My Birthday Weekend- Fun, fabulous... fear

This entire year has been so full of change- I truly did go on a soul searching mission, I needed to re-find myself, my passions, figure out what truly is important to me. When we moved in June, I walked away from a lot of people who I honestly felt just weren't that important anymore. I have eliminated so much negative from my life, and welcomed so much peace, I have built relationships that feel good to me, and am still working on rebuilding relationships that I have realized are important.
We had a number of things to take care of in the city and had put them off- knowing we would end up going to the city during the holidays whether we wanted to or not. So we made a list of what had to be done and who we truly wanted to see, and Friday we headed up.
Priorities were deal with first thing- business. Then off to visit a few people.
I can truly say our visit with my parents, altho short, was the best time I have had with them in I don't even know how long. We talked, we laughed, it was like everything is finally normal with us... after all the hurt and the anger, the years of no contact... I feel like I have my mom and dad again- and it is the best feeling ever!
We stayed the night with my mother-in-law and had a nice visit with her as well. She is truly the sweetest, kindest woman I have ever had in my life. We went to dinner with her and just spent some time visiting. She is often alone, both of her kids live a couple hours away. But she is a very kind and loving woman.
Saturday started with a phone call from my daughter- as my birthday always does, It sucks that I can't see her more, but that is part of having our kids grow up. Then some friends met us for breakfast, it was great to just relax and laugh with a bunch of our friends who really didn't even know each other! People I missed more than I realized- people who I care about a lot. There were people who couldn't be there that do mean the world to me, but it felt good that these few took the time to come see us.
We made one last stop half way home to see a dear friend who I realized I haven't seen in almost 3 years- but the friendship remains, she makes me laugh like no other.
We came home and spent a quiet evening at home with our fur babies who missed us terribly! Birthdays aren't what they used to be- I didn't care that I wasn't out drinking and dancing, I just wanted to be home.
Then Sunday came... catching up on chores and such, and watching football. Then a call from my daughter again... reality. Fear hit hard, shock, panic really. Her dad, my ex husband, had a heart attack. He turned 50 the day before and has always been one of the healthiest people I know. How does that even happen? I was overwhelmed with sudden thoughts of how do I help my daughter thru this- how would I help my daughter thru this if it had been a more serious heart attack? The thought of losing him has never entered my mind. My heart hurt, for her, for his mom who has been my best friend and my rock for almost 30 years, for my good friend who just became his wife a couple months ago... and for myself. I thank the gods he is going to be ok! He was taken by helicopter to the U of U, and if all goes well he could be home tomorrow. So much goes thru your head when something like this happens. I worry about my daughter, she knows her grand parents aren't well- but to have this now, to have the concern over her dad, too, just makes me sad. She has dealt with my health issues for as long as she can remember- but they have never been life threatening.
I think it is time for all of us to reevaluate our lifestyle choices and make some changes and do what it takes to improve our health and live longer so we can be here for her for as long as possible.

Family Time

My daughter and I have always been so very close... until she got married. Our relationship became strained, we didn't spend time together- we hardly even talked much. She moved away, then I moved further away the other direction.
Things are getting back to normal with us- talking more, laughing more... and she came to spend this past weekend with us.

Nothing compares to time spent with the one person who is truly your everything. We had an amazing time just being together, the three of us. We spent some time with friends, we went sight seeing, and just hung out at the house together.

I wish she lived closer, I wish we could see each other more, I wish a lot of things for her. But she is living the best life she can and I am so proud of her and the life she is making for herself. 

Sadly our visit barely lasted 48 hours... but every minute was cherished. We took the time, with the help of a dear friend, to get photos and memories of this weekend. We haven't had real photos done for so many years- it is nice to have something updated, as well as memories of our time together.

This is us, this is out life, this is my world...

I was so truly happy this weekend, nothing mattered other than the moment. I love my life and I am so blessed to have this husband and this daughter.

