I have seriously slacked on my writing and sharing! My vacation is only half typed up and saved- that was in June! Life gets in the way, and I have had so many challenges and trials that I need to remember I can express here- but instead I bury them and find unhealthy outlets.
I am again, in a dark place in my life... I have so much positive in my life and so much motivation to be going forward with a lot of things... but the depression cannot be avoided, and when one thing comes to light that can change my entire perspective of things- I crash. I am not the strong person most people see, I have a really good mask to hide most of it- my priority is always being strong for others and not letting my pain show. No matter the situation. Just my personality. Meanwhile I sit at home hurting, crying, heartbroken- out of sight, and not telling anyone.
Last week, for example, my daughters grandfather passed away. Truth? It about killed me, I am hurting! I haven't been a part of that family in over 25 years, so why would I have any emotions over it? Right? No, he was a dad, treated me as family all these years. Just an example.
My depression is worse than even my husband realizes. And I don't know how to fix it, I don't have any support from anyone when it comes to my depression... maybe I do, I just haven't put it out there and asked for help. But the people I would want support from- push me away. The people I love most, don't get it or don't want to deal with it, some don't even realize how much they matter to me.
My oldest dog- Roxy, had surgery last week, tough on me- she is my life. She is doing really well tho.
We got a puppy... Zoee, she will be a small dog forever. I think part of the reason I wanted another dog was to give me another reason to live. Really, my dogs give me a reason to hold on. I know, you are thinking I am an idiot because my husband and my daughter should be my reasons... not really. Yes, I love them, but they would be ok without me, they would understand where I went... my dogs can't understand if I just disappear one day, they can't take care of themselves, either.
I am fighting again with my daughter, it seems to be a regular thing. She is just as stubborn as I was when I was young. I am terrified I am going to lose her for good, that might be what pushes me over the edge- who knows. I do know that I hate her life choices- yes, I said I hate... she is smarter than this, and deserves better.
My best friend is moving here in a couple weeks- I hope it helps me. He is one person I can open up to a little about stuff. Not that he will have a bunch of spare time for me once he is here, but an occasional meetup for coffee, bbq with he and his wife, stuff like that... and just knowing he is closer if I really need him. He really does know me better than my husband does... how pathetic is that? I really need to do something about that, too... truth- I hate how my marriage is! I love my husband so much but we really have a crappy relationship.
anyway- that's where I am today- suicidal thoughts are often there, but I don't think I would ever follow thru, at least not now. I cry- daily, and when things are bad with my daughter the tears just go non stop.
