Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and sometimes it gives us an entire shut out. But somehow we always find a way to hit that ball out of the park, right?
This week has been full of curve balls! I have felt so completely defeated. But it isn't because of anything I did wrong- I have to remember this! I have done everything right, everything I could to the best of my ability to make things fall into place as they should... but those curve balls come out of random places that I have no control over.
We hit a detour with the house- not a road block! We had expected to close this week, but something that we knew was going to hold us back, but had gotten swept under the rug by the mortgage lady- came back to bite us... we have to wait until December. My dream of being home owners before my husband turns 50 went out the window this week, but we will be home owners before 2018 is over. I am forced to find the positive in all of it, and really- there are positives in waiting!
This entire parenting thing SUCKS! In my childs eyes I am sure I am the worst mother ever, and at this point I just don't care anymore. I have done everything I can, destroyed my own emotional and mental health trying to be the mom she wants me to be... but I honestly don't think she even knows what she wants from me. She wants support- I support her- I get attacked for treating her like a child. I can't win... I'm just done playing. The last 2 years have completely killed my heart and soul, I have nothing left to give her. She isn't a person I recognize, she isn't a person who cares about anything or anyone that matters. I lost her to a darkness that I won't- can't- allow myself to be involved with any longer. All I can do is hope and wait... for the day her wakes up from the nightmare we see.
A lot of changes in my life in recent months, a lot more to come- I'm sure. I've started with a second direct sales company, I am looking to get a part time job. My husband is still adjusting to small town life and we are both searching for that place to fit in here. It doesn't happen over night- but I know in a couple years everything will be so perfect for us here! Right now it's rough, depression in us both- but we are supporting each other and lifting each other up... getting thru it together.
Tears have been flowing off and on all week, but I am getting thru it all. One day I can say the stress was worth it when we sign for this home. One day my daughter will love me again and just maybe see that her happiness is all that has mattered to me- ever.
My Love
Friday, September 28, 2018
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Was t Worth It
Three and a half years- you were out of prison and out of trouble for three and a half years. You had finally left my head- the fears and anxiety of bumping into you- didn't even enter my head anymore, the stress of my daughter seeing you at the mall- always there to some degree- but very much faded. You, your face, your existence- barely a thought. My daughter- forever traumatized by you- no longer living in the county you are in, me- moving hours away, and the child we had together- wouldn't know you if she were standing next to you... peace of mind was finally found, your existence almost forgotten.
Then out of the blue... a phone call... "you are receiving this call because you are registered with VINE to receive notifications of any status change in an offender named...."
The next 24 hours was filled with stress. Did he hurt someone else? Did he run? Is he going back to prison? Off parole?
Within hours I was able to find that a warrant had been issued- not by the city or county, by the Board of Pardons. Parole violation. OMG, he did it to someone else, is what went thru my head. My heart hurt as I laid in bed sleepless that night. First thing yesterday morning I was able to get more information- I spoke to the board, I spoke to his parole officer... no, no one else has been hurt. You violated your parole by committing a totally different crime. What were you thinking? A crime that will get you sent to another state to stand trial and serve time- as much time as you served here your first time around. I shouldn't care, and really- I don't! But I cannot wrap my head around the thought process. I hear of people all the time re-offending shortly after release because they have become institutionalized and cannot live without that structure... but you had over three years of staying out of trouble!
24 hours after that phone call, I got confirmation that you were in custody and behind the gates of the Utah State Prison again. Your family- clueless, your victims- elated... and breathing a sigh of relief. Relief because we no longer have to worry about bumping into you at the mall or standing next to you at a bus stop, relief that my youngest child can go to school with her parents not fearing an abduction or any kind of contact.
As I laid my head down on my feather pillow, stretched my legs in my queen sized bed, felt the a/c blowing over me... I did think about you- I thought about that flat pillow that has been slept on by dozens of others, that 3 inch thick mat that is barely as tall as you are, in an 8x8ft cinder block room. Was it worth it? When I stepped outside at 1am for some fresh air and to see the stars- I thought about you... locked in that cinder block room 23 hours a day. Was it worth it? When I woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee and stepped outside for a cigarette- I thought about you being given food with no choice of what you eat or drink. Was it worth it? As I drove to the post office this morning- I thought about you... you can write a letter- but to who? You can make a phone call- when they tell you you are allowed... and if anyone will accept charges for it. Was it worth it? I'm sitting here on my computer- able to search any website, email anyone, with my phone at my side able to call anyone anytime... thinking of you... no internet, no computer- just paper and pencil. Was it worth it?
