Yesterdays post has been removed out of respect for someone I care about very much. The heartache and stress of the backlash she is receiving because of my words, just isn't worth it! Just let me say the pain and word cannot be taken back, the damage has been done.
In the future, I would appreciate anyone who has issues with MY words and MY opinions, to please take that up with me personally, not attacking someone else.
My Love
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Regret
I don't really have any regrets, every choice I've made, everything I have done, or not done, has made me the person I am today- put me right where I am. And yes, I am happy where I am in my life for the most part.
But we all have those times that we think back to that one time in our lives, that what if moment, asking ourselves if it was the right choice, if it was worth it... where would I be if...?
I was at a place in life a few years back that I had to make a major decision- it came down to what was best for me, my daughter (both of them), and my future. I know I made the 'right' choice, if there is a right or wrong- which I honestly don't believe there is! I gave up a large part of who I was, things that truly defined me- I sacrificed who I was to become who I knew I needed to be, not realizing the impact that would have on my future, on my emotions, my self worth, and my purpose. These feeling hit me every few months, something comes up in conversation, or I see someone from that part of my life... and I remember what I was like and what my life was like, and I have to wonder... "if I had taken the path that went forward instead of taking the exit I did, where would I be?"
It isn't regret, it is curiosity. I love my life today! The past few month have given me new purpose and a new definition of my life almost. When someone asks "who is Red?" People answer with things I am proud of~ she's Troys wife, she's that biker girl who supports the fallen, she is my Thrive rep! I love these as the things that define me!
Maybe one day I can incorporate these things that I am now so passionate about, with the things I was once passionate about but chose to walk away from... Yes, I miss parts of the old me, things I thought I could simply walk away from but have remained in my heart.
You can change your future, but you cannot change the past, your past does not define who you are today, but you can never completely put your past behind you, especially if you were passionate about those things.
This week has been tough in this aspect for me, obviously- or I wouldn't be blogging it, right? Looking at vacation spots for Troy and I when we are rich, seeing someone "I used to know" while out with my hunny, end of June... the time of year the former me looked forward to.
Don't ever regret your choices, look back and believe you made the decision you did because it was what was meant to be.
But we all have those times that we think back to that one time in our lives, that what if moment, asking ourselves if it was the right choice, if it was worth it... where would I be if...?
I was at a place in life a few years back that I had to make a major decision- it came down to what was best for me, my daughter (both of them), and my future. I know I made the 'right' choice, if there is a right or wrong- which I honestly don't believe there is! I gave up a large part of who I was, things that truly defined me- I sacrificed who I was to become who I knew I needed to be, not realizing the impact that would have on my future, on my emotions, my self worth, and my purpose. These feeling hit me every few months, something comes up in conversation, or I see someone from that part of my life... and I remember what I was like and what my life was like, and I have to wonder... "if I had taken the path that went forward instead of taking the exit I did, where would I be?"
It isn't regret, it is curiosity. I love my life today! The past few month have given me new purpose and a new definition of my life almost. When someone asks "who is Red?" People answer with things I am proud of~ she's Troys wife, she's that biker girl who supports the fallen, she is my Thrive rep! I love these as the things that define me!
Maybe one day I can incorporate these things that I am now so passionate about, with the things I was once passionate about but chose to walk away from... Yes, I miss parts of the old me, things I thought I could simply walk away from but have remained in my heart.
You can change your future, but you cannot change the past, your past does not define who you are today, but you can never completely put your past behind you, especially if you were passionate about those things.
This week has been tough in this aspect for me, obviously- or I wouldn't be blogging it, right? Looking at vacation spots for Troy and I when we are rich, seeing someone "I used to know" while out with my hunny, end of June... the time of year the former me looked forward to.
Don't ever regret your choices, look back and believe you made the decision you did because it was what was meant to be.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Anxiety... it is real
I grew up being taught that if you couldn't see an illness, it didn't exist. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders... those are all just people making excuses! So as I got older, that was, for the most part, my mind set... but I slowly began to see the truth.
Then, I realized- I had been living some of these "excuses" but hiding them from my family, because they said it wasn't real.
Years went by, I went thru various levels of depression, but always managed it, often in denial that I suffered from it- again, because I was always told it wasn't real. Various degrees of anxiety as well, but never understood what that feeling I was experiencing was! Why did I start having trouble breathing, freeze up, become unable to talk, have fear when it didn't make sense to have that feeling? It took me years to realize that was anxiety, panic attacks. Eventually my anxiety got to a debilitating point. I couldn't drive without anxiety, I couldn't go anywhere alone, not even for a walk. Then it got so bad that I stopped doing the things I loved, the things that made me happy. I was put on medication, it helped a little, but I was still a wreck!
