors believe they can cut open my head, remove a part of my brain, and stop my seizures! WOW! This is a life altering possibility for me. So a lot is just up in the air about the remaining part of the year after surgery as far as recovery and change. It could potentially effect every aspect of my life. Hopefully the year will also bring new employment for me, and maybe even getting my drivers license back. We will be getting a new roommate and I am real excited about that.
So here's to the next chapter! A new year and a renewed future outlook for my family!

Four Corners Get Away

Troy and I have never taken an actual road trip on the bike, and I decided it's about time! The past year since we moved has been so hectic and stressful and penny pinching... I just felt like we deserve it! Then I got thinking- wouldn't it be fun to take my daughter? Family time, let her see some things she hasn't seen... then I thought- that might be boring for her, really, and her sister in law loves to ride! They are best friends, both would love the chance to see some sights and ride!
So we recruited a couple friends so our girls would have back seats- people we trust, people we enjoy spending time with. I planned out a 5 day- 4 night trip, and a week ago the six of us headed off!

Day one was spend riding thru southern Utah and into southern Colorado. Stops about every hour to stretch, rehydrate and sun screen up! We got to our hotel in Cortez, spent some time at the pool, and crashed!
Day 2 we set out for Mesa Verde, that didn't go as planned but we did go to the museum and visitor center (I had no idea it was something I needed to plan an entire day and a big chunk of change for!)

We continued on to Four Corners. Not at all what I was expecting, but very cool. There were probably about 50 vendors- all Navajo people trying to survive selling their talents... and wow are they a bunch of talented people! In the center of this vendor square was the monument, with a 40 minute line of people waiting to get photos! Crazy! But this was my whole purpose of the trip!

Then we headed off to Farmington NM from there. I was really in awe with the people and the things I saw in this entire area. Our first stop, and really only planned stop,  in Farmington was the Harley shop... We had to get gifts and needed to get something checked on the bike to make sure it was still holding... needless to say- it was not holding.

We made an outof our control situation into probably the best night of our trip! Spent the night there, and the amazing folks at Four Corners Harley had us back on the road before noon the next day! Side note- never ever reserve a hotel room thru Expedia, Wyndham, or Day Inn! Best Western all the way!

Due to the change in where we stayed on the second night, we had to make up some time and distance so we cut about 2/3 of our route 66 off the trip- but we still rode it! And of course we stopped at one of the highlights of route 66 and did all the touristy stuff...

From there it was a quick ride to Flagstaff... What a beautiful place! It has been since my childhood and I had fprgptten how pretty Flagstaff is!

Untitled...

I have seriously slacked on my writing and sharing! My vacation is only half typed up and saved- that was in June! Life gets in the way, and I have had so many challenges and trials that I need to remember I can express here- but instead I bury them and find unhealthy outlets.
I am again, in a dark place in my life... I have so much positive in my life and so much motivation to be going forward with a lot of things... but the depression cannot be avoided, and when one thing comes to light that can change my entire perspective of things- I crash. I am not the strong person most people see, I have a really good mask to hide most of it- my priority is always being strong for others and not letting my pain show. No matter the situation. Just my personality. Meanwhile I sit at home hurting, crying, heartbroken- out of sight, and not telling anyone.
Last week, for example, my daughters grandfather passed away. Truth? It about killed me, I am hurting! I haven't been a part of that family in over 25 years, so why would I have any emotions over it? Right? No, he was a dad, treated me as family all these years. Just an example.
My depression is worse than even my husband realizes. And I don't know how to fix it, I don't have any support from anyone when it comes to my depression... maybe I do, I just haven't put it out there and asked for help. But the people I would want support from- push me away. The people I love most, don't get it or don't want to deal with it, some don't even realize how much they matter to me.
My oldest dog- Roxy, had surgery last week, tough on me- she is my life. She is doing really well tho.
We got a puppy... Zoee, she will be a small dog forever. I think part of the reason I wanted another dog was to give me another reason to live. Really, my dogs give me a reason to hold on. I know, you are thinking I am an idiot because my husband and my daughter should be my reasons... not really. Yes, I love them, but they would be ok without me, they would understand where I went... my dogs can't understand if I just disappear one day, they can't take care of themselves, either.
I am fighting again with my daughter, it seems to be a regular thing. She is just as stubborn as I was when I was young. I am terrified I am going to lose her for good, that might be what pushes me over the edge- who knows. I do know that I hate her life choices- yes, I said I hate... she is smarter than this, and deserves better.
My best friend is moving here in a couple weeks- I hope it helps me. He is one person I can open up to a little about stuff. Not that he will have a bunch of spare time for me once he is here, but an occasional meetup for coffee, bbq with he and his wife, stuff like that... and just knowing he is closer if I really need him. He really does know me better than my husband does... how pathetic is that? I really need to do something about that, too... truth- I hate how my marriage is! I love my husband so much but we really have a crappy relationship.
anyway- that's where I am today- suicidal thoughts are often there, but I don't think I would ever follow thru, at least not now. I cry- daily, and when things are bad with my daughter the tears just go non stop. 

