I have seriously slacked on my writing and sharing! My vacation is only half typed up and saved- that was in June! Life gets in the way, and I have had so many challenges and trials that I need to remember I can express here- but instead I bury them and find unhealthy outlets.
I am again, in a dark place in my life... I have so much positive in my life and so much motivation to be going forward with a lot of things... but the depression cannot be avoided, and when one thing comes to light that can change my entire perspective of things- I crash. I am not the strong person most people see, I have a really good mask to hide most of it- my priority is always being strong for others and not letting my pain show. No matter the situation. Just my personality. Meanwhile I sit at home hurting, crying, heartbroken- out of sight, and not telling anyone.
Last week, for example, my daughters grandfather passed away. Truth? It about killed me, I am hurting! I haven't been a part of that family in over 25 years, so why would I have any emotions over it? Right? No, he was a dad, treated me as family all these years. Just an example.
My depression is worse than even my husband realizes. And I don't know how to fix it, I don't have any support from anyone when it comes to my depression... maybe I do, I just haven't put it out there and asked for help. But the people I would want support from- push me away. The people I love most, don't get it or don't want to deal with it, some don't even realize how much they matter to me.
My oldest dog- Roxy, had surgery last week, tough on me- she is my life. She is doing really well tho.
We got a puppy... Zoee, she will be a small dog forever. I think part of the reason I wanted another dog was to give me another reason to live. Really, my dogs give me a reason to hold on. I know, you are thinking I am an idiot because my husband and my daughter should be my reasons... not really. Yes, I love them, but they would be ok without me, they would understand where I went... my dogs can't understand if I just disappear one day, they can't take care of themselves, either.
I am fighting again with my daughter, it seems to be a regular thing. She is just as stubborn as I was when I was young. I am terrified I am going to lose her for good, that might be what pushes me over the edge- who knows. I do know that I hate her life choices- yes, I said I hate... she is smarter than this, and deserves better.
My best friend is moving here in a couple weeks- I hope it helps me. He is one person I can open up to a little about stuff. Not that he will have a bunch of spare time for me once he is here, but an occasional meetup for coffee, bbq with he and his wife, stuff like that... and just knowing he is closer if I really need him. He really does know me better than my husband does... how pathetic is that? I really need to do something about that, too... truth- I hate how my marriage is! I love my husband so much but we really have a crappy relationship.
anyway- that's where I am today- suicidal thoughts are often there, but I don't think I would ever follow thru, at least not now. I cry- daily, and when things are bad with my daughter the tears just go non stop.
My Love
Monday, September 16, 2019
Friday, June 21, 2019
Memories
A lot of memories have come up today, much of my past. In conversations with my best friend about some things- other things popped into my head... things I don't like to remember, things I had forgotten, things that made me smile and things that made me wonder what if.
As I have always said- I have no regrets, every choice i ever made in life brought me to where I am today and where I am meant to be. People always talk about their past and say 'that was so stupid of me,' or 'I wish I had done different.' No! All those what ifs... mean nothing. If I had not married my abusive husband- I never would have divorced him... which is what led me to some of the people who have become long time friends. If I hadn't accepted that one job that everyone told me not to take- I never would have met my daughters father- and she wouldn't exist! So how can a person say it was stupid or you should have lived differently? I quit college- who knows where I would be if I had continued! Probably financially better off, but stuck living in the city with some boring husband and a 'typical' life. That is so not me!
I have had so many experiences in my life it really is hard to remember everything. Drug use and alcohol abuse during depression probably had a huge effect on why I struggle to remember a lot! But even that- it's part of who I am today.
People always tell me they don't me, they won't judge my past... I still hesitate. I see those same people putting others down for a lifestyle or a choice that I once had... would they still not judge me if they know? My life and my story are an open book to anyone who asks, I have very few I trust to truly open up to, people who have proven they won't just who I was, what I've done, and really don't care why.
I've done a lot of things that most wouldn't understand- not only my why, but even what! All I can say is I lived! I am not sitting here asking myself 'I wonder what that would be like?' Because every time I have asked that- I do it!
I do, however, tend to overthink things, and think about those things from the past... not ask what if or say I shouldn't have... but I analyze myself and ask WHY. Does it even matter at this point? Not really. Something for me to work on.
I really don't know where I am going with this, but I do have one bit of advice to anyone reading... NEVER pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you feel. You could miss your happily ever after. Communication is not only key to a successful marriage or working relationship- it is key to a positive, successful life!