Something About a Small Town

A year ago if someone had said "hey, let's go out tonight," I would have given them a list of reasons not to go... Friday night traffic, crowds, drunk drivers, the list goes on. That was life in the city, we stayed in most weekends because we just didn't feel safe going out, or have any desire to deal with crowds of any kind.
Tonight Troy came home from work and I said lets go! We drove into town and parked behind the diner. The place was packed, I think we got the last table other than the 8-top. We had a nice dinner, I chatted with the lady raffling a quilt for a fund raiser, we saw people coming and going with faces painted for Day of the Dead... and the entire staff had their faces and hair done, as well. 
After dinner we walked Main Street. It was a beautiful night- the weather was just right, not too cold. Families and people walking their dogs, the tamale lady we can always count on to be there, there was a booth doing flu shots, the galleries and shops were all open. We went to the new Harley museum... when we came out I could hear the kids across at the park laughing and playing. THIS is why I wanted to live in a small town. Kids can play after sunset and not be afraid of being snatched away, people can wander in the street and not fear being hit by a car. People come out on Friday nights- not to cause trouble, but to have fun!
We talked to strangers, we enjoyed being outside. To date I have heard one siren since we moved here, I've seen no car accidents. I don't hear traffic other than an occasional loud train.
I stepped outside before bed last night leaving my porch light off- I saw so many stars! There is almost no light pollution here to keep me from seeing them.
This move has had its ups and downs, and sometimes I have to remind myself why we made this decision... last night was one of those reminders that my small town gave me without me having to tell myself.
It was a perfect evening in this new chapter of our life.

4 letters...

Dear Young Teen Girl~ So many people will ask why you didn't speak out sooner, why you let it continue. You will be told what you 'should have' done... you can't change the past. I bet I know why you never spoke up- you were scared, manipulated, confused. Don't let any of this make you feel inferior, don't allow this experience to define you, and don't you ever let anyone tell you that it was your fault- even what is to come- it is not your fault! You have a long road of healing and court and rebuilding your own life and your relationships with your family. You won't be ok tomorrow, you may not be ok next year... but you will be ok. He hurt you, he violated your trust and your privacy and so many other aspects of you. He lied and probably made you lie, and he will be in a place far from where he can ever hurt you or anyone in your family ever again. Don't let this weigh you down, rise up and grow from this experience, be strong and move forward with your life, help others to be strong- teach them that what happened to you is not ok and they need to use their voice. Strengthen your bond with your sister, and your mother. Your mother feels she failed you, feels like the worst mother ever... she didn't do this, she would have done something if she had known. She loves you more than life!
Dear Mother of Teen Girl~ You did not fail! You are not responsible. I know what people are saying to you- I also know what your response is. 'How could you not know?' People like him are good at what they do, hiding it, manipulating the child. And you had your dream! You had the man of your dreams and your family and he took such good care of you all... you were blinded by that to anything going on that might take that away. He made sure you were happy, so you wouldn't question anything he did. He had your trust, what would make you doubt him? You did not fail your daughter, it hurts! It is not just an emotional pain- it is a physical pain that won't go away any time soon... but it will go away. And you will heal and your daughter will heal. More than ever you and your family need to bond and be stronger than ever together, support her, believe her! Hear her. You need time to heal, she needs time to heal. Be that mom that your daughter needs, show her what a strong and amazing young lady you are creating in her. Therapy- family therapy, healing process and putting it behind you. But don't hide behind the walls of your home. Have a voice, don't let this experience fade into the shadows- make it known what he has done to your daughter, to your family. Make it known that this is not acceptable for any step parent or parent. Make it known that your family is stronger than he is. Believe in your daughter, believe in yourself... and believe that people believe you. Don't allow anyone to blame you.
Dear Step Father- How dare you! You married a woman you supposedly loved, you took on her children and created a family. You had them all trusting you and loving you. And then you manipulate everything and destroy every aspect of that picture perfect family. You lied to them all, you kept secrets and made them keep secrets from each other! You scared an innocent girl into doing what you wanted. And in a matter of hours 4 innocent lives crumbled because of your sick, selfish, disgusting existence! Your wife has had the man who she trusted and loved exposed as a monster, she has had her children ripped from her home, and she has been attacked by outsiders for not protecting her children from you. Two girls have been forever traumatized by you, they can- and will heal emotionally, but the physical scars and the nightmares... no, they will live with that. And a young man who is far away in the military unable to rush to his sisters' side or his mothers to comfort any of them right now. You are the definition of evil.
Dear Former Friend~ I am completely mind blown by what I have heard and read over the past 48 hours. You? No, that isn't you... yeah, it is. But you love your family... UGH! Why didn't I see this? I've been there- and you know that! I opened up to you about the hell we went thru, the nightmare my daughter lived. What I as a mom went thru and as the wife of that monster. And you acted like you fucking cared! I hate you! I have literally been sick to my stomach thinking about this. Why? No, I know why... because I have been there! You just sicken me. I am still just at a loss for words at this point- you were my friend! Like a little brother! How did I not see this in you? Maybe because you live so far away and we were never around each other, I don't know. But I guess it just goes to show- you never truly know a person.

