We all have goals and dreams, some want to drive a nice car, some want to live in New York City, some want to be able to live life on their terms... and we all have our own reasons for these things.
A lot of people don't understand my dreams, there are times that even I don't quite get why I want the things I do!
I want to live in a small town. I want to be financially stable- not rich, just to be able to stay out of debt and know that if an emergency comes up, it can be covered. I want to be able to give my grandkids the things I was never able to give my daughter as a parent. I want to cut my friends down to those who truly care, who are not filled with negativity. I want to help people, and I want my family to be happy. I want to work again, and drive again... and I want my husband to work less.
Doesn't seem like too much to ask, right? Then why does it seem so hard!?
Some of my goals and dreams need work from both my husband and I, we need to support each other in our goals. But some are things I need to work on by myself. Those seem to be the hard ones. Where I have to dig deep inside and decide how to do things without hurting people, how to succeed at one thing without failing myself in another way.
I also have to take into consideration my husbands goals. What if he wants to live in New York City? He doesn't, I'm just using that as an example. But what if your dreams are totally opposite your spouses? What do you do? What if he won't support you in reaching your goals? What if you think his goals are stupid?
Sacrifice. You married this person, you love this person. You both have to make sacrifices until you can come to an agreement on life goals. If he wants to retire to Alaska, and you want to retire to Hawaii... then compromise, find a place you both like that can offer you both something. Never force your partner to give up on their dreams... chances are, he will give up on you before giving up the dream. Support is huge!
For me, I am done with the city, I am done with all the people. I know my husband still needs to work and I know that I can't move away from my daughter yet, she still needs me for now. So I am being patient but working on the things I need to do to be able to make that escape from the city happen when we are ready... if it ever happens. Like I said, we don't always have the same dreams as our partners and I have no idea if mine is really willing to change to that kind of life. But, compromise can happen.
I will never stop living for my goals... whether it is owning an acre in a town of less than 1000 people, or losing 10 pounds... any goal I set- I will achieve. What do we live for if we don't have something to look forward to tomorrow?
My Love
Monday, September 28, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Soul Searching
I was not raised in a religious home. My dad was raised Southern Baptist, my mother- Lutheran... I have a memory of being sent to some random church as a child, but my parents didn't go with us. We protested and never had to go again. that was it. The only time there was ever a prayer in my house was at the holidays if there was family visiting.
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Relationships
Relationships, as most people know, are not fairy tales! Happily ever after doesn't really exist... if you are lucky enough to find that- it actually takes a lot of work! Any relationship takes a lot of work! As some of you know, my marriage has been kind of rocky, almost to the point of giving up. But we love each other more than anything, and we are determined to make it work and make each other happy.
Pick your battles... is it really the end of the world if she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it worth walking away because he drinks milk out of the carton?
Sacrifice is mandatory! You love this person the way he is, don't try to turn him into that guy with the six pack abs. Don't tell her she can't hang out with that one friend you don't like.
Trust? Do you love him? Or a better question- do you believe he loves you? Then why in the world would there be a reason not to trust him?
Quality time is vital! Not with the family, not with friends, and not with the TV! Remember date night? That shouldn't end just because you are married! This past weekend we went away, just the two of us. We stayed at a place that had no televisions and no cell phone service! It was an amazing weekend!
Don't forget the little things! A card, a nice dinner, a surprise of any kind! Open her car door, put a love note in his lunch. Romance needs to remain in a relationship if you want to avoid the rut that most of us fall into.
Remember to always communicate! If you have a concern, talk about it! If you broke her favorite vase- tell her, if you overspent at the mall- tell him!
That brings me to finances... money is the biggest issue in relationships! It needs to be talked about! Expenses, budgets, splurges, don't hide money and don't try to pretend there is more money than there is. Communicate and budget!
I sadly admit that I have been married 5 times, none of the first 4 lasted more than 2 years... I refuse to give up this time, I love my husband and he loves me and what we have is worth fighting to keep... no matter how hard it gets- don't walk away if you truly love someone!
