So many mind blowing, heart warming, spirit awakening moments and realizations in the past couple days!
40 years ago~ I was 8. I honestly don't remember exactly what I was doing in April at 8 years old. If it was a school night, I was sitting home watching television with my family until my 9 pm bed time. Life was simple, my world was my friends, my dog, and my family. I worried about if I would be late to school or get in an accident on my bike.
30 years ago~ I was 18. I worked full time, saving money because I was about to get married! I quit school and did night school, worked during the day at McDonald's while my soon to be was finishing high school. Life was great! Had my friends, couldn't wait to get away from my mother, had my future set! Me and my high school sweety were going to live happily ever after and drive off into the sunset!
20 years ago~ I was 28. I had a 4 year old daughter, I was separated from my third husband and I was living with an incredible woman- my daughters grandmother. I worked for my dad! I loved my life and my job, and had finally found my calling... I was going to be an accountant! I started thinking about college. working and spending every day with my hero and mentor- my dad.
10 years ago~ I was 38... I remember this week so well. I sat in a prison cell not wanting to do anything, not being social, not wanting to go to either of my 2 jobs I held. I was angry and cold, I had lost so much of who I thought I was, who I tried to be... wow, was I an ugly person! I was looking at back at who I was and what I was that landed me there, and the things I had been thru since ending up in prison. I was truly at the end of any desire to continue my existence... I was scared.
Today~ I am 48 years old! I work a part time job at 7-11, I am married to a guy who I honestly have no idea how he puts up with me sometimes, I have my incredible daughter and her fiance and her best friend living with us to make my life and my family complete. I am thankful for the little things in life and have learned to not sweat the small stuff.
I have been thru some serious life altering experiences and I am grateful for each and every one of those- good, bad, happy, sad, they all made me the person I am today. I have grown, I have learned- sometimes thru trial and error. I have found purpose and joy and most importantly love and peace.I have been given second chances by many, and I have built some incredible relationships that I value and cherish.
I look back over all my years, my decades... so much happened in the between years that led me to those places each decade. So what next?
10 years from now~ I will be 58... I see myself as a grandmother, still happily married to Troy. Probably not working any longer. But I will happy, I will be at peace with who I am and the things I have done. I will be planning the 20th annual Brandon's Ride!
My Love
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Christian or Witch
I think I made a post about this a while back, but it is again eating at me and making me think...
My religious, or spiritual, background... in my teens I started following the pagan/wiccan path. I studied religious groups, I read the bible and other books, back then it seemed to be a bunch of crap honestly! In my late 20s I started questioning things... maybe, just maybe, some of the things that christianity claims- could be true! Or maybe there is scientific explanation for a lot of the 'miracles' the bible talks about. I had a man in my life who gave me totally new perspective on some of that- he was by no means christian, but his beliefs helped me to see an entire new side of it all.
Mid 30s, I was introduced to Jesus... in a way I had never experienced. I made a complete transformation over night... I was a believer! Then after a couple years I decided maybe I was wrong. I battled with that internally... I believed the things I had been feeling and learning, but I was at the same time being drawn back to my pagan beliefs. I chose my familiar happy place~ returning to my 'old ways' of practicing rituals and worshiping the earth.
Over the past year or so, things have been leading me back to Jesus and the god most associate that word with. There have been signs, feelings, unexplainables.
So I realize this. Why can't I be both? I love nature and the earth, I believe in herbs and natural healing, there are a number of things that, as a pagan, can still carry over into a christian life!
I have heard the term Christian Witch hundreds of times! But when I read about it, it is nothing like what I would consider myself... but that is the closest term to what I feel I am, or want to be.
The other day as I was reorganizing my house and putting things back where they once were, I started moving a shelf unit from my bedroom to my office. This shelf has held my altar for years... As I moved the shelf, dusting everything as I prepared to place each piece exactly where it needs to be... I found myself struggling to do any of it. There was a force stopping me! crazy, right? I ended up putting most of those things in a box- my craft box, as I call it. I even threw away a couple items. All that remains of what was once my altar, is a couple items that I just needed to keep in place, but it is no longer an altar. I looked at it when I was done putting the whole shelf together... expecting some type of emptiness, but there wasn't. I was- and am- completely at peace with the decision I made, the change that is taking place. That day I picked up my bible and dusted it off... yes, it was quite dusty! and I opened it, as I always have in the past I open it randomly and begin to read... and as it always has before- it spoke to me exactly what I needed that day to justify, in a way, what I was doing.
I still have doubts, I still question things- because that's what I do! But I know there is more, I believe there is a reason. I will never give up the gifts I have, I will never stop believing and practicing ancient ways, but my heart has moved on, my soul feel happy and my world is feeling more complete than ever as I grow and accept thing.
I DO believe in Christ and I am happy with this... choice, realization, whatever it may be considered at this point.
God Bless~
My religious, or spiritual, background... in my teens I started following the pagan/wiccan path. I studied religious groups, I read the bible and other books, back then it seemed to be a bunch of crap honestly! In my late 20s I started questioning things... maybe, just maybe, some of the things that christianity claims- could be true! Or maybe there is scientific explanation for a lot of the 'miracles' the bible talks about. I had a man in my life who gave me totally new perspective on some of that- he was by no means christian, but his beliefs helped me to see an entire new side of it all.