After a few years, the last two were the absolute worst, I started the Thrive experience, and, to make a long story of that short, I was able to cut my anxiety meds out of my medication schedule. I feel great! Panic attacks have, for the most part, stopped! I started going for walks by myself, I am back to doing the things I love, the things that make me happy!
I still have the occasional panic attack... and people tell me it's no big deal, get over it, everything is fine. Really? I wish it worked like that!
When I do have these attacks, most of the time it is caused by something I see or hear... something "real." Like when I saw my ex-husband at the grocery store, or when I hear a song that triggers a memory.
Then out of nowhere on Sunday I have the worst anxiety attack I can remember. No explanation I can come up with! I was having an amazing morning with friends and motorcycles. As we left the starting point, I was ok, then going up the canyon I started to get an uneasy feeling. What was going on? Why was this happening? We turned... I went into full panic mode- crying, hyperventilating, shaking but frozen. It wouldn't stop. I could catch my breath for a couple minutes, then fall apart again... Then it all made sense.
In my head I knew where we were going, but I wasn't thinking about the destination, I was thinking about the ride, the friends, the scenery! My subconscious did this to me, I literally had zero control of this incident.
Once I had it figured out, and got beyond the really hard moments- with the support of a couple friends, I was angry! Angry with myself. How stupid is that to allow some stupid miserable idea take control of me like that? But I realized finally, how real anxiety truly is, and that no matter what I put in my head to feel better about a situation- my mind works alone!
Anxiety is more real to me today than it ever has been before. I recognize the how and the why, I see- and feel- the what. For those of you who suffer this, or any other unseen condition... don't let anyone tell you it isn't real. Explain to those who care about you how they can help you and be supportive. If I had been told when I was young, when I first experienced some of these thing- what it was, and that I could get help... my life would have turned out so much different, I do believe that.
Parents, don't ignore your kids cries for help, teach them it is ok to feel and fear.
Anxiety is real.
Then, I realized- I had been living some of these "excuses" but hiding them from my family, because they said it wasn't real.
Years went by, I went thru various levels of depression, but always managed it, often in denial that I suffered from it- again, because I was always told it wasn't real. Various degrees of anxiety as well, but never understood what that feeling I was experiencing was! Why did I start having trouble breathing, freeze up, become unable to talk, have fear when it didn't make sense to have that feeling? It took me years to realize that was anxiety, panic attacks. Eventually my anxiety got to a debilitating point. I couldn't drive without anxiety, I couldn't go anywhere alone, not even for a walk. Then it got so bad that I stopped doing the things I loved, the things that made me happy. I was put on medication, it helped a little, but I was still a wreck!
After a few years, the last two were the absolute worst, I started the Thrive experience, and, to make a long story of that short, I was able to cut my anxiety meds out of my medication schedule. I feel great! Panic attacks have, for the most part, stopped! I started going for walks by myself, I am back to doing the things I love, the things that make me happy!
I still have the occasional panic attack... and people tell me it's no big deal, get over it, everything is fine. Really? I wish it worked like that!
When I do have these attacks, most of the time it is caused by something I see or hear... something "real." Like when I saw my ex-husband at the grocery store, or when I hear a song that triggers a memory.
Then out of nowhere on Sunday I have the worst anxiety attack I can remember. No explanation I can come up with! I was having an amazing morning with friends and motorcycles. As we left the starting point, I was ok, then going up the canyon I started to get an uneasy feeling. What was going on? Why was this happening? We turned... I went into full panic mode- crying, hyperventilating, shaking but frozen. It wouldn't stop. I could catch my breath for a couple minutes, then fall apart again... Then it all made sense.
In my head I knew where we were going, but I wasn't thinking about the destination, I was thinking about the ride, the friends, the scenery! My subconscious did this to me, I literally had zero control of this incident.
Once I had it figured out, and got beyond the really hard moments- with the support of a couple friends, I was angry! Angry with myself. How stupid is that to allow some stupid miserable idea take control of me like that? But I realized finally, how real anxiety truly is, and that no matter what I put in my head to feel better about a situation- my mind works alone!
Anxiety is more real to me today than it ever has been before. I recognize the how and the why, I see- and feel- the what. For those of you who suffer this, or any other unseen condition... don't let anyone tell you it isn't real. Explain to those who care about you how they can help you and be supportive. If I had been told when I was young, when I first experienced some of these thing- what it was, and that I could get help... my life would have turned out so much different, I do believe that.
Parents, don't ignore your kids cries for help, teach them it is ok to feel and fear.
Anxiety is real.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)