Memories

A lot of memories have come up today, much of my past. In conversations with my best friend about some things- other things popped into my head... things I don't like to remember, things I had forgotten, things that made me smile and things that made me wonder what if.
As I have always said- I have no regrets, every choice i ever made in life brought me to where I am today and where I am meant to be. People always talk about their past and say 'that was so stupid of me,' or 'I wish I had done different.'  No! All those what ifs... mean nothing. If I had not married my abusive husband- I never would have divorced him... which is what led me to some of the people who have become long time friends. If I hadn't accepted that one job that everyone told me not to take- I never would have met my daughters father- and she wouldn't exist! So how can a person say it was stupid or you should have lived differently? I quit college- who knows where I would be if I had continued! Probably financially better off, but stuck living in the city with some boring husband and a 'typical' life. That is so not me!
I have had so many experiences in my life it really is hard to remember everything. Drug use and alcohol abuse during depression probably had a huge effect on why I struggle to remember a lot! But even that- it's part of who I am today.
People always tell me they don't me, they won't judge my past... I still hesitate. I see those same people putting others down for a lifestyle or a choice that I once had... would they still not judge me if they know? My life and my story are an open book to anyone who asks, I have very few I trust to truly open up to, people who have proven they won't just who I was, what I've done, and really don't care why.
I've done a lot of things that most wouldn't understand- not only my why, but even what! All I can say is I lived! I am not sitting here asking myself 'I wonder what that would be like?' Because every time I have asked that- I do it!
I do, however, tend to overthink things, and think about those things from the past... not ask what if or say I shouldn't have... but I analyze myself and ask WHY. Does it even matter at this point? Not really. Something for me to work on.
I really don't know where I am going with this, but I do have one bit of advice to anyone reading... NEVER pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you feel. You could miss your happily ever after. Communication is not only key to a successful marriage or working relationship- it is key to a positive, successful life!

1/4 down... 3 to go

Not gonna lie, this year so far has been rough! Financially not so bad- financial planning- yeah. But I'm talking about my health, my physical well being, as well as my mental and emotional health. I have had more days than I want to admit that I have not wanted to get out of bed! But I do! Every single day- no matter how intense the pain, or how debilitating the depression, I get out of bed every day. Some days it has taken my cane and the walls to help me get around, some days it takes me an hour to get to an upright position- but I do it! I cannot and will not allow my body or my mind to defeat me, or define me.
I have fought a few struggles, but I know that if I believe in myself and in my dreams, that everything will be ok in the long run. Nobody said life was easy, nobody said the things we have done this past year would be a walk in the park. We have to take chances and step out of our comfort zone if we want to get anywhere in life, if we want to see our dreams happen. And if that means eating ramen a few times, and fighting with your spouse more than normal, crying yourself to sleep a few more times because you feel worthless. If it means pushing thru the physical pain because you know it comes and goes in waves, and taking that pain pill once in a while that you hate to take- just to get a good nights sleep... we have to sacrifice to get what we want.
We closed on our home this first part of the year! We never thought we could become home owners. We are taking a trip this summer! Something we just have not had the means to do for years. Little things are happening for me that are reminding me of why we moved. I have faith that when the warmer weather gets here- much of my physical pain will decrease.
The rest of this year will be positive, as much as I can make it! Yes, I suffer depression- so much worse than I let anyone, even my husband, know. I hide in my house, away from people, away from where I can be seen or heard, I cry when I'm alone and do my best to put on a happy face when I have to. Luckily this isn't ongoing- it comes and goes. My depression scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go to a doctor and ask for meds- I don't want doctors to think I want some happy pills! And, I just hate meds in general. I don't want my husband to get tired of my problems and leave me. I have had suicidal thoughts- too often... that is terrifying as well- I don't want to die!
Anyway... one day at a time, one month at a time... one fourth of this year is gone!