You went to prison for 9 years because you "thought you could get away with it." Yes, that statement is burned into my head forever. Was that worth it? Your family, your friends, your reputation, your life- forever changed. Was that worth it? It must have been, because I cannot comprehend how you would do something to put you back in that same position.
I was so close to making arrangements to come face to face with you, to confront my demons of that chapter of my life... to look you in the eye and say the things I need to say to you, ask the things I need to ask. That option is gone... out the window the minute you were taken into custody. I cannot visit you in prison, the protective order won't allow that. So I will again stare you down will flames in my eyes as you enter the room for your hearing- as I have each time. And after that, I will close the door on that chapter again, hopefully for good this time.
Remember the card reader? Remember what she said? This would be your only chance... she was right... and look at what you did to that chance, look at what you did to destroy what you created... look at where you are now...
Was It Worth It?
Then out of the blue... a phone call... "you are receiving this call because you are registered with VINE to receive notifications of any status change in an offender named...."
The next 24 hours was filled with stress. Did he hurt someone else? Did he run? Is he going back to prison? Off parole?
Within hours I was able to find that a warrant had been issued- not by the city or county, by the Board of Pardons. Parole violation. OMG, he did it to someone else, is what went thru my head. My heart hurt as I laid in bed sleepless that night. First thing yesterday morning I was able to get more information- I spoke to the board, I spoke to his parole officer... no, no one else has been hurt. You violated your parole by committing a totally different crime. What were you thinking? A crime that will get you sent to another state to stand trial and serve time- as much time as you served here your first time around. I shouldn't care, and really- I don't! But I cannot wrap my head around the thought process. I hear of people all the time re-offending shortly after release because they have become institutionalized and cannot live without that structure... but you had over three years of staying out of trouble!
24 hours after that phone call, I got confirmation that you were in custody and behind the gates of the Utah State Prison again. Your family- clueless, your victims- elated... and breathing a sigh of relief. Relief because we no longer have to worry about bumping into you at the mall or standing next to you at a bus stop, relief that my youngest child can go to school with her parents not fearing an abduction or any kind of contact.
As I laid my head down on my feather pillow, stretched my legs in my queen sized bed, felt the a/c blowing over me... I did think about you- I thought about that flat pillow that has been slept on by dozens of others, that 3 inch thick mat that is barely as tall as you are, in an 8x8ft cinder block room. Was it worth it? When I stepped outside at 1am for some fresh air and to see the stars- I thought about you... locked in that cinder block room 23 hours a day. Was it worth it? When I woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee and stepped outside for a cigarette- I thought about you being given food with no choice of what you eat or drink. Was it worth it? As I drove to the post office this morning- I thought about you... you can write a letter- but to who? You can make a phone call- when they tell you you are allowed... and if anyone will accept charges for it. Was it worth it? I'm sitting here on my computer- able to search any website, email anyone, with my phone at my side able to call anyone anytime... thinking of you... no internet, no computer- just paper and pencil. Was it worth it?
You went to prison for 9 years because you "thought you could get away with it." Yes, that statement is burned into my head forever. Was that worth it? Your family, your friends, your reputation, your life- forever changed. Was that worth it? It must have been, because I cannot comprehend how you would do something to put you back in that same position.
I was so close to making arrangements to come face to face with you, to confront my demons of that chapter of my life... to look you in the eye and say the things I need to say to you, ask the things I need to ask. That option is gone... out the window the minute you were taken into custody. I cannot visit you in prison, the protective order won't allow that. So I will again stare you down will flames in my eyes as you enter the room for your hearing- as I have each time. And after that, I will close the door on that chapter again, hopefully for good this time.
Remember the card reader? Remember what she said? This would be your only chance... she was right... and look at what you did to that chance, look at what you did to destroy what you created... look at where you are now...
Was It Worth It?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)