Mid 30s, I was introduced to Jesus... in a way I had never experienced. I made a complete transformation over night... I was a believer! Then after a couple years I decided maybe I was wrong. I battled with that internally... I believed the things I had been feeling and learning, but I was at the same time being drawn back to my pagan beliefs. I chose my familiar happy place~ returning to my 'old ways' of practicing rituals and worshiping the earth.
Over the past year or so, things have been leading me back to Jesus and the god most associate that word with. There have been signs, feelings, unexplainables.
So I realize this. Why can't I be both? I love nature and the earth, I believe in herbs and natural healing, there are a number of things that, as a pagan, can still carry over into a christian life!
I have heard the term Christian Witch hundreds of times! But when I read about it, it is nothing like what I would consider myself... but that is the closest term to what I feel I am, or want to be.
The other day as I was reorganizing my house and putting things back where they once were, I started moving a shelf unit from my bedroom to my office. This shelf has held my altar for years... As I moved the shelf, dusting everything as I prepared to place each piece exactly where it needs to be... I found myself struggling to do any of it. There was a force stopping me! crazy, right? I ended up putting most of those things in a box- my craft box, as I call it. I even threw away a couple items. All that remains of what was once my altar, is a couple items that I just needed to keep in place, but it is no longer an altar. I looked at it when I was done putting the whole shelf together... expecting some type of emptiness, but there wasn't. I was- and am- completely at peace with the decision I made, the change that is taking place. That day I picked up my bible and dusted it off... yes, it was quite dusty! and I opened it, as I always have in the past I open it randomly and begin to read... and as it always has before- it spoke to me exactly what I needed that day to justify, in a way, what I was doing.
I still have doubts, I still question things- because that's what I do! But I know there is more, I believe there is a reason. I will never give up the gifts I have, I will never stop believing and practicing ancient ways, but my heart has moved on, my soul feel happy and my world is feeling more complete than ever as I grow and accept thing.
I DO believe in Christ and I am happy with this... choice, realization, whatever it may be considered at this point.
God Bless~
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
New Normal~
Life is getting back to normal, things have been unsettled, to say the least! But I am back to work- on my terms, I have my family and home back after the roommate ordeal finally ended. I am feeling better emotionally, mentally, and physically! The tension in the house is gone and I am loving working!
Ride organizing~ for those of you who don't know, I organize an annual motorcycle event in memory of Brandon Thomas, who was killed in Iraq in 2005. We raise money for 2 different veteran non-profit organizations. So I have been busily putting that together for this year, less than a month away and I feel I am so far behind schedule on all of it!
Wedding planning~ altho it is my daughter getting married, and doing most of the planning with her fiance, I still have some sense of responsibility and the 'need to know' factor. The wedding is about 80 days away... and coming at us fast!
My work schedule, altho very limited hours, seems to get in the way of time frames I need to get things dome on both of these! I won't give up the job, tho!
Reorganizing my house as well! Now that I have one less person in the house, I can move my office out of the kitchen and back where it belongs! A couple days of office decorating, and kitchen reorganizing- peace!
A couple things really on my mind today... I was having a fantastic morning, listening to music and cleaning. I glanced up at my curio cabinet, I have a photo of my Michelle on top. I fell apart. I miss her so much! I miss calling her to vent when I am upset, I miss her sending me stupid text messages just to make me smile when she knew I was having a bad day. I miss the times of blasting music and acting like no one was watching! I miss sitting on the deck drinking coffee and laughing at random crap. I watch her daughter on social media- an amazing young woman doing her best to continue her life, expecting a baby and doing the things young married people do. It hurts my heart to see her doing all this without her mom there to help her along. I am living my life, as is her daughter, not dwelling in the past, living in grief, but I do have those days that are just so hard.
Enough of the sad, onto my other thoughts...
I came home from work the other day and my ankles were sore- I had been on my feet for 6 hours- understandable. But when I sat down I didn't complain about it~ I smiled and thanked God for those aches! Sounds nuts, right? 15 months ago I was on a cane, I couldn't stand for 30 minutes, the aches were a constant- the severity changed. I didn't have the energy to be active for an hour, I was afraid to be away from my house... and on this day I was on my feet and very active for 6 hours! Away from home- without family. No cane, no pain pills, no tears. Those achy ankles were a blessing! And every bit of ache or tired that I experience due to this job- I am grateful for!
Yes, I am still thrilled with what life changing effects my Thrive has done for me, and I continue to love things I realize it is doing. New products, some I try- some I don't, but I feel I should at least give them a try once! The latest product they have is a collagen protien- I have big hopes for what it can do to help change my skin and nails. I have skin of a person 15 years older than me, I would like to look as young as I feel!
So I guess my new normal is a life with my home and family stress free and everything in its right place (mostly... I'm far from OCD!), a life without my best friend- altho I believe she is here checking in and making noise! And a life with the kind of aches everyone gets from living a normal day to day life!
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