As I have always said- I have no regrets, every choice i ever made in life brought me to where I am today and where I am meant to be. People always talk about their past and say 'that was so stupid of me,' or 'I wish I had done different.' No! All those what ifs... mean nothing. If I had not married my abusive husband- I never would have divorced him... which is what led me to some of the people who have become long time friends. If I hadn't accepted that one job that everyone told me not to take- I never would have met my daughters father- and she wouldn't exist! So how can a person say it was stupid or you should have lived differently? I quit college- who knows where I would be if I had continued! Probably financially better off, but stuck living in the city with some boring husband and a 'typical' life. That is so not me!
I have had so many experiences in my life it really is hard to remember everything. Drug use and alcohol abuse during depression probably had a huge effect on why I struggle to remember a lot! But even that- it's part of who I am today.
People always tell me they don't me, they won't judge my past... I still hesitate. I see those same people putting others down for a lifestyle or a choice that I once had... would they still not judge me if they know? My life and my story are an open book to anyone who asks, I have very few I trust to truly open up to, people who have proven they won't just who I was, what I've done, and really don't care why.
I've done a lot of things that most wouldn't understand- not only my why, but even what! All I can say is I lived! I am not sitting here asking myself 'I wonder what that would be like?' Because every time I have asked that- I do it!
I do, however, tend to overthink things, and think about those things from the past... not ask what if or say I shouldn't have... but I analyze myself and ask WHY. Does it even matter at this point? Not really. Something for me to work on.
I really don't know where I am going with this, but I do have one bit of advice to anyone reading... NEVER pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you feel. You could miss your happily ever after. Communication is not only key to a successful marriage or working relationship- it is key to a positive, successful life!
Thursday, March 14, 2019
1/4 down... 3 to go
Not gonna lie, this year so far has been rough! Financially not so bad- financial planning- yeah. But I'm talking about my health, my physical well being, as well as my mental and emotional health. I have had more days than I want to admit that I have not wanted to get out of bed! But I do! Every single day- no matter how intense the pain, or how debilitating the depression, I get out of bed every day. Some days it has taken my cane and the walls to help me get around, some days it takes me an hour to get to an upright position- but I do it! I cannot and will not allow my body or my mind to defeat me, or define me.
I have fought a few struggles, but I know that if I believe in myself and in my dreams, that everything will be ok in the long run. Nobody said life was easy, nobody said the things we have done this past year would be a walk in the park. We have to take chances and step out of our comfort zone if we want to get anywhere in life, if we want to see our dreams happen. And if that means eating ramen a few times, and fighting with your spouse more than normal, crying yourself to sleep a few more times because you feel worthless. If it means pushing thru the physical pain because you know it comes and goes in waves, and taking that pain pill once in a while that you hate to take- just to get a good nights sleep... we have to sacrifice to get what we want.
We closed on our home this first part of the year! We never thought we could become home owners. We are taking a trip this summer! Something we just have not had the means to do for years. Little things are happening for me that are reminding me of why we moved. I have faith that when the warmer weather gets here- much of my physical pain will decrease.
The rest of this year will be positive, as much as I can make it! Yes, I suffer depression- so much worse than I let anyone, even my husband, know. I hide in my house, away from people, away from where I can be seen or heard, I cry when I'm alone and do my best to put on a happy face when I have to. Luckily this isn't ongoing- it comes and goes. My depression scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go to a doctor and ask for meds- I don't want doctors to think I want some happy pills! And, I just hate meds in general. I don't want my husband to get tired of my problems and leave me. I have had suicidal thoughts- too often... that is terrifying as well- I don't want to die!
Anyway... one day at a time, one month at a time... one fourth of this year is gone!
I have fought a few struggles, but I know that if I believe in myself and in my dreams, that everything will be ok in the long run. Nobody said life was easy, nobody said the things we have done this past year would be a walk in the park. We have to take chances and step out of our comfort zone if we want to get anywhere in life, if we want to see our dreams happen. And if that means eating ramen a few times, and fighting with your spouse more than normal, crying yourself to sleep a few more times because you feel worthless. If it means pushing thru the physical pain because you know it comes and goes in waves, and taking that pain pill once in a while that you hate to take- just to get a good nights sleep... we have to sacrifice to get what we want.
We closed on our home this first part of the year! We never thought we could become home owners. We are taking a trip this summer! Something we just have not had the means to do for years. Little things are happening for me that are reminding me of why we moved. I have faith that when the warmer weather gets here- much of my physical pain will decrease.