I watch as my daughter is falling more and more in love, and planning for a wedding. They are learning some of the struggles already, but they are so in love and I know they will do whatever it takes to have their happily ever after. It is refreshing to see young new love. it's a reminder of how things should be!
I see friends struggling in relationships- it seems there is usually one partner who keeps screwing up and one partner who is incredibly strong, supportive, and devoted... be that devoted person! Look at your loved one and remind yourself why you fell in love, think back to what your dreams were- and make them happen now! life is too short to let the best thing in your life slip away!
Pick your battles... is it really the end of the world if she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it worth walking away because he drinks milk out of the carton?
Sacrifice is mandatory! You love this person the way he is, don't try to turn him into that guy with the six pack abs. Don't tell her she can't hang out with that one friend you don't like.
Trust? Do you love him? Or a better question- do you believe he loves you? Then why in the world would there be a reason not to trust him?
Quality time is vital! Not with the family, not with friends, and not with the TV! Remember date night? That shouldn't end just because you are married! This past weekend we went away, just the two of us. We stayed at a place that had no televisions and no cell phone service! It was an amazing weekend!
Don't forget the little things! A card, a nice dinner, a surprise of any kind! Open her car door, put a love note in his lunch. Romance needs to remain in a relationship if you want to avoid the rut that most of us fall into.
Remember to always communicate! If you have a concern, talk about it! If you broke her favorite vase- tell her, if you overspent at the mall- tell him!
That brings me to finances... money is the biggest issue in relationships! It needs to be talked about! Expenses, budgets, splurges, don't hide money and don't try to pretend there is more money than there is. Communicate and budget!
I sadly admit that I have been married 5 times, none of the first 4 lasted more than 2 years... I refuse to give up this time, I love my husband and he loves me and what we have is worth fighting to keep... no matter how hard it gets- don't walk away if you truly love someone!
I watch as my daughter is falling more and more in love, and planning for a wedding. They are learning some of the struggles already, but they are so in love and I know they will do whatever it takes to have their happily ever after. It is refreshing to see young new love. it's a reminder of how things should be!
I see friends struggling in relationships- it seems there is usually one partner who keeps screwing up and one partner who is incredibly strong, supportive, and devoted... be that devoted person! Look at your loved one and remind yourself why you fell in love, think back to what your dreams were- and make them happen now! life is too short to let the best thing in your life slip away!
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Life Worth Living
Do you have a passion? A cause you strongly support? I do, actually there are a few... but the majority of them revolve around one thing. Military. Fallen, wounded, serving, vets... If I can show support, or help one person, I'm there!
There is a group of bikers who are all combat veterans, and this past weekend they put on an event called Ride to Zero. This was in support of PTSD Suicide Awareness. To help with research and to let these vets who are suffering know that there are people who care! The turn out and support of this event blew away their hopes and expectations! They had over 300 registered riders, raised way more money than they ever dreamed! And this was the first year of this event... the first event this group had ever organized! It was a very emotional event, to see all the support was so touching!
After losing a dear friend to PTSD suicide, before it was really acknowledged as a medical condition, and getting to know a few families who have lost their heroes to this, I am a big supporter of finding better ways to support and treat these people!
There is a group of bikers who are all combat veterans, and this past weekend they put on an event called Ride to Zero. This was in support of PTSD Suicide Awareness. To help with research and to let these vets who are suffering know that there are people who care! The turn out and support of this event blew away their hopes and expectations! They had over 300 registered riders, raised way more money than they ever dreamed! And this was the first year of this event... the first event this group had ever organized! It was a very emotional event, to see all the support was so touching!
After losing a dear friend to PTSD suicide, before it was really acknowledged as a medical condition, and getting to know a few families who have lost their heroes to this, I am a big supporter of finding better ways to support and treat these people!
This was a day I will not soon forget, it is also an event I plan to participate in every year! And hopefully be able to be a volunteer in future years.
If you know someone suffering with PTSD, if you are concerned for their well being... please reach out to them and let them know you care! Contact someone who can help them! Just knowing they cave friends who care and love them and that life truly is worth living- is a huge help!
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