Just in time

When we were first talking about leaving the city we had a lot of reasons- traffic, noise, accidents... the basic stuff that pushes peoples buttons. Shortly before we left, we witnessed a sheet being pulled over a biker- that had followed numerous motorcycle accidents already this year. I feared getting on the bike anymore.
After we left the city it seemed every week there were multiple motorcycle accidents- and more than half were fatal.
In the past month or so- there have been more bike accidents, a large number of fatal car accidents, and shootings! Violence seems to be on the rampage up there lately! My last place of employment has been robbed twice! The last time, the clerk was stabbed! All of this terrifies me!
We truly did leave just in time. Are we free of all that here? Of course not- I know that. But I think we are a lot less likely to be caught in the middle of a shooting or get stabbed when we go for a snack, or even be victim of a drunk driver.
My daughter is learning to drive, scares the hell out of me! she will be driving and moving back to the city. I know- she's an adult, she needs to face the things we all do. But those mom thoughts will always be in my head- why can't I just protect her forever? Then soon her sister will be driving too? I haven't raised my other daughter, but she is still in my head every single day. Her dad is amazing, so is her mom, I know they are teaching her well, but the things happening in the city- most of the time can't be avoided! You can't forsee a drunk driver coming at you, you can't know that your work is going to be held up- or that an ex will lose his mind and come hunt you down with a gun.
I see these things on the news and just breathe a sigh of relief that I am not in the middle of that anymore. I will worry every day for the rest of forever about my girls and others I care about... But as I keep reminding myself, I have chosen to live for me, we moved to save ourselves.
So now what do I worry about here? I worry about the first deer that comes into the yard and what my dog will do! I worry about my husbands work truck having problems in the winter... yes, small town life is stressful! lol

Random thoughts

Been thinking a lot about things that have or haven't happened over the years, opportunities I had, choices I made... where I would be today had I made different choices.
The first big one- what if I had admitted to myself and to others that I preferred women over men way back when...? Everything would be different, that's for sure! I wouldn't have 2 amazing daughters, and that is probably the biggest difference.But it would have completely changed the path of my life- jobs, education, even where I lived. Where would I be today?
Second- much further down the road. What if I had taken that job, that one job that would have given me a career, a future, benefits including retirement... as a single mom- that was a dream come true- that I turned down.
What if I had pulled the trigger that night? would I be locked up for murder for the rest of my life? before I had kids. Or would they have seen it as I did- or as I chose to- defending my own life, protecting me.
All the choices to this point were made because I needed something different than what was in front of me. Some logical choices, some emotional choices- either way, they were what I felt was best in the long term.
Moving on to other 'what-ifs'...
I made a choice to start doing pornography. There were, at the time, a number of positives to this! But what if I hadn't? What if I had stepped back and chosen to not take that path? That really is a big question mark in my mind. I still have no regrets from that part of my life, I have no regrets about anything. It was an interesting experience, fun, educational, very profitable...
Which brings me to my next 'what if'...
Where would I be today if I had gone back into that line of work after prison? Would I be married? Would I be rich? Would I even be successful with it at this age?
My point that has been eating at me is this... no matter what choices I made, they were what I needed at the time to bring me to where I am today. Today I am happy. I may not have as much money as I would like, I may not have the retirement savings to keep my mind at ease. I may still have nightmares about that night with the gun. But I am happy. I have everything I need and want- a wonderful husband, who never would have come into my life if any of those choices had been different, a beautiful daughter, who may not even exist if some of those choices had been different.
Life gives us choices every single day. We can take option A or option B- one will take us down a completely different path than the other. But as I have learned, you can't allow yourself to over think these options. Do what feels right! Don't look at them both and ask where will this take me 10 years from now- because I can tell you from experience, a choice you make today may be offset by one you make tomorrow, or next month.
Live for now, live for happiness. And for goodness sake don't dwell on the past and those what ifs!  