The rest of this year will be positive, as much as I can make it! Yes, I suffer depression- so much worse than I let anyone, even my husband, know. I hide in my house, away from people, away from where I can be seen or heard, I cry when I'm alone and do my best to put on a happy face when I have to. Luckily this isn't ongoing- it comes and goes. My depression scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go to a doctor and ask for meds- I don't want doctors to think I want some happy pills! And, I just hate meds in general. I don't want my husband to get tired of my problems and leave me. I have had suicidal thoughts- too often... that is terrifying as well- I don't want to die!
Anyway... one day at a time, one month at a time... one fourth of this year is gone!
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
The American Dream
February 5th, 2019... We officially became home owners!
Growing up you think you have your entire life planned out... college, marriage, start a career and family, and buy a home in your mid to late 20s. And, if the career works out the way you want- you will be in that same home, your kids will attend the same schools and have the same friends thru their entire youth. You will pay off that home well before retirement... and live happily ever after.
WOW! Wouldn't it be amazing if life was really like that? Surprise- it isn't!
Troy and I both grew up in this type of life. Our parents had it all figured out. And we are grateful for that! But us- not so much.
I can't speak for Troy, but he was single, didn't go to college, worked and paid rent for years. As for me- I made some crazy choices, tried college- but that wasn't for me. Even tried the family thing, but apparently that wasn't for me either. Then as a single mom I figured I would never own a home unless some zillionaire fell in love with a messed up single mom! My last husband and I were actually in the process of buying when my world crumbled with that one and tore my family apart. So again- never thought I'd own a home.
Then Troy and I came together. After about a year I was at the top of my world financially, we were doing really well and started thinking maybe after a couple years of cleaning up our credit we could do it... then the loss of job, health issues, trying to help other people... it all takes a toll on your finances, your motivation, your credit. But in my mind I still had the determination to one day be making house payments rather than paying rent! We got into a rent to own type deal that fell thru after 3 years, that was a bummer but actually a blessing. I did love that house... but I hated the city.
When we came here to visit and saw how inexpensive homes were- I knew we could do it!
It wasn't as easy as hoped- we are first time home buyers and had no clue what we were doing! Thank goodness for the amazing seller, she was incredible in helping us thru every step of this emotional rollercoaster! We moved into this house early June 2018- our original goal for closing was Troys 50th birthday (in October), then our anniversary (just before Christmas), then by the end of 2018... road block after road block, I was ready to give up so many times! But we are finally here- we have achieved the american dream!
Welcome to the McCann Mansion in Spring Glen, UT! Our door is always open to visitors! This is our home!
Growing up you think you have your entire life planned out... college, marriage, start a career and family, and buy a home in your mid to late 20s. And, if the career works out the way you want- you will be in that same home, your kids will attend the same schools and have the same friends thru their entire youth. You will pay off that home well before retirement... and live happily ever after.
WOW! Wouldn't it be amazing if life was really like that? Surprise- it isn't!
Troy and I both grew up in this type of life. Our parents had it all figured out. And we are grateful for that! But us- not so much.
I can't speak for Troy, but he was single, didn't go to college, worked and paid rent for years. As for me- I made some crazy choices, tried college- but that wasn't for me. Even tried the family thing, but apparently that wasn't for me either. Then as a single mom I figured I would never own a home unless some zillionaire fell in love with a messed up single mom! My last husband and I were actually in the process of buying when my world crumbled with that one and tore my family apart. So again- never thought I'd own a home.
Then Troy and I came together. After about a year I was at the top of my world financially, we were doing really well and started thinking maybe after a couple years of cleaning up our credit we could do it... then the loss of job, health issues, trying to help other people... it all takes a toll on your finances, your motivation, your credit. But in my mind I still had the determination to one day be making house payments rather than paying rent! We got into a rent to own type deal that fell thru after 3 years, that was a bummer but actually a blessing. I did love that house... but I hated the city.
When we came here to visit and saw how inexpensive homes were- I knew we could do it!
It wasn't as easy as hoped- we are first time home buyers and had no clue what we were doing! Thank goodness for the amazing seller, she was incredible in helping us thru every step of this emotional rollercoaster! We moved into this house early June 2018- our original goal for closing was Troys 50th birthday (in October), then our anniversary (just before Christmas), then by the end of 2018... road block after road block, I was ready to give up so many times! But we are finally here- we have achieved the american dream!
Welcome to the McCann Mansion in Spring Glen, UT! Our door is always open to visitors! This is our home!
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