The story of Troy

This amazing guy- my husband... turned 50 this past week. Life I'm sure has not turned out the way he expected, our marriage- I know is not what he expected.

I met Troy in 1984 in high school. We had a ton of mutual friends and he was the quieter one of the group... always there, but never got into trouble, never was the center of attention. He was nice with the bad boy look. I was a year older, and pretty much had my life planned out- engaged already.
We remained friends thru my dark marriage and rebellious divorce period... even went out once... until I drifted away to live my life day by day, taking things as they came. 
Fast forward to when I became a mom. I was separated from my husband and working nights at Village Inn- back when they were a 24 hour place. Troy would come in, sometimes alone sometimes with friends- sit for hours drinking coffee. He rode his motorcycle year round, we would make sure he had plenty of hot coffee! He came in almost every night and would help care for my daughter. There were many nights I had no choice but to take her to work with me, and she was so happy with him.
Again life got in the way and we lost track of each other. I married a third time (to another friend of Troys), left the state for a while. Then was in a long term relationship that ended weeks before I was to marry again. Then met someone I thought would be my last. Turns out he and Troy knew each other, I saw Troy off and on at the coffee shop during that time.
That marriage turned my entire life up-side-down, I thought I would never see anyone I knew again- ever.
Fast forward 2007... I was working at a gas station and guess who walked thru the door! I threw my arms around him like he was my long lost brother! I had been thru some shit and every familiar face at that point was a blessing!  He told me to go outside with him, he needed to show me something... so I did. He finally, after so many years, got himself a brand new Harley. He was so excited to show it to me, so proud of that bike! We talked for a few minutes until I had to get back to work. We made plans to go for a ride.
We have been together ever since.
Troy had a good job driving truck locally, I quickly moved up from a cashier to assistant manager, to getting my own store. He helped me get places- I was truly just starting my life over, with nothing. He helped my self esteem, he helped me believe in myself so I could climb to where I got. He stood by me when a lot of people wouldn't. He didn't care what others thought or said. Troy loved me for me... and still does.
Troy has been there for me thru things I never would have expected in my life, he has supported me emotionally and financially. He has sat at my bedside thru major illnesses and surgeries, and sat at my side when we celebrated my high points as well. He has put up with who I am and things I do... face it- I am not the quiet reserved type! He never said a word when I chose to help this friend or that family when they were in need of a roof over their head- he helped me.
When depression set in he just wanted me to be better, he was willing to do anything to make sure I was ok...
Which led us to where we are today. I needed out of the city, I couldn't take it anymore. He went along with what I wanted, he left an amazing job- giving up all the benefits, he left everything he has ever known... to move to small town life- for me.
It has not been an easy adjustment for him, for either of us. But he is making the best of it until we get our life where we want it to be... because he knows this is what is saving my life.
We have had our share of ups and downs, separations, talk of divorce, all couples go thru hard times. We aren't a typical couple, behind closed doors we are much different than what our friends see... or are we? I am more in love with this man than I was the day I married him. There were times I questioned my love for him- but every day that passes, every challenge we face together, I fall more in love with the man he is and the husband he is.
I was so lucky to find him when I did. He truly is my happily ever after... no matter what we face. It will be together.